I woke up, sore, aching, frustrated. Christian had left for work – I felt him kiss me before he left but it didn't put right last night. I was regretful, disgusted with myself slightly. I'd wanted him, his physicality, but not more than I'd wanted to talk. Yet I had been the one to instigate sex, I'd betrayed myself. I couldn't figure out why – perhaps I was frustrated that I didn't know how to get him to talk. I had started to figure this out about him – that if he didn't want to talk about something, he wouldn't. But that did me no good now. Why didn't he trust me? I'd told my parents, I'd moved in with him, I'd spoken only with the implication that this was my life and my future now. Beyond signing a contract, I really didn't know...
I massaged where my wedding ring had been. Was it a crazy thought? It would be a pledge, not a proposal – or, well... in fact, I didn't know what would become of this gesture. I was still married to Amira, and... it would be Godless. Mm, no, I don't know if that's something I want to do. There's got be a way of showing him I'm committed without opening that can of worms – our conflicting ideas regarding faith needn't cause a clash between us. We've survived thus far.
I thought more as I showered and breakfasted – nothing would come to me. Everything seemed so over the top but then more normal ideas just didn't seem enough. I had to make a statement, one of intent, and the thing's I'd done so far – things I'd thought were huge – hadn't confirmed anything for him.
I decided to go into town and see if I could get any inspiration, but the more I walked and the more time that passed, the more frustrated I got. Why was the onus on me anyway? I'd made great steps, grand gestures – what had he done apart from move me in? How much commitment had he shown? If anyone was questionable, it was him, not me.
Urgh, I hated thinking that way. What was wrong with me? I checked my watch, Christian was due home in a while. I wanted to be there when he got back – I was always excited to see him.
I kept some lentils on a low heat and made sure the flat was spotless. I was just getting some plates out when I heard the key in the lock.
"Hi Christian!" I called, whilst I put the plates on the side and gave our dinner a final stir.
"Hello daaarling!" he replied, as camp as could be. I heard him come over and felt his arms wrap around me from behind. "I've been thinking of you," he said naughtily before kissing my cheek. I was embarrassed by how excited I was to have his big arms around me but as I wasn't facing him, I let myself grin from ear to ear.
"How was your day?"
"Verrry exciting – serving the same drinks to the same people. There's nothing avant garde about Walford, is there?"
"Would you like to get away? For a holiday or something?"
"Sitting on a goldmine, are you?"
"Tomorrow you'll come home to a man with a job."
"That easy, hey? Although I don't know who could resist you," he said, nuzzling my neck, his hands creeping under my shirt to touch my chest.
"Christian... let me serve up." But my protests were always lame when I smiled through them. He turned me round and kissed me, me feeling like a schoolgirl with a crush. I suspected he loved the effect he had on me as much as I did though.
"Come on, Christian. This'll never get eaten otherwise."
We were sitting entwined on the sofa having finished our meal. I was so happy, I couldn't fathom why I'd gotten so worked up before. We were great.
Christian squeezed my knee. "Let's go out tonight."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, let's have a couple of drinks somewhere in town."
"Okay. Where do you want to go?"
"I know some places," he said, grinning.
"Where? Why are you smiling like that?"
"No reason."
He was so smug. I rolled my eyes and he laughed.
"We should have a nap or something before we go out. Don't want you fading on me."
"I've got plenty stamina."
"I wasn't talking about that." He grinned, nudging me.
"You're incorrigible."
He kissed me playfully, then seriously, drawing me in. I resisted just for the sake of making him want me even more and then gave in, being totally pliable for him, letting him strip me, flip me, fuck me.
"You look hot," he exclaimed, positively. I felt hot, I'd made an effort. I was also incredibly nervous. I knew he was talking about going to a gay bar. I'd been to one once, in Leeds, but it was with some straight friends and I'd given them my undivided attention, intimidated by the possibility of a knowing or flirtatious look coming my way.
This time I was going with a man, a gay man, my boyfriend. People would know I was gay just because I was there with him. And I didn't know if he had any expectations of me, of how I should behave.
I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want him to think I wasn't comfortable with being with him, with being gay. He could be quite sensitive about it, take it personally, and I knew that it contributed to any lack of trust there may be on his behalf. I didn't think he would be pushing for this sort of thing so soon though. If I was honest with myself, perhaps I wasn't ready.
But there he was smiling away at me, beaming at me and making me feel more comfortable and more pressured at the same time. He came over and hugged me – he smelt wonderful. Lost in his scent, I wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to know that I meant this, that we were a couple for the long-haul. I loved seeing him happy and he was right now. And so was I.
"So where are we going?"
"We'll start off in a Dutch place I know."
"Should I fear the worst?"
He laughed, thinking I was joking, but I actually wanted to know. A Dutch place? I didn't know much about Dutch culture but I knew they were very liberal in some ways. I had an image in my head of a club packed full of half-naked men in fetish gear. I swallowed.
He brushed the hair away from my eyes and smiled. His lips met mine, caringly, protectively. I soaked up the sensation and with my lips, asked for more. Our mouths wrestling each other, my hand brought his body in close to mine. I was turned on; the smell of him, the taste, the feel of him pressed up against me.
He pulled back, let go and smiled naughtily.
"What?" I said.
His smile widened. "Come on, let's go."
"But..." I protested, confused.
"If you want me, you're gonna have to have me out there..."
