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6. Dead End

As Youko had expected, in the following weeks she hardly had time even for her own thoughts. The ever-increasing amount of work kept her busy like an otter building a dam, she barely had time to eat lunch during the working days. The merging of the two companies would soon be formally annouced, their office would be fully renovated to celebrate the occasion. For Youko, it meant more paperwork and probably also saying goodbyes to some of her associates. Nowadays every firm was positively hunting for opportunities to fire their inefficient workers, and although Youko knew she herself was not in any kind of serious danger, she nevertheless shared the anxiousness of her fellow employees. There was an air of insecurity hanging above everyone, and Youko wanted it to recede, she wanted things to get back to normal. She did not like the envious remarks her associates were directing at her, nor did she enjoy the scrutinizing eye of her boss.

Consequently, she all but forgot Sei. Occasionally, usually in the middle of the night when she awakened for no apparent reason and was unable to fall to sleep again, the blonde woman would pop up in Youko's mind, but even during those moments she was able to push the White Rose away from her consciousness, so that in the morning all she could feel was a vague uneasiness, as if her thoughts had been a bad dream.

And before she had even time to blink, Christmas was approaching. Colourful, vivacious decorations filled the shopping centres, santa clauses appeared to the display windows and the usual advertisements urging people to purchase the most wondrous gifts followed suit. The hustle and bustle in the hypermarkets Youko visited became noticeably more intense, children demanded new toys, and their parents tried to the best of their ability to comply with the wishes of their sweethearts.

As time went on and the memory of Sei gradually dimmed in her mind, she mostly stopped thinking about her own life. Captured in the middle of the cycle of her daily routines, the notion of whether she was happy or not seemed to lose its meaning. It was as if such matters were no longer relevant. Sometimes Youko felt like she was something of a small robot, an automaton assigned to fulfill some distinct tasks by whoever had made her. As quiet, monotonous days passed, the encounter with Sei felt more and more surreal. When she tried to imagine Sei's arms around her, she could not visualize it, let alone remember the warmth which she nevertheless knew had engulfed her when she had been in Sei's embrace.

Sometimes in the weekends, when she felt exceptionally detached from the world, she would drive with her brand-new Audi to a small buddhist shrine outside the city and just revel in the silence. In the three times she had visited the minuscule temple, there had never been anyone except her. Yet the shrine grounds were always tidy and well-kept. It had an attractive little garden, which to Youko's surprise was still very vibrant at that time of year, and Youko would lay down on one of the wooden benches and close her eyes until she could hear the wind whistling through the thin grass.

Her trips gave her temporary respite from the stifling city. Whenever she returned from the temple, it was as if her senses had been sharpened millionfold. For some days afterwards, she would see, hear and smell everything around her with such a clarity that it felt supernatural. During those days, the world once again appeared as a beautiful place. She would just stare how sunlight fell on her office table through the window, the colour of the sunlit patches would darken from light yellow to deep orange as morning progressed into afternoon.

One day, when she stayed at her office until nine-o'-clock in the evening, she happened to glance at the sky when she was about to leave, and suspended in the sky was the giant, greenish clockwork machine she had seen once before. The scene in which she had been sipping whisky and gazing outside the window of the hotel bar in Sapporo seemed at least a lifetime away from the present, even though it had only been a few months.

The cogwheels of the construct kept rotating, and Youko did not give a damn.

The Emperor's birthday came and went with the Christmas, and on the following Saturday Youko sat in a frech-style cafeteria, trying to relax as much as she could with a cup of cappucino. It was one of those days without any goal to it, just sitting around and killing time until it was late enough for her to go to sleep. People were coming and going around her, but she had lost her conception of time. Whenever the waiter started to look at her suspiciously, she would order something, and then she would just space out again.

Once in a while she awoke and considered leaving and doing some more productive things, but she never had the willpower to make herself rise up. It was as if her bottom had been glued to her seat. So, there she sat until the sun had passed its zenith, and the waiter was starting to look at her ever more disbelievingly.

Youko was amused as she noticed that she was playing with the possibility of dating someone new. She had not done that in ages, and the prospect made her smile, for a moment. Then, as quickly as the amusement had surfaced, it shriveled and wilted away. It might be fun for a short time, but...

She knew that she could not stop thinking about Sei even when she was kissing someone else. Even when a pair of unfamiliar hands were fondling her, even when a stranger was making love to her, her thoughts always turned to Satou Sei.

"... is it really you?"

A soft, velvety voice was breaking into Youko's consciousness slowly, but steadily.

She raised her head curiously.

Leaning towards her was a woman so hauntingly beautiful that it made her gasp.

The woman had chestnut coloured, wavy hair, and her tresses framed a heart-shaped, exquisite face, whose most outstanding feature was a pair of large, mirrorlike eyes. She was wearing a simple blouse and a modest brown skirt, but she would have stood out even if she had a sack pulled over her. Her bright eyes were looking at Youko kindly, and the slightly pursed lips were smiling in an enchanting fashion.

Youko had not remembered that Sei's bouton had been so alluring.

"Shimako..."

The younger woman sat down, and continued to smile.

"Why do you look so baffled? Is there something wrong? Would you prefer to be alone?"

Youko shook her head, and smiled too.

"No, it is a pleasant surprise."

In fact, Youko was a little afraid.

With Sei, she had never had to worry about whether they would get along. There had always been so much between them that they could have met at the end of the world and they would have just jumped into each other's arms and been as if nothing was wrong. But now, even though Youko was sincerely happy to see Shimako, she was scared that there would be too few things to say, that that what had once been a close friendship would turn out to be something entirely different.

Because it was not as if it had been only yesterday when they had met for the last time.

And she did not want to discover her past only to lose it again.

However, as they changed the usual pleasantries, Youko soon noticed that there was not even a slight trace of embarrassment between them. Sometimes they would both fall silent, but even during those moments they would look each other in the eye, and there would be a perfect mutual understanding. Yes, Sei once had said that if Shimako wanted to be somewhere, she would be there regardless of what others told her, and if she did not want to be around, no amount of persuading could make her decide otherwise.

And Youko was glad that Shimako had chosen to be beside her.

"It is so strange, because to tell the truth I have no idea what has become of either you or anyone else. All of you might be living in the same street with me and I would not have an inkling", Youko said.

Shimako nodded.

"I truly came to like all of you", she replied. "And yet time does more damage to our relationships than any quarrels or disagreements."

If it had been one of Youko's greatest pleasures to listen to Sei's voice, listening to Shimako's was not far behind in that department. Youko noticed herself trying to capture and memorize every silky note, every incipient melody in Shimako's voice, but dainty as it was, it proved surprisingly elusive. Every time the brown-haired woman stopped speaking, Youko craved to hear more.

"So, tell me, what are you up to these days?" Youko asked curiously.

Shimako smiled bashfully.

"I am an artist, I think. Kind of", she responded, her surprised expression every bit as heart-warming as Yumi's had been once upon a time.

Youko raised her eyebrows a bit, demanding clarification.

"Mostly I do oil painting. I actually had a small exhibition not a long time ago."

"Oh, I never guessed you were talented in that aspect, too."

Shimako shook her head modestly.

"I am not ground-breakingly great or anything like that", she explained. "I just happened to start doing it after you graduated, and it has turned into a profession without me even properly noticing."

"Well, at least that sounds a thousand times more interesting than how I spend my days", Youko exhaled.

"You have not liked your work?"

Seeing Shimako's astounded face, Youko could not stop a laughter from escaping her lips.

"I'm sorry", she said, quickly regaining her composure. "Yes, is it not ironic? Nothing at all should have been wrong after I entered the University of Tokyo, but it seems destiny had other ideas."

"I see."

Youko knew she did not have to say anything more. Because Shimako, if anyone, would understand only by looking at her.

"But enough about me, how are you doing apart from your work? Are you still in touch with Noriko?"

Shimako said she still saw Noriko sometimes, and Youko could only imagine how happy the meetings between the former White Roses would be. In her mind, Youko always pictured them in the middle of sakura flowers, in the background there would be a golden field or an old, ornate temple. They would walk side by side, perhaps holding hands, and there would not be a single worry in the world, just as it had been when they had still been wearing the uniforms of Lillian.

"I am very fortunate to be able to support myself by painting", Shimako said. "I still don't feel very comfortable around people, and I like it when I can work alone for most of the time."

"To tell the truth, I can relate to that very well", Youko said. "Sometimes I get these uncontrollable urges to run somewhere far away and just seal myself off from the world."

Now it was Shimako's turn to raise her eyebrows, compelling Youko to continue.

"Everything is so different than how I imagined it would be. I truly thought my life was going into the right direction when I started university", Youko said quietly. "But it soon turned out that I was slowly, but steadily heading towards a dead end, and the worst part was that I never realised it until my nose hit the wall."

When one became blind enough, there was no distinction between left and right, between going forward and going backward. It had been as if she had been wandering in a maze with her eyes blindfolded, but nevertheless she had been completely sure that she road she had taken had been the correct one. So instead of advancing carefully and always keeping open the option of backtracking, she had rushed headway into the heart of a deepest mire.

"Forgive me, I did not mean to impose myself on you", Youko continued. "The notion just crossed my mind and I had to say it aloud."

"It's okay", Shimako replied softly. "I am glad to listen to you after all you have done for me."

"I am happy that someone actually thinks that I have been of help. Perhaps even I myself started to believe that I was never anything else than a meddler, as Sei used to call me."

Youko stiffened. She had not intended to bring Sei into the discussion, and a glance at Shimako confirmed that the latter, too, could perceive the ghosts surrounding the name.

"I am certain Onee-sama meant only good in the end", Shimako answered. "Didn't she always?"

"Yes, she did", Youko sighed. "Deep inside, I guess she was the noblest of us."

Shimako stretched out her hand and lay it on Youko arm. It felt good to be touched by someone, and suddenly Youko could breathe a little easier.

Shimako did not continue speaking, and Youko was grateful for her tactfulness. Shimako might have not known all the details, but Youko could tell that the younger woman had figured out enough to be content with silence.