Interlude
"So I'm quite a recluse nowadays", she said, trying to mask her obvious feelings under a cheerful burst of laughter. "Or perhaps I should say again instead of nowadays."
I stretched out my hand and brushed the cheek of the woman lying beside me. Her wheat-blonde hair positively shone even in the dimly lit room.
"Are you sure you are all right?" I asked.
"It depends on how one defines 'to be all right'."
"Just answer me", I demanded and gripped her arm forcefully. She turned her head towards me, and her eyes met mine. There was a playful glint in her eyes, and I did not know how did she manage to always wear that cheerful mask on her face. Even now, when there had to be a raging turmoil inside her head, she was smiling, and how beautifully so.
"Sometimes when I want to smile, my face simply does not obey me. Try as I might, the expression doesn't come, and those are the worst moments, ones during which I truly feel something is wrong", she said, her voice resonating in the silence. "And then there are times when days just come and go, and I never notice anything. From morning to afternoon I am glued to the computer, then I make some food and watch TV or read something until I go to sleep. Occasionally I go out and meet someone, but there are too few people worth seeing these days. I could be worse off, though. So I am not complaining."
I sighed. Ten years ago, the forest of thorns surrounding her had receded so much that I almost came to believe that it would never again confine her. Now ten years later, the cage she was trapped in was so dense that I could barely even see her, let alone reach my hands to touch the innermost sanctums of her heart.
"I am worried about you", I said. "I will be going back to Italy in a few days, and already now the thought is hurting me."
She laughed.
"I will be all right", she told me, wrapping her arms around me protectively, even though I should have been the one to do that for her. "You just focus on getting your voice heard."
"I can't bring myself to leave you here all alone...", I started, but she silenced me with a kiss, and I forgot everything I was about to say. Her hands were suddenly stroking my skin wildly, she was so close that I could smell the scent of her body, she was nibbling my lips and all I could do was to respond to her kisses with my own, more tentative ones.
"I want you, Shizuka."
She heaved herself on top of me, our lips never parting, and then her hands were holding my shoulder blades almost painfully, and I pressed my fingers into her back, and she moaned softly as my nails dug into her skin. Her hair covered our faces like an angelic aura, and our kisses were becoming more and fiery she violently removed whatever clothes I still had on me.
"I want you too, Sei."
Hours later, when Sei had fallen asleep, I lay beside her and stared at the ceiling, my thoughts too tumultous for me to relax. It was warm to be under the same coverlet, once in a while I would touch her to make sure she was still there.
She was not of this world.
And yet I was sleeping in the same bed as her, I had been making love to her and would continue to do so until I would leave Japan. And then there would be months, perhaps even a year without her, and I would just have to try to forget her and get on with my regular life, but how was I supposed to put someone like her out of my mind?
No wonder I had been childishly infatuated with her already back in Lillian. When we first parted, I never believed I would one day have the privilege to caress her, to pet her and to sleep in her arms. In the past years, the weeks of blissful oblivion I had spent in her small apartment thousands of kilometers away from my home in Italy were all I thought about at night.
Yes, meeting for a blink of an eye and then parting for an eternity... It was painful. But I was an adult, and adults were hardened to endure such things, because nothing came easy, because merely the thought of seeing her, be it in the distant future or not, could sustain me for ages. So, I would revel in the fact that I had once again experienced days of almost agonizing happiness.
But this time I knew it would be different.
"You are such a fool, my love", I whispered.
To my surprise, Sei stirred at my words.
"I guess I am", she replied dreamily.
"I love you, you know that, don't you?"
She nodded.
"Promise me you will be all right."
"Why?"
"Just promise. Or I won't leave."
She did not say a word. It was as if she had been frozen solid, her eyes were emptily staring to nothingness, her usually so vivacious face was completely expressionless, and for a moment I was actually afraid that she had stopped breathing.
"Do you hate me, Shizuka?"
She could have hit me, beaten me, insulted me and decided to never see me again, but I could have never felt anything but the deepest affection for her. Because after all, she was Satou Sei.
"I know I am selfish and cruel, but in times like these I really need you", she exhaled.
I embraced her and covered her head with kisses.
"That is why I am here, my love."
"Thank you."
That night, there were stars on the sky. Small and dim as they were, I had to slant my eyes to see them properly. Sei had better vision than me, so she would point at all the stars she noticed. Standing on the balcony with nothing but a nightgown on me, I could feel the chill of the winter deep inside my bones, but such matters seemed to lose their meaning as I was with Sei. Her presence made me warmer than any fire.
"Come to Italy with me."
The thought had been swirling inside my head for so long that saying it aloud felt quite unreal. My heart was beating so hard that I might have fainted if I had looked at Sei. I could not even breathe. Sounds of merrymaking echoed from somewhere below us, and suddenly I wanted to be somewhere far away.
"Do you really want me to?"
Of course I wanted. I wanted it more than anything else. I wanted to be with her every day instead of a few days in a year, I wanted to bathe in her light and nurture her and give her so much love that even the cage of thorns around her would melt away.
"Please, Sei. I ask this for both of us."
She moved in front of me, and lifted my face up towards her, and this time I had no choice than to look straight into her brilliant eyes.
"What I want to say is that I don't deserve you, but then again, who ever deserves anything? How did I deserve to end up like this?" she said quietly. "But I love you, I really do. Perhaps more than anyone else."
"I was afraid you might say that."
Sei shook her head.
"I can't, not yet. Perhaps one day."
I sincerely hoped that day would never come. Because that would have meant that even the last patch of light inside her prison would have been forever extinguished.
"I still think you should call her."
"Even if that meant the end of our meetings?"
"Yes, even if it would."
"Why?"
"Because you love her, you crave her, you need her, and you imagine being with her even when you are screaming my name at the height of your pleasure. And she needs you."
"I am sorry."
"You don't have to apologize for your feelings."
"You know I am not apologizing for that."
"I am fortunate to have been with you as much as I have."
"But that does not make me any less cruel or selfish."
"Perhaps, but I can't be bitter for that. We were never supposed to be together, that much was clear right from the beginning. Moments like these I have stolen from her. For you, she is more than what I could ever be."
"Fool."
