Woohoo! Riding on the high tide of creativity (or boredom) I have completed the next chapter. It seems that I have a habit of writing this fic in short bursts and then fall into oblivion for ages... But remember to keep enjoying and reviewing! ^_^


12. The Rollercoaster of a Reunion

The reply from Sachiko came three days after Youko's initial message, and it was very brief, stating only her delight at the latter's mail and that she would write a more detailed reply once she could take some leave from her duties. Youko had expected nothing else from her former soeur, but nevertheless she had been somewhat disappointed. In contrast to Sachiko's brevity her own dramatic words felt embarrassing.

With a gigantic yawn, Youko turned her laptop off. It felt as if during the past few days she had spent more time in front of her computer than not. Outside the weather was as sunny as ever, seagulls were suspended against the blue sky, a picturesque image of the perfect resort. It was only noon, but already Youko was tired enough to sleep. Too much time in front of the screen, and too little time spent as she should have: swimming, sunbathing, maybe even getting drunk.

Kashiwagi had not showed his cocky face since the first day, and of that she was grateful, although his foul presence still lingered on in her mind. She did not know when she had come to dislike Sachiko's cousin so much. Years ago she had respected him, and although she still did so, albeit grudgingly, the topmost feelings for him were those of a more negative nature. She was sure that for the whole time they had been together, he had been secretly laughing at her.

She crossed her fingers on the table and let her upright posture slump a bit. Barely thinking about Kashiwagi seemed to drain her. To refresh herself, she went to the bathroom and poured some cold water on her face. It made her eyes prickle, but eventually it did awaken her enough to stop her from just curling up in her bed and falling asleep. Instead, she walked over to the window and gazed out, resting her arms on the ornate windowsill.

She did like it in Hawaii, of that there was no doubt. Or rather, she could have liked it in some other circumstances, had she not been so occupied with her thoughts along with everything which was going on. To say that she was confused was a terrible understatement; it was as if the currents of destiny were revolving around her, brushing her gently and maybe even trying to subtly guide her somewhere. Almost, almost she could see the paths opening in front of her and where they led to. Still, whenever she sought to see with clarity, a sudden fog appeared and clouded her vision.

She wondered whether Sachiko would really remember to reply, and if she did, what would follow. Secretly, she dreamt of a high school reunion of Sachiko's doing, of seeing everyone once again, laughing, teasing each other, gossiping about what had been going on with them… It was something she did not have the right to hope for, but she missed her old friends so much she could hardly stop herself.

Looking down, she could see some children playing in the hotel courtyard and some young couples holding hands in the outdoor cafeteria. It felt soothing to watch the smiling strangers, giving her comfort to see that not everyone was captured within her own sense of loneliness and aimlessness, and that for some people the daily chaos did not present itself as something dreadful, but rather as something which simply provided unexpected opportunities for merrymaking.

Some moments later, when Youko had gotten enough of being idle, she packed some elementary stuff into a shoulder bag and left her room to explore the town she had not yet made herself comfortable with. Downstairs, the same children she had observed were still playing their hard-to-understand game, and the young couple was still discreetly showing their infantuation towards each other.

Once outside the courtyard, she hailed a taxi which had been waiting in the car park.

"Where to?" the driver asked as she entered the comfortably air-conditioned vehicle.

"Just drop me somewhere downtown."

The driver seemed to be pleased enough by Youko's vague instructions, and soon as the taxi boarded the highway, she leaned her head on the cool window and concentrated on gazing at the roadside.

The road followed the seashore for a while before taking a turn towards the inland. The coastline was fairly pretty, but somewhat monotonic, and little by little the pictures in Youko's eyes became a blur, her head slid unconsciously down the window, until eventually all she could see was the black colour of the inner surface of the door.

"Are you all right, Miss?"

A shockwave jolted through Youko.

"Yes, I just dozed off."

Her voice was stiff, and she shot up quickly like a bowstring.

For the rest of the journey she sat straight like a statue, not permitting herself even a single shake or shudder.

The taxi left her close to the Waikiki district, and once outside the car, she soon hoped she had never left it. Not having any concrete plans as to what she was about to do, she decided to wander down the street until something interesting presented itself. It was close to the rush hour, so the streets were filled with people coming and going about their business; as was to be expected, swarms of tourists were on the move, many dressed ridiculously in aloha shirts and shorts with colours beyond description. Once in a while, Youko heard tones of a familiar language as groups of Japanese-looking people passed her by.

People were not supposed to travel to places like this alone, she thought as yet another bunch of laughing youngsters advanced towards her. No matter what she did, no matter where she went, everywhere were reminders of her loneliness. It took the taste away from every bite of food she managed to eat and every cold drink she managed to swallow, and what joy she might have so easily felt had there been someone else with her was trying to escape from her her in a way that forced her to roll up her sleeves and go looking for it even from the most obscure places.

Despite her musings, she was able to enjoy her afternoon at least in a limited fashion. After wandering around for some time, she ate in a decent restaurant, found some bargain-priced clothes and managed to purchase some token souvenirs for her associates. For herself, she bought a magnet with a picture of Honolulu's skyline. Honolulu would join Shanghai and Los Angeles on the door of her fridge.

When the sun had already fallen way below the surrounding skyscrapers, she sat on a bench in a park and inhaled the faint ocean breeze which still seemed to be perceivable, if only barely through the fumes of the city. Youko could also sense the smells she was so familiar with in the air, albeit in much lesser degree than back in Tokyo: the hectic feeling so characteristic of larger cities, worry mixed with a certain degree of general restlessness and loss of direction.

Deep inside, she knew she could not accuse her surroundings for the anxieties that nestled inside her. She also remembered the time when the hustle and bustle had felt so comfortable that she could have never imagined living anywhere else than in the bumping heart of the Japanese capital. Back then, the sensations that had shot through her when she had feared of drowning in the sea of people had felt more like a spice than a disability.

Sei used to tease her about it, and the jovial woman would take them to stand in the middle of Shinjuku station during the worst rush hours, and when Youko's eyes were too blurred and her knees too weak to stand straight, she would lean against her lover and feel her strong arms around her. And thus, Youko would be reminded how much she needed her love. It had felt like a cruel trick, as if she had been taken advantage of, and she still considered it one of Sei's less amusing whims. But time had the habit of shrouding everything with a blanket of gold, especially the memories with the person one pined for the most, and now Youko was not sure whether it had really been that bad. Sei had assured her it had been for her own good, and had Sei not allowed Youko to take solace in her arms? Had Sei not given her much more than her fair share of attention afterwards? If only there was someone to console her in the present too. If Youko only could still crawl into Sei's embrace every time she felt battered down and catch a glimpse of the thing that came closest to peace among all the imperfection.

It was not as if Sei had not had her weaker moments, too. It never had been as one-sided as Youko always recalled it. As the rainy day so long ago and that Christmas Eve even before that had showed, Sei had never fully been the invulnerable, almost divinely omnipotent being she perhaps set out to be. She used to shine in a way that left everything and everyone awestruck in her shadow, in Youko's eyes she still latently did, but even demigods had their weak moments. It was a heavy burden on her shoulders, the fact that she was not the only one in plight.

"You look sad, pretty lady. Did your grandmother die?"

Startled, Youko looked up from her fingers only to see a small boy staring at her with big, curious eyes. The child could not have been much more than five, and he had bright, shoulder-length yellow hair framing his rosy cheeks and strikingly blue eyes. Youko was taken aback, not knowing what to reply. She could not even muster a friendly smile or pat the child on the head.

"My grandmother died last week, and everyone was sad", he continued, when Youko remained silent.

"I am sorry."

Her tone was totally unsuitable for the situation. She uttered the words far too gravely, far too heavily, and her eyes could have been brimming with tears and she would not have been surprised.

The boy was about to say something, but just then his mother hurried to him across the lawn and Youko ceased being the centre of his attention. His mother gave Youko an embarrassed look and muttered a muffled apology. Youko shook her head briefly and smiled, and the mother turned away holding the boy's hand firmly in hers. They had not gotten very far when the boy turned to look Youko, who waved back. She followed him with her eyes, fixed them on the blue t-shirt he was wearing. The path the boy trod with his mother curved, and soon they joined other strollers, the colours of their clothes mixing together in a bizarre mess. A bit further down the road when the park area gave way to the highway, he turned again, but this time she only remotely acknowledged him.

A flash of long, wheat blonde hair against a pink polo shirt. A glimpse of a neckline too slender, a nose a bit too sharp to be Japanese.

Youko's heart skipped a beat, her head suddenly started feel dizzy. All sounds were muffled, all motion around her abruptly seemed in their absurdity to be from a puppet show. She was sure that if she had reached her hand to touch one of the people walking by her, her hand would have passed right through. Nothing seemed to be rooted very tightly in reality.

A ghost town.

A planet of phantoms.

When she next could feel the heat on her skin again, the pink shirt had disappeared behind a wall of gray.

Like a ball lightning, she shot up from the chair and broke into a gallop. Her high heels clattered against the stony pavement, and more than once she was close to tripping and twisting her ankle, but she forged on, her bag shaking wildly along. People turned to watch when she either speeded past them sweeping them with her shoulders or blatantly pushing them out of her way.

Eventually she ended up overtaking the boy and his mother when she crossed the road across which she had seen the person who must have been her, and she was lucky to have had the green lights facing her when she had approached the junction. On the other side of the street, she slowed her pace to look around her, but there was nothing pink in sight.

Frustrated, she carried on towards the direction she guessed she must have gone. There was too little time to think, she had been so far away from her, she could either give it a wild, if a bit random, chase or lose her in the crowd while she stood still contemplating.

And as long as she kept running, she could at least hope of catching her.

She ran and ran, but she was hampered by all the people in her way, and it was impossible for a woman like her to power her way through the bulky men and the tight-knit groups of tourists which seemed to be more numerous than she had earlier realised.

A fool's errand, just like my whole journey, chasing a gust of wind, looking for something which would forever elude me.

And there again was a patch of pink way ahead of her, clearly visible among the black-suited men.

Youko fixed her eyes on her target and charged forward with ever more fervour. How she managed to keep her eyes on her target while running like mad and doing a full-fledged slalom around all the mindless obstacles she did not know, because at that very moment it all came naturally to her, and she simply knew that nothing in the world could have stopped her.

Then the blonde-haired head suddenly turned right and disappeared.

Youko's heart stooped. She had just started to close the distance between them, but everything was clouded by a shade of gray once more. Still, she made sure to memorize the exact spot where her own divine being had disappeared, and as she somehow managed to quicken her pace, she was no longer fueled by hope, but by despair.

As she scrambled forward, a distantly unpleasant sensation was welling up in her feet. It could have been pain, she was not sure.

Bring one feet in front of the other and repeat the process so many times until the hurting feet and the bleeding heart became so numb one could do nothing but carry on even if one suddenly wished otherwise.

The familiar thought popped out of nowhere to her mind, but this time, she was sure she wanted nothing more to carry on.

After an indeterminate amount of time, she arrived at the T-junction where she had last seen her. She was on the wrong side of the street, and she crossed it even though the traffic lights had already turned red, not even hearing the angry screech of the car horns.

Now she could fully see Sei in the pink polo shirt and denim shorts. She had not been mistaken. The blonde was not much ahead of her, seemingly gazing at the display window of some small boutique. Youko wanted to shout, but she could find no voice in herself. Instead, she continued running.

This time, she was not running away.

But the blonde-haired woman again took a rightward turn. This time, though, Youko's heart did not sink. One last sprint, and she was on the narrow street, and lifting her eyes, she saw.

That was when she finally dropped her bag, and with it went every piece of the dam she had built inside her to check her longing that now was free to flood every corner of her mind.

Later, she would have no memories of how she had closed the distance between them. She only remembered the moment when she had literally thrown herself into her lover's arms, and had Sei been an inch shorter or a few pounds lighter, they would have crashed on the ground like two lumps of stone.

Youko wrapped her arms around the blonde woman so tight, and relief surged through her when she felt Sei returning the favour. It was a firework of sensations; the warmth of Sei's body, the tingling on her skin where Sei touched her; the smell of her long lost love, not changed a bit since the last autumn, and indeed not since now almost eleven years ago… Being so much shorter than the other woman, Youko had to lift her head to kiss her. Sei's lips tasted of cheap coffee and some other unpleasant flavour Youko cared not to identify, but she could not imagine drawing away from those lips she had so many times wanted against her own.

Youko pressed her palms on Sei's cheeks and stood on her toes to kiss her harder, and suddenly Sei lifted her in the air and spun her around, all the while their lips being glued to each other.

And Youko imagined how they would fall on the ground, Sei on top of her, and how they would just continue kissing there, until the darkness fell and maybe until the dawn broke again, maybe forever…

ooo

Afterwards, Youko figured the chase she had given must have been a longer one than she remebered it to be. It had seemed as if she had only taken two turns or so, but in reality she must have wriggled through several streets during her surreal pursuit. When she tried to recall it, she saw only blurred colours and faceless people, and among them, like a single rose standing proudly erect in the middle of a glacier, a tall, radiating blonde-haired woman.

Yes. Sei was a universe of her own, as a pocket-sized sun with so much heat that she could have saved every freezing person in the world and still there would have been warmth left to share. Maybe it was too pompous to imagine her like that, maybe it was childish, resembling a teenager's mindless crush. But to be a teenager in love was much better than being an adult in despair.

ooo

"Your hotel, or mine?"

They were holding hands.

"Mine", Youko replied.

A taxi pulled to a stop in front of them, and they went inside.

They were still holding hands.

And so the trip back to the seaside hotel passed. It was a silent journey, and they hardly even looked at each other. It was as if everything inside them had been poured out moments before, leaving no more need for any further displays of emotion. Any small talk to break the silence would have been superfluous; both trusted that the other one understood even without words spoken aloud.

At least, that was how Youko wanted to believe.

Even through her ecstasy, she was afraid. Perhaps the reason they did not look at each other was that Youko was too terrified to do so. The emotional rollercoaster moments ago had been real beyond denial, and it had seemingly left them both in a entranced state, but a single shadow of a darker thought on either of the two women's faces would have broken the spell. Doubt, fear, regret… These days, they were never farther away than around the corner.

But their hands remained locked together, their fingers entwined around each other, and Youko did not relinquish Sei's hand until hours later the eventide cradled them in a calm sleep.