A/N: Hey guys….-hides behind curtain- Long time no see, huh? Ummm…okay, I give up. I'm an asshole for not updating faster. Well, just so you all know, I pretty much punished myself with this chapter. It was super hard to write. It literally burned my fingertips. You'll see why by the end. See you at the bottom of the page.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Previously on Blinding Lights:
"No Bella, we need to discuss this," Edward said angrily, his voice rising at me for the first time. Angry and tired of being spoken to in that manner from him, I turned to him.
"It just isn't enough for you, is it? You can't just accept that I'm blind, can you? You were perfectly fine before! When you didn't have the option, you swore you were fine with the fact that I can't see you, but now you are open to me going under the knife to "get rid of the problem"? Well, I'm not doing it. Isn't it enough that I'm willing to do anything else for you? Isn't it enough that I love you?"
With that, I pulled Emmett's large hand with me and dragged him outside, tripping over my own feet, tears pouring down my face. I couldn't hear Edward, but I didn't want to right now. I needed to be alone.
BURNING MAN
Presently:
EPOV
The ceiling of my bedroom had never been something I was truly interested in looking at. After all, what could the smooth ceiling possibly hold for me to observe? Truly, nothing. But when I looked at it closely from my floor, I could see her face in the tiny, microscopic bumps, tears running down her cheeks as her filmy eyes swam with tears. The color of it was only a shade lighter than her skin when she left. I remember the skin being nearly as white as the lighter-than-ivory carpet in the stairwell. The blood seemed to have only just begun rushing up her neck by the time she had turned out my front door. It truly was a beautiful color on her…
There was a banging on my door that was infiltrating my mind's confines. It wasn't as irritating as I would have thought it to be. Somewhere, maybe in the back of my mind, I knew I should go and answer the door, just to put an end to the pounding, but I really couldn't. I felt utterly calm, despite the picture that burned behind my eyelids, the picture of the love of my life, crying because of me and my own stupidity and selfishness. At the edge of the sadness I felt within the calm, there was a hint of anger. It was aimed at two people. One, it was aimed at the girl who I would die for. So many secrets held within her barred mind, when would they ever end? When would she trust me enough to let me have access to them? Was it too late now that I had already snapped at her, released my jarred anger at her through my venomous words? Secondly, the anger was aimed at myself. It wasn't hard to see how truly idiotic my choices had been, how I had lost control of myself in front of the woman-child I loved. It wasn't her fault that this had occurred. The fault was to be placed on me and my ignorance. I had always known that I liked being in control of situations. That ensured me that I would never have to worry about things happening against my will anymore.
But when had control turned into a dictatorship in which I had attempted to rule her?
I couldn't answer that. I had never thought of it as me being a tyrant. My only thoughts were of her happiness. Anything that made her happy, I would give to her. If that meant she wanted nothing to do with me, though my heart would break at the mere whisper of those hurtful wishes, I would separate myself from her completely, sever all ties until her life was free of anything that even related to me. Her wish was my mind's demand. I would do everything and anything for her. I would literally take my own life if it made her happy. Anything for her.
A tumbler clicked into place and a little blur of white and black attacked me, tiny fists hitting my chest. I didn't move to protect myself. The little jabs of pain were welcome. I deserved it.
"You idiot! You bastard, I hate you! Why? Why the hell'd you have to screw up? I'm going to kill you!" I could faintly feel the pain begin to ebb away as someone held Alice back, stopping her struggling form by locking her arms down at her sides. I just continued staring up at the ceiling. All I could see was her. She was beautiful, still so beautiful.
"Alice, relax, you need to calm down."
"You better fucking let me go now, Jasper. I swear if you don't, there won't be any little Jaspers in the future." There was still no pain. I half expected to hear a grunt of pain from Jasper. There was nothing. No sound except the heavy breathing of Alice and the calming breathing of Jasper.
"Are you done, Alice? Are you really going to hurt me?" Jasper's southern drawl was soothing as well. How strange.
A tiny, slightly aggravated sigh floated through the air. Still no pain; why had it stopped? I deserved it, didn't I?
"I'm fine Jazz. I promise." The next thing I heard was the sound of cloth rubbing against the carpet, the low sound hardly noticeable. A tiny hand touched my arm but I didn't react. It was warm. It reminded me of someone else's hand but it wasn't exactly the same. I didn't like this touch as much as I did the other.
"Edward, look at me. We need to talk." I didn't look for the quiet soprano voice. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. Her voice was all I wanted to hear.
"Edward, are you even listening to me?" Alice's voice was annoyed now, edging towards anger again. Jasper pulled her hand back. "Alice, relax," he paused for a moment, his voice becoming softer. "Edward, are you alright? Edward? We need to talk. It's about Bella." I heard a sharp breath being taken in. I didn't realize at first that at that same time, my lungs took constricted painfully. Her name, so perfectly fitting for her. So beautiful, just as the Italian translation described.
Hearing it, spoken out loud, it proved to me that this was all really happening. In my thoughts, she seemed to abstract, so translucent and ghost-like. It was as if she hadn't truly existed outside my imagination. Her voice was crafted by my mind, the notes of a piano's ivory keys played so perfectly together that they created an aesthetic sound, so ultimately wonderful that it seemed unreal. No other sound could compare, surely no sound such as that could exist. But now that I had heard her name, it proved to me that she was real. That her tears were real. That her vows of love for me had been real as well. That I truly had lost her.
"Bella," I gasped aloud. I could feel a burning in my eyes, a fire brushing through my chest. Was it possible to feel this much pain? Was it possible to not be dead from this level betrayal? Because that's what I had done. I had betrayed Bella. My promises, whether spoken or unspoken, had been broken. I had hurt her, all because I had selfishly decided that I wanted more. Her blindness was nothing to me. I was in love with her, her being, her soul, her heart. Her eyes, though I longed to look into them just as I longed to know every thought she ever had, meant nothing if I didn't have her. If she were another body, the body of a beldame or the body of a goddess, I wouldn't care. I wanted her, her inner beauty, more than anything. And I had just destroyed my chances of ever obtaining it.
Sometime while I was lost in my thoughts, I had curled in upon myself, bringing my knees up to my chest, curling my knuckles around them tightly and tearing into the skin through my slacks. I imagined myself looking like a haggard madman, trying to protect himself from being beaten by those who ridiculed him. I was worth just as much. I longed for Jasper and Alice to begin kicking me, hitting me and punishing me for hurting my existence. It seemed to be an inadequate punishment, but I would take it. If anyone else wanted to join them, they were welcome.
"Edward, Edward, it's alright! It's all alright!" Hands were trying to pry my hands away from my legs but I kept them in place as much as I could. When my fingers lost their grip, they flew towards my head and I pulled, the hair growing taut and beginning to snap. It hurt and I wanted more. A more violent, masochistic side of me grinned at the pain I inflicted upon myself. It was telling me that the monster that had ruled my words earlier in the night was now in control and would continue to hurt me until I learned my lesson. It was dominating me, pulling me under its spell. Just like Bella had.
"Esme, Carlisle, help!" I didn't stop, didn't even hear the warning heeded in those words. I just wanted the voice of the beast in my head to get louder until I could hear nothing else. I wanted to hear that voice tearing through my eardrums. The voice sounded so beautiful. It sounded so like her, so like Bella. Of course, I knew that the words that were spilling through the monster's mouth would never even appear on the tongue of my love, but the thought of her screaming at me, torturing me, was so much more pleasurable. Bella was much too pure for such torture. At least it showed me how much she hated me, how passionately she felt for me. Hate was such a passionate emotion, especially for someone as pure as Bella.
"Edward, Edward, let go. No, Edward, listen to me. Please let go. No, don't hurt Alice, Edward. Rosalie, Jasper, grab his legs." The calm yet commanding voice wasn't enough to make me stop. The strength of the hands was barely enough to remove my hands from my hair and pin them to my sides. I thrashed, trying my damndest to continue my self-inflicted torture, but they refused to let me move. I could hear sobbing somewhere nearby, but I couldn't see anything. It felt like a blindfold had been put over my eyes. How fitting, I thought thoughtfully. I will be blind as I punish myself, just like Bella was when I hurt her.
There was a sharp pain in my arm. I nearly cried in relief. Finally, someone was trying to punish me, just like I deserved. But just moments later, I felt my world begin to spin, the darkness becoming darker and more consuming. The image behind my eyelids became much clearer and Bella's face consumed my every bleary thought.
--
My head and eyes ached, a resonating throbbing sensation pounding into the walls of my mind. I wanted to move, but I felt something holding down my arms and legs. It was chafing into my skin. My mind was blurry and unfocused, like looking through murky water. I tried to listen to the sounds around me. I only heard the quiet breathing of several people. It was enough. Slowly, I allowed my eyelids to open, revealing too bright lights. I blinked and tried to avert my gaze to something less harsh. The first thing I saw was a beautiful yet worn looking face, so kind and so hurt that I frowned. Esme's once-bright hazel eyes were dulled by tear-stains tracked down her cheeks and red, puffy bags beneath her eyes. I hadn't seen her looking this before. She wasn't looking at me. Her gaze was focused solely on her lap, looking at something I couldn't see.
"Mom," I murmured, my throat feeling dry and unused. Her head shot up and her eyes swam with tears again, a few overflowing her lower lids. She leaned forward, her arms wrapping around me as best they could with the restraints that were holding me down. She sobbed into my chest while I listened to her every gasp, feeling every hot tear soak into my shirt, her matronly scent mixed with a familiar powdery aroma caressing my senses. A door creaked open and I saw heard several pairs of feet enter the room. I turned my head only slightly and saw my family, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper and Rosalie, lined up and looking at me with relieved yet wary expressions. Alice's eyes were red and puffy, just like Esme's. Rosalie and Jasper both looked worried, their similar expressions accompanied by relief. Carlisle looked calm, but unsure. Esme lifted her head from my chest, wiping her eyes hastily with the back of her hand, trying to erase the tear trails.
"Hey," I murmured tiredly, my muscles feeling week and jelly-like. "What happened?" Carlisle took a step closer, his expression more resigned now, like he had just made a decision.
"Edward, we had to sedate you. You were having a panic attack. We needed to knock you out for awhile; you were…hurting yourself. The restraints were just a precaution." His expression faltered for a moment, the calmness disappearing just enough to show me how truly worried he had been, how scared.
It wasn't difficult to accept the fact that I had had a panic attack. I should have seen it coming when I started feeling overwhelmed by unnamable emotions and uncontrollable urges. Even now, every time I blinked, I saw a beautiful face of innocence, of pain, and I very nearly wept every time my eyes closed. I shut my eyes, just so I could see the face again.
"Can you please let me go? I need to speak to Bella, immediately. I need to fix this."
"Edward," Jasper began hesitantly, "I don't think that's such a good idea. Maybe you should rest awhile before you talk to her. Just to clear your head." I could practically see Jasper testing the air, looking for any sign of anger or anxiety. He had always had that gift of empathy. He would know if I was feeling anything out of the ordinary, sometimes even better than I could be sure of it.
"This has happened once before, Jasper. I'm in control. I can handle it. It'll be fine," I assured him. I could handle this, despite the shame I felt for not being able to control my emotions. I hadn't meant to hurt them, to scare them so much.
"Edward, if you remember well enough, last time, it wasn't nearly this bad," Carlisle reminded me calmly, his tone setting a leading edge to his words. He was laying down the law for me in a subtle way. I would have gotten mad (my teenage instinct to be outraged was still flowing) but I just felt too tired. My mind wasn't as fuzzy now, but I still felt like things were blurred, covered in cobwebs.
"That's because last time, he wasn't in nearly this deep," Alice reminded them quietly. She caught my shamed gaze and held me there. "It'll be fine, Dad. Besides, Bella's just as bad as he is. She wants to apologize too." My head shook from the hold her gaze had over me and I stared at her incredulously.
"You've spoken to her?" I questioned eagerly. She shook her head, no. "I have a feeling. You and Bella think very alike, Edward. Of course, you both seem to be under very great misconceptions, but still, your minds are alike. I wouldn't be surprised if she is on her way here now." Like clockwork, the doorbell rang below on the first floor. Alice smiled easily, the redness in her eyes disappearing, slowly but surely. Her gaze shifted and locked on the restraints. Her lips turned down in a frown and she went to unbuckle them.
"Despite the fact that you are supposed to be a risk, I doubt you would want to talk to Bella with these on." She removed the bands that had held me down. They turned out to be several thick, leather belts, wrapped carefully around me. The others stood around with unsure expressions on their faces. Jasper was the most apprehensive; his face was set hard, eyes following my expressions. I didn't make any sudden movements. He seemed to be ready for anything, even an attack. I looked to Carlisle as a reassurance and he nodded. Walking around the bed, he wrapped his arm around Esme's waist, pulling her out of the room, patting my arm as he went. Rosalie left with a timid smile directed to me. Carefully, I sat up and looked at Alice again. She seemed much better now, but I still felt horrible. Slowly, I held up my hand for her to touch. Jasper watched the exchange excruciatingly closely. Alice looked at my hand and pushed it away. I tried to hide my hurt but was unable to, seeing as Alice wrapped her arms around my shoulders and squeezed with surprising strength that left my shoulders aching.
"I'm sorry," I whispered to her, hoping she would hear the pain in my voice. She nodded against my neck and placed a light kiss atop my head.
"Things will work out," she promised lightly before taking Jasper's hand and pulling him out of the room with her. The door shut behind them quietly. I didn't have to wait long before a quiet knock sounded.
"Come in," I called, unable to make my voice rise any higher. Fear was grasping at my esophagus. But then my breath caught when I saw the face of an angel, her eyes red and puffy, her mouth open as she blew a quiet breath from her mouth.
"Hi Edward."
--
A/N: Okay all, I'm exhausted. This is what I'm posting right now before I start up my lab report. Asking for more would just be you all trying to kill me. Seriously, I'm pooped. Now, you all may be wondering where the panic attack came from. Well, the panic attack scene itself was based on reality. My brother had a panic attack like that. Just imagine Carlisle as my dad, Esme as my mom, Rosalie and Jasper as my older sister and my younger brother, and Alice as me. Mind you, we're not pretty enough to take those roles, but still, that's how it happened. My bro didn't exactly hurt a girl though, so yeah. The point is, that's what happened. Don't tell my brother I told you all; he's still pretty sensitive about it. This chapter nearly made me cry. Again, I hate it when characters are in pain. Their pain is my pain.
Anyway, moderately long chapter. It wore me out. I'll be posting more stuff later. I need sleep. Anemia kind of cancels out insomnia.
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