The inside of Rabi's house wasn't an unfamiliar sight; I'm here all the time—you could say that Rabi has deemed himself my best friend. He lives here with his grandfather, of which, I've only seen three or four times, since he stays locked away in his private study. Of the hundreds of times I've been here he's never complained about noise, never came out to ask us if we were hungry, or wanted something to drink. He's only come out for the mail, as far as I know.
"Rabi, where's your bathroom?" Asked Kanda from the living room, standing in the hallway before the kitchen. I removed my shoes and placed my backpack on the hardwood floor. Rabi's in the kitchen, probably getting something to drink, or searching for something to eat. I know I'm usually hungry after school, but I seem to have lost my appetite after everything that's happened so far on this retched day.
"Down the hall first door to your left." Rabi replied, sounding like he has his head stuck in the refrigerator. I tried to sneak past Kanda's vision and escape into the dinning room, and failed. He caught my eyes and gave me the slightest hint of a smile, by simply raising a corner of his mouth. It was enough to give me chills. I tried to calm myself enough to steal myself into the living room, but couldn't find it in me. I stood there frozen by his eyes. Moving? Yeah, no. His eyes had a hold of me, with their flecks of gold and… blue? Looks like blue. That's amazing. His eyes, I mean…
He turned away and went looking for the bathroom. What was that! I mean that was maybe two—three seconds and I was totally mesmerized. What the fuck is wrong with me?
My eyes followed him for as long as they could around the corner. I know where he's going, I could follow him. To where? The bathroom? No, that'd be weird. I did manage to go a few short steps in his direction before I caught myself; Rabi made a loud banging noise in the kitchen.
I take the few extra steps into the doorway of the kitchen. What I find, doesn't surprise me—Rabi has an entire bowl's worth of fresh grapes scattered across the floor like tinny bombs—step on one, a whole lot more cleaning to do. Rabi's not one to be sloppy or clumsy, so he probably did it on purpose. I don't know his motives, even if I've been his friend for a while now, I still can't figure out some of the things he does. Though this time I have an idea, and I don't like it.
I silently started picking up grapes off the floor, alongside Rabi. In a minute or two, Kanda joined us, standing in the doorway, asking what happened.
"I dropped some grapes." Was all Rabi said, and continued plucking them from their resting places on the floor. We had everything cleaned up in less then five minutes, and Rabi thanked me for my help, then shooed me off to the living room with Kanda. Kanda eyed me with suspicion. If it wasn't for the… I don't know if I should even call it an argument—earlier, between Kanda and Rabi, I would say he hated me. But much less, I think he likes me.
Sighing, I sulked into the couch, tired from today, everything that's happened. Though I know it's not over yet. There's more to come. Just as the thought hit my brain, I felt someone touching my shoulder, and shied away from it. I stole a glance behind me at Kanda, who was standing behind the couch, his eyes showing concern, while the rest of his features couldn't care less. He realized what he was doing, and dropped his hand back to his side, and pretended to stare off into space. I turned back, and stared at a stain on the white carpet. I actually wanted his hand to come back. To rest on my shoulder. I longed for it.
I clenched my jaw. No, I didn't. What's wrong with me? Why would I want this guy, who I just met today, to comfort me? I just found out that I'm gay. I need to figure some things out before I make rash decisions. Like liking someone, for example.
"Allen? Kanda? I'm walking up to the store. Getting some popcorn and stuff. You guys can stay here. I'll be back in half an hour." Rabi stated from the doorway. He gave me a sullen glance, and a nod to us both. Knowing Rabi, he'll be back in 45 minutes—if I'm lucky. This means I'm going to be alone with Kanda for who knows how long, with an old man that never comes out of his room.
I turned back around in the couch, and waited for the front door to slam. But it didn't. Instead, soft footsteps came a crossed the carpet towards the couch. Rabi's soft touch ruffled my hair, and I shied away from it, the same way I did Kanda's touch. I glance back, this time at Rabi, with a death glare. I was getting fed up with Rabi. He already knew I wasn't… That I don't like him like that. I turned back round in the couch and drew my knees up toward my chin, hugging them. What the fuck am I going to do? I heard the front door slam. The stain on the floor was suddenly very interesting when Kanda walked around the couch and sat beside him and touched my shoulder.
I didn't shy away. It calmed me more than anything else.
"Allen Walker. The boy with white hair. You, of all people; Rabi's lover." He stated, like he knew what he was talking about. I jerked away from his hand at his words and stared at him.
"I am inot/i his lover." I said coldly. He gave me a sideways look and replaced his hand with a slightly tighter grip.
"Then why were you two kissing?" He asked in the same tone I gave him. My eyes found the stain on the floor once again. I remained silent.
"Che. Well?" He said; after a few seconds. I turned away from him completely and tensed.
"He said he likes me. Then he kissed me. I didn't have much choice."
"Che." He grabbed my chin and pulled my face to look at him. "I'm giving you a choice then." I tensed more. "May I kiss you?" His brown eyes were fixed on mine. I froze.
"I…" A blush rose to my cheeks. I couldn't say anything more. I don't know what my face said, but something must've been wrong. He sighed and let go, standing up all in one swift movement.
"Forget it." He clenched his fists and started to walk away. I thought I saw what looked to be a slight red tint to his cheeks; I think he was blushing.
I unfroze; I let out a breath I was holding and stood up. I had to run, but I caught his arm before he left the room. He turned to stare at me, waiting.
"Yes." Before I could even finish one word, his lips were on mine. He twisted around and grabbed the back of my head and slid a hand around my waist and under my shirt. It made me shiver; his hand was cold. I couldn't do anything; I was once again frozen in place because of him. All I could do was close my eyes and concentrate on his lips with mine. My stomach flipped and I thought, 'This is my first kiss. Not the other one today… This. This here.'
"Allen." He whispered, breaking the moment.
"Yea?" I replied. He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. I didn't want it to be over. I wanted my stomach to tingle and him in close and personal contact. He'd dropped his arms when he had pulled away.
"Will you go out with me?" I tensed at his question. I ducked my head and brought my scarred arm up to my chest and clutched it wrist. My socks seemed very interesting compared to when I put them on earlier.
"Uh…I… don't know…" I took another shaky breath. He sighed and turned me by my shoulders to face him, though he didn't make me look up. For that I was thankful, I don't think I could look him in the eyes without crying.
"It's okay to say no." He said flatly.
"No! No, it's just… I just realized I'm gay…today… I don't even… know what…" I gripped my wrist harder and clenched my jaw.
"Think about it." He whispered. I nodded and felt him slide his hands down my arms. He didn't have a reason to, but he let go of me—when all I wanted was for him to hold me. "I'll be behind the building after school." I knew exactly where he meant. Right where Rabi kissed me.
"Okay." I gave a small nod and whispered the word again. I walked toward the front door and picked up backpack and my shoes from the mat, put them on as quickly as I could, and opened the door, and gently closed it behind me.
Then I ran. I ran directly towards my house, directly towards the house Mana left me when he died. It was grand and old and extremely too big for one person. I threw my backpack against the side of the wall, breathing hard and tired; that run was at least three miles.
I still managed to clime up the oak staircase and collapse into my bed, before pulling the covers over my head and just laying there in the dark with my eyes wide. Thinking. Just thinking. I must've sat there for hours; I even made a mental pro/con list. It was only about six a clock when my stomach growled angrily at me. I sighed and dragged myself out of bed and made my way downstairs—sluggishly. I didn't stop thinking about it all the way though my large dinner and even though a T.V. show I tried to watch. I should be happy, right? So, why am I stressed out about it? I just don't know…
I give up, I'm going to bed. I did my evening rituals; wash dishes; brush teeth; change; then I finally went to bed at nine. I just laid there. Going over everything again. I'm for sure over thinking this. It should just be what ever makes me happy. What makes Kanda happy. What makes… Rabi happy. I can't be with both of them, I'm only one person. I like Kanda. I don't know what it is about him that makes me smile. But I like Rabi as well. Just not in the same way. Defiantly not the same way…
Eventually I drifted off to sleep, still thinking I was silly for thinking this though so much.
The next morning is when I realized we had finals. I cursed myself for not studying, and sighed. Today was going to be another one of those days where nothing goes right.
