Playing Imprint
Reap What You Sow
Lou Reed – Perfect Day
I made up a meal for me and Charlie. But I felt out of my body and just distant from the moment. I sat on the front porch watching the rain while I was deep in thought. I didn't stop and think very often. I was scared of what realizations I would have. But it seemed too hard to avoid today. I'd been fighting the need to stop and think since Jacob left my room. I used to think all of the time. I was slow and deliberate and thought things through before Edward left. Now, I rarely sat still. I kept myself busy. I didn't have to face myself when I was busy. But things were changing between me and Jacob. There had to be a way to fight the imprint without breaking him. The sex and connection with Jacob that I hadn't realized before I slept with gray eyes, had fed me a small steady diet of security that had just barely managed to keep my emotional void from screaming at me. All of my hurts, feelings and underlying thoughts were kept at bay with sex and Jacob was paying for it. But if it changed, I would have to risk getting hurt again. I'd have to feel again. I was a small tug boat that was pulling an ocean liner behind me. That ocean liner was my baggage and I was sure that if I tried to take on all the people and cargo from the ocean liner, I would sink. But maybe I was looking at this the wrong way. Maybe Jacob was the ocean liner and I was leading him over a waterfall? To destruction? I shuddered at the thought. There were so many horrific possibilities with that analogy that I shuddered to consider it furth so I pushed it aside.
Usually when I hurt Jacob, I could reason back to the facts. I do not in fact belong to him. He agreed to our friendship with sex on the side. The imprint was supposed to be about him making me happy. I didn't want a romantic relationship with anyone. So this arrangement should make me happy. If the imprint is about making me happy, why wasn't this arrangement working?
Because I'm not happy.
The thought was so loud in my mind that it came at me like a megaphone. The truth was that the imprint or Jacob or both, knew what I really needed. What I needed was something I was too cowardly to deal with. I had grown stronger and colder. It was hard to get close enough to hurt me now. Everyone was at arms length. Only during sex with Jacob did I allow myself to open up. Not just physically. I let him make love to me. I found out what 'just sex' was last night. And it wasn't what I was having with Jacob. Why did Jacob and the imprint push for more than sex? Because while I thought I wanted just sex, it wasn't making me happy. I wasn't fooling anyone.
I was brave enough to face James, Laurent and Tony. But was I brave enough to face feelings? Fuck no! Not yet at least. Was I ready to talk to Jacob openly yet? He deserved to know the truth. I had been using him all of this time. I should at the very least apologize to him. Maybe we could have our very first open and honest conversation. And maybe I could tear my heart out and dance a jig on it while I was at it? SHIT! Tears were already burning my eyes. I heard a gut wrenching sob that I knew would streak my make-up. I stood and shook myself. Then held my hands against the wall and braced myself. I fought shaky breaths and remembered the wolves were taking shifts watching my house for Victoria. The odds were good that they were witnessing my weakness. Talking to Jacob would expose the details of my selfishness, cowardliness and weakness. I groaned at the thought.
This was all too much for me. I wasn't ready for this but I was trapped here. I was expected to make Jacob happy. When did I choose Jacob? I hardly knew him. I woke up out of my depression, started working at the club and then he had just inserted himself into my life. I knew how fantastic he was in bed and how I felt connected to him after my experience with Gray Eyes. But he didn't own me. I was free to come and go as I pleased. I had had enough of being watched while they listened to my meltdown. I should have privacy for moments like this. I was NEVER alone. I looked to the woods and spoke knowing they could hear me.
"I'm taking a drive and you are not going to follow. None of the pack will follow me. Show yourself, I need to know you hear me." That's when I saw Seth's wolf coming out of the trees whining pathetically. He quickly turned and ran into the trees. I headed to my Honda Civic that I had purchased to replace the truck when he appeared in front of me wearing jeans. You'd never know he was fourteen years old. He looked eighteen.
"Please Bella. You know Victoria will come the one time you are without protection." He pleaded with me.
"I've been out alone and she hasn't caught me before. I can't live with an audience the rest of my life. And maybe, I should be taking care of myself." He looked at me like I was crazy.
"You're going to defend yourself against a vampire Bella? You're entirely human. You can't."
I had some secrets. I'd been researching and wasn't defenceless. If Victoria came for me, I wasn't going down without a fight. I looked Seth in the eye.
"Fucking try me. I'm not useless. I don't need to be babysat at all times. You will not follow me." I insisted.
"If you die, you will kill Jacob." He said sternly with an exasperated tone.
"If I stay, you will smother me to death." I was serious. I wasn't going to go far today. Just a couple of hours driving in solitude. Maybe a walk. But it was time to leave Forks permanently in the next few days. I climbed into the car. "Do not follow me." I ordered. Seth looked torn and as if he was going to cry. I felt pity for him but I couldn't do this anymore. I was feeling trapped and I was hurting those around me. I was supposed to have a choice. Well my choice right now was to be alone. Maybe I could think without worrying about wolves watching me cry like a pathetic, helpless girl. I should be able to cry like the pathetic, helpless little girl I was without anyone else knowing.
I drove away realizing that I hadn't said anything to Charlie. I'd be back soon enough. I drove out of Forks. I stopped paying attention to where I was. My thoughts raced through the last year. I had gone from independent young woman to clingy dependent girlfriend, to zombie emo girl, to stripper, to cold hag.
I was driving through mountains when my stomach dropped. My headlights shone on Victoria with her wild red hair. I slammed on the breaks while I reached for my gun in the glove compartment. My hand paused to undo my seatbelt. My eyes didn't leave hers. We stared at each other. I let her see the gun, there were more loaded guns in the glove box. She laughed at me. As if a gun could stop her. I knew she wanted to torture me. She wouldn't kill me instantly and that should buy me some time. I put on the hand break and nodded at her.
"Victoria, I'm sorry we got off on the wrong foot. I don't hate you. I just think you need a personality adjustment, a new wardrobe and cosmetic surgery." I said noticing my window was open. I didn't want to shoot her through the windshield. I'd wait for her to come around. I only had so many rounds and I wanted to make them count.
"I was thinking of you today, Bella. I also threw up in my mouth a little. I'm sure it was just a coincidence." I snorted. As if a vampire would throw up. She swung her hips confidently as she paced towards me with a dark smile. I wanted to shake and wet myself with fear. But that wouldn't help me. I wouldn't want someone to find my body after I wet myself. Bad decisions make good stories. I told myself while my inner critic snorted that I would never live through this. Focus Bella! Focus on the target.
I held my gun as I had practiced prepared to fire on her. She began to circle the car towards the driver's side door. My gun followed her ready for the moment I could aim through the open window and squeeze the trigger. She paused.
"I have personal space issues Victoria. And a flame thrower." I said with malice. Well, not yet. I was in the middle of trying to get one through illegal channels. But she didn't know that. She flinched.
"Jamie boy loved fire didn't he cum dumpster?" She made a strange choking sound. The look on her face made me wonder if I wanted to wet myself or shit myself. She moved one more foot to her right and I emptied my semi-automatic in to her before grabbing the next gun. I had slowed her down to have enough time to get it. I saw confusion and pain twist her face as she ripped me out of the window and threw me against a tree.
"What the fuck was that?" She screamed at me. The holes in her chest had smoke emitting from them and weren't healing instantaneously. She looked horrified.
I grinned realizing through my own pain that I'd managed to hang onto my second gun and that the rounds were effective on her. I struggled to stand and emptied the gun into her heading back to the car for another loaded gun and pick up some more rounds. She screeched.
"We can't all be the princess... someone has to sit on the curb and wave as i go by!" I said as I passed her. I bent into the car and pulled out what I needed. She was bent over herself making an unworldly cry. I wasn't about to share how Gary had been kind enough to help me out with finding someone who could help me manufacture bullets that would burst into flames and spill acid on impact. Gary was awesome. He thought my pet project was strange and funny and dark and didn't ask questions. I'd never understand him, but he was a good friend. I also hadn't told the pack. They thought I was useless and most of them outright hated me. I had loaded my gun and put the third gun in the back of my pants as I pointed my gun at her. I shot her in the face at point blank range aiming for her eyes. She shrieked.
I reached for more bullets when she reached out and bashed my head against the roof of the car.
I woke up to quiet ringing in my ears and vertigo. Light pressed against my eyelids. I fought to open my eyes. Blurry images attacked me and I quickly slammed my eyes closed again. I shook my head and my whole body went too far. Hands caught me. My balance was gone. I still only heard quiet ringing.
I pushed against the bed and it was brought up to a sitting position as I could feel the electronically powered motor move it up. My eyes opened again and my eyes better adjusted to the lights and images this time. Slowly faces came into focus. Charlie, Jacob and Edward were in a hospital room. A blinding headache stunned me and grabbed my head. It was bandaged. My eyes jammed closed again.
My ears continued to ring. I curled into a ball and felt my body wrack with sobs that I couldn't hear.
Soon, the pain was over and I lulled back to sleep.
I woke again to darkness and silence. The room was dim and empty. I saw hospital equipment attached to me. A machine that I recognized tracked my heartbeat. I felt drugged. I reached to pull the equipment off of me but my hand barely lifted. I gave up and let sleep overtake me again.
Light pressed against my eyelids pushing for consciousness. I obeyed and slowly took in my surroundings. The room was silent still and I felt a small ache in my head. I was still on drugs but they weren't as strong as the night I recalled. I shifted in the bed to look around and was struck with vertigo. I wanted to be sick. Charlie and Jacob stood to my left and Edward and Carlisle stood to my right. I noticed lips moving. They must have seen my confusion. They looked at each other and spoke more rapidly. They looked scared and soon I felt scared. My bed moved into a sitting position again.
When was the last time I had heard anything? I focused on my dry throat and tried to push up sound and hoped I was forming the word I wanted to form.
"Sound?" I put my hands to my ears. Carlisle had a clipboard and scribbled quickly before handing it and a pen to me.
As I focused on the paper, I could read it, but the strain made my vertigo and nausea grow.
You can't hear? Any other symptoms?
He wrote in elegant handwriting. I wrote below him in my scrawl.
Nausea
Vertigo
Small headache
Can't tell if I'm making words anyone can understand.
I handed the clipboard back to him. I could see Jacob and Edward arguing back and forth. It made me want to cry. Why was Edward here? And why were they arguing? Why wouldn't they both go away and leave me alone? I watched Charlie's face as he told them off and I could feel the triumphant look on my face. Charlie at least knew me well enough to tell them off for me.
Bad decisions make good stories. I repeated the mantra to myself. It didn't seem like a very good story right now. None of my bad decisions were taking me anywhere good. Charlie handed the clipboard to me. Everything was happening so fast without the audio clues, I didn't know where to be looking. It felt like the clipboard had appeared out of nowhere from Charlie's side of the bed. I read his large bold letters.
Are you hungry or thirsty? Do you have questions?
I felt defeated. Conversing through a clipboard was a lot of work. It hurt my head.
Reading and writing hurts. I scribbled shoving the clipboard back to him. I saw them talking between each other. I wished I could read lips. I felt overwhelmed, frustrated, confused and a little scared. I noticed how dry my mouth was now. He was right. I was thirsty. I tried to push the word out.
"Water?" They all stopped and looked at me confused. I must not have said it right. I mimed tipping a cup to my lips. I saw understanding reach their face. Carlisle talked and no one made a movement to leave the room to fetch me water. I was annoyed. I decided no one understood. I reached for the clipboard. Charlie handed them over.
Water
I wrote. Charlie nodded and patted my hand. I felt a frown on my face as no one moved to get me water. What the hell? I thought to myself.
A nurse appeared at my side out of nowhere handing me a cup of orange liquid. What was that? Pedialite? I shrugged and drank it back. She began to examine me.
The silence was becoming overbearing. Who even knew what threats I was facing? I couldn't watch in every direction at the same time. They were talking over me again. As if I wasn't there. Except for Jacob. He was watching me. He spoke occasionally but his eyes returned to rest on me. We stared at each other. I hadn't realized until that moment all of the fear and anxiety that had been building up in me so strongly. It all just hit me at once. Victoria almost killed me! I could feel the ugly cry expression pull on my face and felt snot and tears build up before they fell. I didn't take my eyes off Jacob. I couldn't form the words, but I wanted him now. He understood and came to me. I tried my hardest through my tears to say the most important word I could think of.
"Sorry." His strong and hot arms embraced me. I cried into his shoulder feeling my body shake. I tried to say it again in case he didn't understand me the first time.
"Sorry." I felt vibrations from his chest and I expected it was his base voice replying three syllables. I hoped he was saying "it's okay." But I had no way of knowing. It suddenly struck me that the last time he was in a hospital like this, his mother was dead and his father was paralyzed from the waist down. I was important to him and I had put him through that trauma all over again? I felt like the worst person in the world. What had he been through? I cried harder as I realized how selfish I was.
"Sorry." I said yet again. I wished I could take it all back. His chest vibrated against me with more words that I couldn't hear or understand. I couldn't see through my tears and I couldn't hear. The outside world was shut out and all I knew was Jacob. I wouldn't have known how cold I was but I enjoyed how much he warmed me. I wished I wasn't doing the ugly cry in front of him. I enjoyed his scent, his heartbeat against me, the feel of his body and his hands rubbing soothingly over my bare back. I felt like a small child in his arms. I felt cold air over my back and knew that I was naked down my back from the hospital gown and that I was attached to a catheter. I felt a blush but didn't care enough to pull away. I needed Jacob to hold me. Even if it wasn't pretty.
