Playing Imprint

Peaceful Oblivion

The Cranberries – Empty

The lump in my throat was growing and choking me. I was so frustrated! Why didn't I get this already? I wanted to hit her. She hadn't done anything wrong and I kept reminding myself of that fact. But it felt like we had been working on this for an eternity and it really hadn't been that long. Then Doreen shook her head at me repeating the sentence annunciating clearly for my benefit.

I caught a glimpse of Jacob standing in the doorway. A smile lit our faces until her hand waved me back to her lips. She was firm but kind as she continued to talk to me. I tried to watch her lips carefully again as her lesson continued. Frustration and hurt was building again. I felt a vibration in my chest and throat telling me that my voice was making a noise. My voice was probably betraying my feelings although I couldn't know what type of sound I was making. When I frowned at her displaying my confusion again, she paused and considered something. Then I recognized her lips repeat a line she had said a few times before.

'Can I teach you sign language yet?'

'No!'

My throat forced out. I sensed that had come out more naturally. One of the first words a child learns, I was pretty sure I could nail that word. In fact, I had probably just yelled.

'Very good!'

I rolled my eyes. I had heard a ten month old say no before. It really wasn't an accomplishment. I was tired and frustrated. I thought that after the surgery my hearing would be back. No one had promised me any such thing. But I had expected it. As more likely expected my vertigo had been much improved though. I once stood on a see-through glass platform at the Grand Canyon. Even though I knew that I was standing on solid ground, I felt like I was falling looking down through the glass below my feet. That had been how it felt before the surgery. I should be grateful. But I was so disappointed about my hearing.

Doreen was talking again but I'd completely lost the last of my patience. I felt vulnerable and stupid and frustrated and strangely enough ashamed.

'Fuck you.'

I forced out as best I could and flipped my middle finger at her for good measure for her efforts. She frowned, closed up her binders and walked out with only a cocked eyebrow. Doreen must have been a saint in another life. I wanted someone to blow up and yell back at me. I watched her talk to Jacob at the door. He nodded and replied seriously. I couldn't see his lips from where he was half turned away from me. I probably only would have figured out a couple of words anyway. Not enough to figure out what he was saying.

He sauntered over to me and sat down on the edge of my bed wearing a snug fitting black t-shirt, muddy loose dark jeans and running shoes. He wagged his finger at me and gave me a disapproving look. It was partially comical but mostly reprimanding my behaviour towards Doreen. A part of me almost shrank back from his disapproval. But I glared back at him the rage still burning strong enough to cover the tears threatening to overwhelm me. His signature white smile replaced his disapproval as he softened the blow that had been the frustrating past forty-five minutes. Forty-five minutes of my miserable failure to communicate with another being as she tried to teach me to converse in a conversation like manner. I was becoming ever more reliant on body language and facial expressions and gestures. I was just your regular cavewoman over here. I would catch myself making noises from my throat that I could only assume were grunts.

I had never paid much attention to body language before, but the wolves and vampires seemed to be the most expressive passing on thoughts and ideas with me. I suppose they worked off of instincts and used body language to communicate a great deal already. I found I was more expressive in my own body language now that I couldn't express my mood with the tone of my voice or choice of words so easily.

My worst visit so far had been Jessica. She seemed to equate deaf with brain damaged. I was now thinking that maybe she was in fact brain damaged herself. The bitch had upset me. I had wanted to beat her into a bloody pulp for her pity and stupidity. Other people seemed to realize I couldn't attempt to communicate unless they kept their lips where I could see them or wrote it down. She kept facing other people when she talked and then had the nerve to show me pity when I didn't have a clue what she just told me. Mike had to drag her out because I was pulling machines along with me trying to get a hold her neck. Yes, I was more aggressive these days. Mike seemed to understand.

Neelu was right. I needed to go somewhere. Do something. As soon as I was finished healing, I would travel with her. Maybe I might find some meaning. Victoria was dead now. I didn't have to watch over my shoulder. It was the only improvement. I thought I would feel better when Edward returned. He only came because he thought Victoria had killed me. He pitied me for my moral standings after stripping and my relationship with Jacob and because I was deaf. I could see it in his eyes, I was Ophelia from Hamlet. The fragile victim who had self destructed. As much as I hated Jacob's wolf claim on me, he saw me the same way he had always seen me even if he had barely known me before imprinting. Of course, he had adjusted communicating with me since I lost my hearing. But he didn't have a look in his eyes that said fragile or tragic. He adored me, but he saw me as a capable woman whether I could hear or not.

Jacob tapped the back of his wrist like an imaginary watch and stood up collecting my bags. I climbed out of bed to put my shoes and socks on. I was getting discharged today. Jacob caught my eye to tell me something.

Bonfire, tonight. Sex?

He wanted sex at the bonfire tonight?

Sex at bonfire?

I tried to ask focusing on pushing noise through my throat. I didn't want sex up on the cliff. He threw his head back, I could see he was laughing hard. I frowned. It wasn't that funny. I folded my arms and pouted. He eventually managed to calm down long enough hold up six fingers and point to the clock on the wall. Realizing my mistake I felt a blush. Six not sex. I felt hot tears spring to my eyes because I felt like such an idiot. I felt like an idiot a lot of the time when I failed to communicate properly. The all too familiar lump in my throat was choked me and I wanted to hurt him. Then came the shame. He didn't do anything wrong. I shouldn't want to hurt him. I tried to hide my reactions from him when I realized he had been watching all of these emotions cross my face. This wasn't the first time and it wouldn't be the last time this sort of thing happened. I would need a thicker skin.

He wrapped his arms around me and I could feel his breath on the top of my head. I could feel him talking. It would have been nice to know what he was saying. I was starting to feel like I was in silent movies. An act would play before me while I tried to piece together what was happening. Except that in a silent movie, words would come up on the screen and explain what was happening periodically.

Carlisle came in just then and tried to talk to me. I was still cooling off over the 'six and sex' so I wasn't able to follow his lips. Carlisle and Jacob continued to talk and then Carlisle gave me a warm smile before leaving.

Jacob tugged on my arm indicating I had the go ahead to leave. My hand absentmindedly touched my bandages from my surgery. I wondered what my balance would be like by the time I was off my meds.

There dishes already made and covered for me when I came home. People from Forks and La Push had sent meals around for us. So making a late lunch or early dinner for Charlie was simply a matter of reheating casserole. Charlie tried to make small talk at the table. But I wasn't in the mood for that struggle. He finally wrote down on my white board that Jake called and said that he would be here at six.

I shook my head. I wasn't going. It was hard enough to figure out what was happening with one person talking to me. The bonfire sounded like a nightmare the more I thought about it and I was just so tired. The meds still made me feel a little high. I had lots of good excuses but the truth was that I wanted to stay at home and sulk.

Charlie disapproved. I watched his mouth and it wasn't hard to read because I knew exactly what he was about to say.

'You call him then.'

I wanted to scream in frustration. He grinned out of the side of his mouth as he tilted his head down so it would be harder to see his face. I wasn't going to win this argument.

I watched him finish his meal and leave the room. I thought about my cell phone that I hadn't been home to pay the bill for while in hospital and forgotten all about. I couldn't text Jacob. I thought about instant messaging to him but he rarely went on computers. Half the time he didn't carry his cell phone on him because he forgot to charge it. It was hard to get a hold of that boy.

I went into the backyard and wondered what to do. Victoria was gone. I didn't have a werewolf in my backyard at all times as my personal body guard. Besides, how would I get their attention without alerting Charlie? I couldn't tell how loud I was. I choked back tears and stormed up to my room to get ready.

I wore leggings and a very short dress with a warm hooded sweater. My stomach was a little off from liquid diets from the hospital, I didn't want anything to press too hard on my abdomen like jeans. The only matching shoes were bamboo flip flops. I sat on the stairs awaiting Jacob's arrival as I didn't want him to come up to my room to get me. I felt a tap on my shoulder and didn't bother to look up. I saw his shoes and knew it was Jacob. I watched the floor more these days. It was any easy way to block out the world and I learned who owned what shoes. He held my elbow as I walked to the rabbit. Truthfully my balance coming out of the hospital even without the vertigo that I knew I needed the help that people offered whenever I started walking. It only reinforced the sense that I was an invalid. As I got better, I was determined that I wouldn't need help soon.

I didn't look at Jacob the whole way to the bonfire and so there was no communication.

He pulled up at the bonfire and met me as I came out of the car. I always made efforts to be out of the vehicles before someone could hold the door open for me. He led me to the large group eating away at mounds of food. I felt a little sick. The smell of all the cooking meat and the idea of swallowing it back made me feel ill. Jacob caught the look on my face.

'No meat.'

I said shakily. He seemed to understand me. He led me to a bench next to Kim and left me there. She smiled at me shyly. I gave her a polite smile but looked at the ocean. I sensed something behind me. I looked back and there was a wall of pack boys standing in a circle talking. I jumped in surprise and felt a whoosh of air and vibration through my throat. People turned and stared at me. I must have screamed.

'Sorry.'

I tried to say as I bowed my head. I would have preferred to give them the finger and tell them to sit on it and rotate. But they're big and intimidating and I was just feeling too small right now. The gathering moved too much. There was too much happening for me to watch and I was without my audio clues. Then there was the smell of cooking meat while my stomach was being annoyingly sensitive. I wanted to go home.

This was my first bonfire with the pack. I was grateful to see Billy there. While I felt like an invalid, he was an invalid. There had to be a better word than invalid. I hadn't stopped to think about how these words really sounded before. Handicapped, invalid, disabled. None of these names expressed how I wanted to see myself or Billy.

A plate of food dropped in front of me. Salad, jacket potato and corn on the cob. The potato was probably too heavy. Soup would have been a better idea. I wanted to go home and sleep. I focused on my plate and began to eat even though my appetite was weak.

Soon enough Jacob tapped my shoulder and held me against me as he led me to a log at the bonfire. Everyone was gathering. I stared at feet. Shoes weren't as overwhelming as people. As everyone settled I watched the fire and soon their eyes were watching Billy talking. I didn't attempt to watch his mouth. I watched the audience and how the firelight and shadows danced on their beautiful faces. They were beautiful. As the flames licked the logs, the light danced and twisted and turned under the night sky. I felt sleepiness setting in.

I dropped my head in Jacob's lap and he stroked my hair. I closed my eyes but my lack of balance struck and I felt myself falling off the log. Jacob instantly gathered me up in a ball on his lap and held me close in his arms. I didn't care what others saw. I pushed to dangle my feet and settled in against his warm chest.

The world had been chaotic and hurtful in the past weeks. But suddenly everything slowed down in this moment to blissful peace. Peace that I desperately needed. I felt calm and all of the hurt I had shoved down from Edward leaving, men asking me to sleep with them for money at the club, Tony, Laurent, Victoria, my secrets, my shame, my self-doubt, my hearing loss, my fear, my pain, my sorrow seemed to crash over me and I felt as though the heat from the flames were burning it all away. Cleansing me. I felt a wretched sob and for the first time, I let it. I knew there was an audience. I didn't care what they thought. It was already coming and in this moment, I didn't care that people would see that I was hurting. I was running out of anger to keep me going. I hated that Jacob and everyone would see how weak I was. But this felt like freeing. I clung to Jacob and I felt him try to sooth me. I hoped I wasn't too loud.

I sensed I was getting worse and I tried to reign it in. But those floodgates had already been released. My entire body was wracked with tears. I could feel Jacob lifting me up and taking me somewhere. I clung to him tighter.

'Not home.'

I struggled out and kept repeating. I didn't want to be alone in my room crying like this. I didn't want Charlie to see my like this too. In Jacob's arms, there was peace. I wanted to stay there. Jacob left me on his bed and my tears came harder and more desperate as I expected he'd had enough and put me down. He was probably going back to the bonfire. I did notice that he had left me on his bed. That was better than at my house. He came back and helped me change into a pair of his boxers and an old t-shirt. He curled up with me on his bed and I felt protected. He had tried so hard to protect me from all of this. But I broke myself. Was there any hope for me? I didn't focus on that thought for long. I was too scared of the answer.

His warm hands caressed my body and it felt soothing. It wasn't in the least bit sexual. I was so used to be approached in a sexual way, that this came as a surprise to me. He wasn't interested in having sex with me. He just curled around me defensively. This was exactly what I needed. My tears continued to come but more softly now. Exhaustion overwhelmed me and I slowly fell into a blissful peace in oblivion.

Darkness came down and I welcomed it. I could sense dreamless sleep coming and my tears begin to fall away. My heavy chest lightened and I began to feel free. Was that what I had need all of this time? It had been more than a year since I had last allowed myself to cry. I should have done this sooner.