They didn't get much past the couch this time, pushing in through the front door and barely kicking it closed behind them before their hands were on each other, mouths hungry and quickly divesting themselves of clothing.
"Fucking bijective functions," Puck groaned. "I thought I was going to have to whip it out right there in class. You're so fucking hot, Dave."
Why did he keep saying things like that? Did he think that was what Dave wanted to hear? It was sort of nice, maybe, and hearing Puck use that voice - if he could take it seriously - that really would be fucking hot. Dave smiled and made a little "hmmph" noise. Let Puck interpret that the way he wanted.
"Oh, come on, don't tell me you never had any students following you around before. Wanting to ask questions after class, needing help from their prof?" Puck's smirk emerged from beneath his t-shirt, and he crouched down, putting his eyes parallel with Dave's navel. "A little extra credit, maybe?"
Dave went cold. Fuck, that was - that was - dirty and sick and wrong and all the things he never, ever, ever wanted to be again. He stared down at Puck. He didn't really think that, did he? Because if he did - fuck.Puck must have seen something of his feelings in his face, because he shook his head.
"Hey, man, I don't mean you would actually do that. I know you're an ethical guy." Puck tugged on the hem of Dave's pants, arching one eyebrow as he gazed up at him. "But it doesn't mean you didn't think about it, right? I'm all about fulfilling fantasies." He draped his arms around Dave's hips, running a tongue over his top lip. "So tell me, teach - what can I do to raise my grade?"
Dave looked down. A week ago, this might have ranked as the hottest thing he'd seen in his life. It hadn't bothered him that much that Puck was his student, but now, when he was painting a vivid picture of all the ways Dave might have abused that situation... it was wrong. And a part of Dave still wanted to keep going. He felt like throwing up.
"No. Sorry, I can't do this." He pushed Puck away gently. "Too real."
Puck stared up at him. "Hey, man - forget it, okay? It was just a joke." He sprawled back on the floor, stretching out his legs, and eyed Dave. "I didn't mean it. Come on."
Dave drew a long breath. "I know. It's fine. I just - let's not try that again, okay?"
"I promise." He made an X over his chest. "Cross my heart. Will you just sit the fuck down here?"
Dave nodded, and sat down silently. He had to calm down or Puck would think he'd done something wrong. And he hadn't, really. It was just that Puck seemed to be a lot better than him at having things not mean anything.
Puck touched his hand. "I'm sorry. It was just a game, you know? Pretend. But we don't have to do that. We can just be... us. Just Dave, and Noah. All right?"
That sounded like a good idea, at least for now. The two of them together was complicated enough without introducing all sort of unknown independent variables. Dave ran his thumb across Puck's wrist. "Okay."
Puck laced their fingers together. "You're cool, with me being here, right?"
"Yes. Of course." Dave was still a little shaken, but he tried to remember that a few minutes ago, he'd had no problem with this, and that nothing had really changed since then outside of his head.
"Jeez. I didn't know that was going to bother you so much." He peered into Dave's eyes.
"I know. I wish it didn't, I just... do you think we can forget the last five minutes ever happened and go back to where we were?"
"Of course, man. Don't worry about it." His smile was easy. Dave wished he could be so casual. He did his best to smile back and not let the tension show.
"Okay, I won't." Or at least he'd really try. They leaned together into a kiss.
But Dave's heart wasn't in it. He was too distracted by thoughts of what Puck had done. Puck was the one taking all the risks, putting himself out there, giving Dave opportunity after opportunity to turn him down or laugh at him or freak out. And that might have been okay, if Puck really was as fearless and confident as he acted, but Dave knew for a fact that he wasn't. He'd ignored his insecurities and gone for it anyway, and Dave had rewarded him by having an epic freakout that apparently Puck thought it was his job to deal with.
Eventually, Puck pulled away and sighed. "Dude. You want me to go?"
He really didn't. It might not be too late to get this thing back on the rails, but if Puck left now, on this note, it would be a lot harder. He shook his head.
"Okay." Dave didn't get the way Puck just seemed to accept what he said at face value, because everybody had something to hide. It was like he could say just about anything he wanted and Puck would believe him. Puck shifted restlessly on the floor. "I've got to do something, though." He glanced at Dave, his unspoken if we're not going to fuck loud as a clarion. "You want to take a walk?"
That sounded pretty much perfect, actually, it would be a lot easier if they were moving instead of sitting around looking at each other and thinking about what they weren't doing. Dave had a fleeting thought about whether it was safe to be seen walking together like that, but decided he wasn't that paranoid - the chances of meeting someone they shouldn't was minuscule, and walking with someone wasn't a crime anyway. "Sure, yeah. The trail by the river?"
They cut through the shopping center parking lot and across Olentangy River Road to the trail on the other side of the highway. The noise of the city was less beside the river, and Dave found himself relaxing a little as they set a steady pace, walking companionably.
Dave glanced at Puck's profile. He seemed lost in thought. "I'm really sorry about how that went earlier. I really shouldn't have panicked like that. If that made you feel like you did something wrong...I just need you to know that you didn't."
Puck nodded. "I think I should be the one apologizing. I didn't mean for it to freak you out." He shrugged, gazing across the river. There was a family of ducks by the bank, two mallards and a raft of brown-headed females, digging for pond weed.
"I know that." Dave followed the ducks with his eyes. "It's not your fault, I just...I guess I'm really touchy about some things, like...I really want to be a decent guy, and it freaked me out that I might not be, you know?"
"Sure. I got that."
"Want to try to explain what you did mean? Or what it looked like from your side? Because I'm not sure I understand, and...it might help. For next time."
Puck hesitated, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, then laughed uneasily. "Okay. I'll try. Well - I guess when I was dating girls, I always had the feeling that I was missing... something. Not that I didn't like what we did or anything, but it was more that I didn't really understand what they wanted. I got pretty good at the physical stuff, getting them off, making it fun for them, you know? But I didn't get a whole lot out of it besides the obvious. Which, I guess, was enough when I was sixteen."
He glanced at Dave. "Then after Shelby... I just needed some time to figure things out. I didn't see anybody for almost a year. Really - I know, it just about killed me." He grinned at Dave, big and bright, and Dave had to laugh. "Me, right? But it was good for me, just to get some perspective."
They walked in silence for a few minutes, making their way along the bank of the river. "I was doing a ton of karate, all the classes here and in Columbus I could find. It was, like, my sex substitute. That's when I met Connor, in one of the black belt classes."
It was nice, walking next to Puck. He seemed calmer, maybe, more at peace, or it was just easier to see it in this environment. He was... beautiful, was what he was, and not just in the obvious way. The brightness in his eyes, and the expression on his face when he was thinking, the way the light hit him filtered through the trees. Dave wanted to hold his hand, but he was still skittish about doing that in public. It didn't feel safe, ridiculous as that was for the two of them. He settled for walking closer, so their shoulders were almost touching.
"It started when he told me he used to sing, after high school. Old school rock, Steppenwolf, Eagles, that kind of thing. The band fell together pretty quickly. It was fun." He looked intently at the ground in front of them as they walked. "It didn't even hit me how much he looked like you until he came out to me."
"What?" It fell out of his mouth, because he remembered Connor mostly as really hot, and that wasn't exactly how he thought of himself. But then he thought about it, and he could understand what Puck meant. They did share a lot of features - size, coloring - even if the overall effect wasn't quite the same. "Yeah, okay, I can sort of see that."
"Yeah." His eyes flickered to Dave's face, then back to the ground. "I never forgot that time with you, at Finn's, but - I guess I did kind of ignore it for a while. Made myself not think about it. But then... well, there he was, and I thought, what the hell."
Dave was surprised. He knew that Puck had been thinking about that, but he hadn't expected him to really connect it to this, or to Connor. "Yeah?"
Puck nodded. "We hung out together for almost a year before I went to Okinawa, but... well. He's a really nice guy, a good friend, don't get me wrong. We've got a lot in common, and we've always had a good time together. He was the perfect first boyfriend."
That did sound like the perfect boyfriend. So why weren't they still together? Maybe Connor hadn't wanted to be, but he hadn't seemed like an idiot when Dave talked to him. "So what happened?"
Puck didn't answer, but his face was red, and Dave didn't want to push him. Well, maybe he did, but he wouldn't. Eventually, Puck went on.
"Anyway. After Connor and I called it quits, it was kind of obvious that being with guys was working out for me. But meeting them... I didn't know anything about how to do that. I didn't really have anybody to talk to, except my sister, and she's good for some things, but she's eight years younger and - well. It was pretty fucking lonely."
Dave nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I was the same at first. It really sucked the first year of college, when I was trying to figure out all that shit and the only guys I was hanging out with were football players."
"Football players, huh?" Puck gave him an amused glance. "Okay, no, I won't go there. Sounds like it wasn't so good."
Dave snorted. He could almost laugh about it now, four years later. "No, let's just say that didn't work out. But...the thing is, it got better after that, but in some ways it's the same. Except I guess I have Kurt. That helps."
"I bet. I wish I'd had someone to talk to. I don't get very far when it's just me and my thoughts." He grinned at Dave and touched his hand. "I think this is the most thinking I've done about this, like, ever."
Dave took his hand and held it for a while, until it started to feel weird. He didn't know what to say, but the silence was getting loud. "So...Connor? You didn't talk to him?"
Was that too much? Should he have taken the hint not to bring that up again? But Puck just shrugged. He didn't seem like he wanted to drop Dave's hand, but it was hard to tell for sure.
"Some, I guess. He's not much of a talker, either. We do a lot of wrestling." He snorted. "Uh. That sounds bad. Sparring. Hanging out. Guy stuff, you know? Mostly I talk and he listens and teases the shit out of me."
Dave smiled. It was probably a good thing that Puck had clarified the wrestling comment. He still didn't quite know how to feel about the two of them, whatever they were, but somehow that made it better. "Sounds like he was good for you."
"Yeah. I think so. He was safe. I didn't have to worry about how things were with Connor. He helped me pick up the pieces after a couple of really bad first dates." He drew up beside a bench next to the river, overlooking the bridge. "The thing was... I finally got what all those girls were getting out of being with me. Or at least what they were looking for. What the guys wanted from me - I wanted from them, too. It wasn't just hot; it meant something. To me, anyway."
Dave leaned on the back of the bench, scraping lines in the dirt with one foot. "Yeah. I know what you mean."
Puck smiled gratefully at Dave. "Yeah? I guess it makes sense that you'd understand." He hopped up onto the back of the bench, his feet on the seat, and leaned his elbows on his knees. "I don't know. It's different, with guys. I don't know if that means I'm gay, or what. I'm not sure." He nudged Dave with his shoulder. "I just know I like you. A hell of a lot."
Dave couldn't stop himself from grinning. He didn't really know why he should, anyway. "Really."
Puck raised one of those killer eyebrows. "Yeah, really."
Dave nodded, grinning even wider. "Good." And...what the hell. He put a hand on Puck's head to hold him still while he planted a quick kiss on his mouth. Puck's astonished, flustered expression was totally worth it.
"Okay, then." Puck tugged on Dave's hand, standing up and walking backwards, the way they'd come. "I think our walk ends here, man. Let's go back to your place."
Puck had the best ideas. Dave almost jogged around the bench to catch up with him.
Their pace on the way back was a little less leisurely, and the glances they gave each other a little more suggestive, but Puck apparently had more to say. "So... that thing I was doing with you, back at the house." He hesitated, then pressed on. "It wasn't that I wanted, really, for you to... be my teacher and take advantage of me. I was just kind of figuring out what turned you on, what got you hot. That's what I do. I want it to be good for you, you know? Because I... well, I care about what you want. I want to give it to you. Whatever it is. I'm still figuring that part out."
That would be awesome, especially if Dave actually knew what he wanted and also if he didn't really care about Puck enjoying himself, but none of those things were true. "So if it wasn't what you wanted...it was just some kind of experiment, to see what happened? Because if you did want it, that would be okay too. I mean...this goes both ways."
"Well, yeah. Hot for teacher and all that. I'm not ashamed of that. But I really don't want to make you uncomfortable, either." His hazel eyes were intense, and Dave had to wonder what Puck saw when he looked at him that way. "Anything you can tell me about what you want, I'll listen, Dave. Seriously. Because otherwise I'm kind of stumbling around in the dark. I'll probably make a bunch of mistakes, like I did just now. Maybe you don't even know what you want. That's cool. I'll just keep guessing, okay?"
Dave was a little scared of how that might turn out, with Puck's imagination and enthusiasm. And also, hadn't he heard a word of what Dave just said? "Sure. I'll tell you, if you tell me."
Puck laughed, shaking his head, and led Dave back over the bridge through the shopping center parking lot. "I thought I told you, man. I like everything you do."
Dave blushed. That had seemed to be true so far, but he also thought Puck was taking the easy way out here, for someone so insistent on knowing everything about Dave. "Yeah, well, maybe. But it kind of seemed like you liked some things more."
Now Puck looked embarrassed, too. "Uh. Well. I guess I know what I want in the moment, but... it's hard for me to know what I want until I'm... there."
Puck did look like he was there, his eyes dilated, his lips parted as he stepped onto Dave's lawn. Dave moved in close, placing a hand on Puck's hip and looking him straight in the eye. "Try. Give me your best guess."
"God, Dave," muttered Puck, and glanced over Dave's shoulder at the house next door. "I think we might want to start by going inside, or I'm going to fuck you right here on the front porch."
Dave grinned. "See? Lots of ideas already. Okay, let's go. I like those neighbors." He dragged Puck through the door and into the house. Once inside, he grabbed him by the shoulders, steering him towards the stairs while bending forward to talk into his ear. "So, I think you said something about fucking me. Was that just your first choice for on the porch, or would you want to give it a try indoors?"
Puck's groan resonated through Dave's chest, and he twisted and scrambled for a hold on Dave's neck. "Yeah - yeah, I could do that, fuck, Dave."
Dave kind of liked being the one keeping it together, but he could feel himself starting to lose it a little. Still, he didn't think he was far enough gone to trip over his own feet. He barely kept himself from falling on his face, and only by pushing Puck in front of him into the wall. He heard a muffled protest from the floor. "Fucking goddamn cat."
"He's just trying to get us to connect," Puck said, grinning at Dave's scowl, and pulled Dave's hips forcefully into his. "See? He knows what you want."
Dave wasn't convinced about Pascal's intentions, but he couldn't deny that the result was okay. He would be mad at Puck instead, because did he really think Dave would fall for that cheap attempt at misdirection? "Yeah, that's great. Want me to go ask him what you want? Because that's what we were working on here, before he decided to get kicked for a good cause."
Puck's laugh was rich and definitely fell into the realm of sexy. "I'm pretty sure what I want involves me and you and no clothes, upstairs, in ten seconds." He wrestled his arms out of Dave's hold with no effort and gave him one strong push toward the stairs. "Got it?"
Dave didn't know if it was Puck being strong or competent that did it for him, or the way it implied that when Dave had Puck pinned, it was only because Puck allowed it. Because he wanted him to. "Got it." He actually ran up the stairs. The seconds were ticking.
Puck's piercing gaze followed him up the staircase. Dave almost felt like he was being herded into the corral of his own bedroom, and Puck didn't stop until he had Dave on the bed under the assault of his hands and mouth and tongue. "Arms up," he murmured into his neck, and stripped Dave's shirt over his head. "Come on."
Dave tried to help, but he was probably just making it harder. He laughed breathlessly and let his head drop back onto the bed. It seemed like Puck had gotten over not knowing what he wanted.
Puck's hands were quick, and somehow Dave's shorts were already on the floor. Puck knelt over his torso, holding him down with his body, and made Dave watch while he took off his own shirt. "Right there," said Puck. "Yeah. That's where I want you. Don't move."
Dave wasn't sure if this was Puck taking what he wanted, or if he was just doing it because Dave wanted him to, and in that case, which of them was tricking the other. He didn't even know if it mattered. He didn't think he cared. "Yeah, okay."
Dave had seen this look on Puck's face before. It was how he looked when he was completely absorbed in a math problem: serious, fierce, like at that moment nothing in the world existed except what he was focused on. And right now, he was focused on Dave.
He swept the covers off the bed and took off the rest of his clothes, every movement swift and utilitarian. Dave wasn't exactly sure how to feel about Puck having a bottle of lube in his pocket, but as he climbed back on top of Dave, he decided not to comment. Puck didn't wait for him to adjust his position; he just moved him where he wanted him to go, swinging one leg over to the side as he got in close between his thighs. He pressed Dave's shoulders flat against the bed with both hands, keeping him pinned as he kissed him breathless.
"You asked me what I wanted." His voice was low and just as intense as his eyes. He popped the top off the bottle of lube and made his hand slick, stroking himself as he knelt there, then used his fingers on Dave, first one, then two, not looking away for one moment.
Dave met his gaze as long as he could stand, until he had to close his eyes. But he didn't want to miss this, so he opened them again, turning his head to the side to get away from Puck's stare. His eyes, his fingers, in the bright daylight, seeing Dave, all of him...it was too much.
But Puck wasn't letting him get away. His hand pressed against Dave's face, making him look up at him, still gentle, but more than a suggestion.
"I want this." He leaned forward, his whole body wedged against Dave, eyes boring into him. "I want a whole lot of this, you got it? You asked, and I'm telling you. This, with you."
And that was exactly what he'd asked for, wasn't it? He couldn't back out now, not again. He couldn't do that to Puck, or to himself. Once he got over...whatever this was, it would be fine. It would be good. Dave forced himself to relax, to reach out and touch Puck's arm, to act like he felt the way he should.
"Hey. Dave." His voice changed, became softer, more concerned. "What's going on? Tell me this is okay."
And it was, because this was Puck, trying so hard to make him feel good, wanting that success so badly, and Dave was so, so naked but it was okay because he wanted Puck to know he was doing this right. Dave drew a breath. "Yeah. Yeah, it's okay, I just needed a moment. You're doing great."
He took his hand away from Dave's face, then put it back, just for a moment, tenderly stroking his cheek with three fingers, thumb lightly brushing over Dave's lips. "I don't want you to freak out again."
Dave wished his mind could get out of the way already and let this happen, because Puck deserved that and they both wanted it and there was just no good reason not to. "You're not. I'm sorry I'm making this so hard, it's just...it's not you, okay? It's never you."
Puck smiled, and it was almost worse than before, the way he was looking at him now. Taking care of him. "Dave... come on. Don't worry about it. You're so fucking worth it."
God, he hoped he was, but Puck telling him not to worry...that wasn't the way this was supposed to go, this was the second time today he'd completely derailed something awesome, and he had no idea how to fix it. And Puck kept letting Dave get away with that. That wasn't what any of them wanted, not really - and, chances were, if Puck didn't stop accepting all his shit, Puck would be the one getting hurt.
"Okay. Come on - scoot up there, up to the top - yeah, just give me a little more room." Puck waited for Dave to move, then just curled up between Dave's legs, like he was a fucking chaise lounge or something, and turned his fierce attention somewhere other than Dave's face. Dave heard his own breath shuddering in and out of his lungs, but for a few minutes, there were no words between them, and it was a little easier.
"I can't think of one damn thing I don't want with you, Dave," Puck said, pausing in his activity, one warm hand on Dave's stomach. "We'll figure this out. Just - hang in here with me."
There were things, Dave knew, that Puck didn't want, or shouldn't, anyway - and if he couldn't think of them, it might be Dave's responsibility to do that. But for right now, Dave would give him what he asked for. He focused on Puck, his hand, his mouth, the places they were touching. "Yeah, I'm here."
"You're not giving up on this." It was kind of a question, and kind of a statement, and Dave thought he might hear a note of hesitation in Puck's voice.
Dave wanted that gone. He was so done with all this uncertain fumbling emotional crap, even if most of it was coming from him. "No, I'm not."
He put one hand on Puck's head, feeling the silky softness of his hair, and Puck sighed, relaxing, letting Dave's hand take his weight. "So it's okay if I fuck up. Because we'll just try again."
That was such a Puck way to think, and so foreign to Dave that it was almost a relief. It wasn't going to make sense, he could just laugh at the absurdity and let go. "We can...yeah, okay. Why the hell not."
Puck crept back up the length of Dave's body, both hands on his chest, nudging between his legs with one knee. He was so fucking warm, his body like a glowing coal on top of Dave's, hot enough to make him gasp - and the pressure of Puck's cock against him, right there, made him hold that breath in anticipation of what was to come.
"I'm going to fuck you now," he said, and kissed him hard. In the crazy, made up world that Puck lived in, that was apparently a perfectly wonderful thing to have happen, and Dave found himself moving his hips in rhythm with Puck's, encouraging him, following his pace, then pushing ahead of him, driving him harder. He wants this, Dave told himself, his eyes rolling back into his head with each thrust. He wants you, like this, just like you do.
In this moment of abandon, Dave could feel them moving together, mirroring each other's movements. It didn't seem to matter that each motion stripped away a little more of his control, or that Puck's noises progressed steadily along the spectrum from grunts to breathy whines. Fear and self-consciousness were irrelevant in this parallel universe of Puck. Dave could say anything, do anything he wanted, and it would be okay. It was just a coincidence that he was already doing nothing more or less than that.
"Dave," panted Puck, driving him into the bed. "Dave - god, babe, you feel so fucking good - "
Under the barrage of sensory input, the sounds and smells of Puck, his body on top of him and his cock inside him, words shouldn't have had much impact on Dave. But something about Puck's desperate, incredulous tone required a response. "You too, so good... it's just right, it's exactly what I wanted."
Puck cradled Dave's head and neck in one hand, pulling his face up close enough to kiss him hungrily. His other hand gripped Dave's cock, with just the right amount of friction to take him from seventy-five to ninety-nine percent there in ten seconds. He was gasping out Puck's name, and words were coming out of his mouth, words like fuck me harder and just like that, words that would have embarrassed him desperately in any other world, but here they somehow magically didn't - and then he was coming in Puck's hand, clenching hard.
"God, so hot," Puck groaned, shaking with release. It was so exactly an image out of his fantasies that Dave just lay there and watched Puck, coming inside him, in silent disbelief.
Eventually Puck slid, boneless, to one side of the bed. Dave sensed his own gradually slowing breath move in and out of his lungs, and the aftershocks and twinges inside that always followed this particular experience. He closed his eyes, felt Puck's lips on his cheek, and heard him whisper, "So good, babe."
At some point Puck drew the covers up and folded his arms around Dave's chest, holding him snugly from behind. Dave relaxed back against him, finding their post-sex equilibrium much easier to attain than he'd expected, and murmured, "You're incredible."
"We're incredible," Puck corrected, and Dave chuckled as he slid into sleep.
Puck was sitting on his back deck in the afternoon sun when Dave came downstairs. He'd apparently put on a pot of coffee - either that, or Pascal had learned how to open the freezer and grind the beans. Dave wouldn't put it past him, but he thought it was nicer to assume Puck had made it for him.
He smiled at Dave as he slid open the back door and stepped out under the trees. "This is awesome," he said, indicating the shady deck, the canopy of dogwood trees above them. "You spend a lot of time out here? I can totally see you sitting here reading with a glass of wine."
"I do. Except it's usually coffee, not wine." It was his favorite place for quiet summer mornings, often with a crossword or Pascal on his lap, when he was up early and wanted to feel alone in the world. But it wasn't bad with Puck in it, either.
Puck patted the space on the chair beside him. "C'mere. Your collar's all fucked up."
There wasn't a whole lot of room there, not really enough for Dave to sit on, at least not comfortably. But he didn't want to refuse, either, so he carefully sat down on the edge. His arm was pushing awkwardly into Puck's space. He twisted, trying to find a better place to put it, but there wasn't one. Puck probably saw what he was doing, because he put a light hand on Dave's shoulder. He didn't say anything, or even roll his eyes, but then he didn't have to. Dave was starting to get used to him.
Puck's hands on his collar were deft and gentle. He leaned in and breathed on Dave's neck, then chuckled as he drew back, startled. "Your collar. It needs a new crease. This'll fix it, just hang on."
Dave relaxed. He didn't think anyone had ever used that technique to fix his collar before; he didn't even know that was possible. It was sweet, and so much like Puck - practical, matter of fact, and also really kind of hot. Puck's breath was warm and damp on his neck. Dave was wondering if he should let the collar be and just kiss him, as a thank you for trying, or something, when Puck spoke.
"I've got a date tomorrow. I was wondering if you might want to come along."
Dave stared at him. "What, you mean like...a date date? I mean, it's not that you can't... but why would you want me along for that?"
He laughed. "No, man - with my daughter. Beth. Remember, I told you, we go out every week for daddy date night." He pulled back and gave Dave a frankly puzzled look. "Did you think - ?"
Dave sighed. "I don't know what I thought."
"Huh." The puzzled look persisted as he stroked Dave's collar down, not really noticing what he was doing now, just touching him, and Dave couldn't bring himself to pull away. Finally he gave Dave a little smile. "Do you - Dave, you think I'm still seeing other people?"
He kept his voice steady. "I thought you might, yeah. I mean, we never said we wouldn't, and I got the idea that you'd been seeing a lot of people before. Just casually or whatever. And I didn't...I didn't really want to think about it, but I also didn't want to just assume you'd stop doing that because you were seeing me." Dave didn't think he needed to mention how much it had hurt trying to not think about it, how he'd imagined Connor reminding Puck of how easy things could be with someone more experienced and less fucked up.
Puck shook his head briefly. "No. No - I don't want to. See anybody else. I mean, I hardly was before. Like I said, my love life has been kind of a disaster these past couple years. This business about dating guys hasn't gone so well for me." He slipped one arm around Dave's waist and leaned forward, resting his head on Dave's back. "Let's say I don't seem to attract the right kind of guy."
Dave suddenly remembered exactly how he'd found out about Puck liking guys, and he thought about the kind of guy he'd been likely to meet doing that. What they'd be looking for. And now that he got the idea that Puck might not have been looking for that...it made him want to hit something, but it also made him want to wrap Puck in his arms and kiss his head, and he didn't know which was worse.
He settled for placing his hand on top of Puck's. "I'm pretty sure you could attract any guy you wanted. But I get that it's hard. Guys can be kind of...sometimes people just aren't on the same page, I guess, about what they want to have happen."
"You're telling me," Puck agreed. "I don't know what they expected, really. The casual thing was fine, but - after a while, you get sick of going through all that first date stuff over and over, you know?" Dave felt him shrug. "But - yeah. I'm kind of glad to be done with that, for now."
On the surface, that seemed like an answer to some of Dave's questions (that he wasn't willing to ask, because he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answers). But it wasn't, not really. For now could mean a lot of things. It could mean this week. Maybe more likely, until the end of the semester.
Puck leaned back and regarded him over his coffee mug. "So you want to come up tomorrow night? I know it's kind of a long drive for nothing much, but you'd be welcome to crash at my place."
He'd already opened his mouth to say yes when he remembered that Puck lived in the same house as his mother. And meeting the whole family, maybe having people talk about them, about him...he wasn't sure if he was ready for that. But with Puck holding on to him like this, having just told him he wasn't seeing other people, that he didn't even want to, that even if it was just for this week, Dave was his favorite... it felt like he might be.
"I just thought, Beth, you know... I'd like you to meet her." His arm around Dave's waist gave a little squeeze. "Introduce my daughter to my... uh, and then stay over? Or we could come back here afterwards if that's better for you."
Someday he'd like to be more than Puck's uh, but he'd leave that to think about later. "Yes. I mean, no, I'd like to stay. If you want me to."
"Dude." Puck grinned at him, his eyes full of mirth. "I totally want you to. My Ma's on double shift tonight, so she's not going to be home, but you'll have to deal with Sarah. I'm sure she'll want to grill you about your intentions. She can be kind of protective, but don't worry; she's mostly harmless."
Dave grinned back. "You sure about that? I thought you said she was like a younger, girlier you. That sounds kind of dangerous to me."
"Hey, she's only got her brown belt. You could totally take her." He leaned forward and kissed Dave's neck, right on the spot where he'd been breathing a minute ago, and Dave lost track of what he was going to say in response.
He had a feeling that Puck was somehow cheating, because this was way too effective to be fair, but he couldn't bring himself to be upset about it when it felt that good. "Mmmm. Yeah, okay. I just won't try." He twisted around to do a bit of kissing of his own.
There were flashes of thoughts through the haze of Puck's skin and breath and the scent of him and his soft lips, but they were brief and clouded and Dave didn't really stop to consider them.
Am I your boyfriend now? His hand was on Puck's head, soft hair and the delicate edge of an ear under his thumb. Do you want me to be? A little bit of smooth skin above Puck's jeans and under his shirt, flat and then not, muscles twitching a tiny bit when he touched them. Thank you for trusting me enough to meet your daughter. Puck sucking gently on his bottom lip, a firm hand on his chest. I just hope you're not making a mistake. I don't want to be your mistake. Holy shit, Puck in his lap, grabbing Dave's head and tipping it back to kiss him hard.
Dave made needy sounds into Puck's mouth, remembering distantly that they were outdoors and this was indecent, even if nobody could really see. He should probably make some sort of move to take this elsewhere, but his mouth was taken, and when he tried a more physical kind of hint, the only thing he accomplished was pushing his hips against Puck, who pushed back with an approving little noise of his own. That hadn't really been the idea at all, but Dave could see why Puck would think so, and he couldn't blame him.
He got his mouth away from Puck's, but then his neck was right there. He kissed it, open mouthed and almost sucking a little, then came to his senses again for a moment. "We should go inside."
Puck snorted. And yeah, maybe if Dave wanted to be convincing he should have said it to his face instead of groaning it into the spot where his neck became shoulder, but it wasn't that easy. He forced himself to look up into Puck's eyes. Only that didn't really help at all, because they were dark and serious and hungry and made Dave want to kiss him again, and maybe pull his shirt off. "Come on. Inside."
Puck smirked. "Make me."
That was definitely a challenge. He smiled, considering his chances. Puck was strong, but he was still a good bit smaller and lighter than Dave. A hundred and eighty, maybe. Dave was pretty sure he could handle that, even if he'd mostly been cycling and not lifting much anymore. He knew it wouldn't work if Puck struggled, but he had a point to make. "Okay. Hold on."
Dave grabbed his legs and stood up from the chair, lifting him over his shoulder, eliciting a startled squawk from Puck. "The fuck, Dave?"
Dave laughed, staggering under his flailing arms. "This is me making you come inside."
He hoped Puck would at least have enough sense to keep his hands around Dave's neck, but he only managed to walk a few steps like that before Puck started to slip and he lost his balance. They stumbled against the wall, almost knocking over a potted plant, and finally crashed to the carpet on the floor beside the stairs, both of them laughing hysterically.
"Okay - that wasn't quite the success that I'd hoped for," Dave said, flat on the floor. He thought Puck might damage something, he was shaking so hard, half collapsed on top of Dave. Dave grinned up at him, watching him wipe his eyes and clutch his ribs, and it was like a wave of adrenaline leaving, like the whistle ending a game that you know you've won. The last bit of laughter turned into a wheezy sigh as he curved a hand around Puck's back and pulled him down on top of him, resting on his chest.
"You did get me inside, though," Puck pointed out. He seemed content to be held this way. Dave somehow felt both giddy and bonelessly heavy. He grinned.
"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" He drew his hand up along Puck's back to the hairline at the nape of his neck. "Barely. You're awkward to transport. I think I miscalculated."
Puck rested his chin on his hands atop Dave's chest, inches from his face, grinning down at him. "Well, there aren't too many people in the world who can make me do anything." He gave him a soft kiss. "At least, not anything I don't want to do. But I bet you could."
Dave dropped his hand off him. "I don't even want to know. Seriously, Puck. You really need to not let me do that."
"Don't worry, man. I trust you." He patted Dave's chest and hauled himself off, stretching. "So what's on your agenda for the rest of the day? I figured you had class or something."
Dave stood up, suddenly clumsy now. "No, no class. There's some stuff that should be ready for Monday, I guess, but I have the whole weekend for that."
"Okay. Nothing tonight? Nothing to prevent me from, say, taking you out for dinner?" The grin on Puck's face added the silent words and end up in your bed afterwards. He didn't have to say them.
Dave shook his head and smiled. "No, dinner would be fine." And whatever plans you have for after, that's fine too.
Puck tugged his backpack over to Dave's chair and picked up Pascal, who was curled up sleeping. Pascal opened his eyes, but immediately started purring as Puck scratched his chest and neck. "Well - how about me and Pascal hang out here, and while you do your work, I'll see if I can figure out this homework you assigned..." Dave snorted; Puck would probably have it done in a half hour. "And I'll slog through another chapter in The Mystery of Aleph. Chances are, Pascal's a better reader than I am, so he can give me a hand when I get stuck on a word."
That sounded nice. As if he'd ever say no to Puck with Pascal on his arm, anyway - as a team, they had him wrapped around their little fingers. Claws. Whatever. "Okay. I was kind of relying on him to check my formulas, but I guess you can borrow him for a while."
Puck looked up. "I mean, if you're not already sick of me." His tone was light, but Dave knew him well enough by now to guess that the uncertainty that lurked in his eyes was real. He'd be hurt if Dave told him to go home now.
"I'm not sick of you." Dave leaned over and placed a careful, off-center kiss on his mouth. "Stay as long as you want."
Puck's smile, gazing up at him with pleasure and satisfaction, sprawled in Dave's favorite chair with his cat in his lap... it made Dave wonder if that imaginary world they'd been in a few hours ago might just be real, after all.
Dinner had been easy, for once, like they'd both agreed that they needed a break from the really hard conversations. But now it was winding down, and the mood seemed to be changing. Puck was done with his food and sat across from Dave without really looking at him, playing with his fork. Dave hurriedly swallowed down his last few bites of pasta and tried to steel himself for whatever Puck might want to talk about.
"So you know about how things were with me, with Connor." He folded his straw wrapper into a zigzag pattern. "How about you? How did things... start, in college? I mean, if you don't mind me asking."
Dave took a deep breath. He didn't know if this was a good idea, but Puck had told him so much, he guessed he owed him this. He'd just... maybe gloss over some things.
"Oh. Yeah, no, it's okay, you can ask. I just don't talk about it much, you know? Because it wasn't that great."
"Heh." Puck grinned. "You're in good company, man. Trust me."
Dave ran a hand through his hair, thinking about it, picking an angle of approach. "Okay, so...I told you about playing football? Back when I was a freshman at Michigan State? Because, after high school - after McKinley, I tried to just be a decent, regular guy, right, a jock, just...I don't know, I wanted to be Finn Hudson or something."
Puck let out a surprised laugh. "Dude. Really?"
He shook his head ruefully. "I know that's fucked up, but I just wanted to be normal. And I thought I could do what I'd done that last year, just box things up and be that guy at school and I'd go to Scandals - you ever been there?"
He knocked his ice around in his glass, smiling. "Once or twice."
"Yeah, it's the saddest gay bar ever, but it was a place to, I don't know, go and be that other guy, the gay one, and he had his own friends and he didn't really ever have to meet the football player. I thought I had it all figured out. But I didn't do much with any of the guys I met there...I mean, I didn't know how and let's face it, they were kind of...not exactly my dreams come true." He snorted, thinking about it.
"Yeah," Puck said, smirking. "I've seen the guys who go there. I think they need a hobby."
Dave rolled up his napkin and started pulling little pieces off one end. "So, I get to college and I think I'm going to keep doing that, right? I'll walk on the football team and be a regular guy and I'll find someone hot to hook up with and I'll have everything I ever needed."
"Plenty of hot guys playing football in college," Puck agreed. "So who was Mr. Right #1?"
"Jake. His name was Jake. Not football - a soccer player. And he was...just a little more out than I was, enough that I worried about the guys on the team knowing how much we were hanging out, and enough that he was pissed about that. But not really enough that he didn't have his own places that he wouldn't go with me, you know? So mostly we'd just...we'd stay in our rooms or we'd go to these two places where we both felt okay about being seen together, and we'd pretend it was just because we liked it that way."
Dave thought maybe Puck understood what he was saying, the way he was looking at him. Dave realized the shreds of his napkin were starting to pile up in front of him, and he brushed them out of the way irritably. "So, Jake, he was was your first boyfriend?"
"No. We weren't boyfriends, or, I mean, I guess maybe we were but we never called each other that? We spent a lot of time together, and we had sex, but we never really talked about anything. He never even knew he was the first."
Puck leaned forward across the table and took Dave's hand, holding it lightly, like Dave could take it back any time. "That sounds like it kind of sucked, man."
"Yeah, it kind of did. Anyway, he got...I don't know what was going on with him, really, and I never found out, because that was around the time that I decided I'd had enough, and I quit the football team and started taking harder math classes and we sort of just stopped doing things. There wasn't really a breakup, because, you know, not boyfriends." Dave shook his head. He'd been such an idiot.
"And you never talk to him anymore?" Puck squeezed his hand. "You should send him an email."
"Maybe." He shrugged. "Some things are better left in the past."
"No, I mean..." Puck sipped his water and crunched an ice cube between his teeth. "I'm just thinking about us, you and me, how things were back then, and... it could have been so much better if I'd just tried to tell you how I felt. Just think about all the crap we could have avoided."
Dave looked at him "You mean back in eighth grade? I don't think I was ready for a relationship, man."
"Maybe not back then. But, fuck, Dave, I got stuck in some confusing places after high school. Even if I'd just had you to talk to, it would have helped." He shook his head. "I don't know."
"Yeah. Maybe if I'd had you to talk to about Jake, it wouldn't have been such a mess." He sighed. "Or maybe it would. I don't think we were exactly meant for each other."
Puck laughed. "I'm not saying you want to get back together with him or anything. But you're a good guy, Dave. It would mean something, coming from you, for him to know how you're doing, how things were for you then, and how things are now. You know?"
Dave looked down at the edge of the table. "I think you overestimate how much he'd care."
"Maybe. I guess I'm lucky, being friends with Connor. At least he can see how happy I am, now that I - uh." He glanced away for a minute, then back at Dave, a small smile on his lips. "Well, let's just say I've been talking about you for - a long time. When I told him you were my math professor, I thought he would never shut up."
"Really?" It was a little hard to believe that Puck had still been talking about him, years after the last time they'd met. Or at least the last time Puck knew about.
"Yeah, man," he insisted. "Really. It's kind of amazing to have you sitting there across the table from me. What I mean is, he cares about how I'm doing, even though we're not together. And Jake, I bet he'd feel the same way, now that he's a little older and hopefully a little fucking wiser." He shrugged. "I would, anyway, if I'd been some guy's first."
"I wouldn't know."
"Uh, yeah, you would," Puck said, nudging his hand, with a pointed eyebrow.
"Right." He hadn't even thought about that as being anything like the same thing, but he guessed it sort of was. Except that part where his and Puck's relationship wasn't in the past. He didn't even know if it was in the present. "That was... I mean, I really hope that was a lot different. Not that, you know, he wasn't a bad guy, but we were young. I'd like to think I did better with you."
Puck's smile turned embarrassed, but it didn't go away. "Okay. Yeah, you did. I know not everybody gets that."
Dave looked down at their hands, still linked together, and pulled a little half smile. "Doesn't mean you shouldn't."
"Hell, every guy should get to have you for his first boyfriend." Now his grin looked smug. "Too bad I got there first."
That sounded a lot like Puck might be thinking about himself as Dave's boyfriend, but he hadn't actually said it. It was just kind of hanging there like something implied, likely, but not quite proved. Dave felt his face heating up. "Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself, depriving the world of awesome boyfriend material like that." He looked away.
"Nope." Puck chuckled. "All those other guys can just fuck off. You're mine."
Dave swallowed. Was that it? Did he have a boyfriend now? He probably ought to say something, confirm that yes, he was totally okay with being Puck's anything that Puck wanted him to be. He nodded weakly, feeling completely dazed by this whole endless insane day.
Puck disappeared from the table for a minute or two while Dave was lost in his thoughts. When he returned, he paused beside him and placed a casual hand on Dave's back. "You all right? You look a little pale. Something you ate?"
Dave shook his head and focused on Puck's bright, clear eyes. "Oh. No, I'm fine." My heart just decided to jump ship and take its chances with you.
"Glad to hear it." Puck's smile connected with a location, deep inside Dave's sternum, and made it quiver. "I'd hate to discover I bought you dinner and it made you sick."
He knew it was his turn to buy dinner, but he couldn't even find the energy to really protest. Shit, if this was how the boyfriends thing was going to be, he was fucked. And what was worse, right now, he liked it that way.
