Chapter 2
They made it to the turbo lift shaft and climbed the ladder until they reached the Jeffries tube under where the lift itself was currently parked. They slid inside and repeated this process until they had climbed to Deck 5. From there, they were safe. No one else was around at this hour. They darted from the access port through the doors of Jim's cabin with Jim hastily using his voice activation code. Once inside, Jim ordered the doors locked by voice command and used the com to order his personal guards to the outside of the cabin door.
Terran Spock was slightly disheveled from all the crawling and climbing. His hair was gently mussed and his sash was askew.
Jim was struck full force by how physically attractive the fully Terran Spock was. He shoved that away before he did something to embarrass himself, but he couldn't unsee Terran Spock's handsomeness now that he'd noticed. "Well? What have you got to say for yourself? I suppose this is your chance to speak for yourself while you're free from your Vulcan part."
Terran Spock was silent, gazing at him with soulful eyes and standing at parade rest, shoulders straight. This part of Spock still carried his own kind of dignity.
Jim realized after a few moments what Terran Spock was doing. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, barely. "I order you to speak freely."
"Captain, I am not above the regulations. Will you please administer the standard interval of punishment for disobeying your order to return to the ship with you?" Terran Spock removed the Agonizer from his belt and held it out with both hands.
Jim stared for a split second, and then well and truly lost his temper, which was a vanishingly rare occurrence. The boredom of the mission, the bleakness of the planet, the sense that he could be doing so many possible better things, Fisher's injury, and Spock's current condition had already been weighing on him for the entire laborious journey back to his cabin. Spock genuinely asking to be Agonized over something that was outside of anyone's control was one thing too many.
He grabbed the Agonizer out of Terran Spock's hands, threw it on the floor, and stomped on it until it broke. It crunched satisfyingly under his boot heel. He removed his foot, looked at his handiwork, and then looked at Spock, feeling much calmer. "There. Does that answer your question?"
Terran Spock watched him with an awestruck expression, shoulders slumping, parade rest forgotten. "Captain…destroying an Agonizer is a punishable offense. That is a required piece of equipment for every officer under your…"
Jim was sure that Terran Spock stopped speaking because of the viciousness of his expression. "Who, may I ask, are you going to report me to?"
"No one, Captain." Terran Spock's mouth literally hung open slightly, as if the idea of reporting Jim was so out of the question that he couldn't believe Jim had asked. "You are the Captain, Captain. I would report it to you. But since you are the one who committed the offense…and you surely know what you have done…"
Jim hated how much like a kicked puppy this side of Spock was. He crossed the distance between them and grabbed two handfuls of Spock's science blue tunic. "Sit down and relax. Since you're human for the moment, have a drink. Take the edge off." He physically backed Spock into a comfortable chair in the lounge area, pressed on him to make him sit down, and personally served him a drink of Saurian brandy.
Spock's fingers closed around the glass stiffly. He stared into Jim's eyes, seeming either bewildered or petrified. "Captain…will you join me?"
Jim smiled tightly. "I think I will." He poured himself a glass and sat down in the chair diagonally beside Spock's, close by, sharing the same round table between them. Then he raised his glass pointedly. "Let's share a drink. This is the only time this is going to happen, isn't it? Once you're in one piece, you're just going to refuse again. Let's make the most of it."
Spock shakily raised his glass, his hand trembling, and then lifted it to his lips when Jim did the same with his own glass. The first sip left Spock coughing. He hastily set the drink down on the table and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, unable to stop coughing for a few moments. "That burns. It never burned before."
"I didn't know that," Jim said lightly, sipping his brandy. "I didn't know you couldn't feel the burn before. That's what alcohol feels like to humans."
"Then why do you drink it?" Spock asked.
Jim smiled. "Because after it stops burning, it spreads a warm feeling around. Drink up. Wait for it. It's medicinal."
Spock lifted his glass to his lips again and winced as he took another sip, and then another. At least he wasn't coughing anymore. Then a very human flush rose to his face. "Captain…"
"Jim," he corrected.
Spock sighed and slumped back in his chair, setting down his empty glass. "Jim…it is warm." He closed his eyes. "I feel strange."
"I suppose it is a lot of alcohol for someone who's never been able to feel it before," Jim conceded.
Spock sat up a little straighter and opened his eyes. There was no filter between Jim and his innermost emotions. His gaze burned with longing and pain. "I wish I didn't have to recombine with that heartless, stuck up, proud, perverse being who came out of me."
"You won't feel that way for long," Jim said quietly. He didn't hide his concern.
"I consider this an exorcism."
"You need him back."
"Why?"
"Because he's part of you." Because I love both of you. Jim sipped his drink, finishing it, and set the glass aside on the table between them. "Because being this way, being two species, and neither, in your own unique self, makes you special." You are special to me.
"Together we're an experiment," Spock said bitterly. "You heard it. He told you so himself. He probably even approves. You know how Vulcans are. He would kill me without a second thought if there was something scientific to gain."
"That would be illogical, since he would be killing part of himself," Jim said.
"He wants to. I don't think he intends to take me back."
"That would be a problem."
"Count on him to be calculating right now how to fight you."
Jim nodded, taking the advice seriously. "You should know, I suppose. You've lived with him all this time."
"Not with him, under him." Spock was bitter, enraged, and the alcohol seemed to have loosened his tongue. "Under his thumb, always and forever, listening to his echo of all the insults thrown at us by the derisive Vulcans who saw the folly of mixing Terran and Vulcan DNA as the ultimate insult to the Vulcan race. The scientists who created us expected glory and were ridiculed. I was a peace treaty in living form. A curiosity more suited for filing away as an exhibit in a scientific institute."
"You're not an exhibit, you're a man," Jim said quickly.
Spock's gaze fell, and he nodded.
Jim stood, stepped over to him, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "No, I'm being sincere. I said what I said because I mean it."
"All I wanted was a normal life," Spock murmured. "To be normal. Like the other children. Like you. Like everyone we meet. No one else was a government experiment."
Jim wanted to kiss him. But he was terrified of crushing this all-too-vulnerable Spock, who obviously idolized him, trusted him, respected his authority as Captain too much. This Spock would kiss him back, would do anything he asked, just because he asked it. He couldn't take advantage of that. That would be rape. And then both parts of Spock would have to live with the humiliation forever. "You won your citizenship, remember? You're a Terran citizen. Nothing else matters now. I'm sorry the Vulcans wouldn't grant it to you, but you appealed to the Empire, and the Terrans did. You fought for your right to be a person. You are a person. You always were. And you're one of my favorite people."
Spock took a deep, labored breath. "I'm weak. He's right." He swallowed, hard.
"No, you're not," Jim said emphatically. God, I want to hold him and not let go.
"Yes, I am." Suddenly he stood. "There is something wrong. Captain, call Dr. –" He paled and lost his balance somehow.
Jim caught him, only to discover he'd fainted. "Damn it, I'm an idiot." He laid Spock down gently in the chair and used his communicator. "Bones. Come in." He knew Bones would realize it was a personal emergency, not a hush-hush official emergency, because he actually called him 'Bones' over the communicator.
Bones picked up. "Jim. I'm here."
"My cabin. Now. Bring equipment you'd need for an annual checkup and medicine for someone who's fainted but you don't know why. Think of the possibilities and pack it."
"On my way. McCoy out."
Jim shut the communicator and took Spock's pulse. He wasn't a doctor, but the pulse was weak and a little unsteady, and he knew that wasn't good.
When Bones arrived, Jim opened the door and locked it again as soon as Bones was through. Bones saw Spock passed out in the chair. "What the hell is this?" His voice was thin and rough. "I just saw Spock. So who is this?"
"I should have called you as soon as it happened, but I thought we could get through this without any mishaps," Jim said. "Scotty's taking longer than I thought. This is the Terran half of Spock. The transporter got a little obsessive compulsive and sorted him out into two bodies. Naturally, we can't have two Spocks running around. So I brought this one here. He's a little more distracting than the other half." He forced a smile.
Bones rushed in and scanned Spock with a tricorder, then jabbed Spock in the neck with a hypospray.
With a groan, Spock came around, his eyelids fluttering before he finally opened his eyes. "Doctor." He sounded sleepy. It was disconcerting. His open relief at Bones was also unsettling. He actually smiled.
Bones stood frozen, apparently arrested by the look on Spock's face. "Spock?"
"I'm…not going to survive this, am I? I need to be recombined with my Vulcan…I suspect he comprises more than a half," Spock mumbled.
"You've got a heart murmur, and your pulse was thrown out of time." Bones gave Jim a scalding look of censure. "Probably by drinking alcohol. I can guess whose idea that was."
"I didn't know it would hurt him," Jim protested.
"I accepted the drink," Spock said, sitting up slowly. "The Captain did nothing to force me."
"Not too quickly," Bones said, putting a hand on Spock's shoulder. "I gave you something to even out your heartbeat and bring you around, but that doesn't mean I want you getting up. You need to be resting."
Spock slumped. "I understand. My only goal is survival long enough to be reintegrated."
"I noticed the broken Agonizer on the floor," Bones said wryly. "What's the story there?"
"Not now," Jim said. "Spock, how do you feel?"
A flicker of a smile crossed Spock's face, and he looked at Jim with open affection and soft awe. "Happy that you called me Spock, Captain. Because I know that my other self never will. He'll continue saying I'm not part of him. To him, I'm nothing more than contamination. An impurity, like the yellow ore down on the planet's surface that caused the limestone to collapse."
"It's Jim," he said softly.
Bones looked from Jim to Spock and back to Jim. "Whatever you do with the rest of your time before Scotty calls and says he's ready to recombine them, it's going to have to be G-rated. I'm staying to make sure my patient here doesn't faint again, or worse."
Jim flushed and gave Bones a reproachful glare.
Spock looked confused. "G-rated, Doctor?"
"It's a reference to an old holovid rating system on Terra," Bones said. "They used to rate holovids for content and screen it by age group. I asked Jim not to do anything he wouldn't do in front of children." He gave them both an infuriatingly insolent smile.
Jim was relieved that Spock didn't seem any more enlightened by the explanation.
After a moment, Spock studied Bones with regret. "I apologize for pulling you away from your duties, Doctor. If I had heeded Jim's request to return from the surface of Alfa-177 at the same time as the others, this would not have happened. As well, it was my choice to imbibe. I foolishly thought there would be no consequences for experiencing alcohol as a Terran."
Bones met Spock's gaze with confusion and concern. "You really aren't yourself, are you?"
"That fully Vulcan me doesn't think so, either," Spock said. He closed his eyes a moment, tired lines appearing on his face. When he opened his eyes, they were full of deep sadness. "Doctor, I am sorry for my behavior when I am combined. I wish I could express gratitude…friendship…so many other things. He won't let me. He would never allow it. He sees emotions as weakness…as shameful…He is ashamed of me." His gaze dropped. "He…hates me. I'm a reminder that he is impure. This is his greatest fantasy: to be rid of me. I would daresay he is happy for the first time in his life to be expunged of me. And I mean that as an insult, given that he would disavow the value of happiness."
"Stress worsens the heart murmur," Bones said. "Try not to think about it. You'll be in one piece soon enough, and then this will all seem like a bad dream."
"A bad dream?" Spock shook his head. "A beautiful nightmare, Doctor. I am dying, but I am free. Please…remember I am still here. Remember that I still exist, deep inside of him. I carry with me all of the feelings he refuses to feel. All of the things he refuses to say. And I want to say, before it is too late to do so, that you are a dear friend who has never once made me feel like an experiment." He held out his hand.
After a moment's hesitation, Bones held out his hand in return. "You're not an experiment. You're my friend."
Spock shook it. "What I can do with human hands that I cannot do with Vulcan ones without crossing a personal line and hearing your thoughts and feeling your feelings. I want to shake your hand at least once before I am absorbed." He let go and motioned for Jim.
Jim grabbed Spock's hand and shook it firmly. "It's an honor serving with you. It's not an honor to serve the Empire, but it's an honor to serve with you. There is honor in this. Remember that."
Spock shook his hand and clung to it, squeezing. "I will remember this for the rest of my life, Captain Kirk."
"It's Jim. Please…try to remember that when you're combined again. Try to hang on to this feeling."
"It won't be difficult," Spock said, looking into his eyes deeply.
Finally, they let go of each other's hands.
"Should I leave after all?" Bones grumbled.
Jim glanced at him. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do, but that's a discussion for a different day."
"I would like to know what you are talking about, Doctor," Spock said. "Why would it be necessary for you to leave?"
Bones stared at him, then finally said, "My god, you're naïve in this form. The other you would know. And say something appropriately cutting."
Spock slumped further in the chair and closed his eyes. "I am too tired to think of much of anything, nor do I understand why I would say something cutting to the person who is keeping me alive. That would seem suicidal."
"At least that's a remark sort of like yourself," Bones said.
Jim was concerned. "You're feeling weaker, aren't you?"
"Measurably."
Bones scanned Spock with a tricorder again, muttered to himself, fished through his medical bag, and stuck Spock with a different hypospray. "I'm doing what I can, but Scotty better hurry up."
"My other self always did say I would not be able to survive on my own," Spock murmured.
"Yet you seem strangely more like you than the other you," Jim said. "Explain that."
Spock swallowed. "I cannot."
Jim dispensed with all pretenses. The cabin was private. The only other person here was Bones, and Bones had just made it clear that Jim's feelings were obvious. He knelt by Spock's chair and held his hand. "I talk about profit a lot, but it's not about profit with you. I don't care what it costs me. I'm keeping you alive. Do you understand me? I'm not losing you."
"You…feel sentimental." Spock's voice was steady and low. He didn't open his eyes.
"Do you hate me for it?"
"No." Spock breathed deeply and opened his eyes. "Jim…It is not about profit when I remain loyal to you. I also…feel…sentimental." Even without his Vulcan half here, it was still so painful for him to share that he nearly didn't. Jim could tell that was where the hesitation came from. "He'll deny it."
"He doesn't feel it, you do," Jim said. "You're the better part of him."
"You are Terran," Spock said simply, smiling. "You would feel that way."
"Right now, you're Terran, too. You can't deny that you feel like the better part of him," Jim said.
"He needs me, even if he won't admit it," Spock whispered.
