Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.
A/N- Huge sigh of relief. Boy, am I glad that's over-you'll see what I mean. I hope I did them justice-this turns out to be a difficult chapter to post right now, and poor timing, but if I don't do it now, I'm not sure I ever will.
My world is a brighter place because of C Me Smile- thank you, for everything-you truly are my muse, full of inspiration, laughter and Jasper love.
To my inspiration-bb, thank you for everything…always
To those that have read, thank you! I appreciate it very much.
"**~~**"
Holding You
Location-Forks, Wa (Betrayal)
"**~~**"
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king?"-Garth Brooks
"**~~**"
A few weeks later, I stood, once again, in the Cullen's family room waiting for Alice and Bella to descend the stairs. I was antsy in my tuxedo, although after six fittings and many hours of Alice holding up swatches of vibrant silks to see which one 'highlighted my eyes and matched her dress' more, I would have thought I would be used to it by now.
It was the damn bright pink tie. After the green tights incident at Halloween, I had caved within minutes of Alice suggesting the unusual pink color that matched a ribbon around her dress. I figured it was the least I could do, after all she had done for me.
Besides, I was comfortable with my manhood.
I shifted anxiously, adjusting my jacket again.
Why was I so fucking nervous?
"Nervous, Jazz?" Edward asked as he sauntered in from the kitchen looking like he just stepped out of a Prom issue of those girly magazines Alice was always poring over while taking notes.
Like mine, Edward's tux was pure black, but, unlike me, he was lucky enough not be questioning his sexuality by sporting a deep burgundy tie to match Bella's dress. His perfectly messy hair had been recently cut, Bella insisting he cut it before agreeing to be his date for the night.
For some reason, I had wanted to cancel his hair appointment.
I didn't notice a difference in its length tonight but, unlike mine, still damp from my shower; he had obviously put some sort of effort into styling his - which made me incredibly curious.
"No, I just can't get comfortable in this damn tux."
Edward plopped down into the chair. His long legs stretched out before him as he reached up and adjusted his tie. "Yes, well let's...ah, how should I phrase this?" he hesitated briefly, considering what to say next. "Make sure it stays on."
Confused, I glace down at him, to his raised eyebrows.
Oh. Oh.
That.
I hadn't told Edward that his sister was no longer a virgin, or even worse, she wasn't a virgin because of me. Not really information I wanted to share, especially with him. However, I was pretty sure that Alice had confided in Bella, perhaps not in great detail, but enough for Bella to know that Alice and I were sleeping together.
Not that either of us ever really slept, of course.
But, to be honest, we weren't exactly fucking like bunnies either.
In fact, since our night alone four weeks ago, we had only made love four more times. Once in Alice's bedroom, while her family was downstairs cleaning up after dinner, she pulled me upstairs, giggling as she took the steps two-by-two. Before her door even clicked closed, my jeans were to my knees, a condom on my dick, my shirt off, and hers was pulled up to expose her breasts as her little legs wrapped around me. I had never been more thankful for skirts than I was then, urgent to have my cock buried in her. I pushed her skirt up, and pulled her panties aside before thrusting deeply into her. I was so fucking horny from her teasing me under the dinner table, that only a few minutes later, I felt the tightening begin in my balls.
Bracing one arm against the wall, I growled "Hold on to me, baby."
Doing as I asked, her legs gripped me tighter and her arms laced around me, clasping behind my neck. I grunted as a slight change in angles allowed me more access to her depths. Completely surrounded by her, I let one hand slide between us, roughly rubbing her clit. Apparently, she was as worked up over her teasing at dinner as I was, because after a few strokes, I muffled her cries with a kiss. Mine followed two thrusts later, feeling her pulse around me driving me over the edge. I grunted into her neck, cumming deeply in her.
While I was still inside her, catching our frenzied breaths, we heard footsteps, undoubtedly Edward's, in the hall, pausing briefly outside Alice's door. Our eyes widened, hearts still racing from the sex, as we waited for the steps continue; sighing in great relief when they did.
There was no more sex at Alice's when the family was home.
I didn't mind living on the edge sometimes, but that was too close a call for me. We had kept our three other times outside the Cullen boundary lines, once at the meadow one unusually warm spring day, once in my room after school while my mom was out, and once in the back seat of Edward's Volvo during lunch at school.
If he only knew why I smiled every time I climbed into his car after that.
Hell, there were old married couples getting it on more than once a week, but our times and locations were limited. We had to make do with what we had.
Most of our alone time consisted of safely cuddling, kissing and whispering.
Whispers of a future together, graduation, college…marriage.
These moments with Alice were precious to me. Wrapped up in my arms, her normally overexcited manner was calmed. She would talk quietly, often even speaking in hushed murmurs for only my ears. She would snuggle against my chest, her face beaming up at me as she spoke of college possibilities and wedding dresses.
I couldn't darken the light in her eyes as she spoke so enthusiastically about our future. A future I wanted, but didn't know if I could promise…to anyone.
The girls' laughter caught our attention, Edward and I both turning to see Alice and Bella reach the bottom of the stairs. We were both a bit speechless at the two beautiful visions standing before us. Bella dressed in floor-length deep burgundy fitted dress with thin straps over her cream shoulders, her hair in some up-do thing with curled pieces around her face. Not that she needed it, but she had some make-up on, some pink stuff on her cheeks and her eyes were outlined in dark brown, her lashes thicker than normal with mascara, and a slight shiny gloss on her lips.
I couldn't stop staring.
Edward recovered from his speech loss quicker than me, standing, he walked over to Bella, kissing her cheek, and told her she looked beautiful.
She thanked him, but looked at me.
Just as I was about to say something, Alice was suddenly directly in front of me, a bright smile on her face as she reached up to kiss me. Dressed in a white full-length gown with that damn bright pink ribbon around her waist, she looked angelic, even if I knew she was anything but.
"You look beautiful, darlin'," I complimented, taking her small hand in mine.
"And you look very handsome," she said as she wiped the remnants of her lipstick off my lips with her thumbs. "The tie," she smiled, tugging on it, "I knew it was the perfect color choice."
"Of course it is, baby, did you ever doubt yourself?" As if she would. I hugged her quickly before moving to Bella. "Bella, you look great, really great." I kissed her cheek, careful not to mess her make-up.
Esme walked into the room, "Time for pictures," she announced, waiving the camera, earning her an unison groan, but no argument, from the four of us, as we lined up in front of brick fireplace, all of our arms around each other. After several more formal poses, Esme let us play around, giving her some silly faces and positions.
Years later, one of those very same pictures would sit on my desk, a gentle daily reminder of that night-the joy and beauty of it.
After a few dozen pictures, Edward answered our prayers when he told his mom it was time to go. We headed out the door to the black limo waiting for us. Climbing in, I slid next to Alice, taking her hand in my lap, while Edward and Bella sat opposite us. I smiled at Bella, hoping to get one in return, but instead I received a slight frown.
Not only did Bella seem off that night, but Edward did as well. He had barely spoken to me since I had arrived at his house a few hours earlier to be appropriately coiffed by Alice, and now in the limo he sat silently staring out the window. I caught his eyes in his bright reflection in the glass, tossing him an encouraging smile. The sides of his lips barely turned up, and his gaze quickly slid away.
I sighed and turned back to Alice, squeezing her hand, hoping her brother's mood hadn't rubbed off on her.
Now Edward and I had our easily silences, where we could be in the same room for hours and barely speak, not really needing any words. But this was different, he seemed…almost pissed. But at what, or who, I had no clue.
I suspected it had something to do with what he assumed my plans involving his sister were after the Prom.
He had no reason to worry, Alice and I had already decided we were just going home at the end of the night, but if I informed Edward of this, he would no doubt suspect why I was telling him to begin with. I would just live with his mood for the night, knowing when I was dropped off at my house later, he would rest easy once again.
Edward's hand rested on his thigh and I watched Bella slide her hand under his, clasping it tightly. He turned to her, gracing her with a full smile, bringing her hand to his lips, he placed a soft kiss on it.
Well, at least his bad mood wasn't directed at her.
Now I just wondered…what the fuck did I do to piss him off?
"**~~**"
It appeared as though the ballroom at the hotel had been decorated by a hundred Alices -balloons, streamers, flowers, twinkle lights - all combined to make the most romantic setting of a paradise at twilight.
Immediately after finding our table, Alice grabbed my hand, pulling me to the dance floor, Edward and Bella right behind us.
I wrapped Alice in my arms, holding her tightly to me, her cheek on my chest next to our hands, my other resting on her lower back, stroking her slowly. Resting my chin on her head, I closed my eyes, and lost myself in the dance, her body heat, and the pleasure of having her tiny frame pressed against me. I felt her sigh, and I opened my eyes, finding Bella's soulful brown ones locked with a fixed stare on me.
She was in Edward's arms, but her eyes never left mine.
Her hands resting on his shoulders, her cheek snug against his, and when he turned his head a bit, whispering in her ear, she gave a faint smile. They seemed so comfortable together; I quickly shook off the intense pang in my chest.
It was Edward for Christ's sake.
While she swayed back and forth with Edward and I loosened my grip on Alice, we continued to hold each others' gazes for the rest of the dance.
I had never felt anything so intense, so intimate.
Making love with Alice didn't compare to those few precious moments under the weight of Bella's stare.
I felt like she was searching for something, digging deep into my soul, pulling out my heart, caressing it in her soft hands, and gracing it with a kiss before placing it gently back into my chest with a new wound intact.
Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't look away from her.
I swear I saw a small flash of regret, or perhaps longing, pass over her face right as the last beats of the song faded out. Edward pulled away from her, effectively breaking our trance, and taking her hand in his, he led her back to our table, keeping her tight to his side.
I am not sure I ever remember him being quite so possessive of her before; almost like he felt if he let her go, she would disappear.
A few songs and some punch later, we all sat at our table, Alice entertaining us by critiquing everyone's fashions, their choice of style and color. Typical of our friendship, we sat alone for the night, but briefly socialized with Angela, Ben, Jessica and Mike. While I had never quite forgiven Newton for his actions my first day at school, I had learned to at least tolerate him, for Bella's sake. Newton and I crossed the same paths in a daily basis, and I didn't want to jeopardize anything with Bella working for his parents.
Edward was leaning back in his seat, his long pale fingers twisting a straw through them deftly before flipping it over and going in the other direction. With lips pursed, brows drawn, skin more pale than usual, he fabricated any slight happiness for Alice's sake, but I knew better. I was used to the façade, as well as digging under it, looking through those small cracks to find the real emotion behind the shiny outside veneer.
Bella leaned over and whispered in his ear, he nodded and she rested her head on his shoulder. At her movement, he glanced up to me.
That veneer was momentarily tarnished, and one of those cracks betrayed his outer shell when a clear flash of distress crossed his features for an instant.
"I mean, seriously," Alice began. "Did she not wear her glasses that day or something, because that is totally not her color." I chuckled, not really having the slightest clue about what colors looked good on who, but Alice's fashion-passion rants were always entertaining.
And with that, Edward stood up, holding out his hand. "Come on, Alice, let's show them how the Cullens put in an appearance."
As they made their way to the floor, I chanced a glance at Bella and stood, offering my hand. "Miss Bella, will you do me the honor of this dance?" When she hesitated, I insisted, "Don't give me that 'I'm a klutz' stuff, Bella. You danced with Edward, now it's my turn."
Her lips parted a bit, before she nodded quickly, placing her hand in mine. I led her to the middle of the dancing couples, where I spun around, taking her in my arms much as I had done with Alice. One hand low on her back, the other held hers painfully tight over my suddenly racing heart. Unlike Alice, Bella did not lay her head on my chest, but instead leaned back a bit, looking up me, while Etta's James's crooned "At Last" to us.
"Alice is right, Jasper, you look incredibly handsome tonight," she smiled as the flush crept up my cheeks, warming them. I gave her my best 'aw shucks ma'am' look and spoke from my heart, wanting to return her sweet words.
"Bella, you look…" I found myself pausing, because then, looking at her before me in my arms, I was suddenly at a loss for the right words. "Never a more radiant vision," I whispered, slightly smiling, "truly dazzling."
Inhaling deeply, her fresh scent engulfed me, bathing me in scent of a cool spring night. I slid my hand up her back, over the satiny material to the nape of her neck. Curious by the trembling I felt, not sure if it was her or me, I let my thumb rub the warm tender skin there. When I felt the goose bumps, I furrowed my brows.
"Are you cold?" I asked worriedly, pulling her to me a bit tighter. Staring at me with clear, honest eyes, she only shook her head. "You're shivering," I murmured.
"It's not because I'm cold, Jasper." Even her voice had a slight tremor in it.
I could only nod, afraid that speaking would reveal the same tremor in my voice as well.
I knew exactly how she felt.
As we gently swayed back and forth, making small circles on the dance floor, I let my finger twist those curled wisps of hair, the shiny, silky ribbons gliding through my touch. Our eyes never wavered as we continued like that for the remainder of the song, and would have gone longer if Edward had not come over to cut in. When I handed Bella's hand to him, she kissed my cheek.
"Thank you for the dance, Jasper," she softly whispered in my ear. There was a sadness in her voice that pierced me, I desperately wanted to know why it was there, and then I wanted to make it go away.
Had I put it there?
I stopped, wanting to turn and ask, but she was already back in Edward's arms as he guided them around the dance floor.
"Come on, Jazz," Alice tugged on my hand, heading back to our table.
We managed to enjoy ourselves for the rest of the night, occasionally laughing at each other's expense, mostly mine as my bright pink tie was a continuous running joke.
The Prom ended with the four of us in the limo dropped off at our respective houses, mine first.
As I stood on my porch watching the limo's taillights disappear down the street, my heart ached a bit. And I realized as I turned to head inside that it wasn't because I didn't get laid, but for something other reason entirely.
Now, what the fuck was I going to do about it.
"**~~**"
The rest of the school year went by quickly for all of us. Between working, classes and studying for finals, Edward, Bella and I saw little of each other. My time with Alice was also limited as I usually opted to spend my free time with Edward.
Early in June that summer, the Cullens had decided to install a pool which was used practically daily by at least one of the four of us. As the middle of June approached, Bella, Edward and I could be found hovering on the edge of the pool, lounging on the long cushioned chairs or at the shaded table with books, papers, and laptops spread before us as we crammed for chemistry, biology, history or algebra. We had a nice system going, for each two hours of constant studying; we relaxed in the pool for half an hour.
One of these times, Alice chose to 'relax me' on her knees in the guest bathroom. I was able to concentrate much better after that.
I admit, having Alice and Bella continuously around dressed in nothing more than bathing suits and towels was a nice distraction. As much effort as I put into it, I failed miserably in not looking at the curves of their bodies. Bella's previously small breasts had developed and she filled out the top of her bikini quite nicely. She and I were often found lying in the sun, warming ourselves under the golden rays while Edward and Alice cowered under the umbrella, Alice spurting out warnings about UVBs while adjusting the wide-brimmed hat on her head.
Even Newton had joined us one study session. I tried to ignore the leers I saw him throwing Bella's way, reminding myself she could take care of herself, but that didn't do much to lessen the desire I had to beat the shit out of him.
I wasn't sure what disturbed me more, the looks he gave her, or the ones she returned to him.
I barely suppressed a growl when Bella informed Edward and I the next day that Newton has asked her out and she had accepted. I glanced over at Edward, assuming he would be as angry as I was, but once again, he surprised me, smiling at Bella, wishing her to have fun on her date.
What the fuck.
After Bella had left for the night, the sun was still bright as Edward and I floated on florescent pink rafts, no doubt chosen by Alice, in the tepid pool water. My hand dangled off the side of the floatie while Edward and I lazily circled around the pool.
"I can't believe you're okay with this?" I began, unable to resist finding out how he really felt about Bella and Mike's upcoming date.
He turned his head, staring at me through his dark sunglasses, with a raised eyebrow. I sighed. Had he forgotten so soon?
"The date?" I reminded him.
"Oh, that," he shrugged. "She's a big girl, Jazz. She can make up her own decisions."
"But it's Newton," I growled. Even though he turned away, I could see a trace of a smile on his face.
"Jealous?"
"Pfft, as if. Come on, Edward. Newton? Hardly someone to be jealous over." I scoffed at his suggestion.
"Whatever you say, Jasper."
I sighed again, disgruntled by the fact that he wasn't the least bit concerned. When he spoke again, this voice was hushed.
"If anyone should be jealous, it should be me," he stated simply.
Perhaps he hoped I hadn't heard, or perhaps he wanted me to hear. Either way, my curiosity was peaked.
"Why's that?" Of course, I took the bait. There was a long pause before he continued, I could see the conflict on his face, debating on telling me or not.
"Here's the deal, Jasper. I'm going to tell you something, and it must remain between you and me. Understood? No one, not even Bella, can know."
Then I got nervous. Neither Edward nor I ever kept secrets from Bella. The only thing I never told either of them were details of my sexual relationship with Alice.
Oh my God.
Suddenly, thoughts, all of them bad, began swirling in my head.
"Edward, what are you trying to tell me?" I turned toward him, facing him, and sat up, my legs straddling the rubber raft. Imitating my motion, he sat up as well, his black swim trunks stretching over his legs.
"Well, you're probably not going to like this, but…in fact, you're definitely not…" he stopped, clearly a bit nervous. He ran a hand through his hair, and bit his lip. This was not my calm, collected Edward.
And it scared the shit out of me.
"Tell me, Edward." I demanded.
"The night of the Prom, Bella and I slept together," he blurted.
Was that it? Fuck, we had sleep together before, usually while watching a movie in Edward's room or after one of our late night talks. It hadn't happened a lot, but it wasn't too unusual. So they did it alone. Big deal.
"And?" I hedged him to continue, in case there was more.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he lowered his head and spoke softly. "No, Jasper. I mean…" he took a deep breath. "We had sex."
I'm sure he heard my gasp. The tightening in my chest was immediate, the ache in my heart instantaneous. Stunned, I was speechless, as my heart raced, my mind played the words over and over, cutting me deeper each and every time.
We had sex.
A part of me died with those words.
"I wanted to tell you before, but Bella asked me not to. I…I just thought you should know."
That's when the anger hit.
"What the fuck Edward? You preached to me that night about keeping my dick in my pants, and you don't even follow your own fucking advice?" I had never yelled at Edward before, but I had never been hurt by him either.
"It wasn't like that. She…she asked me to," he had taken his glasses off, tossing them on cement surrounding the pool, once again, combing his hand through his hair.
"She what?" I didn't believe him.
No.
"She asked me to. A few weeks before the Prom, right after you and Alice…ya know." He motioned with his hands.
Oh fuck. He knew. All along he knew.
"Well, once Bella found that you and Alice had had sex, she came to me. She asked me to….well, make love to her," he paused. I could easily see the guilt on his face, but I wasn't sure if it was because he had fucked Bella or because he had told me her secret.
"Why?" It was barely audible. It was the only response I had besides NO!
I lowered my chin, and closed my eyes. The images of their nude bodies entwined on his large bed, her face flushed in pleasure that he gave her. Him calling her name as he came deep inside her, back arched, lips on hers in a passionate kiss. It would replay over and over again, I just wanted to hit that fucking 'erase' button.
He shook his head. "That's not my place to say. If Bella ever tells you about it, you can ask her. It was only that once, but I…I just felt you should know. I don't like keeping shit from you. Listen, I know you're pissed. I know I told you hands off my sister and then I do that with Bella, but…" he trailed off.
"Are you dating?" I interrupted, I had to ask…to know. He quickly shook his head.
"No, no…it's nothing like that."
I fumed more with each beat of my pulse, pushing anger through my body. "What, you can…you can fuck her, but you can't date her?"
Sighing heavily, he gathered his thoughts. "I guess this is why she didn't want to tell you," he began. "Listen Jasper, I love her. You know that. I love you too. She just…she just didn't...Oh fuck, I don't know. Trust me, I didn't make the decision lightly. But in the end, I would do anything she asked."
Catching my gaze he looked at me then, for the first time since beginning. "You know you would too."
He was right. I couldn't deny it.
We continued to float for another few minutes with only the sound of the pool filter between us. My mind replayed the imagined fucking while Edward's head hung low, guilt clearly visible in his eyes.
In silence, I stared at him.
I felt betrayed by him.
By her.
What I didn't realize was why. I cared for Bella, I should be thrilled her first time was with someone as loving as Edward and not someone like Newton.
My head shot up with that thought. If she was no longer a virgin, what would stop her from being with other guys now? Jealously flooded through me with such ferocity, it took my breath away. The pain in my chest increased as my mind flashed to our dance that night.
Did she know then that she was going to sleep with Edward that night? Had it been planned all along to be after the Prom? Was that the reason for the sadness and the trembling, had it just been nerves? Part of me wanted to know everything, every last detail - every kiss, caress and moan. Did she cry like Alice? Did she call Edward's name? With each question my mind raised, my heart ached that much more, hardening, peeling, cracking, small pieces breaking off only to turn to dust.
"Jasper, I-"
I put a hand up to stop him. I couldn't hear any more. "Don't," I begged. I tried to continue, "I just can't…not now."
I hopped of the floatie, almost dizzy when my feet hit the rough bottom of the pool. He remained quiet, his dark eyes following my every move. I tossed the raft out of the pool, and put my hands on the cement to pull myself up.
I hesitated at the sound of his voice.
"I'm sorry, Jasper," he said in barely a whisper. I couldn't see him behind me, and I didn't have it in me to turn and face him, to show him my pain, but I knew what he was doing anyway. His brow was furrowed, his eyes downcast, lips together in a frown, shoulders slumped. Part of me wanted to go tell him it was fine, that we were fine.
And I knew we would be. Just not right then.
Instead, all I could do was give him a small nod. Without another word, I climbed out of the pool, grabbing my towel, and not even bothering to dry off, went straight to my bike.
I didn't speak to my mother when she asked how my day was; instead I shoved past her to my room. I closed the door, well, slammed actually, and after tossing my bag on the floor, threw myself on my bed.
'We had sex.'
Them. Together. Over and over in my head those images played. I lay on my back, my hands fisting in my hair, trying to rid the pictures of them in bed, naked, kissing…fucking. Questions darted in and out of my mind quickly.
Did she blow him?
Did he go down on her?
Did she come?
Did he hurt her?
I jumped at the knock on my door. "Jasper, everything okay?"
Sighing, I gathered my voice before speaking, not wanting it to betray the lie I was about to tell "Yea, Mom, everything's fine. Just studied too much, just tired."
"Okay, then," I could hear her hesitant steps move on from my door.
Groaning, I rolled over onto my stomach, my arms curling up under my pillow, my face half-buried in the down feathers.
Tangled limbs. Plush lips. Sweaty skin. Quiet whispers. Loud moans. Names screamed.
My pillowcase was damp within minutes as the tears steadily fell.
"**~~**"
School ended.
Summer began
I continued to fall apart.
Perhaps 'fall apart' is a bit of an exaggeration, but it felt like it none the less. My life continued in a downward spiral that I seemed unable to control.
Things were still tense between Edward and me, and I took full responsibility. He had been honest with me, fulfilling his best friend duties by telling me about him and Bella.
It was now my problem.
It wasn't his fault that I could do nothing but picture them in various sexual positions when we were all together. How every small touch between them now held another meaning; her smiles to him, his whispers to her, a brush of an arm, a playful tickle, an arm slung casually over shoulders, a piggy back ride from the house to his car.
Every fucking little touch killed me that much more.
My inability to get over the fact that she had asked him to be her first lover was what kept the tension between us fresh, even through all his efforts to break it down and put it behind us. He was constantly inviting me over, regardless of how many times I was 'busy'. Sometimes he would show up at the music store to drop lunch off for me because he thought I might be hungry. He had even offered to pay to have my bike fixed when money was tight for me.
Why couldn't he just let me be pissed? Why couldn't he just let me wallow for awhile instead of offering a hand, a life raft, to my drowning soul in an attempt to resuscitate it?
Just let me drown. Please.
But he wouldn't do that. That wasn't Edward…and for that I was thankful. So he kept offering the lifeline, I kept pushing it away, wanting to tread water a bit longer before climbing on his raft, clinging to him and his friendship once again.
While Edward and I thought we were good at hiding tension when in the company of Bella and Alice, we, obviously, weren't as clever as we had assumed. Bella never said a word but she would frown or give me a long stare, questioning my snide remark to something.
I was sure she didn't know that the cause of my perpetual bad mood was her. It would have killed her to know, and I wasn't about to do that.
Newton had joined our group outings occasionally - to the movies, swimming at Edward's, and even to the meadow with us once - as he and Bella began to date on a regular basis. I made every attempt to avoid them together; the images of Bella and Edward's tangled limbs were damaging enough without seeing Newton's hand slide a bit to low on her ass while his other cupped her face as they kissed. My imagination would run wild and suddenly I was seeing Newton hovering naked over a trembling Bella as he entered her.
I gagged before turning away, the bile burning my throat with each sickly sting.
As much as I despised him, Bella actually seemed happy in his company. Edward also seemed okay with them as a couple, and I finally began resigned myself to that fact that it was, once again, my personal issue. With every caress between them, I would close my eyes and take a deep breath, making each moment a bit easier to tolerate.
Gradually, I had gone from wishing Newton a long and painful death to just being satisfied imagining him being hit by a bus.
Even Alice's unflappable, intoxicating spirit became affected by my distracted mood. I had been so wrapped up in my own misery that I had failed to notice Alice's slow descent as she willingly followed me down that long lonely road. She rarely shopped, canceled a few dates we had scheduled, and even let Mrs. C handle the Fourth of July party planning.
That's when I knew something was really wrong.
Guilt surged though me when I realized how neglectful I had been, too preoccupied with my dark desperate obsessions with Bella, Newton, and Edward to notice the sadness that fallen darkening Alice's enchanting bright light. With a conscious effort, I began to pay more attention to her, to block out the distractions of everything and concentrate on only Alice. We spent more alone time, watching some movies, sitting by the pool, or taking walks in the woods surrounding the Cullen's house.
The one thing I noticed we did not do was make love.
She shunned my advances each and every time, an artificial excuse quick to leave her lips when I began to rub my growing erection against her while we kissed goodnight, or when my eyes would travel up and down her bikini-clad body. At first, I assumed it was our lack of available options, but I remembered before when we would find the most opportune times and places to be alone and make love. It took effort, time, and planning, but Alice was great at that shit.
Now there was no effort, time, or planning, as Alice seemingly wanted nothing to do with me physically other than a chaste goodnight kiss.
That was the summer my hand once again became my best friend. I would stand in the hot shower every morning as imaginary Alice knelt before me, kneading my ass while her mouth worked wonders on my cock before I filled - my fist, rather - with warm milky fluid.
What we did do was fight more. My irritable mood made me quick to pass judgment on the smallest things, with me suddenly becoming irate at the fact that she told me not to wear jeans to a party, or that my hair was too long, or that Roger Moore was the best James Bond. Her formerly endearing qualities grated on me, severing off a sliver of my love for her with each quarrel.
It was mid-August when we sat a few feet apart on the edge of her pool, each of us dangling our feet in the warm water. A silence hung between us, one that had been there for the past few months and I had grown used to, even learned to accept it as part of who we had become. My chin rested on my chest as I watched my blurry feet under the water, making small circles, the water swirling around my tanned calves in little whirlpools.
"Jasper," Alice's chirp broke through the coats of silence we wore. I slowly glanced up at her.
This was it, I knew it. I didn't have to be Alice and see the future to realize what was coming next.
"I think we need to talk."
And with those six words, my life once again changed.
I sighed, squinting at her in the setting sunlight, her dark hair taking on almost a bluish tint in the last rays of the day.
"What's wrong, Alice?" I began. Let's get it over with.
"You know what's wrong, Jasper. Us," she waved a hand between our bodies, "we're what's wrong."
I nodded, but remained silent. "You just seem so…I don't know, distant?" she continued. "Lately, all we do is argue, and when we're not fighting, I am walking on eggshells around you because I don't know when what I say or do will set you off."
I turned toward the pool again, my heart beginning to catch up to her words, finally pounding a bit harder.
She looked down at the water, whispering, "We don't even make love anymore."
My head shot up and I instinctively leaned away from her."And whose fucking fault is that, Alice? Because it sure as shit isn't mine!" I defended myself. I would take the blame for this break-up but I would not take the blame for not wanting her. "I tried…a lot. You never wanted to. Always ready with an excuse, and let me tell you they got old after awhile. I finally just gave up."
A quiet sniffle was all it took for me to feel guilty over my outburst. I leaned my head back on my shoulders. "Look, I'm sorry. I just...I know I'm to blame here. I know I've been distant, I just...I'm not sure why."
She wiped the tears from her cheeks as she rocked back and forth a bit. Edward's nervous habit was running his hand through his hair, Alice…rocked. The next question shocked me.
"Is it because they slept together?"
I stare at her incredulously. "How did you know about that?" I absently notice not only did my heart skip a beat at her question, but my legs began churning in the pool faster. I had some nervous habits of my own.
"Bella told me. She actually told me before it happened, that she had asked him to be her first."
I was the last one to know.
"And you didn't tell me?"
"Jasper," she sighed."It wasn't my place. What happens between them, or you and I, is private. I noticed right after the Prom you started to become moody. I mean, you've always been kinda moody, but this was different. You were pissed, irritable, quiet. Each day was different, hell each minute of each day was different. I just got tired of it, I wanted my old Jazz back. When I started to really look at what was going on, and when it started, well, I made the conclusion that it must be because of them…what they had done."
She took a breath, gauging my reaction so far. Once satisfied, she continued."I began to wonder if you were hurt because Edward didn't tell you ahead of time, or that Bella didn't tell you after ….or that…it was Edward instead of you."
I shot her a look, a warning of sorts I guess, because she began gnawing on her bottom lip, and didn't continue with her deductions.
"Why did she tell you?" I asked.
"I don't know, I guess she wanted reassurance she was doing the right thing."
But she wasn't.
"So, I offered her what advice I could, ya know, being her first time and all…" her voice drifted off as she reminisced. I took the chance to lighten the mood some.
"Like what, how to decorate her room?" I smiled faintly as I nudged her side with my elbow. Her skin felt cool from the dampness settling around us.
"Shut up," she retorted with a hint of a smile and flush to her cheeks. How a girl that could fuck me six ways to Sunday could so easily blush when I mention something so non-sexual amazed me. I guess I still had it, even if it was rusty and tarnished.
Realizing this wasn't over, I reached for her hand, and turned toward her, bringing one knee up on the cement. My navy bathing suit gaping in an awkward position, I placed our hands in my lap, gently rubbing hers between mine.
"Just say it, baby. Get it over with." And with that I took a deep breath and held it. I felt a bit numb actually, although the pounding had not decreased. She nodded, again swiping the tears with her free hand before beginning, her eyes fixed on our entwined hands.
With one deep inhalation, her quiet voice trembled. "I think we should break-up Jasper. It's just…we're just not working anymore. We're growing apart and that's okay, it really is. You've got senior year coming up, college after that. I've got a lot going on this year…"she trailed off, but I nodded, encouraging her to continue. She finally lifted her eyes to meet mine and my numbness quickly wore off. The sheer heartache, sadness and determination I saw in them broke me.
Fucking broke me.
What an ass I had been to treat her like this, someone so bright and joyous and I did nothing but dim that light the past three months, extinguish that spark that had ignited between us. I don't care if I was a guy. The tears began to fall.
"Baby," I almost sobbed. I had to apologize before it was too late."I'm so, so sorry."
They fell freely now, and I felt her hand on my cheek.
"Sssh…it's okay, Jasper. It's not your fault…or mine. It just happened."
I wanted to argue. It was my fault, I got so involved over Edward fucking Bella that I lost sight of the girl in front of me, the one always so willing to share herself with me. The soft cool fingers on my lips stop me when I go to speak.
"Let me finish, baby," she started, and I nodded. "You were my first love, and you always will be. A part of my heart will always belong to you… no matter who I am with. We shared something that no one can ever take away and for that, I am grateful. I am grateful you were my first love, my first everything, Jasper."
She leans over, and kisses my lips tenderly one last time, the salt of my tears mixing with her sweet taste. Pulling away, she put her forehead against mine.
"Thank you, Jasper," she whispered before cupping my cheek again, and standing up to leave, but my hand was still tightly holding hers.
What would happen if I said no, don't go? Stay! Stay with me!
As quick as the words assaulted me, they were gone, never to be breathed.
I knew my heart lay in the hands of another, and it had for a long time, probably since the moment in the café so long ago. It wasn't fair to Alice that she didn't have all of me -she deserved more, she deserved better.
It wasn't fair to me.
To us.
When she realized she would get no protest from me, she let my hand go, mine falling heavily back into my lap, and took a step backwards, putting space between us.
"See you around, Jazz." With one last look over her shoulder at me, she turned toward the house.
As my tears began to subside a bit, I could do nothing but watch her leave me.
I sat there long enough to see her walk break into a sprint as her sobs pierced the cool night air.
"**~~**"
Thank you for reading~
For slash fans, I have the first S&S J/E slash outtake up, called Lost and Found –it can be found here
http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5368892/1/Lost_and_Found
