Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.
A/N-Two words…prologue & angst.
Once again, L&F was updated with S&S, and once again, there will be duplicate scenes altered to fit the L&F AU. If you read both, I would suggest reading S&S first.
My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise are my own.
As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.
"**~~**"
Skip the Goodbyes
Location: Nowhere (Grief)
"**~~**"
We'll skip the goodbyes
If I had it my way
I'd turn the car around and runaway
just you and I." -Matchbox Romance
"**~~**"
The silence was killing me.
We had silence before but it was different. I felt her sadness, her sorrow, as it filled the cab around us both.
She sat next to me, learning back against the headrest, just staring blankly out her open window, her hair whipped around her face from the force of the wind, but she didn't care. She made no attempt to tie it back as she normally would have. Instead, it obscured her view, not that she was really seeing anything before her anyway.
I don't think she had seen or heard anything since waking me the night before. It had been dark and late when she had come out to the living room and woken me up, tears still fresh on her cheeks as she told me she and Jake were over.
She had said no.
Up until that very second, it was exactly what I had wanted and waited for.
That was until I saw the devastation it caused her.
While it was the opportunity I had been waiting to seize, all I did was open my arms for her to collapse into. Curling up on lap, she had folded her knees to her chin as she rested her head against my shoulder. Her hands cupping her face as she sobbed into them, her pain palpable and real, emitting from her with each gasp for breath. I had held her tightly, one hand rubbing her back, traveling under silky hair up to her neck each time while the other gripped her arm lightly to offer what little comfort I could. Pressing my cheek to her hair, I bit my lip to stop myself from offering words that I knew would be wrong.
I didn't know what to do, but I knew enough to not to tell her it was going to be okay. I had no fucking clue if it was and I wasn't going to lie.
We had sat like that for hours; the only movement had been her body accepting her grief by trembling, the occasional shudder overtaking her as she tried to regain the control she had lost. My legs had numbed, my shirt long since soaked from her sadness, I had tried to absorb some of her anguish.
I failed.
She only cried harder.
The sun had begun to rise and she had finally stilled, soft breaths came from her parted lips as she lay slumped against me, her body spent from anguish. Releasing her arm and slid my hand under her legs and pushed off the couch, never letting her limp body go. Groaning at the ache that traveled through me from head to foot, I stumbled toward the bedroom. Pushing the door open with my hip, I went to the bed and laid her down. She had immediately rolled to her side with her back to me, almost as if she was waiting for me to climb in behind her.
But I didn't.
Instead, I pulled off my tee shirt and grabbed a clean one before heading out to begin packing the truck. We were due to leave in less than two hours. After I pulled out a few things for her to wear, I packed our luggage and cooler, loading it all in the bed of the truck tightly with all our camping gear. When I had finished about an hour later, I showered and went into the kitchen to find something to eat only to find Charlotte already cooking breakfast.
"You were up with the rosters," she greeted me with a kiss to my cheek. As she stepped back and took in my haggard appearance, she grew concerned. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head and sat at their table. "Remember the boyfriend? " She nodded. "They broke up."
Her eyes lit up with excitement for me briefly before turning to sympathy for Bella. "This is a good thing?" she asked cautiously.
Sighing, I put my head in my hands; the lack of sleep for the past two nights taking its toll. "Honestly, I really don't know. She was a mess last night."
Charlotte sat next to me and put her hand on mine. "That's to be expected. Just try to be there for her, Jasper."
"I don't…I don't know how," I replied wearily. Putting her hand on my chin, she forced me to look at her.
"I think you do," she smiled before standing and returning to the stove.
She had more faith in me than I did.
Peter had gotten up just as Charlotte finished cooking, and after kissing her, he sat down and began eating.
"Fucking delicious, baby," he grinned up at her. "Where's Bella?" he turned to me.
"Sleeping," I answered, my own plate sitting untouched in front of me as I pushed the food around absently.
"Everythin' alright?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "No morning head today?" he chuckled.
I ignored him and stood up. "I better go get her up, we have to head out soon," I excused myself and went to the bedroom. As I entered, I heard the shower running and saw her clean clothes missing. I stripped the bed for Charlotte, putting the linens in a laundry basket before I straightened up the rest of the room. Bella exited the bathroom dressed in her clean clothes, the scent of fresh strawberries clinging to her damp hair.
"Hey," I greeted. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. Tired," she paused. "Thanks for last night, Jasper," she said as she combed through her hair.
"No problem," I replied. "Everything's packed, breakfast is done if you want some before we leave."
She shook her head. "Nah, I don't feel like eating."
Knowing better than argue with her, I told her, "Then we can head out as soon as you're ready." I went to leave, but turned to her when I got to the door. "You sure you're okay?"
"Yes. Go spend time with them before we go," she gave me weak smile. Opening the door, I returned kitchen where I found Charlotte sitting on the counter, her legs wrapped tightly around Peter's waist as he stood between them kissing her deeply. With his hands on her hips and hers in his hair, they seemed like they were the only two people on earth.
They existed for only each other.
Clearing my throat, Peter pulled away from her and glanced at me over his shoulder. "Just thanking her for breakfast."
"Do you thank everyone that way?" I teased as I cleared my dishes from the table.
Releasing her, he turned to face me. "Want me to thank you?" he asked, sticking out his tongue and wiggling it.
Rolling my eyes, I put the dishes in the sink and rinsed them. Not facing them, I spoke in a shaky voice. "I think we're ready to go."
My statement was met by a minute of silence before I heard Charlotte sniffle. "I don't want you to leave," she said, wiping her face.
"Fuck, me either," Peter sighed. "But I know you have to."
Thirty minutes later, we stood beside my truck, Charlotte in my arms as she cried softly and murmured something about coming back soon. She lifted her head from my chest and reached up on her toes.
"Tell her, Jasper," she whispered in my ear. Closing my eyes, I nodded slightly and she pulled away. She was only gone for a second before Peter threw his arms around me in a strong embrace. Over his shoulder, I saw Charlotte hug Bella tightly, whispering in her ear as well.
"Go get 'er, you ugly fuck," Peter mumbled his encouragement the only way he knew how. Releasing me, he stepped back and held out his hand. "Have a safe trip, Jasper. Call and let us know when you make it home. Charlotte will be worried sick," he glanced over at her to see if she would call him out on his white lie.
"I will. And I'll be back, I don't know when, but some day I'll come back for a visit," I promised quietly. After shaking my hand, he turned to Bella and hugged her just as tight.
"Take care of each other," he instructed her before continuing, "Keep the fucker out of trouble."
Bella actually smiled at his words before agreeing to his demand. Letting him go, she went to the passenger side and climbed in, closing the door behind her. With a tip of my hat to Charlotte and Peter, I got in and started up the truck. I rolled down the window and backed out the driveway.
Peter held his fist out toward me. "Texas forever!" he yelled.
Putting my own fist out the widow toward his, "Texas forever," I called out loudly.
Driving down the road, I looked in my rearview mirror, catching a glimpse of a fourteen-year old boy brushing his messy black curls from his face as he cried before it morphed into the man running his hand through his hair as he bit his lip and stared after his best friend, who was once again leaving him.
Exhaling heavily, I pulled my eyes from the mirror. The finality of leaving hitting me harder than I had expected, the ache in my heart as powerful as it had been the first time I had left him behind.
At least this time, I had a proper goodbye.
We had driven like that for a few hours. Her staring silently out the window while I watched the road.
"Want to talk about it?" I offered hopefully. She shook her head, not even looking at me. "Bella…." I sighed, giving up.
I felt utterly and completely useless.
I didn't know what the fuck to say…or do.
Watching the road in front of us, my mind tossed with ways to make her feel better. I was at a loss; nothing I had said or done had made an impact. I had held her the night before, but anyone could have done that. I had provided nothing more useful than a warm embrace.
Charlotte was wrong, I didn't know what to do, but I knew who would.
Glancing at the signs along the highway, I got an idea. "Mind if I pull over at the next truck stop? I need to use the bathroom and get some food."
Of course, just as I expected, she shook her head.
She wouldn't even speak.
A few miles later, I pulled off the highway into the parking lot of a large truck stop. "Do you need anything?" I asked I turned the truck off. Again, she shook her head. "I don't like leaving you alone in the truck," I told her.
"Jasper, it's broad daylight, I'll be fine," she sighed.
"Lock the doors," I instructed as I got out and headed for the building. Stepping around the corner of the convenience store, out of her view, I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed his number.
"Hello," his sleepy voice mumbled.
"Edward, sorry to wake you," I apologized.
"You didn't wake me," he yawned. "I was actually… um…" he hesitated.
"Edward?" I began to fear I had disturbed him while he was with someone.
"Aw, fuck it," he sighed. "I was painting."
"Painting?" I asked, confused. Was that what he was calling it these days?
"Yes, painting. It was supposed to be a surprise. I had some bookcases built for Bella in her bedroom. All kinds of shelves, doors, drawers…everything she needs for school." he admitted.
"That time we were talking to you, the banging?"
"Was the construction guys, they got it done in a few days, but the painting has taken me awhile, but I'm trying to get it done before you guys get home."
With all the hours he worked, the night shifts he was putting in one after the other and instead of spending his days sleeping, he was painting.
For her.
It was one of the most thoughtful things I had ever heard. Being an English major, the amount of books Bella had collected was three times what I had. Even the library of medical books Edward lugged around didn't compare. Literature, grammar, writing, you name it, Bella had it. The books had begun to overtake her small desk, even taking up residence on the floor next to it, balancing precariously on each other. While I noticed the tower of books every time I was in her room, it never dawned on me to get her shelves to store them on; I had only suggested selling them at the Cullen's annual yard sale. My suggested had been met with a cold glare. Edward, on the other hand, knew how much Bella treasured each and every book.
He was the one that thought to build something for her to keep her books on. Sacrificing his sleep to get it done for when she arrived home.
I said sell the books, and he built her something to keep them.
It was one of many differences between us. His thoughtfulness overshadowing….
"Listen I only have a minute, Bella doesn't know I'm calling, I need your help. I just…I don't know what to do," I whispered as if she could hear me before glancing around the building to the truck.
"What's going on?" his voice peaked, taking on the tone of concern.
"Bella and Jake broke up, she said no," I blurted out.
"Shit," he mumbled under his breath. "When?"
"Happened late last night and she's been a zombie ever since. She hasn't eaten and she won't talk to me. Has barely spoken since we left Abilene. I don't know what to do, Edward." I finished, exacerbated.
He was silent for a moment, but I could hear him moving around. "Okay, let me finish this up, and I will call her in a while, see if I can get her to talk."
I leaned back against the building. "Don't tell her you know that I told you. She'll kick my ass."
"I won't say a word," he promised. "Give me about an hour, then I'll call her."
"Thanks, Edward," I said relieved, "We'll be home soon, going to try to make it back in less time than the drive down here. I need to get her home."
To him so he could fix her.
"Be safe, Jasper, see you both soon," he said before hanging up.
Stuffing the phone back in my pocket, I went into the restroom before heading into the store to grab some food. As I walked to the truck, I shoveled the chips from the bag into my mouth, holding Bella's Sno-Balls in my other hand. After I got into the cab, I tossed the Sno-balls into her lap.
"Those are for you," I mumbled around my chips as I started the truck. Absently, she picked them up and put them on the seat next to her, mumbling a thank you. I reached over and pressed the cactus, and he began singing "I can See Clearly Now". When I looked at her for a reaction, I found none.
Giving up, I pulled out of the lot and back onto the highway, the silence once again welcoming us into its cold embrace.
She was sleeping with her phone rang about seventy miles later. I tapped her thigh, and motioned to her phone in her bag when she eyes opened. Leaning down, she picked it up and smiled when she saw the name.
"Edward," she sighed as she answered. "I'm fine," she replied to his question before listening to him. "Well," she said as she glanced over at me. Unsure what to do, and wanting to give them privacy, I pulled to the shoulder of the highway and put the truck into park.
"Bathroom," I mouthed and pointed at the woods when gave me a questioning look. Getting out, I slowly made my way down the small hill and into the small group of trees nearby. The sound of the traffic faded as I found a large tree and went behind it. After relieving myself, I peeked around the tree as I did my zipper up. I could see her in the cab, her hands wiping her face constantly. She nodded a few times, her shoulders shaking a bit.
Thinking I had been gone as long as I could without causing suspicion, I walked back to the truck and got in.
"I promise," she said to him quietly. "I can't wait to see you either." Pause. "I love you, too," she smiled before hitting the end button and tossing the phone back into her bag.
"Everything okay?" I asked, looking in the mirror as I pulled back out onto the highway.
"It will be." For the first time since my birthday party, she looked at me and smiled. It was small and weak but it was a smile.
Edward had made it okay.
Just as I knew he would.
"**~~**"
In her cutoff shorts and a black tank top, Bella hung her arm out the window, moving it up and down as we drove along. Her head leaned back against the seat, facing the window, eagerly drinking in the warmth of the sun, her eyes closed as her foot tapped to the music on the radio.
Her mood had improved since talking with Edward. She was hardly unicorns and rainbows, but she had a peacefulness about her I hadn't felt in weeks. The weight of her decision was off her small shoulders, only the ramifications of that decision were left behind. Edward's ten minute conversation with her had soothed her in a way I had failed to do after hours.
Once again, I owed him.
Bella brought me out of my thoughts with a squeal of delight, her hand pointing to a sign on the side of the road for the Mustang River. We were somewhere in Arizona, but I had lost track of the towns as they blurred by us one by one at eighty miles an hour.
"Oh, Jasper, we have to stop there," she insisted.
"Bella, it's getting late and we still have five hours of driving until we stop for the night," I argued.
Turning to me, her back against her door, she curled a leg up under her. I made a huge mistake in glancing over at her. Her hair blew wildly around her, her full mouth in a small pout, her small chin cast downward while those eyes begged me.
Those fucking eyes.
See, Bella had big guns of her own and she was using them on me then.
I sighed heavily in defeat. Why did I even bother to argue? "Fine, but not for too long. Okay?"
She smiled in victory, as if she had ever doubted she would get her way.
We took the exit and followed the signs to a dirt path.
"That's it," she pointed down the road. Examining the GPS, I realized the road was even on it, although there was a small blue line indicating a river nearby. There had to be another road further up.
Shaking my head, I looked around for evidence of life…or something. "I don't think so Bella, there's no one around, this is some sort access road or something. "
"Exactly," she agreed, looking at me. "Like access to the river," she smirked.
"Okay," I sighed, turning on the path, barely wide enough for the truck to fit down. As the brush got thicker and the road got thinner, I tossed an 'I told you so' glance to Bella; to which she rolled her eyes.
"Ah…Bella? You sure that was the right turn? Because we seem to be blazing our own path…"
"I'm sure, just keep going," she directed confidently. The sound of the sound of the brush scraping along the side of my truck made me cringe.
Of course, she was right. Five minutes later, we reached a small clearing where I was able to park the truck. I dared to glace over at Bella, who had a very smug smile on her face, arms crossed over her chest, eyebrow arched.
"Fine. You were right, I was wrong. Happy?"
"Yes, very. Now let's go check it out."
Somehow, Bella had led us to paradise. Not far from where I had parked truck flowed a beautiful river, not huge and certainly not rushing, but smoothly flowing downstream. There was a small sandy area surrounded by large rocks at the river's edge. The water was crystal clear, with the occasional white foam gathering around weeds and smaller rocks. Trees lined both sides, offering shaded protection from the sun. Bella and I both loved the sun, after our years in Forks and Seattle, we cherished every sunny moment we could get. My southern roots had graced me with skin that would darken to a golden brown in the sunlight, and even Bella's paler than normal skin had taken on a darker hue.
"Oh, Jasper…it's beautiful," she stood, hands on hips, admiring the river. I stood, hands on hips, admiring Bella.
"Yea, it is," I walked up behind her. "We should go for a swim." She said nothing but nodded with her head tilted up, eyes closed, enjoying the warm sun. "I'll go get the blanket and towels," I started to walk away and she turned around to face me.
"Wait, we don't have suits?"
It was my time to arch an eyebrow at her. "Bella, it's not like we haven't seen each other naked before. Besides, we're adults, I am sure you can control yourself around me,"
"Oh, I don't know, Hale, you're pretty enticing," she teased and turned back to the river. I headed to the truck for the blanket and towels we kept in the bed.
As I walked back to the river's edge, I saw Bella beginning to undress. Her sandals were already off as she undid her shorts and let them fall to the ground, the muscles in her calves moving beneath her skin as she stepped out of her them. She bent over to pick them up and fold them, her ass covered in white cotton panties with small pink hearts on them. Bella, always the romantic, right down to her underwear. When I laughed out loud, she turned quickly and caught me gawking at her.
"What's so funny?"
"Pink hearts, Bella? Really?" I paused. "You're such a romantic."
She glanced down at her panties, "What's wrong with pink hearts?"
I walked over to her, spreading the blanket out at her feet, placing rocks at the corners to keep it in place. I toed off my boots before I undid my jeans and pulled them off. "Nothing's wrong with pink hearts, but on underwear?"
"Sure, why not?" she questioned. My eyes were drawn to her hands on her hips, the very edge of the bandage on her tattoo peaking out from between her fingers.
"You should probably take that off, it's going to get wet anyway." I motioned to the gauze on her hip. Nodding, she pulled the elastic of her panties back and peeled off the bandage, barely giving me a glimpse of her ink before letting the elastic back into place. I grabbed my tee shirt and pulled it over my head, tossing it on the ground. Bella stared, her eyes roaming over me as I stood before her in nothing but my black boxer briefs.
"What?" I looked down, my hands self consciously brushing over my chest, thinking perhaps there was something on me I was unaware of.
"You been working out this summer behind my back?" she whistled. Reaching up, I removed my own bandage from my arm and tossed it on the blanket.
"Oh yes, sitting in the truck driving for hours on end has done wonders for my physique," I retorted as I turned for the river, I called to her over my back. "Come on, let's go."
The water felt incredible. I hadn't realized how hot I was until my feet hit the fresh, cold water. I debated taking my briefs off and turned around to see if Bella had continued to undress. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable by getting naked if she wasn't. She was heading to me, dressed in her bra and panties, her tank top lying with the rest of her clothes.
Even in her romantic, pink-hearted panties, she was a sight for sore eyes. While Bella didn't work out on a regular basis, her body was fit and toned. My cock twitched and I forced myself to look away as she walked slowly into the water toward me.
The next few hours, we splashed, swam, and floated in the small river. We let the cool water flow over our bodies as we lay on our stomachs near the shore, using our hands for balance and letting the buoyancy of the water hold us up.
We spoke about our upcoming classes. Bella was particularly nervous over her upcoming internship with one of her English professors. He had been an exceptionally hard on her the previous year, but they shared a mutual respect and at the end of year, he had asked her to return as an intern for the fall semester to help prepare for class and grade papers.
Of course, we talked about Edward and how his medical internship with his father had gone, how tired he seemed. It was coming to end in a few weeks, hopefully leaving him enough time to recuperate before starting his fall semester. She didn't mention her call with him earlier, and I didn't bring it up.
We never mentioned Jake.
Her mood was somber, reflective even, but also optimistic. When she spoke about school, while nervous, she was excited as well. The mere mention of Edward's name encouraged a sparkle in her eye and a smile to her lips. She even laughed a few times, and even though the laughter was for him, because of him, the sound caressed my heart in a way I never thought possible
After the water had cooled our bodies, we made our way to the blanket and lay down on our backs, arms at our sides, eyes closed, letting the sun once again warm us.
Apparently, we were all talked out, as we were completely silent.
I concentrated on the sounds of the flowing river, the heat bugs buzzing, the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees nearby. I concentrated on these things so I would not concentrate on the beautiful girl next to me. Her skin glistened with drops of river water; her wet bra was clearly see-through, exposing her dark nipples, and pink-hearted panties clung to her hips, her bones peeking out above the waistband. The tangled brown waves of her hair, bathed in the scent of fresh water, spread underneath her, semi-dry pieces reaching up to tickle my shoulder with every breeze. She had small curves in all the right places, but it was other things about her body that turned me on. The way her collarbones jutted out just the right amount, the freckles that danced across her nose, or those fucking brown eyes that held me captive with every glace in my direction.
We lay like that for awhile, and just when I thought she might be asleep, I felt her hand crawl under mind, her palm up, twisting her fingers with my own, and I squeezed hers in reply, but still did not speak. I turned my head toward her, squinting one eye open. She hadn't moved, except to place her hand in mine. The sun loved her, kissing her skin, flushing a light pink to her cheeks. I was actually jealous of the sun; wanting it to be my hands that got to caress that smooth, soft skin.
Desperately, I tried to imagine our future together as a couple, and I saw blurry images of us together, holidays, summers, classes. We weren't complete, there was a piece of us missing, a piece that helped make us who we were, a piece I knew we both needed. When I imagined her and Edward together, the image became crystal clear, their smiles bright and complete with no piece of their life missing.
It was how it should have always been.
Suddenly, it hit me.
I had been what stopped them from being together. It had been Edward she had asked to make love to her for her first time, it had been Edward she went to when she had the argument with Jake, it had been Edward that thought to build her bookcases for her precious books, it had been Edward that was able to bring out of the dark earlier that day. The way she smiled with he called, words of love falling so easily from her to him, the emotion that filled her eyes when she spoke about him.
It had always been Edward.
I had just been so blinded by my own love for her that I had missed it all along.
He was the right choice for her; he could provide her with her heart's desire. I…I would probably just fuck up her life somehow. I felt my throat tighten as the thoughts rushed through my head like a fucking freight train.
"Penny for your thoughts," her voice broke through the air gently. I swallowed hard, choking back some of the emotions threatening to betray my fake calmness.
"My thoughts aren't worth even a penny," I sighed, trying to act casual but felt my hand tighten around hers a bit. She rolled to her side, leaned against me and placed her chin on my chest. Even after laying it the sun, her skin was still chilled from the river and my nipples hardened.
"I am sure whatever is floating around that head of yours is worth a lot more than a penny," Her warm breath washed over my chest leaving goosebumps in their wake.
I opened my eyes to find her gazing at me. It was a bit unnerving actually. Like she was trying to dig through my mind and find the answer to her question.
"Alright. I was thinking about whether or not Edward is going to like that hat we bought him in Galveston." When in doubt, bring the conversation back to Edward. Her giggle shook my chest, sending sparks flowing through my body.
"You got to admit, red is totally his color," she smiled.
"Shows off his eyes," I smirked. Her other arm had come around to rest across my stomach, her thumb briefly lightly caressing the skin on my side before she dragged it up to my arm. She tentatively touched my tattoo; her fingertips barely skimming the surface of my newly stained skin.
"Does it still hurt?" her lips pursed in worry.
"Nah, does yours?" She shook her head. "What do you think Edward will say?" I asked.
Her fingers never left my skin; instead, they constantly traced the pattern of my inked design while she thought for a moment, then laughed a bit.
"He'll be pissed we did it," she considered for a moment, "then he'll be jealous we did it without him." The more her fingers brushed over me, the quicker my resolve weakened.
"We'll just tell him that we couldn't allow him to mar his otherwise perfect form."
Letting out a heavy sigh, she returned to her original position on the blanket. My skin immediately missed her presence, forcing me to follow her so that I was the one leaning over her on my elbow.
She looked up at me, her eyes wide, her face pinked from the sun's rays, her hair fanned out behind her.
I didn't see it, but I felt her hand skim along my arm up to my face where she pushed my blond curls back, her eyes never leaving mine. Her fingers continued to run through my hair. My brows furrowed in confusion. Her touch was intimate, that of an almost lover, not of a friend. Her signals were confusing the shit out of me. It wasn't just a physical attraction for me, it was my heart she was fucking with and she didn't even know it. It was not our typical verbal dance of flirting, the dance had move to unknown territory and I didn't know the steps.
It was wrong, I knew it was. She was feeling bad about Jake and missing Edward and I was a convenient distraction. While I knew it was going to hurt like hell, I couldn't stop myself.
I wanted her.
Just once I wanted her.
I didn't care if it was only for one night or one hour.
My eyes closed in hope and in fear. Her other hand came up to cup my cheek and I opened my eyes to see her lick her lips, her gaze studying my own. My heart raced in my chest as I leaned down to capture her lips with my own. Immediately her hand in my hair fisted into my curls, her other slid to my neck to draw me even closer to her. Her tongue traced my bottom lip, and with no hesitation, I allowed her entrance to my mouth. The first taste; the first touch of her tongue against mine, enticed an embarrassing moan from me.
My hands to reach up, curl under her head, weave into her damp locks and press her to me as tightly as possible. Our breaths were coming in pants as I pulled away from her lips, daring to let mine roam down her neck. Tilting her head back in my hands, she allowed my mouth better access to the tender skin on the column of her neck as her body arched up into mine.
She wanted more.
I let go of her hair with one hand, letting it travel down her side and back up again, grazing the side of her breast. Trembling under me, she whimpered as I nibbled my way down to her collarbone, my tongue tracing the lines from one side to the other. Cupping her breast with my hand, I caressed it through the material of her bra and felt the vibrations of her moan through my lips. The erection I had been sporting since high school pressed into her side, with only my briefs between us.
I rested on one elbow, my body half covering hers. When I slipped a leg between hers, I felt her fingers run down my back, curve around my side and reach between us. My cock twitched when her fingertips brushed over its head, I groaned into the kiss and deepened it even more.
It felt fucking amazing.
Then she wrapped her fingers around my cock through the wet, lightweight material, and I thought was going to come right then. Pulling my lips from hers, I kissed my way down her neck once again, continue over her warming skin. When I reached her breasts, I nuzzled one with my nose before tracing her nipple through her bra with my tongue.
She hissed, her hand pulling my hair while her other closed over my hip, her fingers digging into my skin. Moving from her breast, I left open mouth kisses over her flat stomach, dipping my tongue into her navel. Dragging my hands along the same route my mouth had taken, they met my lips at the waistband of her pink heart panties. Sliding a finger under the elastic, I looked up at her through the hair that had fallen back in front of my face, asking for permission.
Nodding, she gasped as I slowly pulled her panties down over her hipbone enough to see her tattoo. It wasn't very large, about three inches. In a beautiful, unique shade of copper was the letter "E". At the bottom of it, in a dark chestnut brown was the letter "B", and finally, the letter "J" in a golden honey. Each letter in the same script I had received, only they were on top of each other, entwined completely so that one never ended, but rather flowed seamlessly into the next with no separation.
Just like us.
Touched, I kissed the "B", murmuring thank you against her skin.
She had put herself in the middle.
Only in life it was me that was between them.
I felt a bit lighter, knowing that no matter where I was, she would always have that reminder of me permanently inked into her skin.
I let her underwear slip back into place and slid my body back up hers until our lips were touching once again. The backs of my fingers stroked her cheek as she let my tongue slip past her parted lips to tangle with hers. Back in my previous position, her hand returned between us, wrapping her fingers around me as best she could through the material. Instinctively, my hips thrust into her light grasp.
We were almost naked, alone, and she was touching me in ways I had dreamt about for years.
There was nothing stopping us from continuing. Even if we never told another soul what happened, we would be permanently changed, and so would our relationship. I knew if I made love to her, I could never go back to being just friends.
For me, it wasn't just sex. It was so much more than a release, an orgasm that no doubt would be mind blowing. It was about love, commitment…forever.
Things she had with another.
Pumping me slowly, my hips began a rhythm into her hand on their own while my tongue explored her mouth and my hand caressed her breast, eager to find their way under the silky material to feel her naked skin under their touch. Whimpering into the kiss, her hips rose in an attempt to meet mine, but my weight held them down, frustrating her immensely as she sought the fiction of my touch.
Knowing all I had to do was slid my hand down her body and under her pink hearts, and she would be mine. I could bring her to climax with my hand, my tongue, my body, watch her as wave after wave of ecstasy passed through her body. Above her, I could enter her soft warmth, letting her envelope me as I sank deeper into her body. The thoughts, the fact that I was on the precipice of having her was too much. When it felt like my heart was going to burst through my chest, I went to pull away from the kiss, but she just followed me, not letting me go. Her grip on my shaft tightened as she slowly stroked up and down and I groaned loudly.
I was quickly losing control. I couldn't let it go further, no matter what my body wanted…and it wanted it so fucking bad.
With one hand, I reached down to hers and gently pried her fingers from around me. She broke the kiss, laying back on the blanket, rejection flowing into her eyes. I shook my head, and put my forehead to hers.
"No, it's not you…it's just…" I gasped. My dick desperately missed her touch, twitching against her, begging for more. Her eyes closed tightly and she nodded in understanding. As the fog of passion cleared from her brain and thoughts of what we almost did entered it, she sighed. "We just…can't." I pleaded for her to understand.
"I know," she murmured, "you're right."
We lay like that for awhile, foreheads together, eyes closed, breaths mingling, bodies pressed together. Just like when we were dancing…only with less clothes.
It would be so easy to say.
I love you.
It was so hard to say.
Feeling a slight chill down my spine, I lifted my head and opened my eyes to see sun had lowered behind the trees and was beginning to set, tossing red and orange flames across the sky. It was breathtaking.
I looked at Bella beneath me.
She was breathtaking. I placed a kiss on her forehead and went to lean back on my knees, to put some distance between our needing bodies, but she grabbed my hand.
"Jasper, can we stay here tonight?" Her eyes were finally open, and they looked a bit sad. I gave her hand a squeeze and smiled a little.
"Course we can. You want me to set up the tent?"
"No, just here, on the blanket," she requested quietly.
"Sure, let me go grab the sleeping bags." I stood and walked to the truck, grabbing the bags out of the bed. Opening the cooler, I took out a few bottled waters, a jar of salsa and some nacho chips. As I approached Bella, I noticed she had not redressed, and was facing me kneeling. I tossed her a bottle of water and she agilely reached out and caught it, her speed surprising me.
"Nice catch," I complimented as I tossed the bag of chips on the blanket. Sitting down in front her, I felt exposed in only my underwear. Crossing my legs, I held up the unopened jar of salsa for her approval. She nodded and I proceeded to twist the cover off with a loud pop. Bella wrestled the bag of chips open and held them to me before grabbing a few for herself. As she went to dip her chip in, I grabbed her wrist, Startled, she looked up. The electrical current from earlier still flowing through us both, intensifying our touch. I glanced at her wrist in my hand, her pulse pounding under my thumb, before looking deeply into her eyes.
"Bella," I started sternly, "absolutely, no double dipping,"
She laughed and I let go of her wrist. "Jasper, that was years ago," she recalled and proceeded to dip.
"Yes, and I still remember it clearly, which is a testament to how traumatic it was," I admitted as I pulled out a few chips. I watched her cup her hand under the chip as she brought it to her mouth and closed her perfect lips around it. My erection, which had not completely waned, came back instantly.
"Ya know, Jasper, you really do take me to the nicest places," she mumbled through a mouthful of chips.
"You got a problem with Chez Whitlock?" I glanced around our surroundings, the sun behind the trees, the river glistening with the last hints of daylight. I looked back at Bella in front of me, practically naked, eating her salsa and chips. I tilted my head and stared at her. "You have to admit, the view is beautiful."
And I didn't mean the sunset.
She glanced around us, much like I had, and sighed. "Yes it is. One of the prettiest places we've seen." Her eyes met mine. "And the view is definitely beautiful."
My heart skipped a beat.
"Thank you, Jasper. For stopping here today and for…for everything."
I wanted to tell her again. My mind was chanting it over and over again but my mouth would not say the words. "You're welcome, Bella. It has been incredible. Thank you for coming with me." I reached out and pushed some hair off her shoulder, running my hand down her arm, leaving goose bumps in my wake. It was starting to get chilly.
Pointing to the salsa, Bella asked, "How come no three course meal over a fire?"
I put a chip in my mouth before answering. "We don't have anything to cook on it, I hadn't planned on camping here tonight." I paused, "Got a problem with the dinner menu?"
"Not at all, it's delicious," she smiled and popped another chip in her mouth. We continued to eat and discussed our plans for the remainder of the drive, our stay at the river put us behind schedule by several hours, which would give Edward more time to complete his gift for her.
The sun had set; darkness wrapping itself around us.
"Want some music?" I offered, eager to have my mind occupied.
"Sure," she pulled her knees up and laid her chin on them while I got up to get my guitar. Returning to her with it, I sat down in front of her, the guitar on my lap.
"Any requests?"
She thought for a minute before smiling. "Anything country."
"Alrighty then," I chuckled, strumming the strings while I ran through the list of songs I knew. I wanted something upbeat, knowing anything else would threaten to betray my emotions. I finally settled on Brad Paisley's "Start a Band". By the chorus, I had Bella swaying back and forth, moving her shoulders and hips with the music. When I finished, I put on my best accent and began "Backwoods" by Justin Moore, earning a giggle from Bella when I drawled out vowels like a pro. Three songs later, I put the guitar on the ground next to me.
"We should sleep so we can head out early tomorrow, long day," I suggested as I recapped the salsa and closed the chips. I brought the guitar and food back to the truck and put it back in the cooler. We gathered our sleeping bags on the blanket and I began to unzip mine to get in, but Bella stopped me.
"Let's share," she offered. She had unzipped hers completely and was holding it open for me. Without hesitating, I climbed under, my arms automatically pulled her to my side and she rested her head on my chest, wrapping her arm around my stomach as she had earlier. Using my bag as a pillow for us, I pulled her sleeping bag back up to cover her, knowing the chill from the night would soon settle in. The flowing river was the most soothing music to fall asleep to.
"You warm enough?" I asked her as I rubbed one hand up and down her back, the other along the arm across my chest. The feeling of her almost naked body pressed against me was a rush I would never have the chance to get used to. She nodded into my chest and I kissed the top of her head. "Your tattoo…it's beautiful."
"You like it?" she asked sleepily.
"Very much. It's perfect."
"I hope Edward likes it…." Her voice trailed off as she began to drift in and out of sleep.
It was only moments later I heard her soft snores assuring me of her sleep. Her arm around me had loosened slightly and her hand had come to rest on my hipbone. I stared at the stars above me for hours, their twinkling in the black sky unhindered by trees or a city skyline.
Then, I did something I hadn't done in years. I began to pray, to whoever would listen. I prayed for the courage to do what I knew was best for all of us. I prayed for Bella to be safe and find happiness. I prayed for life to fulfill her dreams, for them all to come true.
When I was certain her sleep was deep enough not to be disturbed, I whispered to the dark sky.
"I love you, Bella."
I closed my eyes, and when I did, the tears that had hovered on the edges silently streamed down my cheeks.
I cried, I prayed and I held Bella tight.
For the third night in a row, I didn't sleep.
"**~~**"
Turned out our little paradise had been just north of Albuquerque, putting us a bit less than twenty-three hours from home.
Twenty-three hours left alone with her.
Soon, I would be down to counting the minutes.
We had gotten up as the sun rose, quickly packing up our bags and heading back to the highway, only stopping at a store to pick up some donuts and coffee for breakfast.
I never touched mine.
While I had lain awake watching over her, Bella had slept soundly the night before, all the nights she had tossed and turned were gone as her decision had been made. She had been reading a bit, and had even called Edward when we had pulled off the highway for a quick lunch. Their conversation had been quick, but happy, and finished with an emotional 'I love you', which had made my heart clench. Bella and I had talked, and while her mood never exceeded melancholy, she was on the right road, making progress with each hour. My lack of sleep had caught up with me, and as the highway stretched neverending before me I would feel my lids droop and drift closed.
Her chatter, and challenges of This or That topics, kept me alert enough for driving, though my thoughts were often disorientated and distracted. No matter the discussion, my mind, and heart, always returned to one thing.
One more night and another day's worth of driving and we would be on the doorstep of home.
Of Edward.
Eleven hours after getting into the truck that morning, we pulled into Salt Lake City. Unable to stay awake any longer, I turned into a hotel just off the highway and we checked in. While I took a very welcomed hot shower, Bella went to get us some food at a Chinese place down the road. We ate lo mein and moo goo gai pan while we sat on the bed and watched some television. Well, Bella watched, I just stared at it, not really comprehending the mindless comedy that was on. It was barely eight when I looked at Bella, my jaw slack and my eyes closing.
"Gotta sleep," I mumbled as I rolled to my side, away from her. Lithely, she reached over me, grabbing my lo mein before I knocked it on the floor, and placed it on the table next to the bed, my plastic spork still sticking out of it. Vaguely, I felt the bed shift as she put her own food away and turned the lights off. There was the soft glow from the television lighting up the room as she went into the bathroom. My body exhausted, I never heard her exit, or get back into bed, but I woke up with her warm body behind mine, curled into me with her small arm around my waist, her nose buried in my back.
The sun had broken through the clouds from the day before and was shining into our room. My body still tired, I felt heavy and guilty for having slept so late.
But I couldn't bring myself to let it end. Not only our time alone together, but our time in bed together as the friends we had always been. Knowing it would all change irrevocably once we got home.
After I weaved my fingers with hers as they lay under my tee shirt on the heated skin of my stomach, I felt her move behind me, stretching the night's sleep away from her body.
"We should get going," I announced sadly, taking her hand and moving it off me and climbing out bed. I had showered the night before, so I brushed my teeth, dressed and packed up our bag before Bella had barely gotten out of bed.
"Eager?" she asked as she passed me on her way to the bathroom.
I wanted to scream no, that I didn't even want to return to our previous lives, much less so soon.
"It's just late," I shrugged. "Long drive ahead of us."
Ten minutes later we were in the truck and heading to a coffee shop for breakfast. Bella eyed me, her attention unnerving as I sipped my coffee while we merged onto the highway. Finally, I looked over at her and raised an eyebrow.
"What?" I asked.
Shaking her head, she sipped her coffee before speaking. "Nothing, you just seem down or something."
Or something.
"Still tired," I replied flatly. Reaching over, I turned on the radio, hoping the music would hinder any further conversation.
Less than eight hours left and my mind and heart battled inside me, much like they had at the river. Over and over in my head, I heard Peter telling me Bella was head over heels for me, or Charlotte telling me to man the fuck up and confess my love.
Their voices were clear, but they stood in the shadows of Edward's power. His ability to sooth Bella, to comfort her, please her, make her happy in ways I could only dream of.
I chucked to myself. Dreams were for those that slept. I tossed, I turned, I didn't sleep.
Their tender words of affection, their touches at the house, casual and loving.
Nothing Peter or Charlotte had seen in a few days could compare to what I had witnessed for years.
It wasn't me.
It was him.
He was her breath, her soul, and he had her heart.
Four hours. We had stopped for lunch, though I had barely eaten, settling on drinking some lemonade while Bella ate a salad and chatted about a text she had received from Rosalie, something about Emmett and a big surprise he had planned.
Two hours. I pulled over on the side of the road and ran into the woods, claiming I had to go to the bathroom. Once I was out of her view, I fell to the ground on my knees just as my stomach dry heaved, clenching and twisting up nothing. Wiping the tears that had gathered in my eyes from the vomiting, I stood up and leaned against the tree, convincing myself I could it.
Returning to the truck, I got back in and pulled back out without saying a word. Bella just stared at me.
She was on to me.
For the last hundred miles I had thought about not going to Edward's; about telling her how I felt. The closer we got to Seattle, the more my heart felt like it was being ripped from chest.
"I can't wait to see him," she said excitedly. When I didn't reply, she looked up from her cell phone; she was texting Edward, letting him know we were about ten minutes away. "You okay, Jasper? You've been awfully quiet."
She sat with her bare feet up on the dashboard. Her tee shirt was loose, the wind from her open window catching it and blowing it away from her body. Her hair was in a loose, and once again blowing in her face.
I refused to look at her. "I'm okay. Just tired. We've done a lot of driving, it will be nice to lay back and relax for a few weeks before classes start."
She reached out and ran hand down my arm, stopping briefly at my hand. I turned my palm up and she entwined her fingers with mine.
We drove like that in silence.
Holding our hands together while my heart fell apart.
It seemed only seconds later we pulled into the driveway of their house. I saw the silver Volvo in front of the garage.
Edward was home.
Barely able to contain her excitement at the thought of seeing Edward, Bella let go of my hand and had her door open before I had even come to a complete stop. I took a deep breath, trying to slow my racing heart, got out, and headed to the bed of the truck to retrieve her bags. Bella was practically jumping in place beside me as she waited for me to fold the cover back to access our stuff.
"Bella, go on in and see Edward, I'll get these for you," I smiled at her.
Grinning up at me, she reached up, placing the softest, briefest kiss on my lips and then she was turning, running to the steps of the house. At the top, she turned to me, a vision from the gods, her smile bright and eyes full of anticipation, her long hair hung in thick waves around her shoulders, her tanned skin glowing.
It was perfect, to see her that way. That last time.
"Just toss them on the ground, Hale, we can grab them later," and with that, she was gone.
I walked to the steps, placing her bags on the porch next to the wicker chair. I looked at the door and considered, for a second, about going inside. Nothing would have to change. We could all go back to status quo, they would be none the wiser.
But I would be.
I couldn't find the courage in me to go inside to witness their happy reunion. Her jumping into his waiting arms, his grin wide with the joy of seeing her for the first time in weeks. She would wrap her arms around his neck and kiss him as he spun her around, laughing, commenting on how skinny she was or what a mess her hair was.
No. It was better this way.
He could love her so much better than I could.
He was the most loyal person I knew, he was intelligent and going to have a brilliant career as a doctor, allowing him to provide Bella with the best of everything that life had to offer, including loving her I a way I couldn't.
I saw their future together; her coming home from work, Edward at the kitchen counter finishing up dinner, turning to hug and kiss her before ushering her to the table and serving her a plate of home-cooked food. After, they would cuddle on the couch and watch television, laughing and talking about their day. Ending the night in bed, him on top of her as he thrust in and out of her slowly, staring at her with so much love while she brushed his hair out of his eyes and moaned at the sensations he filled her with. Love and passion flowing effortlessly between them as they both cried out the other's names as they came together.
I felt sick.
I couldn't even cook her a nice meal.
I turned and headed back to the truck, climbing in behind the wheel once again. Leaning back against the headrest, I closed my eyes as they filled with unshed tears. My phone vibrated with a text message and I flipped it open.
U coming inside? She asked.
I immediately typed my reply.
Be there in a few, need to call home to check in with the Major
I lied.
Ok c u in a few. Tell him hi for me
I took a deep breath and started the truck. My resolve and determination was cracking quickly. Shifting into reverse, I backed the truck out of the driveway.
"**~~**"
I drove.
For hours, I just drove, not stopping for gas or food or to take a piss, knowing slightest pause would give me enough time to reconsider my decision and ultimately lead me back to Seattle…to Bella. My cell phone vibrated every few minutes with a new text message or voice mail. I knew she was panicking but I couldn't bring myself to answer it. I contemplated turning it off, but it seemed too harsh, too real. At least its vibrations told me she cared, she was concerned about me, where I was, what had happened. I was sure some of the messages were from Edward…an unhappy one at that. He would not like that I was worrying Bella. I understood that; he was filling our role alone now. The role of Bella's protector, a position previously held by two, was now down to one.
With my free hand, I wiped at my face, I thought the tears would have been long gone but I had underestimated the pain my decision would cost me. My face was wet as tears rolled down my cheeks, the neck of my tee shirt soaked from the tears mixed with sweat. My curls were damp, clinging to my forehead and neck, even the breeze from the open window was not enough to coax them from my skin.
I ached.
My heart ached so fucking much. I could be burned alive and gutted and feel better than I did at that moment.
My head hurt from concentrating through blurry eyes to make out the road in front of me.
My entire body ached from hours of driving. My bladder felt like it was going to burst if I didn't stop soon.
I pushed harder on the gas pedal. Miles of woods passed by me at speeds not even near legal. The faster I went, the further I could get.
Next to me, my cell phone vibrated again. Without a second thought, I grabbed it and whipped it out my window, watching in my mirror as it hit the road and shattered into pieces.
Just like my heart.
The fucking tears came faster.
Harder.
I could feel my chest beginning to heave as I entirely lost what little control I had had over my emotions. Pulling over to the side of the road, I threw the truck into park and rested my forehead on the steering wheel.
I sobbed.
I cried.
I screamed in agony and loss.
My entire body shook with more pain than I ever believed fucking possible until there was nothing left in me but emptiness, weakness. Every part of me drained, leaving nothing in its wake, the pain had stolen my life from me, pulling it from me in tears and screams until I was broken.
Numbness slowly circled itself around my heart, allowing me to finally open my swollen eyes and realize night had solidly fallen. Once again, I started the truck and pulled out on to the road, leaving my sorrow to rest on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. That was exactly where it belonged.
I had done what I was supposed to do.
I had buried my love for her deep inside my soul where it would forever remain a part of me.
I had made sure their friendship would not be broken.
I had delivered her to Edward's arms. I knew he would care for her, watch over her, love her with all that he was. Of that, I had no doubt.
I had returned her to him.
Safe and sound.
"**~~**"
Thanks for reading~
Sad, happy, pissed? To clear up any confusion, there have been a few reviews asking if this was the end, it is not, there is more to come...
A picture of Bella's tattoo can be found on my profile page. Also, there is a thread for S&S at Twilighted, the link is also in my profile page.
