"You can't always expect my usual brand of stupidity. Sometimes I like to mix it up. Keeps you on your toes." – Patrick Star
Epilogue:
Asinus Sum
Annora let out a long sigh as she reached up to run a hand through her hair, wincing visibly when her fingers hit air far too quickly for her tastes. Her hair had been cut while she had still been in her coma, and right now it didn't even brush against her shoulders.
The girl sighed again as she allowed herself to fall back against the back of her wheelchair, only to scowl darkly when the motion sent her backwards a few inches. It was another unwelcome change, something that rankled against her already wounded pride. Her legs muscles had atrophied while she had been unconscious, and now she couldn't even walk on her own, much less stand up for any length of time. For someone who had always been very independent, being forced to rely upon Kit to help her get dressed in the morning, as well as helping her shower was downright humiliating.
Still, it could have been worse.
Five of the kids that had been on the bus with her when the accident happened had been killed. Several others had been badly injured, but she had been the only one who had been put into a coma.
The sound of footsteps padding across the wooden floorboards behind Annora caused her to snap out of her funk before she reached down and clumsily turned the wheels so that she could spin her wheelchair around. Katie stopped short as her friend turned around to face her before she flashed the brunette a somewhat sheepish grin.
"Still not used to that," she admitted hesitantly as she handed the other girl a brightly-wrapped package. Annora rolled her eyes in response as she set the package down on her lap before she reached over and lightly punched Katie on the arm.
"Katie, I'm still not used to this," she pointed out. She hesitated for a moment before she gave her friend a half-hearted smirk. "Besides, this is probably the only way that you'll ever be taller than me."
It was at that moment that the front door burst in, and a familiar skort-wearing homunculus crashed into the living room. Annora's jaw dropped as she gaped at Envy, her mind short-circuiting as she tried to comprehend what she was seeing.
"Annora!" he cried in a strangled voice, racing toward her. He flung himself onto the ground in front of her and buried his face somewhere in the vicinity of her knee. "Annie," he said in muffled tones, "Annie, my dear, sweet Annie. Don't you know how much I love you?"
Annora's eyes bugged out before she made a strangled, gasping noise. "Dear. God."
He went on as if he hadn't heard her. "I've been following you everywhere! You can imagine how difficult it was to find you here, but love prevailed and I have finally found you!" He looked up at her with limpid violet orbs.
She realized suddenly that he wasn't lying. The expression currently on his face was one of the most disgusting she had ever seen in her life.
"I think I'm going to vomit," the girl finally said in a strangled voice, dimly aware of the fact that Katie was sitting next to her and making noises roughly equivalent to a landed carp.
"Come away with me!" he insisted, standing up abruptly and pulling her into his arms. "We'll go far away and be together forever!" He lifted her from the wheelchair and held her bridal style, close to his chest.
"What? Where the hell are you taking me? Let me go!" Annora struggled to break free.
"I'll take you wherever our love guides us, Annie!"
"Will you stop calling me that?" she snarled.
Envy made toward the door, ignoring her protests. Just as he had reached the threshold, however, another figure appeared, not in the doorway, but in the window.
Sun glittered off the figure, sending little rainbows across the room like a sparkly crystal disco ball.
"Stop," said the new intruder as he came gracefully through the window. He spoke in a voice that sounded as if he was used to random women falling in love with him whenever he opened his mouth to speak. It wasn't as romantic as it sounds; Annora gagged.
"What?" Envy dropped her on the ground, causing the girl to let out a pained, and very indignant, yelp. "Who are you?" He rounded on the newcomer.
"I am Cullen. Edward Cullen," he said with a pompous shake of his head. "And I am here to claim the woman I love."
Annora stared in avid horror at the amber-eyed figure in her living room before she started to drag herself away from the scene. She had no intention whatsoever of staying in the same room as those two nutters. Katie, on the other hand, was gaping at Edward with the air of one who had just seen the second coming of Christ.
"He… he is real," she breathed reverently before she shot up to her feet. "Edward, take me with you!"
He hardly looked at her, pulling her out of his way and carefully setting her aside as he advanced on Annora. "You…you are like…her. I've never been the same since she overdosed on Ambien. Who would have thought she was so emo she'd kill herself when her life started working out for her?" He shook his head and continued in as bright a voice as a vampire could manage, "But that's all over. I know who I love now. Annora, marry me!"
She let out a gasp, but only because he had pulled her into his arms and was squeezing the breath from her. "Annora, you are as delicious as a charbroiled hamburger with mushrooms on it! Say you will be mine!" He looked down at her with eyes that swam with emotion as he added, "I no longer have any qualms about turning helpless women into vampires. I am in tune with my controlling, over-protective, foppish self! You won't be sorry! I always look good in tight pants!"
"Uh, no, how about you piss off and leave me the hell alone?" Annora managed to force out as she tried ineffectively to shove the inhumanly strong vampire away from her. "Sorry, but I draw the line at necrophilia."
The sound of Envy growling low in his throat behind them caught Edward's attention, and he glanced over at the homunculus before he lifted up his nose in a dismissive gesture.
"Back off, you worm!" Envy snarled furiously. "She's mine!"
It was just then that Katie piped up in a musing tone, "Wait, wait, wait, I didn't realize that vampires could overdose on Ambien. I mean, Bella was a vampire after all, wasn't she?"
Edward shrugged. "Does it matter? I have her now!" he declared with altogether too much enthusiasm. Annora felt sure she'd have finger-shaped bruises on her arm and leg where Edward gripped her tightly against him. He was quite possessive.
"Dude, I suggest that you let me go, right now," she growled as she glanced over at the vampire, shifting enough in his arms so that she could look him in the eyes. "Otherwise, so help me God, I will break off that sparkly arm of yours and stuff it so far up your marble Casper-white ass that you'll be able to flip people off with your mouth!"
He smiled at her in a very infuriating way. "I am quite certain that is impossible while you are still human. Of course, you are welcome to try if it will help you relieve some of the stress of my proposal. I understand if it is a bit too much to take in all at once. I apologize, but my love for you is too great for me to keep hidden!"
A look of absolute disgust crossed the girl's face as she tried to wriggle out of Edward's arms. "Dude, it's not hidden, it's not even there!"
"Nonsense. My love for you burns as brightly as the sun!"
It was at that moment that Katie decided to pipe up once again. "Well, I don't know about his love, but his pants certainly are happy." After a moment, she added, "You know… I wonder how that even works with vampires… Gross."
"That's enough!" Annora managed to wriggle out of Edward's grasp for the sole reason that Envy had suddenly attacked the young, dreadfully handsome vampire (that wasn't Annora's opinion).
It was at that moment that a young man – probably somewhere around the same age as Annora's cousin, Kit – came down the stairs, his droopy purple eyes narrowing slightly as he looked between the vampire and the homunculus.
"What the hell is going on down here?" he growled, the tone of his voice indicating that if he didn't receive a satisfactory answer, someone was going to die.
Slowly.
Annora's eyes widened as she recognized her cousin's boyfriend before she let out a sigh of relief.
"Sanzo!" The man looked over at her – and her rather precarious state – before he frowned, his eyes narrowing underneath a mop of blonde hair.
"Who the hell are they?" he demanded, jerking a thumb irritably over at Edward and Envy. Annora shrugged slightly before she offered the older man a sheepish grin.
"Crazy people?"
Sanzo let out an annoyed sigh as he reached up and massaged the bridge of his nose, muttering something under his breath about them being 'worse than that damn cockroach'. Envy scowled up at the other man before he took a step forward and sneered defiantly.
"Are you here to abduct my love as well?"
Sanzo stared flatly at him for a few seconds before he pulled a Smith and Wesson pistol out from the waistband of his jeans and shot the homunculus right between the eyes. A strange ringing sound accompanied the gunshot, and Envy wavered unsteadily for a second before he dissolved into a heap of black dust/goo. Annora relaxed visibly at the sight of at least one of her harassers being eliminated.
"Idiot," the man grumbled as he shook his head. Edward seemed to take the fact that Envy had been shot first as a sign of acceptance, because he chose to sweep Annora up into his arms once again, hugging the startled girl close to his cold chest as he did so.
Unfortunately, Sanzo seemed to be strongly disinclined to agree with him, seeing as he fired off another shot at the vampire, drilling a hole right in the middle of Edward's perfect white forehead. Annora landed flat on her backside as all of Edward's limbs went slack, and he seemed to stagger drunkenly for several seconds as he glared angrily at the other man before he dissolved into a pile of glittery dust. The pile of sparkly dust lingered there for a second before it was swept away by a strong wind that came through the broken front door.
"Everywhere I go, there are idiots," Sanzo growled as he shook his head before he looked over at Katie, who was still standing in the middle of the room with a horrified look on her face. "You. Girl," he jabbed a finger in her direction before he indicated over towards Annora. "Help her back into the wheelchair, and then get this mess cleaned up."
With that statement, he spun around on his heel and stalked back up the stairs to help Kit finish with packing up Annora's things.
This is what happens when rabid fangirls start dictating to me how I should write my stories. If you can't take it seriously, good for you. If you can, or wish to try, good luck.
For those of you who don't take this seriously, I hope that you got a few laughs from this.
By the way, for all of you Twilight fans, I take the entire Twilight series about a seriously as everyone else takes this post. Please do not flame me about the defamation of Edward's character, because you will not like the results.
This is all pretty much crack, so don't take this seriously.
