Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.

A/N-A short chapter… and maybe a bit angsty.

Once again, L&F was updated with S&S, and once again, there will be duplicate scenes altered to fit the L&F AU. If you read both, I would suggest reading S&S first.

My poor beta has been working her fingers to the bone, so this chapter is once again unbeta'd, so all mistakes, grammatical and otherwise, are my own.

As always, many thanks and lots of hugs to Dannie, this wouldn't be here without her.

"**~~**"

Never Told You

Location: Hell (Agony)

"**~~**"

"I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in." –Colbie Caillat

"**~~**"

A blinding white light streaked across my face and my eyes shot open. Panicking I was swerving into oncoming traffic, I bolted up straight and grabbed the wheel. For an instant, my heart swelled, thinking everything was okay, that I wasn't alone, that I hadn't left. Then I looked to my right and saw the passenger seat that had been filled by her presence for weeks empty.

Only a second later, the swelling turned to a painful ache as reality hit me.

I was alone.

I had left.

I would no longer stand in their way, no longer between them. They were free to live their lives, exploring what they could have had had I never been there, as if I had never existed.

My tired eyes adjusted to the dark and I realized I was sitting in the parking lot of a truck stop. One I didn't even remember pulling in to. It had been the first time I had slept in over two days. After delivering her to his arms, I had just driven as fast and as long as I could until I found myself almost running off the highway in a place I didn't recognize. I didn't even know what state I was in, much less what town. Apparently, I still had some sense as I must have pulled into the next truck stop and parked, finally allowing my eyes, long since dry but swollen heavily from the crying, to close.

As soon as they did, I saw her, standing on the porch, smiling at me before she entered. The tears started and in the dead silence of the cab, with the windows up, I had wailed as the agony overcame me once again. As it had traveled throughout my body like a parasite eating me from the inside out, I tried to fight it, clawing at it uselessly to drag it out of me. It remained, solid and powerful.

On both sides of my truck, engines purred loudly and lights entered and left my cab repeatedly as big rigs pulled in and parked. Drivers with nicknames like Big Bear and Red Duke turned in one after the after the other to fuel up, eat, or sleep. No one ever knew anyone's real name. Truck stops were places of animosity, no questions asked no matter how shitty you looked. It was just the type of place I needed to be. When I reached over to the glove box for my wallet, I saw the cactus smiling up at me from the floor in front of the passenger seat. After I had tossed my phone out the window, I had been tempted to do the same with the singing cactus, but as I had held it out the open window, I accidently pressed his button and he began singing. I couldn't bring myself to let it go and ended up throwing it forcefully onto the floor out of my line of vision. Pulling my wallet out of the glove box, I counted what little cash I had and got out of the truck. Every muscle in my body was stiff and sore, each one protesting as I slowly walked into the small diner. After using the restroom, I found a stool at the end of the counter…away from everyone.

The waitress came over put a mug in front of me. "Coffee?" I nodded. "Black?" I nodded again. "Talkative fella, ain't ya?"

Shrugging, I took the cup as soon as she was done pouring it and took a sip. It was tasteless, but hot and caffeinated.

"What can I get for ya, sweetheart?" she asked and I cringed at her words.

I wanted to tell her not to call me that, that I was no one's fucking sweetheart.

"Just coffee," I said, not surprised when my voice was rough. They were the first words I had spoken since leaving her.

"If you change your mind, give me a yell," she said before walking off. I was on my third cup when two older men came and sat a few stools down from me. The waitress came over, poured their coffee and took their orders. Hanging my head, letting my dirty hair fall over my eyes, I tried to ignore them.

"How much longer you got?" one asked the other.

"I should be home in about four days, have one more delivery and then a pick up before I can head back to Kansas. You?"

"I just started, at least two weeks still," he took a sip of his coffee, "but damn I miss her and the kids already."

"I know what you mean, Helen and I are like teenagers when I get back from a trip. Just lock ourselves in the bedroom for days on end."

The other chuckled, "How long you been married?"

"It'll be twenty years next month," he answered proudly.

"I hope we make it that far," he sighed, then reached into his pocket. "Have I showed you a picture of little Jenny yet?" He opened his wallet to reveal the image of a baby. "Two months yesterday."

"She's beautiful. You're third?"

"Fourth."

"Sounds like you're busy when you get home as well," the other laughed. "I don't know what I would do without Helen. She keeps me grounded. All the days on the road, the late nights, I just picture her and it's all worth it. Her smile, her glow…nothing like lifelong love."

"Yeah I know what you mean. Patty is the most wonderful thing. I don't know what I'd do without her and the girls in my life."

Sighing, I got up and left money on the counter. Luckily, I made it to the door of the diner before the tears began to fall again. By the time I reached the truck, my vision was so blurry I had a hard time getting the keys into the lock, barely making it inside the truck before I began sobbing.

It just wouldn't fucking stop.

Those men had spoken of things I would never know. There would be no life long love for me. I had left my heart on the doorstep of their house and it would never belong to another. What scared me, even more than the pain I felt at that moment, was knowing that my future was bleak, that my best times were behind me and the darkest moments were still ahead. I had no where to go but down, and I had little hope of my heart and soul surviving the decent.

As the clock on my dash ticked off the hours, I felt the talons of despair begin to release their hold on me, and while my surrender to the darkness was anything but sweet, I was able to pick my head up off the steering wheel and take a deep, but not cleansing, breath. Even as I felt my heart being wretched from my body, I started the truck and drove back out onto the highway.

I drove fast, but no speed was enough to chase the thoughts from my head. Just being in the fucking truck, surrounded by her faint scent was enough to pull me unwillingly back into fresh pain. It was like a wound, seeping crimson blood and being in the truck was like constantly pouring salt on it. Looking over at her seat, I saw her there, her head tossed back as the sun warmed her skin. Her lips parted in a smile as she shook her head at something ridiculous I had said. Her voice was soft, soothing, coaxing.

She called me Hale.

Quickly changing lanes, I came to a screeching halt on the side of the road. Not even turning the truck off, I got out and ran to the passenger side just as my stomach heaved up its empty contents. Spasm after spasm, my muscles forced up nothing but bitter bile and self hatred as I fell to all fours. Saliva trailed from my mouth as the tears welled in my eyes for a seemingly endless amount of time. Gradually, my stomach returned to the emptiness I had become familiar with since leaving and I exhaled. Feeling the worst of it was over, I sat back on my heels and wiped my mouth before spitting on the ground that had been darkened by my tasteless coffee. I berated myself for my weakness as I put a palm on the side of the truck and pulled myself upright. Folding my arms on the edge of the bed and laying my forehead on them, I caught my breath while waiting for the blue to turn to black, to let me into the void of numbness instead of the ache I felt. I made my way to the driver's side and climbed back in, resting my head against the seat for a minute before merging back out onto the highway.

The miles passed, the towns went flying by as I kept my foot on the gas and eyes on the road, refusing to look at the empty seat next to me. I should have known better than to have let her memories assault me, but it was like wild horses dragging me back into a happiness too recent. Maintaining my focus, I concentrated on the road, my tires eating the white dashes under me as I put more and more distance between us.

"**~~**"

When I couldn't drive anymore, I took an exit and found a grungy hotel. After checking in, I went to the room and stripped out of my clothes and got into the shower. The scalding hot water reddened my skin as I absently washed my hair and lathered up. Once I was done, I got out, dried off and finally put on clean clothes. Disappointed when I realized there was no liquor bar in the room, I grabbed my wallet and left. I walked into the small office, which was actually someone's living room, and rang the bell on the counter. The woman that had checked me in walked over.

"I need a bar," I stated.

"There's one down less than an eighth of a mile on the left, O'Reilly's," she replied, pulling the cigarette from her mouth.

"I need one that doesn't…."

"Check IDs?" she assumed and I nodded. "You look like you could use it. I know Ryan, the bartender; I'll give him a call and tell him a friend of mine needs some liquid refreshment."

For the first time in days, I smiled, grateful of her understanding and said thanks before I headed out the door. Leaving the truck behind, I walked to the bar, hoping that when I was done I wouldn't be in any shape to drive.

It was a small bar with a few men sitting on the wooden stools in front of the long counter. Hesitantly, I sat down near the farthest end and waited for Ryan to wait on me.

"Shelia's friend?" he asked as he approached.

"Yeah."

"What can I get for you?" He tossed a cocktail napkin in front of me.

"Jack, straight," I requested. Nodding, he turned and grabbed a fifth before filling a glass half way with the amber alcohol. As it burned my throat going down, I pursed my lips and readied myself for the next gulp. Two glasses later, my body felt heavy, my head hanging low, my thoughts mixing and blending together as the alcohol began to have an affect.

While I had wished the whiskey to chase away my thoughts of her, they only made them clearer. There was no numbness I had been hoping for, only images of her telling me how stupid I was being by trying to drink her out of my life and chase away her memories with booze. I could almost feel her sitting next to me with a look of disgrace on her face as she shook her head in pity. When she spoke her voice was higher than I remember.

"Hey, cowboy," she said. "You look like you could use a friend tonight."

Swallowing, I turned my head toward her, surprised when I saw blond hair and a scantily clad body. Her hand went to my shoulder, her long fingernail traced the shell of my ear. Cringing, I pulled away from her touch.

"Leave me alone," I mumbled, bringing the glass back to my lips. She ran her hand down my arm, over my tattoo to my wrist.

"Aw, cowboy, let me help you forget about her," she suggested, leaning to me, she continued in my ear. "My name's is Michelle, and if you take me home, I guarantee you'll be calling it out instead of hers."

Nodding to the bartender, he refilled my glass and Michelle ordered something for herself.

"Michelle is it?" I turned my head to her. "I guarantee I won't be taking you home," I sneered.

She smiled and moved her hand from my arm to my thigh, stroking it. While my mind told me to walk away, my whiskey logged body won the battle and I stood up. Swaying a bit as I grabbed her hand, I yanked her off her stool and dragged her to the women's room. Closing the door behind me, I locked it and turned to her. With a wicked grin on her face, she wrapped her arms around me, lifting her lips to mine. I took her hands from my neck and stepped back.

"No kissing," I instructed as I began to undo my belt and jeans. Her disappointment faded quickly when she realized what I was doing and she dropped to her knees before me, her hands helping my unsteady ones pulling my jeans and briefs down over my ass, releasing my hardening cock as her red stained lips went around the head, sucking eagerly. I refused to look at her, my eyes closed as I felt her hands travel around to my ass, groping it as she pulled me deeper into her mouth. Groaning, I bucked my hips and lay my chin on my chest. My jaw clenched as she bobbed her head up and down my length. When she moaned, my body stiffened with reality. Opening my eyes, I fisted her blond hair and pulled her off me. Confused she looked up at me.

"What's wrong?"

Everything.

Disgusted with myself, I let her go, quickly tugged my pants up. Without a second glance, I zipped them and turned for the door. After leaving money for my tab on the bar, I walked out. I stumbled my way back to the hotel and unlocked my door. The room was dark except for a slight glow of moonlight through a small window. Standing at the end of the bed, I stared at it.

I saw us spooning, her waking up in my arms, her smile as she teased me about my morning wood. I saw her biting her lips as she had attended to my wounds.

I saw…us, together.

I couldn't sleep in it alone.

"Fuck," I mumbled as I grabbed my bag and headed for the truck. Unlocking it, I got in and closed the door. Lying down across the seat, I used my bag for a pillow and closed my eyes just as the first of many tears fell.

"**~~**"

Three days later, I was still driving with no idea where I was going. I just drove, passing through towns, cities, and some pretty fucking rural areas. Places rarely seen by anyone but those like me…without a destination. Stopping only for gas, caffeine, or a bathroom, I hadn't eaten anything solid since before dropping Bella off. My stomach churned with the very thought of food. I hadn't slept since the night in the bar. In fact, I never wanted to close my eyes again. Even when I blinked, flashes of her sleeping next to me, laughing, dancing and swaying her hips pierced my mind. I was tortured by images of her kissing me, her hands tangled in my hair, her lips moist and soft on mine.

The feelings of grief, guilt, anger, and selfishness had been through me like a kaleidoscope. Each one had taken up a residence in my soul several times during my driving. With each thought I had, the emotion changed, wearing me down even more, pulling me into an abyss to deep to crawl out from. Grief had been the strongest, its hold on me powerful and unforgiving, often stealing my breath when I least expected it. I had lost people in my life before. As a child, both set of my grandparents had passed away. Then we moved and I lost Peter. But those losses had been as a result of something beyond my control such as illness, old age, and my father's employment. What I had done, voluntarily leaving, had been entirely in my control, and that made the grief even worse. While it was my fault I was suffering to begin with, I also had the power to end it.

I just had to turn around.

The guilt for the way I had left was almost as painful as the sadness. When the guilt was washed away by the next emotion, my last thoughts were always that I hoped they could forgive me, that someday they would understand why I had done it.

Anger and frustration had been the intense emotions that had led me to seek out the failed attempt of comfort from another. I was angry with myself for never having spoken up. All the miss opportunities I had had to confess my love and I had let them slip away in the wind. And now… it was too late.

One by one I considered my options in the rare moments of clarity I had. I could return to my parents with my tail between my legs, asking for a place to stay in Forks until I could get my life together. The Major would not be happy, and possibly refuse my request, telling me I had to grow up and be a man. But my mother would look at him with her blue eyes and he would cave, all the while giving me the disappointed glare I had grown accustomed to.

Returning to the university was also an option, I could attempt to get in a campus dorm. Though I would have to room alone because the idea of a roommate made me sick.. The campus was huge and I knew their schedules, their classes; I could manage to avoid them with some effort.

I could keep driving, ending up some fucking place in the middle of nowhere, finding a job and making the best of a non-existent life.

Or I could go their house. Crawling on my hands and knees, begging for a forgiveness I didn't deserve. Neither of them would grant it quickly. Fuck, I missed Edward. I needed him so much, his advice, his comfort, his friendship. He would be angry with me for scaring them, for leaving without word or reason.

She would…hate me.

After all, I had broken the vow we had made to each other the summer after graduation. Bella had made us promise that we would 'never split up, never leave one another behind, to always be together, no matter what happened'. Even though I had pledged my loyalty to them that night when I covered their hands with my own, I had left them.

I had left them.

The words were so final, so desolate.

With each mile I was on the road, I considered the choices, my mind always returning to the desire to go back home, that pull they both had on my life was undeniable. Every time I stopped, even at a red light or stop sign, I had to fight the urge to turn around. The highway, without stoplights, was my savoir in preventing me from acting on the need to return to them. It would have been so easy.

A beeping alerted me that I was low on gas. I dreaded stopping but took the next exit a few miles later and pulled into a small gas station. Glancing around the parking lot, I saw a lot of license plates from Nebraska and Kansas, leading me to believe I was near the border of one of those states. I went inside the small convenience store and grabbed a few waters from the cooler before going to the counter, avoiding the isle with Sno-balls.

"Fifty on pump four," I said. Putting the waters on the counter, I looked around for a newspaper, hoping to find out where I was. When I didn't see any, I was forced to ask. "What state is this?"

"State?" the cashier asked ringing in my waters. Nodding, I slid my money across the counter. "Well, you're a bit less than two hundred miles north of Kansas in Silver Creek," she answered as she took my money and gave me change.

"I'm in Nebraska?"

"Oh, sorry, yes, Nebraska."

"Do you have a bathroom?"

"Outside, around the corner to the left. You don't need a key."

I took the waters and went back to the truck to pump the gas. When I was done, I pulled into a parking space and went into the bathroom wondering how the hell I had gotten to Nebraska and hadn't realized it. Vaguely, I had remembered passing through a few states, apparently criss-crossing my way across half a dozen of them. Knocking before I pushed the heavy steel door opened, I was glad to see it was for only one person. Over the past few days I had been in my share of public restrooms, usually running in and out quickly, avoiding my reflection in the dirty mirrors. I used the toilet and went to the sink to wash my hands, making sure to keep my head down.

There was no way I could look as bad as I felt.

Slowly, I lifted my eyes to my reflection.

I had been wrong, I could look as bad as I felt. I looked like fucking shit. Uneven scruff covered my jaw, my eyes were bloodshot, and the area under them was puffy from the crying and dark from lack of sleep. My tanned skin had paled and looked gaunt, greasy hair was plastered to my head and my tee shirt had certainly seen better days. My lips were dry and chapped from dehydration and the constant gnawing on them with my teeth to try to stop the fucking tears.

I still hurt.

Curiously, I slowly pulled my tee shirt up to my shoulders. I ran a finger hesitantly down the center of my chest.

It didn't make sense.

My chest was fine; it was in one piece, unmarred on the outside. The gaping hole I felt there was completely invisible to the naked eye. I squinted and looked harder at my image, trying to see the cracked heart that barely beat underneath my flesh. Other than being in some serious need of sleep and a shower, physically I looked fine.

All of my scars were on the inside and hurt more than anything I had done to the outside.

I dropped my shirt and turned the water on, washing my hands before splashing some cold water on my face. I rested my palms on the side of the sink staring at the water running down the drain. Just like my life, circling the drain, just waiting to flow into nothingness.

The pounding on the door broke me from my trance.

"Just a minute," I called out. I turned the water off and opened the door.

"Sorry, the ladies room is broken and I can't make until the next stop," she explained. I stood there, staring at her. She was petite with long brown hair tied back, her big brown eyes pleaded with me to hurry as she bounced back and forth from one foot to the other. She looked just like her, same build, hair color, eyes…even the way she crossed her legs in her need was familiar.

When I didn't move from the doorway, she spoke again "Do you mind? I really have to go…" she motioned behind me.

"Oh, yes. Of course, sorry," I apologized and held the door for her as she walked past me. Digging my keys out of my pocket, I walked with my head down, staring at the pavement as I hurried to my truck. I needed to get the truck and get the fuck out of there before I lost it. A car's tires squealed and my head snapped up and what I saw stopped me in my tracks.

The very thing I had spent days avoiding was right in front of me.

I hadn't seen one in a long time but it called to me like nothing else. The security it could provide me, the small space warmed by the midday sun. While my hand rested in my pocket on my keys, my fingers unconsciously searching for what I needed. Before I knew it, I was standing inside, the glass dirtied with greasy handprints surrounding me as I picked the receiver up off the lever and dropped the change into the slot one coin at a time. Without actively thinking of it, my trembling fingers hesitated over each number; numbers that could give me all I hoped; all I ever needed. Those numbers held my fate. They were hard to make out through the tears streaming down my face.

It rang.

I took a deep breath.

"Hello?" the voice was soothing, just like I knew it would be; just how it always had been. At the sound, I began to cry harder, my shoulders shaking. I leaned my forehead against the glass, exhaustion taking over my body. I ran a hand through my hair and attempted to regain control of myself. I didn't want her to hear me that way. "Jasper? Is that you?"

Instead of answering, I gasped, my breath quivering, her voice was a salve on the cracks on my broken heart.

"Please, Jasper…is it you?" she begged for an answer I wasn't sure I could provide.

I struggled to find my voice, when it came out it was weak and shaky.

"Bella….please…" I whispered before breaking into sobs as I hung the phone up and ran as fast as I could back to my truck. Sitting there, in the former sanctuary of the cab, I had a sudden calmness spread over me. The singing cactus on the floor caught my eye and I leaned over to pick it up. I dusted it off and put it back on the dashboard.

Hearing her voice had helped me realize what I needed to, where I need to be.

I needed my heart to be safe and sound.

I needed to be home.

"**~~**"

Less than twenty-four hours later, I pulled up in front of their house. After having driven almost straight through, I had followed the GPS directions, only stopping twice for gas and a bathroom. I wasn't sure I wanted them to see me dirty and worn, but something told me they wouldn't care, that their anger would overshadow any bad hygiene of mine. I took a few deep breaths, collecting myself before I opened my door and got out. I felt uncomfortable, the house both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Frightened of their possible reactions, their possible rejection at my return, I began to tremble and have second thoughts. What if they didn't want me back? What if what I had done was so horrific, they wanted nothing to do with me? I worried about what I was going to tell them, where I had been...and most importantly why I had left.

My heart raced, beating harder than it had since the day I had left that driveway. All the lights were out as I walked up the steps, I didn't even know what time it was but it must have been late. They were probably in bed together, spooning naked after having made love. Even though I could, it felt wrong to just walk in. Biting my lip nervously, I knocked and waited and doubted, listening for signs of life on the other side of the door. Just as I had given up hope and began to turn around, the door swung open.

He stared at me with a look of shock on his face.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~