Chapter 3 – Cute But Confident

A/N:

Hey all!

I know it's been eons since I last updated I'm sooo sorry. BUT as a special treat I have something new and exciting for you… that's right! EDWARD POV!

I'm really excited about this chapter so I really hope you like it. I'm thinking about writing another chapter in EPOV but it will depend on the feedback I get on this chapter as well as many other scientific factors so please review. PLEASE!

ALSO, I co-wrote a fic for vjgm's Trust in Advertising crackfic contest with imperial violets. If you haven't read TiA you really should. I love it! You can read our crackfic ('You Think You Know… But You Have No Idea') and all the other great fics that were submitted in vjgm's community. Congrats to the winners! There were so many great entries. 

ALSO, I wrote yet another one-shot with imperial violets. It's the first in a series on oneshots we are going to be writing. The series is called The Chronicles of Closet Twihards and this first edition is called The Chronicles of Closet Twihards: Episode 1: Masturbating with Popcicles. You can find it on and I will be posting it here in my account (it's already under imperialviolets's name). So, go check it out!

I guess I should let you get on and read now…

Have fun!

& remember

I own nothing!

"Hey, Edward, when do we get to meet your girlfriend?" Emmett said as he got out of the Volvo.

I looked down at the crumpled, silver bit of metal in my hand that only moments ago had been a door handle. I hated the years when Emmett had to drive my car. It always gave him a false sense of superiority. Then again, if he had made me crush my steering wheel, I would have had to go for a joy ride in his new jeep. I'm sure the crash test rating is only a warning.

Alice made a weak attempt at reprimanding him while she tried to stifle a mental giggle. I appreciated her effort but the only thing I found even mildly comforting at that moment was the wave of patience Jasper sent towards me. It was nice to know he had such confidence in my ability to control my temper. Rosalie on the other hand was in no way attempting to hide her amusement.

"C'mon Emmett, she's human. He'smore likely to elope with Tanya. (We should be more worried about him getting hungry than falling in love.)"

It had been like that ever since they coaxed me into telling them about the incestuous, homoerotic fantasies I overheard at the grocery store. Emmett had started rolling on the floor, roaring with laughter to the point that the walls began trembling and I could hear animals fleeing from the general area surrounding our home. Jasper eventually calmed him down and I did my best to ignore the jokes constantly being made at my expense; none of which were overly creative. The worst part however was how Jasper spent the rest of the night sending waves of lust and desire at me whenever Carlisle walked in the room. I found myself unable to appreciate his sense of humor and after four hours and fifteen of Carlisle's appearances I retreated to my room where I reorganized my entire music collection alphabetically, then chronologically, and finally by catalogue number. It was a long night and, no matter how hard I tried, ignoring all the commotion beyond the walls of my room was about as successful as getting Alice to shop at Wal-Mart. It was going to take me years to live this down.

"Edward, what'll happen when you and human-girl go out for dinner? Will you watch her eat or do you think they'll bring in a mountain lion for you?"

"I suggest you stop talking, Emmett, before I decide to tell you all about the fantasies I heard while walking by the change rooms after your gym class yesterday. You might want to be a little more discreet in the showers next time."

Emmett had nothing to say for the first time in about eight long, long hours. He made his way around the car to open Rosalie's door however, with a look of satisfaction. Emmett is the only person I know who would consider my comment flattering.

Suddenly, as we were all getting out of the car, Alice made a gasp so small that it would have gone unnoticed by human ears. She immediately began an obvious attempt at trying to prevent me from reading her thoughts:

"(1+1 is 2, 2+2 is 4, 4+4 is 8, 8+8 is 16, 16+16 is 32…)"

"Alice, what did you see?" It was very rare for Alice to keep her visions secret from us. It was especially frustrating because she was making an effort to keep it from me specifically. The last time this happened we were in London and she saw a group of girls mistaking me for some small time English actor. I had to run from them and escape through the underground all while trying to maintain human speed. Everyone else thought it was hilarious.

I tried to make myself sound as casual as possible as I repeated my question but, to my dismay, she responded only with a smile, hopped out of the car, and began leading the others towards the school. Her thoughts still rang in my ears as I tried to hear the vision behind it.

"(1012 +1012 is 2036, 2036 +2036 is 4072, 4072 +4072 is 8144…)"

I slowly made my way through the crowded school towards my locker. My head felt like it was swimming in the thoughts of all the students lining the halls. I did my best to filter through it all, listening only for people who might be skeptical about our family. So far, there was only the usual physical attraction, wonder, and awe. I was even beginning to recognize certain voices and entertained myself by naming them.

"(Too young! Oh, get a hold of yourself he's a boy! Too young!)" Mrs. Cope. She was a sweet woman and I hoped for her sake that she would soon become accustomed to my family's presence.

"(All the girls look like they've just witnessed the second coming of Christ. When I walked down the hall this morning Sasha didn't drool at the sight of me. Maybe if I bulk up and dye my hair… How does he get his hair to stand on end like that?)" Mike. He was still practicing a 'Cullen-look' in his locker mirror.

"(They must be so lonely moving to a new town. Maybe I should go say hi…)" Angela. She was the only other person who had walked towards Jessica to offer help yesterday at lunch.

"(God, he's so hot. They don't make him like that in Forks. Normal people are not that beautiful. Maybe Miss J will ask him to model for our home-ec class? I wonder if he's opposed to partial nudity.)" This is when I would begin filtering. Nothing Lauren thought after this could possibly hold any kind of relevance to the wellbeing of my family.

I got to my locker, and as I reached for my copy of Pride & Prejudice, heard a familiar voice shooting off sports stats. I turned and saw Emmett with a monstrous, dimpled smile coming towards me. Before I could escape, he had grabbed me by the arm and was holding me in place by my locker.

"What are you doing? Let go of me."

"(1952 Topps, card #49. Johnny Sain. Pitcher: New York Yankies. Lifetime major and minor league pitching records: 278 games, 780 innings pitched, 711 hits, 352 runs…)"

"Emmett, seriously, this isn't funny. What are you doing?" Then it hit me. I knew exactly what he was doing. "Alice told you, didn't she? What's going to happen? Emmett!"

At that moment I saw Rosalie coming around the corner. She was blocking me by talking through the proper way to take apart and rebuild an engine in detail. Not far behind her were Alice and Jasper. Alice had gotten to 16 678 912 + 16 678 912 and Jasper was reciting Gone with the Wind word for word. I knew I was trapped, and the anticipation was beginning to really get to me when I heard it: a piercing voice that rose above all those of her peers repeating some kind of motivational philosophy.

"(Be cute but confident. cute but confident. Be cute but confident.)"

"Emmett, Alice, Rose… Jasper? C'mon, please? You don't understand. That girl is mentally unstable! This isn't funny! "

Of course Emmett completely disagreed with me. "Edward, that's exactly what this is- funny. And you even haven't seen the best part."

I tried to break free, but Emmett was too strong. I would never be able to get past him, Alice, Rosalie, and Jasper without causing a scene. Although I was definitely beginning to consider it.

"At least give me some warning. Please? Emmett, I will take your Jeep and drive it off a cliff if you don't-" I stopped mid-sentence after hearing the most frightening part of all. The high, determined voice seemed to echo in my head.

"(Be cute but confident. Trust the Cosmo. Cosmo never lies. Be cute but confident. Don't fall flat on your face. Be Cute but confident. Failure is not an option. Be cute but confident. You can do this. Be cute but confident. Seduce Edward Cullen.)"

I must have suddenly looked like a deer in headlights because Rosalie turned to me with an air of triumph and said:

"Here comes your girlfriend."

I turned and looked in the same direction as my other siblings. Then, I saw her. She was coming around the corner at the end of the hall. The other students seemed to part before her like the Red Sea as she made her way in my direction. She had dressed up in a miniskirt and high heels that made her walk like a newborn giraffe. Her makeup was much more elaborate than it had been the day before and the smell of her perfume was so strong I'm sure my eyes would have watered had I been able to produce tears.

"I think she's spotted you." Rosalie was absolutely glowing. "We'll give you two some privacy." And with that, they all turned around and walked in the opposite direction of Jessica, to Jasper's locker that was just around the corner and most definitely within their earshot.

I stood, glued to my spot on the floor, staring at the contents of my locker, listening as Jessica made her way towards me. Like our other meetings, Jessica's thoughts revolved mostly on the fact that she didn't know what to say, how she was possibly going to think of what to say, scolding herself for not knowing what to say, and my sex appeal. These were the times I wished vampires weren't so incredibly appealing to humans.

She finally made her way over to me. I could tell she was nervous and I didn't want to do anything that would make her feel more uncomfortable, but, at the same time, I wanted her to leave me alone, forever. I was trying to think of ways to politely make her leave when she made her first attempt at communication.

"(ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod) Hey, Edward. (ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod)" My head had already started to ache.

"Jessica. What a surprise." As I turned around to face her I was able to piece together from her scattered thoughts that she had practically memorized some kind of article full of dating tips she had found in an issue of Cosmo. What was even more frightening is that she talked about her Cosmo as though it were a person.

"Yeah… surprise!" She was on edge. I wasn't sure how she was managing to keep that monstrous smile on her face.

"(Okay, Jessica. You can do this. What did Cosmo say? Okay… Number 3: A-List outfit. Check. Number 8: a scent that oozes sex appeal. Check. Number 5: sky-high heels. Check. Alright, let's try number 10: stroke your lower neck to draw attention to your chest. Here goes…) So, how was your night? You know, after we ran into each other at the grocery store."

I was determined not to let my gaze stray from her face or the door of my locker. I couldn't decide which was safer so I found myself looking back and forth between the two. Thank God Emmett and the others couldn't hear everything passing through Jessica's mind. They wouldn't have stopped taking about it for the next century.

"My day? It was… agonizingly full of laughter."

"(… … Am I stupid or did that make no sense?) That's… nice? So, anyways. Your dad seemed really (yummy) nice… And your mom! Of course. (Nice, Jessica. Real smooth.)"

Just then, as I had expected, a booming laughter erupted in the distance. I was sure Emmett's voice could be heard loud and clear throughout the school. Amidst their less conspicuous laughter the others shushed him before the unnatural volume of his voice became painfully obvious. I could hear Emmett's thoughts almost as clearly as I had heard him laughing.

"(Dude! She totally wants you… AND Carlisle… TOGETHER! This chick is awesome!)" He's always had a way with words.

"Wow, your brother is, like, seriously loud. That must have been one hell of a joke. (There is no way a normal person can be that loud without a megaphone or something. Creepy.)"

"He's an opera singer."

"What!?" Emmett and Jessica said in unison. Although, Emmett's reaction was purely mental while Jessica's mouth was still hanging open, the question having burst from her mouth. She quickly caught herself and posed, resuming the stroking of her lower neck. I immediately turned back to my locker and tried to act as though I was absorbed in the pattern on the front of my science textbook. I could hear my family laughing and talking amongst themselves in disbelief.

"Yeah, he's really into opera. Loves it. It's been his dream for as long as I can remember to go professional. He's actually really good." Jessica still hadn't caught on as to why I had brought up opera. "That's why he's so loud. It's all the opera training."

"Oh. (I guess that makes sense. Wow. I never would have thought… wow.)"

I was desperate to get out of there before Jessica's brain combusted from too much thinking or Emmett decided to actually come over here to 'show me how loud he could make me sing'. Thankfully, Jessica had decided on a new approach at seduction. I would only have to endure a few more minutes of her company, then I'd have to find a way to avoid my audience, who were now restraining Emmett while Alice was narrating everything me and Jessica did using an Australian accent like something off the Discovery Channel.

"The human female, seen here in her natural habitat, has begun the human mating ritual. What she does not know is that the male whom she is attempting to attract is not human but of the rare vampire species. This particular breed of vampire chooses not to feed on humans. Nonetheless, they are predators, and therefore try to maintain emotional and physical distance from this other species. The human female continues to stroke the base of her neck evidently trying to draw attention to her modest chest. This strategy would work on most human men but is proving ineffective with the vampire male… Crikey! It seems the human female has changed tactics in this game of love and lust. She smiles at the male vampire and, after a heartfelt farewell, turns to leave. It can only be assumed that she has given up on drawing the male vampire's attention to her chest has decided to showcase her other female asset in a grand exit. Unfortunately, this particular example of the human species is entirely inexperienced and hopelessly amateur at this aspect of the mating ritual…" Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett – who had momentarily forgotten about his supposed opera training – were in fits of silent laughter while Alice continued to narrate from her position at the corner where two halls met.

Jessica had indeed decided to try 'Number 6' which consisted of flaunting her backside. She had spun around at such a speed before she began walking away that her hair whipped around (which was somewhat on purpose) and hit Eric in the face as he walked by. This caused him to stumble backwards into Angela who did not seem at all inconvenienced by Eric's sudden appearance in her arms.

This, as could safely be assumed by Jessica's history, was only the beginning. She walked down the hall in her ridiculous shoes with all the confidence and 'sexiness' she could muster. Unfortunately, this resulted in a wobbly 'strut' in which Jessica's hips swung absurdly from side to side to the point that she almost took down a few people who happened to be walking alongside her. All the while, she kept looking back at me trying to get my attention while she talked herself through a complex seduction maneuver.

"(And strut 1 2 3. And strut 1 2 3. And don't trip and break your face. And strut 1 2 3. And look back. And smile. And turn back. And strut. And swing your hips 'cause hips don't lie. And look back. And smile. And wink. And strut 1 2-)" WHACK!!

Jessica had been concentrating so hard on trying to wink at me that she hadn't noticed Mike's locker door that had been open directly in front of her. Just as she had gone to turn back around, her head made contact with the door, slamming it shut and sending a loud crashing noise echoing through the hall. Alice was laughing so hard it was a good thing she didn't have to breathe while everyone else was trying to get her to tell them what exactly had happened since her narration had abruptly stopped after the wink. Mike on the other hand thought Jessica had slammed his locker door shut on purpose as part of some dramatic entrance to get his attention.

"Oh, thanks, Jess. (Finally! A girl in here who isn't ass over tits for the Cullens!) You look good today." He said the last part with the new 'Cullen-look' he'd been practicing. It looked as though he was in a smoke filled room trying to figure out whether he recognized someone on the other side.

Jessica must have been seeing stars she hit her head so hard. I kept my distance and watched as she swayed back and forth. I pretended to be looking for another textbook in my locker. She was now leaning against the wall to try and disguise how she was clutching the side of her head where she had plowed into the locker. Still stunned by the impact, the wall was the only thing keeping her from falling over. Again, Mike was completely blind to the reality of the situation and saw this as yet another ploy to get his attention.

"No problem… just thought… you know… close it for you… thanks… you good too… any time… yeah?" The poor girl could barely put a sentence together she was still so shaken up. Even her voice sounded as though she had just woken up from a five year coma. As expected, Mike saw this as his doing as well. Someone really had to give this guy a lesson in humility, and the proper use of hair gel.

"(That's right. I'm so hot. Look at her all speechless and sexy leaning against my locker. She totally wants me.) Hey, why don't I walk you to class? (We can show these other girls what a real man is like. Not of this pretty boy Edward crap. I mean, hair shouldn't stand on end like that!)"

The first bell of the day rang through the school. I grabbed my things and headed off towards my first class, science. I decided to take a bit of a detour so that I could bypass Jessica, Mike, Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, and Mrs. Cope (she's a sweet woman but I think I might just accidently give her a heart attack one day).

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When I walked into the Forks High cafeteria, Emmett and Rosalie were already there. Alice had left with Jasper an hour earlier because he was beginning to feel uncomfortable around all the humans. He was making great progress, but still had trouble some days, especially when he hadn't eaten in a while. The rest of us could go just over two weeks without hunting, but Jasper's self-control wasn't quite as developed as ours.

I had just gotten back from a very long eighty minute massacre of classic literature. Miss Ridley had decided to get the class to read the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice aloud so I spent the entire class trying to drown out the class' painfully monotonous interpretation of the novel by thinking of a new ending for the composition I've been working on for Esme. It had been going well until Jessica started desperately trying to get my attention. It's very hard to ignore someone who keeps screaming your name in their head, dropping (or in this case it could be more appropriately be called throwing) their pencil on the floor at your feet so they can dramatically pick it up, and sending 'R' rated images about yourself, themselves, and your father at you. As I said, it was a very long eighty minutes.

I had just sat down and was contemplating changing the last three bars on my composition when Rosalie interrupted my train of thought. She had called my name in her head, immediately getting my attention, as she turned to look me in the eye. Suddenly my mind was swimming in images of Carlisle and I in a large canopy bed feeding each other grapes. I quickly blocked her thoughts and tried to erase the lingering images of Carlisle stroking my bare chest from my memory. I had flinched as soon as I had seen her thoughts and she was now staring back at me, incredibly pleased with herself.

We looked at each other for a long while understanding that I was telling her to stop and she was daring me to make her. Emmett on the other hand was completely oblivious to our threats and continued to occupy himself by throwing bits of his lunch at various unsuspecting students on the other side of the cafeteria. Rosalie and I finally broke eye contact when a familiar and daunting laugh could be heard coming from a girl bursting into the cafeteria with Mike Newton.

Immediately she spotted me on the other side of the room and, unfortunately, I wasn't able to look away in time. She was now monologue to herself about how I 'must, like, totally love [her], like, omagod!'. I looked away from her and towards Emmett who was forming some kind of mash-potato-mystery-meat grenade. However, looking away isn't always the answer when you can read minds. The entire scene was still playing in my head. It was, thankfully, somewhat choppy from my attempts at blocking it from my mind but, since Rosalie was determined for me to see Jessica, it seemed impossible to shut it out from my head entirely. I loved Rosalie but sometimes I really wished I could hit her perfect little face without unleashing the wrath of Emmett.

Just then, my phone vibrated with a text from Alice.

Edward Cullen don't you dare hit anyone!

Of course.

I looked up and saw Jessica on the other side of the room still desperately trying to get my attention by dramatically flipping her hair and flirting with Mike. It's too bad she didn't realize I wasn't going to get jealous of her and a hormonal teenage human boy.

My phone vibrated again.

Aw, I think it's sweet. Be nice.

What was Alice talking about?

Then it happened. Jessica turned around, looked directly at me and blew me a kiss. A big kiss. I felt my stomach, that hadn't so much as growled in hunger for decades, churn.

Rosalie turned back to me with an air of self-satisfaction.

"Crikey."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I spent the rest of the lunch period and most of science class trying to block either Jessica's fantasies or Rosalie's tormenting thoughts. Luckily, Jessica's mind was slightly more tame and innocent than Rosalie's but I'd still like her to understand that if my mouth was that close to her neck it would result in something far worse than hickeys.

The car ride home wasn't much better although it concentrated on Emmett's opera singing and how that was a 'no go zone'. He was seriously angry that I had made those comments to Jessica but he didn't realize the situation he put me when he lost control and laughed so loudly. As for his thoughts of beating in my face until it looked like roast beef, well I would have liked to see him try.

The family spent the first part of that afternoon playing Pac-Man and making plans for our next hunting trip. Alice had said the sun would be out tomorrow so we would be able to go 'camping'. Personally, I was looking forward to getting away from Jessica Stanley for a day. That girl was really getting on my nerves and I didn't know how much longer I'd be able to be patient and control my temper.

Just then Carlisle walked in and I was hit with what felt like a brick wall of desire. All the images of Carlisle that Rosalie and Jessica had been thinking throughout the day suddenly flashed through my mind. It took a minute or so, but the feelings and the images eventually passed and I was able to redirect my focus to Carlisle. Lucky for me in reality he was wearing significantly more clothing. Obviously Jasper hadn't tired of his latest form of entertainment.

"I'm off to work. Rosalie, are you ready?"

"Yes. Just let me grab my purse."

"I'll meet you in the car."

I could already see Rosalie and Jasper doing their rounds in the hospital in Alice's mind. Rosalie was in her usual candy striper uniform and hanging around the maternity ward per usual. Carlisle was making his way efficiently from patient to patient in the Emergency Room which, at first, seemed entirely normal until I got a glimpse of his next patient: Jessica Stanley. My eyes quickly met Alice's.

"(She's practically stalking us Edward.)"

"I know. She's getting too close. It's not safe."

Rosalie had gotten her purse and was now standing by the door watching the exchange between me and Alice. She understood immediately, and I could hear her mind racing to think of a way to distance Jessica from ourselves. No matter how much she frustrated me at times, her dedication to her family was truly admirable.

"Don't worry." She said, "I'll handle it."

And she left.

A/N:

I hope you liked it!

I've started on chapter 4 so it should be here shortly.

It's called The Doctor Is In… 

Please review. I love it!

Until next time…