Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.
DUDES, sorry for the delay. I'm having a few rough weeks. I'm not sure when I can update again, sorry
-Kathrine
(Language for warning)
Keep Moving
Cigarette Please
I woke to the soft hand of Ruth. She was caressing my face in my bedroom. The light was dime from the setting sun, giving her a beautiful glow. For a moment I panicked, forgetting where I was. She soothed me with her voice, telling me everything was fine. Ruth kept shushing me, like something was wrong. It was at that moment that I realized that I was crying. Once I sucked in the weeping sound coming from my mouth, Ruth stood from the side of my bed. Gingerly she shut the door, then turned the light on. With some effort, I sat up as she sat next to me.
Absently, I wiped my wet face with my shirt. Ruth patted my knee supportively. With perplexed eyes, I spoke.
"Why was I crying?" she shrugged.
"I don't know. Your brother's told me you fell asleep so they put you in here. I was coming in to wake you, I want to talk to you about the other night at work. Lora already told me something's that happened. She also told me you were very unemotional about the whole thing. I want to know how you really doing."
"Ruth, I don't really like to think about my emotions. Thinking just makes me throw them up on everyone." I said leaning against the wall.
"It's okay to be emotional. It's okay to express you emotions, Lucy. Do you remember what happened when emotions are not expressed?" rolling my eyes at her, I answered.
"They get so bottled up that the littlest of things makes you erupt like a volcano, I know. But I don't like to express what I'm feeling Ruth…"
"I know that. To help you get used to the fact that you must express your emotions, I will make you and your brothers an assignment. But first, what are your real feelings over the other night?" sighing, I took down my shield to let some emotions out.
Immediately, I felt unsafe. It was the feeling that I got when I was alone on the road, a feeling I never want to have again. I told this to Ruth, who told me it was because of the fight. She said that I keep fighting people. She said I protect people too often, I need to take care of myself for a change. But that's what I've been doing, right? She said that I shouldn't worry about the boys, or her, or Lora. Ruth told me to just chill for a few days, do nothing but have a good time. I agreed that a break would be nice, but I can't. My boys need me. Than I wasn't expecting this, but Ruth pulled my brothers into my bed room.
The three of them stood in a row, tallest to shortest. Darry was lightly smiling at Ruth, but he looked nervously at me once in a while. Soda had a curious smile plastered on his face. It wasn't long before he moved from the line to come and sit next to me. He swung an arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him, loving every moment of safety with my brother. Pony soon came and stood next to my twin and I, having an interested face on. I knew that face, he must have been reading when he was pulled in here.
"Okay, so I have some new rules." Ruth said with a smile.
"What do ya mean Ruthy?" Soda said, exchanging the gesture with her.
"I mean that this family has some homework to do. This will not only benefit Lucy, but everyone as well."
"Okay, shoot." Darry said, leaning on one foot.
"First off, I will know if anyone disobeys the rules. So don't bother trying to find a way passed them." we all nodded, waiting for her information.
"Okay. Every other day, the four of you will sit down and talk about each other's emotions. This means everyone will say how they are doing. How things are going with their relationships. What they are feeling towards each other. Than once everyone has been discussed, you will each say some constructive criticism to one another. At the end you will complement one another. I will know what's going on because you all will write down the discussions." Soda and Pony both groaned at the same time. Darry and I looked at each other with uninterested eyes.
"Not to be rude, Ruth, but why is this relevant?" Darry said leaning against the wall.
"It will help with communication, for one. Also, none of you seem to be comfortable to express yourselves. Sodapop does a little but not enough. It will help, I promise." she smiled at each of us before turning her attention back to me.
"Sorry Lucy but I have a special set of rules for you." I leaned farther into Sodapop.
"Why me?"
"Because you are having the most difficulty to tell people when something is wrong. Also because I feel that you will benefit with some more guide lines. Now I know you might not be happy with some of the rules, but it is for your own good. I know I'm not your parent or guardian…but." she looked over at Darry for a moment before turning back to me.
"But I do believe that I know you the best when it comes to your emotions. I know your fears and I know how you will most likely react to something's, so I have to take something's out of your life."
"Like what?" I was starting to become nervous about this whole rules thing. I'm sure that I can handle whatever I have to do, but I don't think I will agree with everything she is suggesting.
"First off." she walked over to my dresser, looking through my underwear quietly. I couldn't see what she pulled out as she moved on to underneath my bed. Ruth rummaged under there for a moment before going over to the closet. Before standing up straight, she retrieved something from the bottom on my closet. When she turned around, she held up three different switchblades. My bothers looked at me, surprised that I had more than one. I started to feel embarrassed and I was hoping that she would elaborate on why I had them scattered around my room. I bit my lip nervously as she explained the rules.
"I know that you are on edge and are a lot more cautious than before, but these need to go. No more switchblades until I say, understand.""But I need them for protection Ruth, I need them to protect my family. I need them for when I leave the house alone. You know why I need them here."
"Yes, but you need to get away from the fear that something will happen to you or your brothers. This brings me to another rule." I had stood up from my spot on the bed, feeling vituperated and embarrassed.
"Wait a minute, where the hell did you get all of theses Lucy? And why the hell are they all over your room?" Darry asked with authority in his voice.
"I've had them and I have them because I need them." I said confident in myself.
"Need them? Need them for what?" I didn't want to tell him, or anyone for that matter, that I am afraid. That I look over my shoulder a lot more than everyone realizes. I didn't want to admit that I'm scared of everyone getting hurt.
"Well?" Pony said, wondering just as much as Darry was.
"She's afraid." Ruth said like it was nothing. It wasn't nothing, it was everything. It was just another secret that I try to hid from the world. I'm afraid of everything. I'm anxious when I'm not with one of my brothers. I hate walking alone, I used to love it. Darry shook his head at me.
"You should know that we will protect you Lucy." I sighed, trying to take the feeling of being overwhelmed away.
"It doesn't matter. What are the other rules?" I asked quickly, trying to change the subject.
"This is good. The four of you can discuss this later." she smiled, clapping her hands together happily. I'm pretty sure that everyone in the room, except for her, rolled their eyes. Ruth continued on with her rules.
"Anyway, the second rule for you is that you must never leave the house without one of your brothers." that wasn't so bad, I didn't mind that much. It just gave me more opportunity to protect and watch over them.
"Ruth, don't you think that is a little extreme?" Soda asked."No, I don't. Something else you might not know about Lucy, is that she doesn't feel safe unless she is around one of you."
"What the hell Ruth?" I said, shaking my head with disbelief. "Quit telling them all my stuff.""Why don't you feel safe unless one of us is around you?"
"Its just a thing okay. I just need to get over it. But having them taxi me around wont help me, Ruth.""I didn't think about that. How about you can't leave the house alone? That sounds better." she said thinking about it for a moment.
"Where is all this fear coming from Luc?" Pony asked, sounding a lot older than he looks.
"Just stuff I haven't gotten over since I got back. It's not big deal." I said leaning over to Ruth.
"Oh stop." she shooed me away with her hand. "Also, I've already talked to Mickey and you work on a part time shift now. You wont be working nights ever again."
"The working nights things is just what I need, but I need to work full time. I need to help pay for everything."
"Too bad. You work too hard, just like Darry does. Speaking of which." she turned to Darry with a gentle smile.
He looked at her as if to say 'What the hell did you do?'. The serious, uninviting face that was given to Ruth was not affecting her in the least. She just widened her smile and patted him on the shoulder.
"Darry, I have quit your second job for you. I know that seems drastic, but you will be getting more money from the state now. The judge has arranged for that to happen so you don't have to work as hard as you want to be. No more over exertion for you." she shook her finger at him as he made a face at her.
"I'm a grown man Ruth, I think I can handle things myself."
"I was ordered to do it Darry. Not to mention, I was happy to do it." she turned back to me.
"One last thing before I go. This is probably the most important rule yet. You probably wont like it the most as well." she breathed a sigh looking at everyone's faces before continuing to tell me the rule that I would most likely hate.
"You from this moment forward…" she gulped slightly, backing up as well. Probably waiting for a bad reaction when she told me the horrible guide line. "Not allowed to see Dallas."
I felt my skin tingle. My face was hot as it creased into a giant grimace. Ruth quickly ducked behind Darry's large body, just incase I throw a few punches her way. It was hard not to, I clenched my fists at my side to hold myself back. Suddenly, I felt someone's hands on my shoulders. Sodapop was holding me down with both his hands. I was furious, but I wouldn't have take a hit on Ruth. Taking a large breathe, I spoke.
"Why the hell would I want to do that?"
"You focus on him too often. You need to focus on yourself, that's the important thing. I know you hate this rule because my mother put me under this rule when I was your age." she slowly came out from behind Darry.
"I don't see the point. Dally is someone that is helping me through all this stuff."
"Okay, but that's not the way I see it. The next time you can see him is in two weeks. I'll see your progress from there and determine whether you both can be together again or apart. I'm sorry dear." she could fell my anger as she slightly hugged me. I didn't hug back, I only let my arms swing by my sides.
"I don't believe this." I said into her hair.
"Believe it honey. Judge said I need to try something different with your family. It will benefit all of you, now why don't I order you guys some pizza on me? I'm afraid I can't stay for dinner but at least I can feed everyone."
I took a moment to look at my brothers, they didn't seemed too surprised by some of the rules. Darry's face was stern as he looked at the floor. His strong arms were crossed in front of his chest in an annoyed fashion. Pony seemed pretty open with everything. He still sat on my bed with his dreamy look. Soda stood behind me, looking like he was thinking very hard. Ruth was the first to leave the room. We all just stayed in my room, not really noticing she had left. I shook my head disapprovingly as she entered the room again.
"I ordered some food for you guys. Also I set the notebooks you will be writing in on the table. I would like everyone to start tomorrow, okay?" no one answered her. She just gave us hugs and kisses before leaving the house completely. Everyone was silent. So silent, that I could hear the silence. It was blasting into my ears, making them ring uncomfortably. I'm not sure how long we stood there, but it must have been a while. The door bell rang, signally that the pizza was here. The first one to move out of the room was Ponyboy. The three of us followed him into the living room. Absently, I sat on the couch.
I sat and stared at the air in front of me, still trying to make sense of everything. Why the hell did we have to have rules? Why couldn't I protect my family the way I wanted too? Why were decisions made for us? Why the fuck couldn't I see my boyfriend when I wanted too? I wonder if she told him that he wasn't aloud to see me. What if she made him upset, she probably did. That pisses me off that she would just come in here and do that. I know she is trying to help us out but this is going a little over board. This sucks, and I still don't understand it!
"Lucy. Lucy!" I looked over to see Ponyboy waving at me, trying to get my attention. "Pizza is here." he threw his thumb towards the table. All my brothers were seated there, staring at the notebooks that rested on the table top. They took bites of their pizza while glaring at the books filled with paper. Blank paper. Paper that was waiting to hear our innermost thoughts. I looked away from them, than back to the table. Darry motioned to me with his pizza.
"Come eat."
"I feel sick." I said with a gross voice. My stomach was playing games with me, telling me how over whelmed I am. Food was the last thing I wanted. Right now I wanted what I couldn't have, Dallas.
"Quit being a cry baby and come eat." Pony said annoyed. I stood up from where I sat. I glared at Ponyboy, really to unleash hell onto his ears.
"You shut your mouth kid." I shook my head at him. "You have no idea how I feel right now, so just leave me alone."
"It's just two weeks Lucy, not that big of a deal." I felt like hurling something at his head.
"Shut the fuck up, Pony." I said shaking my fist at him, immaturely. Before any of my brothers could say another word, I thrust myself at the door.
"I need some air. I'll be on the porch." I shut the door behind me. Immediately, I jumped onto the porch rail. As I sat there, I leaned into the beam holding up the porch. The light night breeze rested against my skin. It cooled me down, helping me think straight. I knew I was being childish, but I think I had a right to be. It's my life. My decisions. My mistakes. My victories. It's all mine and I don't need a dumb set of rules to control my life. I don't need a lady to control my life. I love Ruth, but this is just too much.
All I know right now, is that I want two things. Dallas fucking Winston. And A nice cigarette.
