This is the saddest thing I've ever written, so... enjoy it (if you can).
9. Finn
"Hey."
Rachel slammed the door in Finn's face thoughtlessly. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God." She returned to Blaine. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God."
Blaine cupped her face with his both hands. "What's wrong? Who is it?" Finn kept knocking on the door.
She was paralyzed, unable to say anything.
Finn knocked harder. "Rachel! Open the door!"
Blaine's eyes shot wide. "Oh my God!" He joined Rachel. "Finn?!" His face turned ghost-white.
"Rach!"
"I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do!" she kept repeating over and over again.
Blaine was freaking out as well. "He can't find me here. He's… Oh my God." He made a pause. "Did you call him?"
"Yes, Blaine, I'm used to calling ex boyfriends while I'm trying to get back on my feet just to slam my door in their faces."
"Rachel, open the door, please!" Finn kept knocking.
"I have to open."
"Oh my God… Okay, I'll hide in your basement until he leaves. Okay? Okay? Rachel, tell me it's okay!" Blaine was practically on his nerves.
Rachel nodded and she waited for Blaine to close the basement door to open the one that separated her and Finn.
"Hello." She let him in.
Finn chuckled. "What was that for?" He came in and sat on the couch. Then he frowned. "It's… warm. Are you busy?"
"Me? No! Why? Why do you ask? I am not busy. So bored. You see?" She pointed to the TV. "Funny Girl. I'm all alone. All by myself," she hummed.
The boy didn't buy that, but he let her get away with it. "I… I didn't know you'd come back."
Rachel kept walking up and down the living room. "Yeah… I… did it." She had never felt that nervous. Her hands were shaking. Her voice was trembling. And she pulled her hair out a few times.
Finn held her hand, pulling her down on the couch. "Rach, calm down." He rubbed her back, trying to make Rachel relax. "Why didn't you tell me that you were coming back?" he asked after a pause.
She took a deep breath, finally ready to face that so long-awaited conversation. "I chose to come back, Finn. It wasn't right for me to force you to come back too. If you wanted to come back, you'd have done it before."
"The last thing I expected to find out was that you had left New York."
"I am full of surprises, Finny. You didn't choose the predictable girl," Rachel teased.
Finn chuckled. "And I thought I knew you pretty well."
"Yeah. We took so many things for granted… when we shouldn't."
Then there was a deathly silence. Rachel knew that she made it wrong. She couldn't deny that not telling him about her comeback was an epic fail. And Finn felt so guilty… He could have had it all with Rachel. But he didn't get the subtle message Rachel sent him during their last conversation.
"If I had known that you were coming back, I would have come back too."
Rachel didn't need to hear anything else. In her mind, she was jumping over clouds. Adrenaline rushing through her veins. Her heart racing. Her… The love of her life was finally back.
"But you're here, and that's all that matters." She held Finn's hand.
Finn put it away and stood up. Now he was the one who was nervous. "I really should be going."
Rachel blinked a couple times. "You what? What… Are you okay?" So close. She felt so close.
He just walked out the door, without a word.
Finn drove home as fast as he could. No, he couldn't stay at Rachel's any longer. What was he doing anyway? He couldn't watch her get all committed again. He pulled up in the driveway of his house. "I'm back!" he said when he came in. He walked into the kitchen, where Kurt was.
"How did she react?" he asked Finn.
"I didn't tell her."
"Then what happened?"
"Blaine was there." Finn stopped when he saw Kurt's face. "I didn't see him, but you know Rachel. She can't hide something like that."
"And what are you gonna do?" Kurt arched his eyebrows.
"Kurt, face it, if they like each other…" Finn's face saddened. "…it's their choice. Not mine, not yours. I won't get between them."
Hummel hugged the taller boy. Finn started crying. "I fucked it up. I fucked it up so badly." He tightened the hug.
Finn's head was a mess. He found out everything thirty hours ago. He didn't lie to Rachel. If he had known that she was back before, he would have come back right then.
"But you're here to make things right, Finn."
He shook his head and pulled back. "No. I'm not." Finn dried off the tears on his face. "I already did the train station day. I just… lost a train I didn't see coming."
Finn walked upstairs and closed the door of his room. He lay on his bed and closed his eyes, letting every single tear out of his heart.
He started hitting his head against the wall. "Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!" He stopped when he saw a read stain on the white paint. There was a trickle of blood running down his forehead. But he didn't care, because no pain could compare to the heartbreak that was tearing him apart.
"Lima Loser, in every single way."
[Run – Leona Lewis]
Finn:
I'll sing it one last time for you,
then we really have to go.
You've been the only thing that's right
in all I've done.
And I can barely look at you,
but every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
away from here.
He pictured himself back in Rachel's living room. Saying all the things he wanted to say. Fighting for a love he once had and once let go.
Light up, light up,
as if you have a choice.
He cupped her face, looking into her eyes.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you dear.
Both of them crying like children. What were they? Grown-ups? Someone who can't face their feelings can't call themselves that.
Louder, louder,
and we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak. I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say.
To think I might not see those eyes.
"The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen," he thought.
Makes it so hard not to cry.
"Cry my guts out, because I lost you one more time."
And as we say our long goodbyes.
I nearly do.
Rachel:
Um. Oh.
Finn and Rachel:
Light up, light up,
as if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you, dear.
Oh.
Louder, louder,
and we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak. I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say.
Finn could hear Rachel belting even though he was making everything up. Her voice… he just needed to hear her sing one last time. One last goodbye.
Rachel with Finn backing up:
Light up, light up,
as if you have a choice.
Even if you cannot hear my voice,
I'll be right beside you, dear.
Louder, louder,
and we'll run for our lives.
I can hardly speak. I understand
why you can't raise your voice to say.
"Why I can't raise my voice to say that I love you so much." He whispered in her ear.
Kurt knocked on Finn's door and came in. "And why the hell don't you sing that to her instead of keeping this damn song on repeat?" He wiped off the tears that had formed on his cheeks.
They heard the door open downstairs. "That must be Dad." Kurt went to help him unload the groceries out of the car.
Finn looked into the mirror. His red eyes blew the whistle of the pity party he just had in his room. Anyway, he walked down to help Burt too.
"Look who's here." Kurt warned him while his brother was walking into the hall.
"Hey," Finn said before kissing his girlfriend hello.
Though he tried not to make eye contact with her, Quinn asked: "Have you been crying?"
