Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.
DUDES, sorry for the delay. I'm having a few rough weeks. I'm not sure when I can update again, sorry
-Kathrine
(Language, talk of violence for warning)
Keep Moving
Explanations
"Darry told me why you are here…he said you are hysterical again. He told me what you did to the gang and your brothers as well. Why?" she asked me as I sat on top of her desk, like I do every time I go to her office. She sits below me with a notebook in her lap, writing down my every word. Sometimes she makes me sing my thoughts, its really weird. But It's cool at the same time, I like coming to her office. This time, I wasn't so jazzed about it.
"Ruth….I'm breaking down. I can barely control my own thoughts anymore." I admitted to her quietly. "I can't get off the subject of keeping them safe. After what Julie said earlier, I can't get it off my mind that someone wants to harm my family."
"Why do you think that is?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" I looked at her like she was mad, off her rocker! "Ruth…I don't know what to do. A part of me wants to seek out Brain and his buddies and kill them on the spot. The other part of me just wants to hide out with the gang. I want to keep them safe! That's all I want. That's all! But it's so complex…I can't control the need. It's so out of hand."
"I know. I've observed over the last few months your increasing need to protect those around you. It might not of been apparent to anyone, but everything you do has to be in someone else's favor." she leaned forward.
"That's why I wanted to take you away from Dallas for a while." a smirk plastered on my face.
"So what do you suppose I do!" she shook her head.
"I've never seen a case this extreme." I stared down at her. "There are a few things I've considered. Plan A was the rules. We haven't really gotten a feel for them yet because its only the second day you've had them. Plan B is that I completely take you away from that environment." I looked at her horrified.
"What the hell are you talking about? I don't want to be taken away." my recent fear of being abandoned or taken away was rising in my throat. I stood up from my sitting position, standing above her on the desk. She stood up as well, using a calming voice. Her hand was raised up to me as if I would attack her or run.
"Lucy, it wouldn't be permanent. It would be for like a week, and it would be at my house or at girls home or something. I would be there the entire time, teaching you different things to overcome that fear of you thinking everyone will get hurt. Or that abandonment issues was well."
I stared at her funny before sitting down again on the desk. She followed suit, resting the notebook on her lap again. "Or I was thinking about a road trip or something. But I first want to see how the rules go."
"They suck Ruth. I've already broken them once. Why can't we just do the family thing and take away the other rules. I want my blades back. I want my freedom back. I especially want to see Dally when I want to."
"I know you've broken the rules, but that's not the point. I'll discuss the rules with Darry. But they most likely wont change." she pushed a small button on her phone.
I shot my hand out. "Wait!" she looked at me in question.
"What should I do about the Soc thing and wanting to protect everyone?"
"There isn't much you can do but control yourself and act when necessary. Your brothers will be alright and they want to protect you as much as you want to protect them, remember that. I'm afraid there is nothing I can do unless there is proof that they have attacked or are planning to."
"Why do you think I have these dumb fucking issues?"
"Well one, because of your parents death. Pony has the same abandonment fear as you, so I'm thinking their linked. Two, you had a lot of traumatic experiences in the last year." she looked serious and like she knew what she was talking about.
"Am I nuts?"
"No honey. Your just confused and out of place. Its hard to get back to the way you were when you don't even know what to get back to. Don't worry, we'll get you safe again."
"I'm too scared!" I put my head in my hands and shook it. Just as I was going to whine some more, Darry came in.
"The secretary said you wanted to see me." he informed closing the door.
"Yes, I think that these new rules are stressing Lucy out. I also think she needs to face reality."
"Meaning?" Darry said. I could feel him behind me, his hand came up to my back.
"That she can't protect everyone all at once. That she needs to be protected by her brothers just as she wants to protect them. She needs to realize that no one wants to hurt her or abandon her." she paused as I looked up at her.
"Lucy is a very…unique girl. I've come up with a few explanations to explain her rapidly changing personality. Her physical health. Everything that makes her…her pretty much." again she paused.
"Before your parents passed, it is my understanding that Lucy hardly ever talked about her feelings. She kept to herself most of the time when she had problems going on. Is this correct?" I glanced back at Darry, who sat down upon seeing my face.
"Yes, she would always go to her room when she was upset." Ruth stood up and started to go around to the other side of her desk.
"I know that when the passed, it really hit everyone really hard. But since Lucy had no real experience expressing herself like you and your brothers did, her body began to react for her. Not allowing her to talk. Vomiting when she was upset. Uncontrollable crying. Harming herself. It all has to come back to her self before the accident." Darry nodded, he looked like he understood what she was saying. I was listening but I was confused at some points of the conversation.
"She's always been like that. When she would be upset, she would get sick. I remember when she was seven or six, when our grandmother died, she wouldn't speak then either." Darry looked off for a second, before looking back at Ruth. "I don't even know why I didn't think of that before. Mom got her talking in about two days though, but she was younger than."
"It probably didn't hurt that her mother was their either. I think that's why she needs to protect your family so much, because of their death. When your grandmother passed, your mother was there to pick up the pieces for everyone. But when she died, you all had to take care of each other."
"And Lucy thought that she had to be that role of mother for everyone since she was gone." Darry continued, starting to get everything that Ruth was saying.
"Correct." Ruth said with a smile. I turned my body to look at them as they discussed me.
As Ruth leaned against the back of her desk, she explained everything to Darry. She took a breathe before she continued. "From what she was telling me, she was starting to become herself when she started training for gymnastics. Than she got stabbed, a very traumatic experience, causing her to go backwards. This is another reason why she is so protective. Than the social worker situation."
Ruth closed her eyes in attempt to hide that fact that she rolled her eyes. "That seemed to stress her out more than the rest. She made a rash decision because of it." she took the seat next to Darry. "I bet you didn't know this Darry, but she hasn't told me much of anything about the time she spent on the road alone. I've tried to explain to her that it will probably help is she did."
Darry looked over at me. "Why wont you tell her?"
"Because its in the past! I'm disappointed in myself for everything that happened when I was on the road. When I was in New York. I just wasn't thinking right over there."
"What were you thinking right?" I closed my eyes at Ruth's question.
"I started to believe the lies I had to tell people. I forgot who I was. There wasn't a Lucy Lou Curtis…there was only Maggie Lou Patrick…Rouge." I shook my head at them. "I changed and started to believe that's all I could be. Than Dally showed up." I smiled at him.
"It was a reality check, big time. I wasn't just Lucy again….everything that I thought was a lie was really a lie. Every memory was true. My brothers were really my brothers. Dally was really standing in front of me….it scared me a little. I had another freak out after that because I was so confused. Then I went through my parents death all over again because I realized it was all true. I couldn't tell all of you that, no one would understand. And the disappointment…."
I closed my eyes and hit my knee with my fist. "The disappointment of everyone seeing me so weak. My disappointment…how I knew I was week and that I couldn't change that even if I tried. So when I didn't explain myself, my body took over again."
"You've told me about that before, Lucy….but I want to know what happened when you were on the road. What caused you to forget yourself? What happened to confuse you so much? Why do you have three tattoos that you can hardly explain to anyone?"
"Its just more disappointment…I did bad things." that's all they were getting out of me. She sighed at my small detail.
"Okay, well the rules still apply Lucy…" I groaned. Ruth than whispered into Darry's ear, who nodded.
"What did you tell him?"
"Since you don't want to follow the rules, you will be sleeping in Darry's room from now on. " I groaned again. Darry helped me off the desk before we exited the room.
"Don't forget about the family rule!" she yelled after we had closed the door. Darry looked over at me with a strange smile….I tried to smile back. As I threw my arm around his back, he tossed his around my shoulder.
"Sorry for all this shit Brother, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass all the time."
"Your worth it baby girl…" that's all he said before we got to the truck. The way home was a slow ride because of the city traffic. Once we were back in Tulsa, everything was smooth sailing. When we got home, everyone was playing poker. It was only; Ponyboy, Steve, Sodapop, and Johnny. Darry sighed as he entered the house, right before entering the game. I didn't say hi to them, I just went to my room. Once in there, I turned the light on.
On the bed, there was a small note. I jumped at the note right after throwing my door shut. As I unfolded it, I smiled brightly.
Luc,
Johnny dropped this off at your house for me. Tim told me about the encounter with Julie….the bitch. Then he told me about the Soc attacks, I bet it was her that told you about them…huh? I'll keep you safe, Luc. Don't you worry alright. Tim said you looked like you had seen a ghost when you told him about the situation. I wish I could comfort you tonight, but our short meeting will be enough.
I love you,
Dal
I am sure that Dallas wrote that a few times before settling with that little note. He hates to write, he told me once. Quickly, I searched for a piece of paper. Eventually, I found one in Ponyboy's room…I didn't bother to ask if I could us it. As I sat at his desk, I used his pen to write Dally a not.
Dal,
I got your note…it was…romantic. If you didn't notice, that was very sarcastic. I'm just kidding, I had a rough day…..so your note was the beautiful highlight of it. Thanks for writing it, I know you don't like to write. Anyway, stay clear of Soc, Okay! Don't go looking for a fight! I don't' want you hurt, Okay! Notice that I'm not asking…I'm telling!….I can't meet with you at night now, Ruth is having me sleep in Darry's room until the two weeks thing is over. I miss your touch.
I love you more,
Luc
I folded the note up and called out to Johnny. He entered my room without a word. I handed him the note, smiling thankfully. He smiled back, knowing what to do with the not.
"Thank Cakes!" he smiled again. I stood up and gave him a hug. We both exited the room. He went back to his game with the guys. I went to make dinner, which didn't take long…I just made leftovers. When everyone was done eating, they left. I was surprised that they did that, maybe Darry told them to scat. I was about to head to bed, but Darry brought out the notebooks. He handed each of us a pen, frowning while he did so. He looked awkward and nervous as he sat down with us.
"So…I guess I'll go first." he commented as we opened up our books.
"This is dumb." commented Ponyboy.
"I agree." I added in as Sodapop smiled across from me.
"I know its stupid, but she wants us to do it." Darry said with a frown.
"Lets get it over with." Soda said.
"Well, I'm doing alright. I'm a little upset that Ruth quit my second job for me, it was a little unexpected. Umm…" he looked so uncomfortable, poor guy. "I'm a little worried about Lucy today too. When you came running up to me, I thought something was really wrong."
I sunk into my chair, feeling embarrassed. Then Ponyboy spoke. "I had a pretty good day. I met a girl earlier." he looked proud of himself. I smiled at him.
"I thought you weren't interested in girls yet." he shook his head."It's not that…just don't know what to do." he admitted, looking at our older brothers for guidance.
"What's her name? What's she look like? How old is she? Does she dig you?" Sodapop said leaning over the table, happy to know his younger brother is finally maturing.
"Her name is Angie. She's got chocolate brown hair and hazel eyes. Umm…she's about Lucy's height. The first thing I noticed about her was her smile." Ponyboy smiled as he looked to each of us while explaining his love interest. "She's fifteen."
"Older women, nice." Sodapop said looking at Darry. Darry just shook his head at both brothers. "I want to meet her."
"I just met her, I don't want to scare her away." we all laughed at Pony's comment.
"Did you ask her on a date or anything?" he shook his head in a yes and no way.
"Well, does going to get a coke at the Dingo count?" I nodded yes with a smile.
"We are going tomorrow, just me and her." he looked off dreamily.
"Aw, that's so cute." I informed the table, who looked at me with their male egotistical eyes.
"Oh I forgot, you don't care." they chuckled at me. "Mom was right, I need some more friends that are girls."
Soda jumped up from the table, looking at us bewildered. "Oh. My, God." he said. "I almost forgot…you got a letter today."
I pointed to my chest. "Me?" he nodded. "From who?"
Sodapop rushed from the room, in search for my letter. " he returned from the kitchen, with it in hand. There was no return address when I fingered the envelope as I held it. I tore it open quickly, I didn't really it out loud."It's from Natalia." I felt shocked that it was from her.
Dear Lucy,
I'm sorry that I have not written you for a while. I regret doing that, especially since I miss you a ton. Rocky told me about the Julie and the fight. She feels sorry about it, but she feels she can't apologize to you.
I scoffed at the letter. Rocky still doesn't get it.
I'm sure if you told me the real story, I would understand more. You know how Rocky can exaggerate things. Anyway, I miss you girl! I hope you get this in time, so I don't scare the hell out of you…I'm coming back. Mom can't travel anymore and no one has bought our old house so we are coming back for a while. I can't wait to see how much you've changed…Rocky told me about you leaving too. I'm sorry…I wish I had known. You could of stayed with me and mom.
She put a smiley face at the end of the note, then signed her name. I was a little freaked out, she's coming back. I wonder how she's doing. Good I hope. She didn't give me much information in the letter.
"So what did it say?" Pony asked.
"She said she's coming back for a little while." they smiled at me.
"Good, I think you need a girl friend again….you haven't had any since New York."
"They were not my friends."
"Umm…Sodapop your next." Darry said, quickly changing the subject.
"Okay, well my day was amazing! The boss gave Steve and I the morning off, so we ate breakfast with Pony and the Shepherds at the diner. Then when we got back to work, he gave us the rest of the day off. It was sort of weird, but sooo boss at the same time."
I giggled at my brother, he is silly. "So today rocked!" he pumped his fist in the air for his awesome day. We all chuckled at him.
"Your turn Luc…"
"Well, my day was stressful. Julie and I had an encounter, she told me about the Socials plans to jump Greasers at random now. That's why I freaked out." I explained. "She said that Brain was coming after you, Sodapop. Said he was coming after someone else too, but I don't know who."
"Damn that guy. He's so dumb." Soda said, not fazed by my words.
"What happened?"
"Aw, he was just giving Johnny a hard time…so I told him to stop. Nothing was really said, but he pushed me…so I punched him."
"So now he's out to get you?"
"Well, he tried to get me back…but the gang stepped in. Tim was there, so was Dally. Brian knew him and his buddies couldn't take seven Greasers against his four guys.""You be careful!" I pointed to him."Yes mother…" he joked."I'm serious Sodapop. I don't have my blades anymore, otherwise I would give ya one. And for the record…." I paused. "I would go to jail if you go jumped."
"What do you mean?" Darry asked, scared of the results.
"I would have to kill Brian if he ever hurt you!" my brothers looked at me, a little frightened by my antics. I just shook my head, knowing I would totally to that if they ever jumped Sodapop.
