Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.
DUDES, sorry for the delay. I'm having a few rough weeks. I'm not sure when I can update again, sorry
-Kathrine
THIS IS AN INTENSE CHAPTER! I warned you!
(Language, alcohol, sexual content for warning)
Keep Moving
I'm So Dumb
I leaped across the yard to Buck's place, jumping over garbage and old car parts as I went. My legs brought me to the front door, panting wildly as I knocked on the door. No one came to answer my call, not even a noise was heard from inside the place. With a heavy fist, I banged onto the door with my guilt. Then I heard a hushed but annoyed voice from inside.
"Damn it." it was Buck. He swung the door open, squinting at the sun. This time he didn't smile when he saw me, but he did nod his head slightly. His eyes scanned my half naked, soaking wet body. For a second, I thought he would make a comment…but he must of decided against it.
"Is Dally here?" without a word, Buck waved me inside. He must have had a party last night because the place was filthy, worse than it normally is. Buck and I didn't say anything as I left to go upstairs. In fact, I was to fast for him to say anything. Both my legs dashed up the stairs in pursuit for Dally's room. I didn't wait for an invitation when I was in front of his door, I just charged right in. He was started, sitting up in his bed. For a second I felt bad about scaring him, but I didn't mention it.
He looked me over as I panted in his doorway, slamming the door behind me. We just stared at each other for a second, until he realized I was soaking wet without a shirt on. His eyebrow raised slightly as he lifted himself from the bed. He was shoeless, shirtless, and he was mine. Before he was even halfway to me, I ran towards him. My wet body crashed onto his, throwing my legs around his torso. Both my arms held onto him tightly, hugging him with all my might. Just for a moment, he just stood there…probably confused.
"Why are you wet? And where are your clothes? And I thought we weren't supposed to see each other?" I shook my head.
"I care anymore…I needed to see you." I was shaking slightly, still feeling guilty and nervous.
"Your trembling, are you alright?" he tried to pull my head away from his neck to see my face, but I was holding on to strong. I kissed his trapezoid muscle, than rubbed my face against it.
"Lucy, what's going on? Your freaking the hell out of me." I shook my head again.
"I just really missed you." this is when Dally really hugged me back, putting a hand in my wet, short hair. The other wrapped around my back, touching the other side of me with it's great length. This time I pulled apart, throwing my face into his.
The first kiss was warm but intense. Both my hands ran through his hair as his rand up and down my back. I could feel him walking us back to the bed as I snacked my tongue with his. He smirked into the kiss as he sat down on the bed, me still on his lap as he did so. We pulled apart, panting into each other's faces. The two of us rested our foreheads against one another's. Slowly, I slipped my head along his bringing him into a hug. He rocked us back and forth on the bed, I hummed in his ear.
It wasn't much of a tune that I made, but it was soothing to both our ears. When I thought that nothing could ruin this moment, I felt him drop me onto the bed. I frowned at him for letting me go, as he got up from the bed. He moved across the room to the door, locking it slyly. When he turned to me, he just looked at me. There wasn't much expression in his face, he just watched me. Even though I was still wet, I laid myself onto the bed. I shoved the blankets into a corner where they couldn't bother me.
My legs dangled from the end of the bed while my arms rested above my head. Dally looked me over with a lighthearted smile. He moved over to the bed, slinging his arm across me. Most of his body was laying on me, but my legs still dangled free. My right hand pulled his hair into my face, sucking on his bottom lip. Our faces moved together as one once more, tangling our tongues together again. Using all of my strength, I turned him over on his back. I sat on top of him, brushing the hair from his forehead as I looked down at him. Again we kissed, a lot more intense this time. His hands rubbed up and down my legs, this time touching my butt a few times. Every time he would, I would giggled because I was very ticklish there. I think he was doing it on purpose after that.
It wasn't long before the both of us were excited and panting all over each other. I was so hot, sweating even. I looked at him in the eyes, right before I jumped off him. He turned his body to look at me with his head rested on his hand. Dally gave me a confused look, not expected what I was going to do next. I wasn't really aware of what I was doing, but I did it. I stripped my bra from my torso, tossing it onto the floor. Dally jumped up to me, his hands out away from his body. For a moment, he glanced at my bare breasts but quickly looked to my face. He looked as though he was shocked to see me.
"Why did you do that?" he voice tense as he tried desperately not to look down at my chest.
"Because I wanted to." I wasn't afraid of him, so I moved closer. He was much more hesitant than I was, he even took a few steps back. This just made me want to move closer, to feel his chest against mine. When I pulled him nearer, he let out a nervous breathe.
"It's not like you haven't seen breasts before, Dal." he finally hugged me back, running his hands against my fully bare skin.
"True, but I haven't seen you before like this. It's a little overwhelming." wow, I don't think I've heard him speak like that since we were younger.
"Why?" I looked up at him as he looked down at my chest, pressed against his bare chest. I felt him shiver against me, so I pulled him closer.
"Because you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." his voice was astonished and still nervous.
"Don't be nervous."
"I'm not." he said pulling me onto the bed to lay on him. His eyes shut slightly for a second as I adjusted myself to become comfortable.
"Like I said, I'm overwhelmed." I wanted him, and he was overwhelmed…perfect. This has been the first time someone has ever seen me completely bare, so vulnerable. I was offering myself to him, what was he waiting for? Just when I thought that he wouldn't do anything, he turned me onto my back. He laid on top of me, kissing me furiously. Out of all the kisses I've ever receive from him, this was the most lustful. His hands pulled my legs around him, almost scratching me as he dug his fingers into my skin. His all of a sudden interest made me excited. Unconsciously, my chips grinded against his pelvis. He hissed as I did so, running a hand over my stomach.
I didn't want to wait any longer, I wanted him now. He was going to have me. I was never going to forget this moment. We would be closer than we ever were before. I would loose something, but gain something just as well. With urgent hands, I started to undo his pants. Dallas noticed, looking form him jeans to my face. He looked excited but still very hesitant.
"Are you sure about this?" I nodded with a lustful smile and I unzipped his jeans. Biting my lip, he shook his head at me.
"Lucy, I don't know if you know what your doing. I mean…I think you are too young."
"Dallas!" I looked at him. "What are you really afraid of? You lost your virginity when you were fourteen! I'm sixteen, going on seventeen. I'll be your age in a few weeks."
"I'm afraid of hurting you! I don't want to get on your brothers' bad sides! I don't want you to regret a huge decision like I did! I misused what God gave me, my innocents…I don't want you to feel the same way. I don't want you to be empty or ashamed."
I put my hands on the sides of his face. "You've thought a lot about this."
"Yeah, I've wanted this for a really long time. I mean a REALLY long time…but you are more important than the temptations. There are so many different pros and cons, but it always adds up to me letting you make the decision. So I'm asking you again, are you sure?"
He was right, but I didn't want it. I wanted him. He wanted me. It was time for me to grow up, to become a woman. Maybe, it will make me better. It will give me a reason to move on. It will be new and exciting for me. Dallas will get what he wants. I want this moment to be so much, I hope its all what its cracked up to be. I'm not sure if I'm doing this because I want to anymore. Maybe, I just want to get it over with. Maybe, I just want to have control over something in my life. This feels weird, but I want to do it. So many different things swam through my mind, but only one thing really made sense. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'
"Dal, wanted you to be my first. You deserve it." was that really want I wanted to say, or am I fooling myself. I'm so confused, but I'm already too far gone to go back to the world of virginity…lets get this over with.
"Okay, I'll try to be gentle." those are the last words I really understood after that. In fact, I can't really remember anything passed that. There were lots of noises, but none that really made sense. I do remember the pain, I can't recall anything pleasurable. Maybe a few times, but mostly it hurt. Dallas seemed to be enjoying himself, even though he was worried the entire time. I'm not sure, but I think he asked me if I was okay a few times. There was emptiness, I should of waited…I'm retarded. I want my mom.
After a moment of composure, I decided I wanted to leave. I wanted to do something other than be here, anywhere. Why did I do that? Why did I let him do that to me. He was so gentle though, why would anyone like that? It was horrible, maybe it's just because I'm so knew at it. I thought all of this as I retrieved my clothes thrown to the ground. I put on everything I came in, but also put on a shirt of Dally's. He looked at me worriedly as I gathered myself. I left the room to clean up in the bathroom. In the mirror, I was emotionless. Maybe, I'm just defective…I ruin everything. That's what it must have been, I'm like a jinx. God, I really wish I had Mom with me. She would know what to do. She would tell me the right thing.
Before I knew it, I was tearing up. Quickly, I brushed them away…saving them for later. Exiting the bathroom, I went back to his room. He had his underwear on, still looking at me worriedly. I just…I don't know what to say.
"Are you alright? Are you feeling okay?" he asked quickly.
I nodded. "Yeah…I'm just overwhelmed." just think, before he was overwhelmed…now it's me.
"Are you okay?" he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I nodded lightly hugging him back.
"I'll be fine, Dal." I pulled away, giving him a small kiss on the lips. "I'm going home though, they are probably worried about me."
"Ya gonna tell them?" I shrugged. "Ya want a ride home? I could get dressed and ask…"
"No, I want some time to think."
"You sure your feeling alright?" I nodded leaving the room. My face felt blank as I went down the stairs. It still felt blank as I passed through the front door. It hurt to walk a little bit. In Buck's yard, I looked back at the house. Dally was standing in his underwear at the front door, watching me leave. His face looked worried and almost scared. He knew what I was thinking, he knows me. I should of listened to him, I wasn't ready. Even if I wanted to try it…and hopefully like it…I would regret it. To many pros and cons, but there seems to be more cons than before. I'm not sure why I feel like this. It wasn't that bad, I'm overreacting. That's what I do, overreact. Maybe, I didn't even let myself enjoy it. I don't know. I need a beer or something, get my mind off this.
The entire walk home was silent. I couldn't hear anything but my rushing thoughts. Most of all were how dumb I am and how much I wish Mom was here. A few times I turned to go see her and Dad, but I decided to just go home. I pushed through the front gate without hesitation. When I walked into the house, everything was going on normally. Why wouldn't it be? Darry was cooking with Soda in the kitchen. Pony and Johnny were on the couch watching TV while Two-bit and Steve arm wrestled at the table. No one took notice of me, which I didn't really notice them either.
As I walked through the house, I could feel how much my face has fallen. There was suck a blank look on my face I bet, so emotionless. I feel dead. But not the same kind of dead I felt when Mom and Dad passed…this is different. This is a…I can't even describe it. Steve and Two-bit watched me as I passed, but I didn't look over at them. Darry glanced at me as I went into the kitchen. Sodapop grinned, happy I was home I expect.
"Where ya been?" Darry asked smoothly."Out." that was probably the wrong answer to give him, but that's all that would come out. I didn't want to think about Dallas. All I wanted was something to drink, and a cigarette. Ponyboy would have some, he always does.
"Out where?" Darry sounded annoyed. "You know you broke the rules, right?"
"Yes, I went for a long walk. Stopped by Bucks for a shirt, than just circled around Tulsa." lie. Lie. Lie.
I didn't wait for his responds, I went to ask Pony for a cigarette. He didn't mind giving me one, until I asked for two. My younger brother gave me a weird look, but didn't ask questions. He knows how it goes when you need a cigarette. I took them from him, going back into the kitchen. I knew there was an old bottle of wine above the fridge. Surprisingly, I could reach it by myself. Also, my brothers didn't seem to notice me retrieving the liquor. Before they did, I went for my room. I was half expecting a lecture or something, but I didn't receive one.
Inside my room, I felt safer. This was just like New York…ah the memories. Drink to get my mind of something. Smoke to settle my nerves. Out from under my bed, I grabbed my lighter. Opening the window, I lit my cigarette. I didn't even bother to get to my bed, I just rolled down the wall to the floor. As I opened the wine, I was surprised to see it was just a screw off top. I wonder who bought this…it's so strong…I thought as I looked at the bottle. Despite the way I felt, I laughed at myself. This wasn't wine, its whisky. It might have been a lot stronger than anything I've ever had, but I didn't care. Usually I took huge swigs, but I sipped on this.
When I was finished with my first cigarette, I began to light the second. In the process, I broke it in half. With a little groan, I threw it out the window from the floor. Just as I did so, I stood up to change. I changed into some new underwear, and shirt. This time I didn't bother with pants or a bra, like I did before. On the floor again, I leaned against the wall of my closet. My feet were resting out side of it while I sat inside the closet. Every few moments when my throat would recover from the burning, I would take another sip. Just to be inflicted again with the burning sensation. I didn't care. Again, I deserve all of this! If I wasn't so rash to do things, I.. have nothing to say for myself.
I feel empty. Disgusting. Horrible. Stupid. Broke. Lost. But most of all, confused. Uncontrollably, I began to cry. This made me his the wall with my fist. Than I hit the floor with the same fist. It made a small sound, but nothing big. Taking another sip, I cried myself into hysterics. Hyperventilating slightly as I did so. This isn't right. I'm not supposed to be like this. That moment wasn't supposed to happen. Nothing is right! I ruin everything. I want my Mom so fucking much right now! I would give up anything just to see her right now.
Mom…I wonder if her moment was like that. I wonder if Dad's was too? Is it like that for all girls? Or for everyone's first time? I wouldn't be able to get the answers to those questions unless I was asking for a death wish. I shook my head as I felt the drunken stupor. It didn't help my situation, but I kept on drinking the bottle. When I got it, it wasn't full. It wasn't even halfway full, I bet it's Dad that we brought over from the old house or something.
Even though I drank it slowly and I hadn't had that much, I was still drunk. Eventually, I put my entire body into the closet. Trying to hide myself from the world…or maybe just from myself. I have no idea what to do! I wanted to scream, but declined the urge. Suddenly, I grinning Ponyboy entered my room. Shit, I forgot to lock my door. First, he looked confused because he didn't see me on my bed. When I choked out from crying, his eyes widened. As he looked at me, my teeth began to chatter together. He looked as though he had seen a ghost. For a moment, he just watched me cry and drink. As I took a swig this time, he exited my room again. My lazy ass didn't want to get up to lock the door, but I wouldn't of gotten the change.
All three of my brothers entered the room, perfect. I just want to be alone. None of them would know what to do with the information floating around in my head. Neither of them would understand my girlish problems. Sodapop, looked just as Ponyboy did…scared. Darry looked upset as he reached in the closet for my whisky. I moved the bottle away from him, but he quickly retrieved it. He handed it to Ponyboy.
"Go spill that in the sink." Ponyboy was gone from sight. Sodapop, entered the closet, sitting next to me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, pulling my face into his shoulder.
"Darry, she's really trembling here."
"I want Mom." I whined, or more slurred out.
"What happened to her?" Two-bit's voice came through the door, pushing Pony out of the way.
"Two-bit…you, Steve, and Johnny go home." Darry ordered. "Pony, you go with one of them."
"No, I'm staying." Darry grunted at Pony's disobeying ways, but didn't say anything. He crotched down in front of me, examining me. Two-bit was shoved back by Ponyboy, he was out of sight again.
"Lucy, you need to breathe." Darry informed me. I shook my head, trying to pull away from Sodapop.
"I want Mom." I repeated, even though I knew that would never happen. Darry's face paled right before it turned a bright red. He stood up, pointing at me."Mom is dead, Lucy! I'm tired of all of this! You need to get over yourself." Ponyboy reappeared in the doorway, glaring at Darry. Sodapop looked up at his hero with shocked eyes. I wasn't even listening to him, I just wanted to disappear.
"Stop CRYING!" he shouted, throwing his arms in the air.
"Darry, cool it." Soda said in an astonished voice. I finally pulled away from Soda, climbing out of the closet. I grabbed some jeans and shoved my feet through them. Next I put my converse back on, still crying while I did so. They just watched me as I staggered around my room. Without a word, I pushed passed Ponyboy.
"Where are you going now?"
"Away from you. I want Mom. You don't understand. None of you do. None of you would. And I'm trying to get out of your face so I don't stress you out anymore. Don't worry, I'll find a place to stay tonight. You just eat your dinner Darry and get rested up for work tomorrow." everything came out so fast, I had forgot who I had been talking to. When I got outside, Two-bit was sitting on the steps. I passed him as I heard the front door open behind me. My tear filled eyes didn't look back as I stomped and staggered around. The sun was setting, as I walked down the sidewalk. Two-bit came up behind me, trying to get me to look at him.
"Why are you so upset? Was it about earlier? I'm sorry, it was just a spur of the moment thing…I swear. Where did you go? Where are you going? I'm sorry. Lucy look at me please. Do you need anything?"
"I don't know Two-bit. Just leave me alone please." Two-bit shook his head.
"Your brothers would kill me if I left you alone in this neighborhood at night."
"I'm going over to a friends house, please just leave me be Two-bit. I don't want to speak with anyone." he tried to protest, but I shoved him away. He seemed to get the point after that, hesitantly falling back. My feet carried me to someone I might be able to talk to about this. I wasn't sure I was going the right way, but I kept going anyway. Even though it was getting late, I prevailed through the darkness. It was my last hope to try to figure all of this out. This person was the only one I could turn to. She might not want to talk to me because we aren't close or anything but…she might understand. She would definitely understand better than my brothers. Or Dallas. I just hope she doesn't tell Sodapop about all of this the next time they see each other. I just need a female that's my same age…or close to at least.
