Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders.
DUDES, sorry for the delay. I'm having a few rough weeks. I'm not sure when I can update again, sorry
-Kathrine
(Language, alcohol for warning)
Keep Moving
Time To Face Reality
Sadly for me, Sandy wasn't home when I got to her house. It was probably a stupid thing to want to talk to her anyway. One, because I didn't like her very much. Two, I didn't trust her one bit. Three, she's my overly protective twin brother's girl. Her father looked at me with judgmental eyes as he answered the door, only to slam it in my face in rejection for my search for Sandy. It didn't matter I suppose. By the time I left her place, I was calmed down most of the way. Now I was thinking rationally. But I still felt horrible as I entered the park with my stolen bottle of wine.
Well more so secretly barrowed from Buck's bar. I knew he would of minded if he knew. Maybe he would have, I don't know. Nor do I care at this point. I just need a good few hours to think about a few things. I need to get over myself, for one. That might be a bit difficult for me because I'm well…me. At least her in the deserted park, I can wallow by myself. It was about time that I realized that I'm fine on my own sometimes. I need to learn that I can't protect everyone all the time. I need to protect myself for once. That's why I had sex. If I was thinking more for my own safety, I wouldn't of been so rash. It's also not Dally's fault, I shouldn't be mad at him. Pretty much all of it is my fault, I should of listened to him.
I'm accepted everything now. I'm no longer a virgin. It's my fault. It was my mistake. I've learned from it. Now that I've gotten passed all that, I just want to loose myself in this half empty bottle of wine. I slide down to the ground, leaning on the fountain in the middle of the park. For a moment, I surveyed the area. No one was out because it was getting late; which meant that I'm a dumb bitch for hanging around in this neighborhood alone in the dark. It didn't matter though. I needed time. That's all that I seem to have now a days…it makes me think of my parents who's time ran out. I can't even remember how many days ago it is now. A small bit of guilt ran through my head, but I pushed it away as I tried to open the bottle of wine.
The fucking bottle wouldn't open when I went to get the quark out. I wanted to chuck it, but that wouldn't do me any good. With a frustrated sigh, I tried to hold onto the small buzz that I had left from the whisky from home. It wasn't must of a buzz to begin with, seeing as though I just cried during the entire thing. I hate crying. I'm don't weeping. I should vow to myself never to let another tear fall from my silver orbs. But that wouldn't do me any good either. Wow…I have no fucking options.
All I have to hold onto in this moment are all my desires. There are quite a lot of them, all most likely to never come true. I want my wine. A cigarette. I want Mom and Dad. My life back. My sanity. I want to turn back time. I want a hug. With a finger on the bottle, I rolled it on the ground back and forth. It made a distracting clanking sound as it would hit the side of the fountain and my fingernail. That was the only sound for a while. Sometimes I would hear a car drive by on the street behind me, that that's about it. Once in a while, I would hear arguing coming from the houses that surrounded the park. Then there would be loud TV's that I could hear from my close distance to the houses. Even with all the distant but loud noises, I only fixated on the sound the bottle made. That was until I heard a different sound, the crunching of grass.
Tiredly, I looked up to see a figure approaching the fountain. The person was hard to make out, only the red glow of a cigarette was visible. They weren't walking fast, so I wasn't very alarmed. I didn't care who it was. They could kill me right now and I would really give a shit. Who would? The figure got closer, passing under a street lamp in his journey. That's when I recognized the figure to be Johnnycakes. He kept walking until he was about seven feet away. I looked back to the clanking wine bottle, he fixated on it too. The best thing about Johnny, is that he is a guy of little words. In situations like this, it's a handy thing to be. I admire him for it sometimes, always level headed…unlike myself.
After a few moments when he didn't move, I looked over to him. We looked gazes, him wearing a wary expression. Even if I want time alone, he was already here…so I beckoned to him with my eyes to sit down. After flicking his cigarette to the ground, he stomped on it walking over to the fountain. He sat above me on the fountain, about three feet away from me. I left the wine bottle alone when he relaxed next to me. Both my legs were brought up to my stomach now as I leaned my head on my knees. It was quiet and I wanted to scold him for walking alone at night, but decided against it since I was doing the same thing.
Johnny is a quiet boy, so I was surprised to hear him talk. I jumped a bit when he did. "You know your brother's are really worried about you."
It was more than a statement than a question. "They've been looking for you since you left." I glanced over at him. "They've been looking at places you might stay for the night…no luck."
I saw a small smirk in the corner of Johnny's mouth, probably proud he found me first. He was silent after that. I'm not quite sure why he told me that because I didn't really do anything for me but make me fell guilty. When I looked away from him, I felt him move. Since he was just in my peripheral vision, I couldn't tell what he was doing. Suddenly I heard a small popping noise, this time I looked. Johnny had opened the bottle of wine and taking a small swig. He isn't a guy who drinks a lot either, so he made a small face. Inwardly I chuckled at my friend. Again he took a small swig, but didn't make the face this time.
He grinned down at me. "You shouldn't be drinking, Lucy." he informed me. This time I chuckled bitterly.
"I'll keep that in mind." I took the bottle from him, taking a large, heavy drink. The liquid ran down my throat quickly. Johnny was moving again in my peripheral, so I glanced over. He had two cigarettes hanging from his lips, pulling out his lighter. Being the cool guy he is, lit the both and handed me one. With a thankful glance, I took it from him. After taking a long drag, I let it sit in my lungs. Exhaling, a large about of gray smoke came out my mouth and nose. Johnny looked at me with surprised eyes as I took another huge drink of wine. I offered him another sip, so he took one. Out of no where, he spoke again.
"So…do you want to talk about it?" inwardly I rolled my eyes. Even though Johnny isn't the one to ask about things ever, he asked!
"You really freak Ponyboy out…he told me what happened in your room." I cringed at that. I don't want the whole world of Tulsa to know that I'm a fucked up bitch! I'm ten different shades of fucked up! Thinking about that, I took a drag. Then another swig after Johnny took another.
"I know I never seem to be interested in…this kind of stuff." he paused. Looking over at me, causing me to look back at him. "But I really care Lucy…I'm just so fucking oblivious." he chuckled.
I looked away from him, not laughing. "I just thought you might want to talk to someone that knows you…but doesn't know you." again he paused. "You know, like someone that you've never talked to about your problems. Someone that wont be judgmental. I ain't the coolest or most popular guy around, but I do know a thinger two about a thinger two."
With a sweet half smile, I took another drag. It was awfully nice for him to offer, he's never offered before. "Cakes…" I looked over at him, staring him in the eyes as I finished my cig. After I flicked it, I looked back to him.
"Have you ever made such a big mistake that you…just can't stand yourself anymore?" he smiled at me reassuringly.
"All the time."
"Yeah well that's how I feel. Self loath ya know…it's like…I'm not even myself when I did it. Like a completely different Lucy showed up. It was like I was back in New York." I said in a slightly slurred speech. It had been a while since I've mentioned New York, even though everyone else mentions it all the time.
"Like what Luc?"
"Like I don't care. So I don't think. So I just do. Then completely mess up everything. So I drink myself into a stupor." he frowned at me.
"What else happened in New York Lucy?" he asked. I shook my head, not getting sucked into his mind games. That's why he never talks, because he can easily influence people…or mostly people that care about him.
"Cakes, I don't want to talk." I said taking another swig. Just as I put my head to my knees again, I heard the crunching of grass again. Looking up, I saw Two-bit and Sodapop walking towards us. I took another drink, putting my head on my knees again. Why can't I just be fucking left alone? There is only one person I would want to talk to right now, and they are dead. Soda's concerned voice broke off my depressing thoughts.
"Lucy? Jesus, do you know how worried we've been about you?" I didn't life my head, but I felt someone site beside me on the ground to my left. He slung his arm around my shoulders, speaking to me softly."Darry didn't mean what he said. He just…" I interrupted him.
"I know." I knew he didn't mean it. After leaving I didn't really give much thought into what Darry had said. I didn't give much thought about what I had said either. It wasn't what was on my mind at that point in time, all I wanted to do was be alone. Obviously, I can't even get that.
Everyone was silent, until Tow-bit made Johnny a good offer. "Hey Johnny, how about we go tell the others she is found." wow, for a dumb guy, he is really perceptive. I think I realize that every time he says something like that. Then I thought about something, taking another swig before hiding my face again. This wouldn't of happened if Two-bit hadn't of tried to kiss me. I wouldn't of broken the rules to see Dallas. I wouldn't have thrown myself at him. We wouldn't of had sex. I would still be a proud virgin. That's what it started with. Or maybe it's karma for breaking into that backyard pool. That's what it is. It always comes back to me being dumb and rash.
"Alright." Johnny said, I felt him stand up next to me. Lightly his foot kicked me, I looked up at him. "Take care of yourself Lucy. We can't always get everything right."
It was a sweet thing to say, but I wish he hadn't said it. Hopefully, Sodapop wouldn't be paying attention when he said that. He wasn't.
"See ya guys." Soda said with a wave. I just took another drink, almost emptying the bottle. The next swig I took was my last. I held the empty bottle as my two friends retreated in the direction the came from. Soda didn't say anything as I played with bottle, occasionally licking the opening on it. The wine tasted good, but it only made me more bitter. Nothing had happened. I hadn't forgotten anything that has happened like I did before when I would drink. I want to forget. With a frustrated grunt, I chucked the empty bottle to my right. It smashed with a loud crash, causing Sodapop to look over in the direction.
I hid myself from him as best I could. He rubbed my opposite shoulder with his thumb, I shuttered away from him. Standing up, I moved over towards the merry-go-round. Sodapop followed close behind, sitting across from me on it. He was behind me though, standing on the top of it like he's always done. I sat on it with one leg tucked to my stomach, the other gently pushing us in a slow circle. After a few minutes, I laid onto my back facing upward at him. He smiled down at me with his famous Sodapop grin. We still twirled in a circle as he sat down by my head, cross-legged.
"So, do you want to talk about it?" I hate being asked that question. Almost as much as I hate answering it.
"No."
"Do you want to at least tell me why you freaked out earlier." I covered my face with my hands, frustrated with everything."I don't know why I did, okay!" I felt his hand land onto my covered face. My voice was muffled under my hands. "I just freak out sometimes. Even though my mind doesn't feel the need to overreact, it does anyway. Everything is…overwhelming! Everything stinks! I hate everything."
Sodapop cooed to me just as Dad would have done. "Aw Lou, that's not true. You don't mean that. You're just tired."
"Of everything!" I finished for him. He chucked, pulling my hands from my face. I held in all my tears best I could, only to get a small amount hover over the edge of my eye lids.
"Lets go home." he told me.
"No." I closed my eyes.
"Why not?"
"Darry needs a break from me. I need a break from life. You should go though. It's getting…"
"There is no way I'm leaving you out here alone." I shrugged.
"Well I guess you're stuck out here, because I don't want to go back."
"Come on now, you can stay in my room tonight." he offered."Sodapop, I just want to loath myself in peace!" I almost shouted now."None of that is allowed." he told me. Even though my eyes were closed, I could feel that he stood up. Suddenly, he lifted me from the merry-go-round. I groaned in protest.
"Put me down." I snorted, trying to struggle but not wanting to hurt my brother.
"Wake up and smell the roses, Lucy. I'm here to help you, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do."
"What the hell are you talking about." he didn't answer, just kept walking. It wasn't until we were out of the park that I quit struggling. I watched his face as he carried me home, it never moved an inch. He had a determined sparkle in his eyes that made me inwardly smile. On the outside, I just fucking was numb. As we entered through the gate and front door, I glanced over at Darry and Pony at the table. They looked up from the conversation they were obviously having. Soda ignored their glances, taking me into the bathroom. He quickly set me down in the tube, I looked up at him confused.
"Time to face reality, Luc." he told me as he turned on the cold shower water. It rained down on me in little needles, causing me to gasp out. My body quickly rushed to get up from the tube, but seized action as Sodapop leaned into my face. He was inches from my face as he spoke again.
"Time to wake up, my dearest sister."
