Revelations


When Shuuhei had gotten out of Squad 4 he was a little at a loss. He remembered being happy when he was able to get a single room in the dormitory, but now he just wanted someone to be around. He knew vaguely where Renji's room was, but he didn't know the exact number. Wandering around the corridors just waiting for him would probably seem clingy. Shuuhei tried to feel Renji's spiritual pressure but it was hard at the academy, the whole place had giant dead spots where seki-seki lined the walls, not to mention that some of the instructors were so high powered that they overshadowed most of the students. The next day he had a bit of luck though, seeing Kira and Momo in the mess hall when getting lunch.

He paused for a moment, but Kira saw him and waved and Momo looked up and smiled. Shuuhei made his way over to their table. He tried to ignore the murmuring of the students talking about him. Before, he had felt slightly proud of it, but now he wondered if they were talking about what had happened and if they were looking at his bright new scars.

"Hi, Shuuhei," Kira welcomed him.

"Hey guys," Shuuhei said. "I was wondering if Renji was around. I wanted to talk to him."

"Oh, he's out trying to get information about where the Kuchiki estate is. I don't know why he's trying, there's no way they're going to let him anywhere near it," Momo answered.

"Kuchiki estate? What does Renji want with Captain Kuchiki?" Shuuhei asked.

"It's not the captain he's interested in. Renji's best friend Rukia was recently adopted into the family and he's afraid he's never going to see her again," Kira replied.

Shuuhei didn't know what to say to that, he didn't even think that sort of thing could happen.

"Renji!" Momo called out, looking over his shoulder.

"Shuuhei, good to see you," Renji said, sitting down next to him, giving him a wan smile.

"Is something wrong?" Shuuhei asked, noting the strain.

"It's just that I…" Renji ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. "Sometimes I think that maybe you don't understand how much someone means to you until they are gone," his finished.

They finished up lunch, Shuuhei trying to remain engaged in conversation but frequently zoning out. He loves her, he thought to himself, over and over, thinking about the look in Renji's eyes when he talked about her. If he had felt lost the other day, today was infinitely worse. Shuuhei hadn't realized how much he cared for the redhead before. He should never have slept with him, because that had only cemented his attachment to Renji. It had allowed him to think, for a day at least, that they could be together. Shuuhei tried to lie to himself, saying that Renji was just a person who was there when he needed him; a warm body and warm heart when Shuuhei was battling a lot of issues. No one else could be his Renji to him though, and he knew that. He half-heartedly said good-bye to the group of friends and went to class.

The next day, he had lost himself in thought again. He ignored the swarming students walking around him, seemingly staring at the wall.

"You know, I'm pretty sure that you're going to be late for class," Renji said.

Shuuhei broke out of his chain of thought. "What?" he looked around at the now empty hall and then at Renji. Renji… "Look here kid, you might have class now but I don't. You should probably run along before your teacher gets mad and yells at you," Shuuhei responded.

"Eh, he yells at me all the time anyways," Renji smiled.

Then, completely shocking Shuuhei, Renji put his hands on his shoulders and pushed him. He continued pushing him until the two of them were in a supply closet. "Renji…" Shuuhei breathed. Renji locked the door behind him and then turned and practically launched himself at Shuuhei. "Fuck," Shuuhei moaned, feeling Renji pushed up against him, his hot mouth on his neck, his hands pulling at him.

They wound up having sex so loud that Shuuhei honestly wondered why they didn't get caught. He wondered if maybe they had been caught and whoever had discovered them had decided to just let them be. At that point he was fairly sure he might have attacked anyone who dared interrupt them anyways.


"You have always seemed like a fairly calm young man; clear thinking and generally mild mannered," Head Captain Yamamoto said to Shuuhei as they finished their shogi game.

Shuuhei looked at him, wondering what he was getting at.

"That young man out there though is none of those things," Yamamoto said.

Shuuhei could feel Renji begin to ramp up his spiritual pressure. What the hell does he think he's doing? He's going to disturb the whole squad! Shuuhei thought to himself.

"Excuse me, Head Captain Yamamoto," Shuuhei said, standing up. "I believe there is no chance I could win this game against you in any case."

He bowed and went out.

"Shuuhei!" Renji greeted him.

"Do you actually have your zanpakuto drawn?" Shuuhei said shocked. "What the hell are you planning on dong with that?"

"Uh, well," Renji looked sheepish, but he had already gone this far so he flash stepped behind Shuuhei and hit him on the head with his hilt, knocking him out. He lifted the unconscious Shuuhei onto his shoulder and took off.

Head Captain Yamamoto watched from the window and sighed. Always so reckless these children, he thought to himself. He did admire Renji for his fire if nothing else though, and wondered what exactly he had planned for Shuuhei.


"Mmmm," Shuuhei groaned at he gained consciousness.

"Uh yeah, I suck at healing so hopefully you feel ok," Renji said.

"What the fuck, Renji!" Shuuhei yelled at him. "You knocked me out? Wait…am I tied up too?"

"Well I didn't know how mad you would be and didn't want you to run away the second you woke up."

"Renji…" Shuuhei growled.

"I have all night, if you want to yell at me for awhile you can," Renji shrugged.

Shuuhei just glowered at him. "Fine, what do you want?"

"Do you know that all of those times that you showed up drunk and with the look of pain in your eyes, I thought I was helping you somehow? I never knew that I was the one causing it all," Renji said. "I thought you wanted to have a good time, not that you had just lost a struggle with yourself. You think that I wanted to use you all of these years?"

He actually sounds a little angry, Shuuhei thought to himself. "I don't see why it matters," he answered.

"Because you're my friend! You think I want to hurt my friends?"

"You said that you…" Shuuhei couldn't bring himself to repeat the words that Renji had used.

"That I love you," Renji said. "I do."

Shuuhei closed his eyes. "Stop saying that."

There was a long silence.

"Did it not work out with you and Rukia? Am I just your backup plan?" Shuuhei said bitterly.

"No it didn't work out! I didn't even say anything to her," Renji said. "It was like you've said in the past, I had made it into something that it wasn't and when I finally came face to face with the truth it was so simple that I couldn't believe that I had been blind for so many years."

"So why…how did you…" Shuuhei tried to form his question.

"Rangiku and Kira basically beat me over the head when I told them that I didn't love Rukia and was sad, and they were right," Renji said. "Do you remember that first day after we had sex?"

"Yes," of course he did.

"That whole night I had been trying to figure out what was going on. You were the first guy I'd ever been with, actually, you should probably know that you're the only guy I've ever been with," Renji said.

"What?" Shuuhei asked, surprised. "You didn't say anything…you've never said anything."

"Well I guess we both keep stupid secrets," Renji said. "I wasn't sure why someone like you would possibly be attracted to someone like me. People talked about you a lot too, I remember Kira thought that you were some sort of star or something. I knew that you had been bored out of your mind, upset about how things had turned out on the mission, about losing your friends, and the way that the Squad 4 staff was treating you with kid gloves. I had to wonder if you weren't just…working out a little pent up frustration or something."

"Renji that's not…"

"Then I came in and find those girls all over you, and you laughing and flirting with them, it kind of proved it to me," Renji continued. "It was ok though, I still really liked being with you, and obviously the sex aspect was incredible and something completely new to me. I figured if you wanted to be friends and just sometimes have sex it was definitely ok by me."

Shuuhei winced at that. He wondered what would have happened if he hadn't been so prideful at that moment. He hadn't wanted to open himself up to Renji and be hurt, so he had covered it all up with bravado. If he had just explained his feelings for Renji right then and there, what would have happened?

"It's my fault for never telling you," Shuuhei admitted. "You're right. I was just so scared of losing you as a friend as well that I couldn't do it. You were so hung up on Rukia too, it was better just to let things be."

"I'm not good at analyzing feelings," Renji said. "I mean, look at my relationship with Captain Kuchiki. For the longest time I thought that I wanted to beat him and to become better than him for Rukia. It wasn't until I actually fought against him that I realized that it's all for me. I want to become stronger than him because I view him as strong. He is a man that I respect, no matter how much I don't understand him all the time or how different we are."

Renji came close to Shuuhei, who still couldn't move because of his bindings. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked into his eyes. "When I knew that didn't love Rukia, I didn't know why I was ok with it. I was upset because I felt like I had wasted so much time, but I wasn't devastated. When Rangiku told me that you loved me, and had for a long time, I knew that it was because no matter what, you've always been there for me. You know what I felt when I was running over to your squad? Panic. Panic because I've been an idiot for a very long time and I wasn't sure that you'd forgive me for it. That's why you're tied up here, because you're not getting away until I've said and done everything that I want. Then if you still want to think I'm an asshole, that's fine."

Renji paused for a beat.

"No, it's not actually. If you still thought I was an asshole and tried to hide from me then I would still bother the hell out of you until you changed your mind," he continued.

"What make you think that I wouldn't want you?" Shuuhei said.

"Maybe the fact that you didn't come out and talk to me until I started to threaten your squad and the fact that you still haven't said directly that you have feelings for me. Maybe the fact that you still seem to think that maybe this is a joke or that I'm just sad about Rukia," Renji explained. "Maybe you just think I'm drunk. Maybe you're just a coward who won't face up to what he wants now that he can have it."

Shuuhei blanched at the last line. It was probably the most true of out all of the reasons. He had Renji had been in their odd relationship for a very long time now, and it had worked. Now matter how messed up it was, it was still something. Shuuhei was terrible with relationships in general, if he actually started a real one with Renji, wouldn't it just be like the others and crash and burn?

"Ha," Renji said. "That's it, isn't it?"

Shuuhei didn't answer.

"Listen, you know how stubborn I am," Renji said. "I'm not going to let things break down between us, ever."

"Renji, can you untie me? It's starting to get annoying," Shuuhei responded.

"Agree with me that we're dating first," argued Renji.

"Yes," Shuuhei said. "Yes, so you really need to let me go so I can at least kiss you."

"No," Renji said.

"What?" Shuuhei yelled.

"I think I have you in the perfect position and I'm not untying you. Besides, I'm just happy that I found a use for my four post bed," Renji smiled. Shuuhei was on his back, splayed out on the mattress with each of his limbs tied to a different corner of the bed.

"Renji!" Shuuhei said.

"I even remembered to put spiritual pressure cuffs on you so that you don't break my bed trying to get out."

"Why are you drawing your zanpakuto again?" Shuuhei asked, slightly wide-eyed.

"I forgot to take your clothes off before you woke up, so I'll just have to cut them off of you," Renji grinned.