So, so sorry for the long wait! I got caught up in real life (whatever that is), and then this chapter was a bear to write at times. It's a long one, though, so hopefully that kind of makes up for it! I promise to try super hard not to go so long between updates next time. Beta'd by the seriously amazing englishstrawbie. I could not have done this without you! The title from this chapter comes from the song "Alone," an 80s rock ballad by Heart that I probably love way more than I should.
Note: this chapter has some colorful language. The story is still rated T/PG-13, but this particular chapter is rated M/R for the language.
After a week and two days, there was no way around it: Callie had to go back to work. She had patients whose surgeries had already been rescheduled. She had charts that needed to be updated, other charts with interns' mistakes to fix and, as she had learned one too many times, traumas didn't take a break. Owen had been kind enough to reduce her hours; after all, she had a baby to take care of and a very unhappy wife literally nailed to a hospital bed. But her return to work was inevitable, and so today, one week and two days after the crash, Callie was spending her last full day off in Arizona's room.
Neither woman was particularly looking forward to Callie's return to work, even though Arizona's room was on the orthopedic floor. But Arizona was used to her wife being around and Callie liked being there. The sight of Callie's face and the sound of her voice made Arizona feel a little less like she was struggling her way through a sinister world of chaos and destruction, and Callie generally felt much better when she could see with her own eyes that Arizona was still whole, still there with her.
Callie also hadn't performed a surgery since Arizona's, and the knowledge that that memory would be accompanying her into the O.R. was difficult. How was she supposed to pick up a scalpel knowing that the last time she had done so, she'd been slicing into her own wife? How was she supposed to see a patient, bloodied and broken on her table, and not see Arizona as she barely clung to life? How could she listen to the steady beep of a heart monitor without worrying that at any second it could start screaming?
How could she fix people, put their bones back into alignment, when she hadn't been able to do the same for Arizona?
So, while the general mood in the room was morose – which was nothing new – Callie was determined to lift Arizona's spirits, even if she couldn't lift her own, so they could end the day on a positive note and start tomorrow with some good memories.
"She's doing this thing now where she waves her arms and squawks like a bird when I walk into the room." Callie was filling Arizona in on Sofia's latest adventures and showing her the pictures she'd snapped with her phone. "And Bailey said she just giggles whenever Tuck is around. Can a one-year-old have a crush? She's going to be flirting before she can talk."
"Look at the genes she has," Arizona pointed out. She had moments when she felt almost like herself, almost normal, when she enjoyed bantering with Callie and talking about her life. They usually faded as suddenly as they appeared, but neither woman took a single one of them for granted.
"And you're no help," Callie retorted, nudging Arizona playfully with her shoulder. "You're going to be teaching her pick-up lines for her first day of preschool."
Arizona nodded. "Like mother, like daughter."
Callie snorted. "Nice." Those girls of hers… She gazed lovingly at Arizona for a minute. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Arizona and Sofia were mother and daughter. Even a perfect stranger could see it in the way each of their faces lit up when they were around the other. If Sofia indeed turned out to be exactly like Arizona, Callie would be thrilled. "Do you…do you want to see her today?"
Arizona had only asked to see Sofia a handful of times and it worried Callie. Granted, for the first few days that Arizona was lucid after the crash, she had been in a lot of pain and heavily medicated. She was still healing from surgery, so the risk of picking up an infection was too great anyway. Still, Callie would have expected Arizona to beg and plead to see her baby every second she was awake, but she hadn't. Arizona fluctuated mainly between the fear brought on by nightmares and flashbacks, and quiet and unresponsive. The Arizona who had boarded the flight to Boise was not the Arizona who had come home, and that broke Callie's heart. While the Arizona of old was all smiles and optimism, this Arizona was racked by fear, sadness, and a guilt that Callie didn't fully understand. This Arizona, though in a constant state of devastation, didn't seem to want to do anything that might make her happy.
Today, though, there were a few more moments when the Arizona in front of her sounded like the old Arizona, smiling and joking, than there had been yesterday. Callie knew that those moments tended to give way eventually to Arizona's darker trains of thought, but that didn't stop her from enjoying them. Callie loved Arizona Robbins, no matter who she was, period. But seeing her happy, even if it was just for a few seconds, always lifted her spirits. It gave her hope that maybe Arizona could find whatever it was she had lost in the crash.
A slow smile spread across Arizona's face and she nodded eagerly. "I've missed her."
Callie returned the smile, internally breathing a sigh of relief. "She misses you, too." Arizona scoffed. "I'm serious!" Callie insisted. "She looks around for you. I can tell. She grabs my necklace in her hand and looks around. She knows you have the same one."
Arizona smiled, unconsciously reaching for her own heart necklace. While she'd been physically in the clear to visit with Sofia for several days now, she hated to admit that she hadn't been emotionally ready. She had thought about it. Arizona missed her daughter so much that at times she actually felt an ache in her chest. More than anything, she longed to hold her baby in her arms, to kiss her downy hair, to hear her joyous giggles. Sofia was half the reason Arizona had fought for her life as long as she had. But every time she thought about it, every time she opened her mouth to ask Callie to bring Sofia up, she balked.
While somewhere in the back of Arizona's head a rational voice said that she had been brave, strong, and noble out in the woods, a louder voice insisted that she had been a coward. That she had lain there while others stitched bleeding gashes and died under wrecked airplanes. That Lexie had died because she had survived. That she hadn't been the good man in the storm that she was supposed to be – that she had always claimed to be. Sofia deserved so much better than a mother who couldn't save people.
But today, for whatever reason, Arizona couldn't stand the thought of going another minute without seeing her baby. Callie's comment about Sofia's recognition of the heart necklaces only drove the point further home.
She looked at Callie, eyes twinkling. "I want to see her. Can you go get her? Like right now?" Suddenly terribly impatient, Arizona bounced on the bed as much as the external fixation would allow.
Callie grinned. Here was the old Arizona. Callie had known that Arizona had misgivings about seeing Sofia, and as hard as it had been not to, she hadn't pushed the issue. Today, her reward for her patience came in the form of a happy, smiling Arizona. Even after almost four years, that smile still made her melt.
"Sure, I'll –" Callie was interrupted by a rap at the doorframe, followed by Alex stepping into the room carrying a box.
Arizona's heart sped up at the sight of him. She hadn't seen him since she had blown up at him, before she'd even gotten on that damn plane. Arizona's throat constricted as she realized she could have died without Alex knowing how proud she was of him.
Callie smiled at Alex, who was looking around the room in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Arizona. The way she was looking at him – reverent, sad, proud – made him uncomfortable. "I'll go check on Sofia," Callie said, moving toward the door. "If she's napping, I'll wait for her. I'll bring her up in a few minutes." She clapped Alex on the shoulder and walked away in the direction of the daycare.
Arizona shifted in her bed. Alex cleared his throat and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. Neither knew quite what to say.
Finally, Arizona broke the silence. "What's in the box?"
Alex held up the box in his hand. "They're from the kids," he explained. "In Peds. They heard you were hurt, so they made you some stuff."
"Oh." Arizona raised a hand to her chest, suddenly overcome with emotion. Since she had been a patient, she had nearly forgotten she was a doctor, and she had definitely forgotten about life outside the four walls of her room. Arizona was almost unsurprised when right on the heels of gratitude came guilt. She couldn't be a doctor to her patients when she was stuck in the hospital herself. There was a whole ward of kids out there who needed her and she couldn't help a single one of them. She started when she realized she didn't know what had happened to those conjoined twins in Boise. Had they found another team of surgeons? Would they wait until the Seattle team was ready to try again? Or had they simply given up?
Alex plopped into the chair beside Arizona's bed, sitting the box on the table next to him. "This one's from Bridget Parker," he began, pulling out a card and handing it to Arizona. A shower of glitter fell onto the bed when she opened it. Bridget was a six-year-old who had just received a lung transplant. The inside of the card, under a thick layer of glitter, read "Get well soon, love Bridget." There was a drawing of a rainbow and a sticker with a puppy on it. Another card, from a 13-year-old boy, said, "I saw the crash on the news. I hope you're okay. I heard you broke your leg. My brother broke his leg once and now he's the MVP on his basketball team. –Devon. P.S. If you get bored, channel 7 always has Law & Order marathons." Arizona had to laugh at that. How many times had Callie complained about Arizona ignoring her to watch detectives Briscoe and Green bring another criminal to justice?
The box was full of cards and trinkets. Someone had thrown in a coloring book and a small box of crayons; a group of girls had made a bouquet of paper flowers, and one boy had made his own word search. Arizona pulled out one last card. It was from Jamie Harding, a seven-year-old girl who had broken her own leg when she'd fallen off a horse. Ironically, she and Callie had both treated her the day before the plane crash. As far as Arizona knew, Jamie had been discharged, so she must have come in for a check-up and made the card then. On the front was a drawing of two people. The smaller one had a purple cast on her leg, the color Jamie had picked. The other person, taller and blonde, had a pink cast on her leg. Both drawings smiled brightly up at Arizona from the paper, surrounded by doodles of hearts, flowers, and butterflies. Slowly, Arizona opened the card. In big, bold crayon letters, Jamie had printed, "Now we can be twins!"
Arizona slammed the card shut, suddenly not so sure she wasn't going to throw up. She raised a shaking hand to her mouth, letting the card drop to the floor. It wasn't Jamie's fault. She was just being a child, making a drawing and putting a positive spin on a negative situation. She didn't know what had really happened. She didn't know who had died, who had suffered, who continued to suffer. In Jamie's eyes, everything was okay. Dr. Arizona had a broken leg, but she got to wear a pink cast, decorate it with stickers, and have all her friends sign it. She got to eat ice cream for dinner for being so brave and she got to listen to the cool bone doctor tell her about the time she'd fallen off a horse trying to impress a boy – a story Arizona had memorized by now.
There was a child's innocence and then there was reality.
Alex, having seen the abrupt change in Arizona's face and demeanor, hurriedly moved the box out of her line of sight, throwing Jamie's card on top before shoving the whole thing under the bed. "You okay?" he asked.
Arizona shook her head, snapping herself out of her trance. She hadn't meant for Alex to see her like that. "I'm fine," she declared, though there was the slightest tremor in her voice. Alex knew she wasn't fine, but he also knew not to press the issue.
"So." Arizona cleared her throat. "How are you?"
Alex shrugged. "I'm okay. How are –" He stopped himself. "I'm okay. Keeping busy. Lots of sick kids." He tried to think of what else to report. "Your replacement sucks. Not as bad as Stark," he hurried to add. "She just…she doesn't get the kids, you know?" Arizona nodded. Peds is more than just cutting. "You're going to come back soon, right? Because Steiner's a good doctor, but she knows she's gone as soon as you come back. So just…come back soon."
Arizona chuckled mirthlessly and glanced at her leg. "I'll see what I can do."
A moment of companionable silence passed between the pair. "It sucks about Lexie," Alex said.
Arizona closed her eyes. "Yeah," she breathed. "It really does."
"It's not fucking fair."
"Not in the slightest." Both fought back tears. "What are you doing here, Alex?" Arizona asked softly, needing to talk about something other than the crash. "I figured you'd be on the first plane to Hopkins as soon as I was out of sight."
Alex shrugged. "They had a great program and everything, but it just wasn't…that's not home." Arizona stayed quiet, letting him process. "I couldn't just leave after everything that happened. People should stay together after something like that, you know? And I…I want your fellowship."
Arizona's eyes widened. "You what?"
"I thought about what you said after you left," he said on a sigh. "You…you made me. You taught me everything. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would've been a great doctor no matter what." Arizona rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "But without you I probably would have ended up in gastroenterology or something. You never gave up on me."
"I care about you," Arizona interjected quietly.
"Yeah," Alex agreed. "That doesn't usually happen. But it did with you, and then you almost died, and I think…maybe it all means something. Like I-I care about you too or something. Or-or maybe this is home because –" He cleared his throat, bashful. "If you hadn't yelled at me, I would have gotten on the plane. You saved my life. You made me. And I want your fellowship."
"Alex," Arizona breathed, choked up. "That's –"
"But if anyone asks," he interrupted, "Hunt offered me a huge raise."
Arizona snorted. "Of course."
"I can still have it, right?" Alex asked, suddenly uncertain. "I mean, you were really mad at me, and you said…stuff."
"Does it look like I've been interviewing other people for the position?" Arizona gestured to her broken body. "That fellowship is yours, Alex, if you don't mind waiting. It could be a while."
"I can wait," he assured her. "Someone has to make sure Steiner doesn't wreck everything. I've got stuff to do." As if on cue, Alex's pager went off. "Duty calls," he said, standing up. "I'll see you. Maybe I'll bring you some charts sometime. You know, if you're bored."
"Thank you," Arizona said sincerely, and they both knew it was for much more than the offer of charts. "I'm sorry I called you a crapdog."
"Yeah, whatever," Alex replied as he moved toward the door. "Just…hang in there, Robbins. I-we need…" He smiled gently at her. "I'm really glad you're okay." He turned and left before Arizona could say anything else.
Before Arizona could even begin to process everything that had just happened, Callie appeared in the doorway holding Sofia, who broke into a huge grin when she saw Arizona.
"Sorry that took so long," she said. "People kept stopping me to talk to Sofia. You'd think no one's ever seen a baby before." She took in Arizona, who looked like she might cry. "You okay?" she asked cautiously.
"I'm fine," Arizona assured, shaking her head. "Just…Alex."
"Don't worry," Callie quipped. "I won't tell anyone he's a good guy."
"No one would believe you anyway," Arizona teased. Her attention shifted to the bouncing baby in Callie's arms. "There's my girl!" she cooed, a gleeful smile taking over her features.
"Ma ba-ba-ba!" Sofia squawked, banging her hands together in her best approximation of a clap. She wasn't talking quite yet, but her babbling was definitely more than just nonsense sounds. She knew what she was saying.
"See? It's Mama!" Callie inched closer to the bed. "You missed her, didn't you?" Sofia squealed joyously, one hand tangling in Callie's hair while the other reached for Arizona.
"Hee ma!" Sofia exclaimed. Arizona couldn't help it; a laugh bubbled out from her chest. Here was her beautiful, perfect baby who was overjoyed to see her, in the arms of her equally beautiful, perfect wife. At that moment, all of the negative thoughts flew from Arizona's head, leaving her with only love and reverence for the two people who mattered most.
Callie smiled and sat down on the bed by Arizona's good leg and let Sofia slither forward toward Arizona, keeping one hand hovering over her to make sure she didn't head for the other leg.
"Hi, sweetie," Arizona said softly, reaching for one of Sofia's tiny hands. "Oh my goodness, you're so beautiful. Did you get bigger this week? You look like you're growing, my big girl." She brought Sofia's hand to her lips and blew a raspberry in her palm, earning a delighted shriek from the baby. "I'm so glad you're here. I missed you so much."
"Do you want to hold her?" Callie asked. "I can adjust the bed, put a pillow behind your back. She can sit on your right leg." Arizona nodded eagerly and Callie obliged, raising the top half of the bed and helping Arizona sit up. The pair of them managed to reposition Sofia in Arizona's lap, and Arizona immediately wrapped her arms around her daughter, planting kisses all over her face. Sofia didn't even seem to notice the large metal brace around her mother's leg, happy just to be in her company again after so long.
"Oh, my sweet girl," Arizona sighed, resting her head against Sofia's. "I love you so much. I wish you didn't have to see me all hurt like this. I hope it's not scary for you." Sofia just gurgled happily and reached forward, grabbing Arizona's heart necklace in her hand. She turned to look at Callie, grinning triumphantly.
"Good going, Sof," Callie laughed. "You found her!"
Arizona laughed softly, pressing another kiss to Sofia's forehead. "Mama was in an accident last week, Sofia," Arizona confided, quietly but seriously. "Mama, Daddy, and Lexie. And Cristina, Meredith, and Derek. We were all in a scary accident and we got hurt." Sofia gazed intently at Arizona, almost as if grasping the seriousness of the topic. "I was supposed to come home that night, but I didn't. I'm sorry I didn't come home to you and Mommy, baby girl."
Callie's heart caught in her chest. How could Arizona be sorry for something that wasn't remotely her fault? Still, she didn't interrupt, recognizing the conversation as one Arizona needed to have for herself.
"But I wanted to, more than anything," Arizona continued. "We were all so scared that no one would find us out in the woods, but I looked at all the stars in the sky and I wished as hard as I could that I'd be able to come home to you. Do you know how much I love you, Sofia? I love you more than all the stars in the sky." A tear slipped down her cheek and she sniffled. Sofia grabbed at Arizona's lips. "I'm here, but I can't come home," Arizona mumbled around Sofia's hand. "I have to stay here in this bed so my leg can get better. I came back to you, but I came back broken."
Arizona's eyes closed. Despite all of her fighting to survive, despite everything she'd done to make sure that she and Mark got home to their daughter, she was broken. While Callie juggled a demanding job and an active, growing baby, and while Sofia grew, played, and learned, Arizona was stuck in the hospital. How could she be Sofia's parent when she couldn't even move? She couldn't help get her dressed in the mornings; she couldn't soothe her back to sleep at night. She could barely hold her. She had gone and broken herself. Arizona couldn't be a mother. What kind of mother couldn't even hold her own child?
Sofia shouldn't have had to be in this room; she shouldn't have had to see her mother like this. What if it destroyed her innocence? Sofia was just a baby. Babies shouldn't have to know anything of life, death, or brokenness, and yet here she was, with not one but two broken parents and no more Lexie. What if Arizona would never again be able to be the mother Sofia needed? What if her leg never healed and she couldn't chase her daughter when she took her first steps? What if her heart never healed and she couldn't bring Sofia the joy and carefree outlook she deserved to have?
What if she couldn't relate to her patients after everything she'd been through?
What if everything that made her an amazing mother and incredible pediatric doctor was gone?
Arizona looked at Sofia, at her sweet, cherubic face. She looked at Callie, all strength and beauty, though Arizona knew she was struggling too. Then she looked down at herself: immobile, unable to be the mother wife, and doctor she was supposed to be, with whatever had remained of her own innocence lost forever. Sofia deserved better than what Arizona could give her. So did Callie, if she really thought about it, but Callie seemed determined to stick around, at least for now. Arizona couldn't give Sofia herself, the mother she needed. She couldn't give her Lexie or Uncle Tim or Uncle Nick or George or –
People kept dying around Arizona. Good, innocent people. The universe kept taking them away. But what if it wasn't the universe? What if it was her?
Whenever she was around, people died. Her brother, her best friend, George O'Malley, Charles Percy, Reed Atkinson, Lexie Grey. She had nearly gotten Callie and Sofia killed. Mark had nearly died in the plane crash, too, and Zola could just as easily have lost both of her parents.
Suddenly there wasn't enough air in the room.
Arizona was the cause, not the victim. She was a curse. If Alex had gotten on the plane instead, everything would have been fine. If she hadn't been driving, Callie wouldn't have almost died and Sofia wouldn't have been born early. Arizona was toxic. She made people die.
"C-Callie…" It was becoming harder to breathe.
Callie was at her side in a second. "What's wrong?" She noticed how pale Arizona had gotten and how ragged her breath was. "Arizona, are you okay? What's going on?"
"I c-can't," Arizona gasped. "I can't." Sofia wasn't safe; Callie wasn't safe. They had to get out before Arizona broke them. "You n-need to take her. Take her. I can't."
"Are you in pain? Do you need meds? Arizona, what –"
"Get her out." Arizona's voice was frantic, barely her own. "You have to go. Take her – take her to visit Mark or something. You have to – alone, I need – I need to be alone."
"O-okay," Callie said, reaching for Sofia. She had no idea what had caused Arizona's sudden shift in mood, but she didn't seem to want to talk about it, and Callie wasn't going to push it while Sofia was in the room. She wasn't sure what might make Arizona fall into a flashback, and if that happened, she wanted to be able to give her wife her full attention. "If-if you're sure." She scooped Sofia onto her hip and started to smooth a piece of sweaty hair from Arizona's face. "I'll be back in –"
"No!" Arizona jerked away from the touch. Sofia let out a loud whine, catching on to the tension in the room. "Don't come back. Please just go." She turned her head away, not wanting to see what was sure to be a hurt, confused expression on her wife's face.
"Arizona…"
"Please, Calliope," Arizona whispered desperately, not turning back.
Callie sighed. "We'll talk later. I love you." Arizona didn't say anything, just willed herself not to cry until Callie and a now-fussy Sofia were gone.
Callie's head spun as she walked with Sofia to Mark's room. Arizona had gone from overjoyed to shut-down and terrified in a matter of seconds. It didn't make any sense. She hadn't wanted to leave Arizona alone like that, and she debated calling Alex to ask him to go back and check on her. She wouldn't normally have agreed to leave quite so easily, but Arizona appeared to be lucid, and Sofia was getting agitated. Something about Sofia seemed to have triggered something in Arizona – though what it was, Callie didn't have a clue.
Arizona had said not to come back, but for how long? An hour? Four hours? A day? A week? Forever? No matter what Arizona wanted, or thought she wanted, Callie would be back in an hour and a half at the most. Just a quick visit with Mark, see how he was doing, let him play with Sofia, and then would take Sofia back to daycare and return to Arizona, whether Arizona liked it or not. Callie had promised that she wasn't going anywhere and she meant it. If Arizona needed some space, fine, but Callie wasn't going to let her push her away. Not this time.
"Look who finally decided to visit!" Mark called teasingly from his bed. Callie had been by a few times, but she hadn't brought Sofia with her. Physically, Mark was weaker than Arizona, even after a week and two days.
Besides, Callie had wanted Arizona to see Sofia first. As unsure as Arizona had been, Callie had been positive that a visit from Sofia would lift her spirits considerably. The way their faces lit up in each other's company was too beautiful to put off any longer than she had to. Besides, Sofia loved Mark and she loved Callie, but nobody made her quite as happy as Arizona did. When Bailey told Callie that she had trouble getting Sofia to sleep, Callie had lightly sprayed one of Arizona's sweaters with her perfume and left it in her portable crib, and it seemed to help, but there was just no substituting the real thing.
"Say 'hi, Daddy,'" Callie said wearily to Sofia, who stopped fussing at the sight of her father and the sound of his voice. Her face broke into a huge grin and she giggled.
"Come over here," Mark requested as he struggled to sit up. "Let me see my girl!" He grunted in pain, his body still recovering from everything it had been through.
"Easy," Callie scolded. "Don't hurt yourself. Sofia doesn't care if you're sitting or lying down. You know she's just going to grab your nose either way." As if on cue, once she was close enough, Sofia reached out and gripped Mark's nose in her hand. Callie laughed. "I have no idea why she does that. She never goes for anyone else's nose."
"Hey, you." Mark smiled, at Sofia, maybe his first genuine smile since the crash, grabbing her little hand in his own and squeezing. "She knows I'm in plastics. Noses are what I do. She knows that and she's going to go into plastics too. Aren't you?" He addressed Sofia in a silly voice, and she laughed. "See?" Mark said. "We're raising a genius."
Callie laughed softly, sitting in the chair beside Mark's bed. She scooted a little closer and perched Sofia on her lap so she could keep touching his face without climbing on him and hurting him. "How are you doing, Mark?" she asked. They hadn't had a serious conversation during any of their visits so far; they just chatted about the weather, hospital gossip, and things Sofia was doing. Mark never seemed to want to talk and Callie didn't want to push him, at least not so soon after such major surgery, but the pain in his eyes was breaking her heart. "Like, really, how are you?"
Mark sighed. "How do you think?" He grunted again as he shifted. "My whole body hurts. I can barely move. I don't know when I'll get out of here and God only knows when I'll be able to work again." He swallowed thickly. "Lexie…the love of my life died. She died and I was holding her hand. She was alive, she was talking to me, and then…I saw her."
"I know," Callie breathed, holding back her own tears. Even after she'd been to the funeral, it was still so hard to believe that Lexie Grey was just gone. And to know how much pain she must have been in beforehand… "I know," Callie said again. "God, I'm so sorry."
"Me too," Mark agreed. "I miss her so much. Every day I wake up and I just…I lose her all over again." His voice caught and tears welled in his eyes. He reached up with one hand to wipe them away; with the other he tickled Sofia's stomach. The baby giggled loudly, which brought a faint smile to Mark's face.
"When you really love someone, they're never gone forever," Callie said quietly. "With George it…it hurt for a long time. But then I realized that as long as I remembered him and talked about him, he was still kind of around. He's just in a different place now. He's…he's inside me." Despite the context, Mark raised an eyebrow. "Not like that, you perv! God, if you didn't just have major surgery, I would punch you." Mark chuckled. "I just mean, his-his spirit, or his soul – I don't know – is part of me now. I carry that part of him around with me. If Arizona –" Callie's lip trembled at the mere thought of Arizona dying. "If she ever…it would be the same. It would hurt like hell. But I love her so much that she'd always be with me."
Mark closed his eyes and exhaled a shuddering breath. "You didn't love George the way you love Arizona," he said.
"No, I know." Callie didn't – couldn't – love anyone the way she loved Arizona. "I'm just telling you what you would tell me if I was in your place. Of course it hurts. It's going to hurt. But one day it'll hurt a little less than it did before, and then someday after that you'll realize you had a whole conversation or did a whole surgery without it hurting." She paused to make sure Mark was still listening. "You're allowed to miss her. You'll miss her forever. But one day it won't feel this bad. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. And in the meantime, Sofia's here and she's really cute."
Mark smiled. "Well, that part's true." He tickled Sofia's stomach again, earning another laugh. "You know you're the cutest baby in the whole world, don't you?"
"Ba-ha!" Sofia chirped in agreement.
"How's Arizona?" Mark asked, concentrating on Callie. "I want to talk to her, but, well, you know." He gestured to himself.
Callie sighed. "I don't know. She's…there are times when she's laughing and joking like nothing ever happened. But then it's like – that Arizona goes away and some other Arizona takes over." She shook her head. "She was just cuddling and laughing with Sofia, and then all of a sudden she started freaking out and told me to leave. She wouldn't even look at me."
"She went through hell out there, Callie," Mark noted. "We all did."
"I know," Callie said. "Trust me, I know. But I don't know what to do. I don't know if the next thing I say is going to make her cry or have a flashback or something else I don't know how to deal with. What if I make it worse? I don't know how to help. And I have to go back to work and take Sofia home to sleep and now Arizona doesn't want me anywhere near her and I don't know why. She goes to sleep and wakes up screaming and I have to leave her here alone at night, and when I go to sleep I-I see her coming off the helicopter and she's so pale –" Callie stopped to catch her breath and rein in her emotion. "And I see myself waiting in bed for her in that stupid sexy nightgown, and I-I see her on the table with my hands inside her leg…" She shut her eyes to ward off the tears. "She's just…she's in pain; she's hurting all the time and it breaks my heart because I love her and-and that's not my Arizona. And I love her no matter what. I would love her if she'd lost both her legs out there or her memory or-or – but my Arizona is in there somewhere, at least I think she is, and I don't know how to get her out. I don't know how to help her, Mark. I love her so much but she's not herself. I love her but she's lost and I don't know how to find her!" Callie's voice broke and she finally let herself cry. She would have preferred to wait until Sofia wasn't around, but she just couldn't wait anymore.
"Na-na-na-na," Sofia whimpered. She didn't understand why her mommy was making that noise or why she was shaking all of a sudden.
"Hey." Mark's voice cut into Callie's sobs. His tone wasn't angry, just firm. "Callie, what we went through out there…" He paused, searching for the right words. "Nobody here is the same person who got on the plane." Callie wiped at her eyes, desperate to stop crying. Sofia squirmed in her lap. "She might not ever be your Arizona again. But she's still here. You still have her."
Callie nodded. "She blames herself," she said. "She keeps apologizing. She thinks she should have saved Lexie and the pilot."
Mark shook his head. "Do you know how amazing she was? Even when she was coughing up blood, she was the calmest out of all of us. The woman splinted her own leg and barely complained. You're married to a hero."
"I know that." Callie shook her head. "She doesn't." She wiped at her eyes again, a few more tears having leaked out without her permission. "She just lost her best friend from when she was a kid, which is kind of like losing her brother all over again. She was already upset when she left. She-she begged me not to leave her."
"Then don't," Mark said. He took Sofia's foot in a gentle grip and bounced it, hoping to calm her. It seemed to work. "Make sure she knows how much you love her. She knows, right?"
"Yes," Callie breathed. "Of course. I tell her every chance I get. I couldn't live without her. I told her that, too."
"Good," Mark replied. "You guys got lucky, Callie. It may not seem like it now, but you two are the lucky ones."
"She wasn't even supposed to be on the plane," Callie whispered brokenly. "She wasn't supposed to go. And then she went at the last second, and now…she's so scared, Mark. She's scared and hurting and she blames herself." She shook her head. "I don't know what to do."
"What about her parents?" Mark asked. "Do they know what's going on?"
Callie nodded. "I call them every day. They were going to come out here as soon as Arizona was out of surgery, but she didn't want them to. She says she's not ready to see them, but I think she's nervous about them getting on a plane." She laughed mirthlessly. "I don't really blame her."
"Maybe you should ask them to come anyway." Mark tickled the bottom of Sofia's foot. She laughed, albeit cautiously. "They can watch Sofia and maybe one of them can stay with Arizona at night so she's not alone."
"Maybe," Callie sighed. "I don't know. I don't know if it'll help."
Mark looked at Callie. "It can't hurt. If you really don't know what to do right now, maybe they can help. But at the very least they can help you with Sofia so you don't run yourself into the ground."
"Would you like that, Sof?" Callie asked the baby in her lap, who looked up at the sound of Callie's voice. "Would you like a visit from Grandma and Grandpa?" Sofia gazed at Callie for a moment and then turned her attention back to Mark, reaching for his nose again.
"You know," Mark said after a moment of silence, "I wasn't going to come back."
Callie's head snapped up. "What?"
"Lexie was gone, and it was so cold. I just wanted to close my eyes and see her again. I was going to…to go be with her."
Callie gulped. She'd come closer to losing her best friend than she'd thought. "Mark…"
"It hurt so bad. Everything hurt. It was dark, it was cold…I said I'd be fine. I said – I said goodbye. I told Arizona to take care of you and Sof."
The hand that wasn't around Sofia flew shakily to Callie's mouth. Tears were streaming down her cheeks once again, but she made no move to wipe them away. Sofia started to fuss again and Callie bounced her on her knees. The baby continued to fidget but stopped whimpering.
"But she…she made me open my eyes. She told me –" Mark closed his eyes against another swell of emotion. "She told me she needed me, that you and Sofia were waiting for me. She said we were going to get out of there and we'd go home together."
"Arizona," Callie breathed, her hand still trembling at her lips. "She really…she said…"
Mark nodded. "She was coughing up blood by then, but I still wasn't going to argue with her." Callie shook her head. Her wife got more amazing by the minute. She had splinted her own leg, she'd kept Jerry the pilot alive as long as she could, and she had apparently saved Mark's life. Callie really was married to a hero. "So I opened my eyes."
"Thank you," Callie said earnestly. "I'm really glad you did."
Mark took a deep breath. He wasn't quite at that point yet; he wasn't a hundred percent glad he had opened his eyes and left Lexie behind, but looking at his daughter and his best friend right now was pretty incredible. Arizona had known he would want to be here for Sofia, even if he didn't know it himself. "Arizona saved me," Mark said in no uncertain terms. "After everything we went through last year, after we fell out of a freaking airplane, after she splinted her own leg…she saved my life. That makes her a hero in my book, Callie. I know it, you know it, Lexie knows it. Tell her I said that." Callie nodded, too awestruck to say anything. "And tell her as soon as I can get up, I'm coming to see her."
"I will," Callie promised, eyes wide and voice raspy. "I'll tell her."
Tiptoeing cautiously into Arizona's room, Callie didn't know what to expect. She had been gone a little over an hour. Maybe Arizona had fallen asleep; maybe she was watching television or reading. Whatever she was doing, Callie just hoped that she had processed whatever happened earlier and was willing to talk about it.
Whatever Callie was expecting, it wasn't Arizona sitting up in bed, jaw clenched, the relief in her eyes clouded by frantic anger.
"Where the hell were you?" There was a barely perceptible tremor in Arizona's voice, but for the most part, it was steely.
Callie frowned, closing the door behind her and lingering where she stood. "What?"
"You promised you wouldn't leave. You fucking promised, and then you left anyway. So I'm asking you again: where the hell were you?"
Callie's eyes widened. Arizona had been angry with her before, sure, but she had never heard her like this. Arizona usually only cursed in the bedroom, and the one other time Callie had heard it, Arizona had been talking about a parent she had suspected of abusing a child. She'd been seething then, and rightfully so. What was transpiring before Callie right now was more extreme than ever before.
Arizona didn't seem to be caught in a flashback, but Callie wasn't sure. "Arizona, do you…do you know where you are?" she asked cautiously.
Arizona scoffed. "Of course I do. I'm in the same place I've been for over a week and where I'm going to be for another two months. I'm not an idiot, Callie." Arizona's voice was venomous.
"Okay." Callie held up her hands in surrender. "Okay. I'm sorry."
"Don't make this about me. Don't try to talk your way out of this. Answer the damn question. Where. Were. You? And don't you dare lie to me."
"I took Sofia to visit Mark." Callie kept her voice calm and steady. "You said –"
"You were with Mark? You took our baby and went to visit your old fuck buddy?"
"I took Sofia to visit her father, and our friend." Callie's hands shook. Arizona was scaring her. It was like she had left for an hour and walked back into 2010.
"Did you even think about me while you were with him?" Arizona's face was flushed. "While you were chumming it up with your baby daddy, did it even cross your mind that I was in here, unable to move, reliving all of the most terrifying moments of my life? Everyone leaves. Everyone always leaves, but you promised you wouldn't. You fucking promised! I trusted you! And then you disappear to go hang out with Mark?"
"Arizona, you told me to –"
"Fuck you, Callie!" Arizona shouted, tears streaming down her face despite herself. "Did you make plans to hook up after he gets out of here? Oh, well, Arizona's still stuck in the hospital with a bum leg, but Mark is good to go!"
Callie's head snapped back as though she'd been slapped. "Arizona, I don't –"
"I didn't know where you were –" Arizona paused as a choked sob escaped. "Or-or if you were coming back. I didn't know if something – something had –" She gasped in a breath, determined not to lose it entirely. "You can't – you can't just –"
"Arizona." Callie was at Arizona's bedside, voice soft but firm. Arizona shut her eyes against the torrent of tears. "Look at me." Arizona complied, but immediately closed her eyes again at the hurt and fear that resonated on Callie's face, just behind the concern. She had put all that there. "Arizona, hey." Callie gently cupped Arizona's face with one hand. "Please look at me." Reluctantly, Arizona opened her eyes again. "I took Sofia to visit Mark. He's her father, they love each other, and he just lost the love of his life." She stroked Arizona's cheek. "After we were done talking, I took Sofia back to daycare. I was thinking about you the whole time I was gone. I never stop thinking about you." She gave Arizona what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I'm sorry you were scared, but I went because you wanted me to, Arizona. You told me to get Sofia out of here and that I needed to leave. You-you told me not to come back. Do you remember that?"
Arizona shook her head. "I didn't mean it," she rasped.
"Then what did you mean?"
"I don't know." Arizona averted her eyes.
"And then – then I came back and you yelled at me. You accused me of – I don't even know."
"I'm sorry. Oh, god, Callie, I'm so sorry."
Callie shook her head. "What happened?" she urged. "Did you have a flashback? Or-or a dream? Because –"
"No," Arizona insisted. "Nothing like that."
"Then what?" Callie insisted. "What made you scream at me like that? What happened before, with Sofia? Did she do something? Did she hurt you?"
Arizona picked at some invisible lint on her blanket. "I heard Cristina's already operating again. It's only been a week. Isn't that crazy?"
"Arizona, don't do this," Callie begged. "Don't change the subject. Please don't push me away."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Arizona –"
"I said I don't want to talk about it!" Arizona snapped.
"So you're going to yell at me instead?" Callie retorted, raising her voice slightly. "That's not going to work. We both know that. I love you and I want to help you, but I'm not going to sit here while you scream at me and accuse me of cheating on you."
"Oh, god," Arizona breathed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I'm sorry."
Callie just shook her head again. "Sweetie, please," she pleaded. "Tell me something."
"I'm broken, Callie," Arizona said without looking up. "I'm broken. I'm not safe." She turned a haunted gaze to Callie. "I'm just so completely broken, and you and Sofia need to get away from me before I break you too."
"What?" Callie didn't know what else to say.
"Don't you get it?" Arizona implored. "Tim, Nick…George, Percy, Reed, Lexie…baby Tommy…you and Sofia…I was there for all of them. People keep dying around me. Callie, I am toxic. I'm not safe. I couldn't save them before, but I can save you and Sofia now."
"Arizona," Callie breathed. "You…you were trying to protect us?" Arizona nodded. "From you?" Another nod. "Baby," Callie murmured, suddenly choking on her own tears. "Arizona, baby, no." She gathered Arizona into her arms. Arizona shook, but she wasn't crying. She didn't want to cry anymore. "You've lost so many people," Callie said softly. Arizona just shook harder. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. But sweetie, none of it was your fault."
"I wasn't even supposed to be on the plane!" Arizona practically shouted. "I got on the plane and it crashed. I got in the car with you and we crashed. I loved my brother and he died! I love people and they die. I look at people and they die."
"And what about all those kids who wouldn't be here without you?" Callie countered. "What about Sofia? You saved her life. You saved Mark's life. You save me every day."
"What?" Arizona gasped. "Mark –"
Callie nodded. "He told me what you did out there. You're the reason Sofia still has a father. You're why we still have our friend. He doesn't blame you for anything. Neither does Lexie. He says you're a hero." Arizona scoffed. "It's true!" Callie insisted. "He told me. He was hardly on any painkillers! You can ask him." Arizona released a shuddery breath into Callie's chest. "Do you believe me?" Callie asked. "Do you believe nothing that happened is your fault? That you're not – what did you say – toxic?"
"No," Arizona sighed, "but I want to."
"Good," Callie encouraged. "That's good. Sofia loves you so much, Arizona. Do you see how she lights up around you? You're definitely a hero to her."
Arizona sniffled. "Do you still love me?"
"Oh, honey, yes," Callie breathed, her voice catching. "More than anything, Arizona."
"Even though I'm broken?" Arizona hedged. "Even though I can't work or help you with Sofia or make dinner or –"
"If I wanted a Stepford wife, I would have married April Kepner," Callie said dryly. Then her voice grew serious. "I would love you if you were up and walking around, and I would love you if you had no legs, no arms, and no boobs. Well, maybe not no boobs. Those are important," she teased, pleased when Arizona chuckled softly.
"Shut up," Arizona retorted good-naturedly.
Callie pulled back from the embrace and cupped Arizona's face in both hands. "I love you, Arizona Robbins," she said, looking right into her eyes. "No matter what, no matter what you say, nothing is ever going to make me stop loving you. Sofia and I never feel safer than when we're with you." She held Arizona's gaze for a long moment. "Okay?"
Arizona nodded. "Okay." She leaned her head back against Callie's chest. "I love you too, Calliope." She breathed in the comforting scent of her wife. "You're pretty much the only thing that makes sense to me right now."
Callie laughed. "I make sense? Now that's a scary thought."
"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Arizona said quietly. "And that I accused you of cheating on me. I know you wouldn't. I trust you. I trust you with my life. I-I wasn't actually mad at you."
"It's okay." Callie rubbed Arizona's back comfortingly. "You were scared, I get that. I'm not mad, either. Just…please don't do that again." Arizona murmured a noise of agreement. "I'm sorry if I scared you. But wherever I go, I'll always come back. Even if you kick me out of the room and tell me to go away, I'll always come back, okay? I promise." She felt Arizona nod against her. "Next time, just…just talk to me. Don't push me away. Just tell me what's going on, even if it's not the whole thing. I'm right here with you."
"Okay."
Callie ran her free hand through Arizona's hair. "We're not going to get it right every time," she mused. "But we can try."
They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, Arizona fully relaxing into Callie's arms while Callie continued to rub her back. She could almost forget about the pain and stiffness in her leg like this.
"Callie?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm scared."
"I know," Callie sighed. She laid a kiss on Arizona's head. "Me too. We'll be scared together, okay? We're going to do this together." Another kiss. "We'll get through this, I promise. We all will."
"How do you always know the right thing to say?" Arizona chuckled.
Callie smirked. "I learned from the best."
Arizona laughed and sighed, feeling her eyelids grow heavy. It was only mid-afternoon and already the day had been long. "I think I need to sleep," she confessed.
"Sleep," Callie agreed, letting Arizona move away from her to lie down. "Get some rest. I'll be here."
"I love you," Arizona declared, looking up at Callie with sleepy eyes. "And I love Sofia. And Mark."
Callie chuckled as she stood up, switching off the lamp on Arizona's bedside table. "Good to know. I love you, too." She leaned down for one more kiss. "My Arizona."
