Chapter 11 - The Logic of Accepting Assistance
"Well I am definitely not going to let you live this one down, Spock," Kirk said shaking his head. "So, let me get this straight. A well-endowed, scantily clad, and very drunk woman was totally throwing herself at you, and all you were thinking about was how to get rid of her?"
"Is that surprising?"
"I will never understand Vulcans. That bar tending job was totally wasted on you." He leaned toward Selina. "You said you knew Ser Motras. Any chance she'd let me sub for her sometime?"
"I doubt she would agree," a slow smile spread over Selina's face, "...unless I were to sit at the bar to limit your attempts at predation."
McCoy snorted laughter. "If you decide to take her up on it, let us know. I'll sell tickets."
"Trust me, Captain, " Spock broke in, "as your goals in bar keeping would be markedly different from mine, you do not want to subject yourself to that scenario."
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"Please, Selina." Spock spoke in a carefully level voice and still in Vulcan. "Do not even consider provoking her."
"Provoking?" she replied, as innocently as possible, also in Vulcan. "I would never consider provoking her." She paused to take a sip of her tea. "I could, however, make her unhand you ...but I would not want to cause offense by giving assistance where none is required."
"Thy assistance is not required." Formal Vulcan. He really was annoyed.
Spock began to move his arm away, but his drunken admirer held on and pulled it toward her. "Why don't you talk to me like that?" the woman pouted. She held his arm with one hand, and slid the other down his arm to grasp his hand.
"If you will release my hand, I will make you another beverage."
"It's not a beverage I want," she cooed. "Although you're certainly a tall drink of water."
Selina almost succeeded in stifling a laugh. Spock seemed to be speaking very deliberately to a point about 10cm above her head. "She is only inebriated and quite rude. I can deal with this myself"
"You have such nice hands and you're so warm," the woman said in a breathy voice.
"Madam, I must insist." He reached over to remove her hand, but she held tighter and leaned closer.
"You know my name's Tami. But that's okay. I think it's kind of kinky when you call me 'madam'."
She traced a little circle on the back of his captive hand. EW. That had to be excruciatingly unpleasant.
He was beginning to see the logic of accepting help. "You would not actually harm her or create an even more unpleasant scene?" he asked, returning to colloquial Vulcan.
"I will not even raise my voice."
He nodded.
Selina stood and turned to the woman. Her face was as perfectly expressionless as any Vulcan's, as was her voice as she addressed the woman in Standard. "Excuse me, but may I ask what you are attempting to do with my friend's fiance?"
"Your friend's, um, ...fiance?" The woman released her grip and took a step back. Selina stepped forward. "I-I didn't know," the woman stammered, " I mean, he isn't wearing a ring and..."
"Vulcans do not wear rings," Selina said quietly. "Nor do they discuss their marital arrangements with strangers." She stared hard at the woman with a face that appeared to be carved from stone.
The woman was backing away. "I'm sorry...really...I didn't know...that is, I wouldn't..." She turned and fled the bar.
Once she was out the door, Selina made a curt nod and then turned and gave Spock smug smile.
"Effective," Spock commented, straightening his shirt. He considered her for a moment. "I did not know that you and T'Pring had formed a friendship."
"We have not. I have met her only twice. However, I think you are well matched." She returned to her seat. "I believe she also found me irritating."
Spock lowered his head and clasped his hands behind his back. "I do not find you irritating." She could just see the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth. "At least not most of the time."
"I suppose I should take that as a thank you?"
"You have my sincere gratitude," he acknowledged. "Both for extracting me from the situation and for giving me a useful tool against such advances."
He really did not grasp the complexity of the situation. She stifled the purely evil impulse to allow him to think it would work. "I should warn you that the same approach may not work for you."
He raised an inquiring eyebrow.
"She left because she thought your betrothed's girlfriend was confronting her. If you alone had told her you were betrothed, she might have responded to the greater challenge by trying even harder to seduce you." He grew slightly paler at the implications of that statement.
"I do not understand. It is not logical to respond differently to the same data just because it is delivered by one person instead of another."
"Really? And did she seem like an especially logical person to you?" Selina made a small exasperated noise. "And do not pretend you cannot understand that responses can be different to the same data coming from different people. If I had been tending bar and a male grabbed me like that, I would have broken his nose and everyone else would have approved. In fact, some of the other men would probably have risen to help me. You know perfectly well the reaction would not have been the same if you had responded to her advances in the same manner."
He seemed to deflate a little. "Your logic is sound. My mother was unfortunately correct when she said that I had much yet to understand about human social dynamics."
"I would be willing to assist you," she said taking a holographic game cube out of her bag, "if you will play me - as your duties allow, of course. I have not had a decent challenge at 3D chess in several years."
Spock activated the game cube. "That would be most agreeable."
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"How could you not have told me about any of this?" Nyota punched Spock in the arm lightly, eliciting a rare surprised look from him.
"There was simply never an occasion requiring this information," Spock replied.
"Ri-i-ight." Kirk said. "Not that I blame you. The last person I'd ever introduce to a serious girlfriend is the little sister who knows how to push me around."
"Speaking of which," McCoy said, "if you'd ever be interested a job in sickbay, I could certainly use someone who can talk a stubborn Vulcan into accepting assistance."
"Making people see reason is part of my job," Selina replied. "But I have been told I should avoid medicine as my bedside manner would leave something to be desired."
"Bah! Bedside manner is over-rated." McCoy scoffed. "Especially for Starfleet, what you really need is the ability to bully a bunch of type-A personalities into slowing down and accepting treatment."
"As unpleasant as your bedside is, Doctor, I believe even you would object to some of the methods she might employ for bullying patients," Spock advised.
"Be kind 'brother'," she warned. "Or I shall tell them about how you were forced to host the annual event at the bar."
"You would not."
She lifted her chin slightly. "Wouldn't I?"
"You would not," Spock stated mildly, "Because then I would have to include the story of how Tim tried to force you to participate in said event. For the sake of completeness, of course."
"You would not," she challenged.
"Do you believe so?" Spock replied, his eyebrows lifting slightly.
The two appeared to be having a contest of wills to see who would blink first, when Kirk broke in. "Smitty's! You were tending bar at Smitty's!"
"I have no comment on the matter," they replied nearly in unison.
"Smitty's?" Nyota asked.
"The annual event - best wet T-shirt contest of the summer!" Kirk crowed. "Details! I want the whole story now and in excruciatingly graphic detail!"
Spock and Selina exchanged a look. Spock replied for both of them. "We do not think so."
"I could make it an order," Kirk suggested.
"No, you could not," Spock informed him. "Starfleet regulations specifically exempt personnel from having to obey lewd and inappropriately personal orders."
"C'mon," Kirk said. "Selina. You know you want to tell." He smiled hopefully.
"Not only do I not wish tell," she said with deathly precision, "but if you continue to press the issue, I will ask Ser Motras to see that a rumor is circulated through every female on this station that you carry a particularly virulent strain of Rigellian STD."
Kirk blanched. "You wouldn't."
"Do you believe so?" Her expression had returned to an excellent imitation of Spock's.
Kirk considered what Spock had told Bones a little earlier and the fact that his first officer seemed to be struggling to keep from actually looking amused. Bones, on the other hand, was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. Kirk looked her in the eye. If she was bluffing, he definitely did not ever want to face her in a game of poker.
"Fine. Consider it dropped," he conceded.
Nyota hooted laughter. "Oh, I definitely like you. Can I adopt you as a sister too?"
"You realize there is a ritual involved," Selina said solemnly. At Nyota's surprised look, she added, "I don't suppose you enjoy anything as illogical as... shopping?"
Nyota grinned. "I have a feeling this going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
to be continued...
AN: Selina is based in part on one of my relatives, a very petite woman who once told her husband "You're bigger than I am and if you decide to hit me, I can't stop you. But if you ever do hit me, you better kill me, because you have to sleep sometime." (Even if he had been at all inclined to violence, that would have definitely made him reconsider. You'd have to know her to fully understand.)
