28. Sue

"Take this out of me!"

It was one roar after the another. Nothing else could be heard in that ambulance. Not even the sound of traffic or the siren, just Sue Sylvester yelling like she was getting her guts ripped inside out. Wait a minute, she was.

"William! Give me your hand! No, not hard enough. Your head! That unhealthy amount of butter will protect your deficient brain. Aaah! GIMME SOMETHING TO SQUEEZE, CRUSH OR KILL RIGHT NOW!"

Yes, it was a hell of a road to the hospital.


"No, seriously, why do people always break their waters always before we have to accept a trophy?" Artie asked as they waited for the judges to deliberate in the dressing room.

"What are you doing?" Finn asked Puck, while holding Rachel in his arms.

The mohawk guy slid the phone in his pocket. "Santana and Brittany are going to the hospital. We should go too, right?"

"I have no interest in going to the birth/baptism/quinceañera of that succubus, and neither do you," Roz said while storming into the dressing room. "Now I am the coach in charge, so nobody moves from here till you sing We Are the Champions."

The remaining kids frowned before Puck headed to the door.

"I don't know your name, but you're so expelled if you want out into this jungly neighborhood. You can't leave the building without an adult, a bodyguard or proper protective measures."

"See you at the hospital?" he asked his best bro.

Finn nodded, and Rachel kept arching her eyebrows. "What are you up to? A make-up/birth surprise number? Oh! I love you so much!" She kissed her boyfriend.

The lights of the dressing room flickered, and the kids went back to the stage, along with the other two choirs. The first one was a high-school dropouts academy whose leader was a 40-year-old gospel singer of, in Sugar's words (I repeat: Sugar's) "the woman's church had to have more deaf people sitting on its rows than on the whole state." And there was nothing to say about the third choir, the Jane Addams girls. This time without stealing any of the New Directions' numbers. But they did lift a few wallets.

The nine boys stood between the other two clubs, waiting for the verdict of the judges. "In third place…" Mrs. Johnson from Johnson Audiphones said. "The Jane Addams Academy!"

The New Directions stepped back, not because they wanted to give their opponents their minute under the spotlight, no. Just in case there were retaliations. "And, the winner of this year's West-Central Ohio Sectionals is… Drumroll, please."

As nervous faces showed up among the other contestants, Rachel Berry's ego took control of her body. Ecstatic due to the man that was sitting in the first row and her near comeback to the Big Apple, she wrenched the microphone away from the judge. "The New Directions!"

She took a quick glance of the envelope with their name written on it just to make sure that she wasn't embarrassing herself and her choir for the rest of their pitiful lives. The kids started jumping and celebrating along the stage, passing the trophy from one's hands to another's. "You're welcome," Rachel whispered into Tina's ear before dodging a slap. She stuck out her tongue as she walked down the stage to kiss Finn.


"Female, 52 years…"

Sue punched the paramedic before he could finish the report of her state while entering the ER. "32! You son of a whore!"

"Take her to a labor room and strap her down," the paramedic said.


Once with the epidural running through her veins, Sue got incredibly relaxed. No one would have said that that was the same woman that almost set the ambulance on fire. "Hey there," a soft voice woke her up from her trance.

"Go back to hell, Grace Kelly," Sue answered.

Quinn chuckled as she sat down on the chair next to Sue's bed. She held her former coach's hand. "It's Q, Coach."

"Your gang of losers has already performed their de-renditions of three songs whose writers/singers will get indemnified on the next two to four months."

The girl smiled. "I am in town for the weekend and Puck told me that you went into labor, so here I am."

"You think that your experience on the field of teenage pregnancy will be useful in this situation?"

Quinn nodded. "The best thing you could do is relax, push when the doctor tells you to and…"

Sue spit at her former head Cheerio. "Seriously? That's your whole contribution to this historical moment in the History of our country?" She made a pause. "Q, I'm gonna be honest with you. I might not survive this birth. I know my life has just started, but the silver lining is that my first-born will have a powerful argument on his way to the White House."

Quinn's eyes filled with tears. "You what?"

"Yes, America, my mother died to give me life. Yes, America, I am a son of death. Yes, America, I am the light that can shine us through the dark days of the Communism that is ravaging our nation since that fatidic war that I will not mention, because the United States of America, Canada included, are bigger than their past! Yes, America, I am Sylvester Sylvester, and if I made it through death when I was one second old, I'll take you all to heaven on Earth! Here's to you Mom. Here's to you, Dad-who-will-be-so-proud-of-me-but-whose-name-remains-secret. Oh America! Oh!" After Sue finished pre-quoting her son's speech, she turned to Quinn. "And if you want to do something that doesn't make me wanna roll my eyes and puke for once since you jumped from a human pyramid for the last time, let me die doing the thing I love the most."


Sue's last wish got to be made true. Each one of the Glee kids passed through her room just to be insulted and ridiculed for one final time.

"Boobs, once upon a time I felt a glimmer of pride when I saw you walking down the hallways of our school. Do you know what I felt today when I saw you faking an impromptu performance?"

Santana nodded.

"Shame. Do you think you can sit in the audience and make us all think that you got to share a solo with Barbra the same way I would have if I had been the one on that seat? Shame on you and shame on the day you joined that dreadful Glee Club."

"You forced me, Brittany and Quinn to spy them from the inside."

"SHAME!"


"My poor poor Brittany. I will be brief with you for two main reasons: A) I don't think you can process more than a 13% of the words I'll say in the next minute and B) You have more than enough with the burden of being kidnapped for one more year in that choir room. And, by the way, I found your cat trying to eat my tampons yesterday, so I hung them by the tail from the ceiling. That's not the problem. The problem is it got an erection. Put away that depraved pet of yours."


"Oh, Barbra. One of the most hideous people I had the misfortune to meet. I never understood the appeal you have to young pathetic singers, even the gay ones. I want you to know that no one in this world will believe that you have had more sexual partners in the last four years than the blonde head cheerleader. And don't you ever think of telling anybody that you shared two men. That I know. I will find it all in half an hour when your parents' hearing and I have a catch-up in heaven."


"What's your name?"

"Joseph Hart."

"Do you know what you're doing here?"

"No."

"Me neither. Get the fuck out!"


"Wheels, I'm gonna be honest with you. I have some kind of affection towards disabled or handicapped kids. It might have something to do with my beloved sister. Or maybe it's some kind of counterparty karma needed to put on me since I am the most verbally brutal person on the face of Earth, soon on the brightest cloud of Heaven. But you are the exception that breaks my rule. My hate for you is not proportional to the movement of your legs. I hate you, your glasses, your weird voice and your gloves. And I do want you to give me those aforesaid gloves, because I want to take them to the cremation oven with me."


"Bowtied gay… Wait, no, you've nailed Berry. Damn. Bowtied undefined-sexuality boy…"

"Rachel and I didn't go that far," Blaine interrupted Sue.

"I truly do not care about that. Your relationship is equally disappointing whether you got into her ugly-as-hell pants or not. I'm going to be quick because I don't want you to start singing. I learnt to put up with your female clone's solos, but I swear to God that if I had to listen to another one of yours I'd go straight to hell, and that's a risk I'm not willing to take. Tell your brother that I've already arranged all the paperwork for him to be officially the guardian of his son."

Blaine almost fainted. "What?!"

"I was kidding. I just wanted to see if you had more facial expressions besides the puppy eyes you use when you stare at one of your poor sexual victims."


"I'll make my last confession to you. In these last three years I've tried to get into some of my favorite students' heads in order to rip some of your Glee Club captains' vocal chords. Fabray went nuts, Jones has a tendency to bond with other divas, something that will lead her career to the most depressing and drug-filled place in this world. So I put all my trust in you, Tina Cohen-Ming. There's a gunshot under my desk. I know you'll use it properly."


"Who the hell are you?"

And Sebastian walked out of the room.


"Macaulay, when I met you I thought you could be the one that saved my Q from that hustle and bustle of pathetic teenage lovers that led her to be in the same position I am today, having my precious vagina totally wrecked. But no, you let he drown in a pit of self-hatred while watching Puckerman date Zizes and Hudson nail Berry. You are the truly reason why her husband will only be able to see Ryan's Seacrest's face when that poor bastard puts her in all fours." Sue made a pause. "And, just for your information, I've spread a rumor that you are dating one of your stripper fellas. I wanted to see if after Berry, the gay after Hummel had developed a thing for big mouths."


"I won't talk to you because I don't know if you understand my language," Sue blurted out to Rory.


"I've set up a whole conspiracy to make you be the next leader of the New Directions. Start rehearsing, because the most powerful men and women of this glorious nation are waiting for you to have three solos in your next competition. You're so welcome."

Sugar hopped and clapped out of the room.


"Sue!" Will stormed into the room. "Why are you telling the kids that you're dying?!"

The coach rolled her eyes. "Oh, William, when that old bitchy nurse told me that my Kegel exercises had made my vagina too tight and this was going to be a long, long labor, I needed something to distract my mind of this baby whose head is trying to burst out of my body. For once your kids have been helpful. Don't blame me. Just be proud. And now, if you excuse me, I have a few inches more to dilate."


Quinn hurried up. She didn't want to run into any of her friends, ex fiancés or other people she hated. But, once again and following the tradition, what she wanted didn't go well. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no." She turned around to leave by the other exit.

"I owe you and apology," Finn said before she went round the corner.

Rachel elbowed him in his ribs. "No, you don't!"

He smiled at her girlfriend and let go of her hand, starting to walk towards Quinn. "I did what I didn't want to do. I swear that I didn't want to hurt you. But I couldn't find the moment to tell you that…"

"That you didn't love me," she said, still with her back to Finn.

The tall boy sighed. "Everything happened so fast… and…"

Eventually Quinn turned around. "When everybody confabulated to throw our wedding overboard you saw it all clear. Let's think about Rachel's feelings for once, right? Because nobody ever notices this little bitch."

"Here we go with the jealousy," Rachel said while giving a twirl with her hands behind her head.

Quinn took a deep breath. The deepest breath she had ever taken, actually. "And now I'm gonna go because it would have no sense to break your beloved girl's disproportional nose in a hospital," she told Finn calmly. "What's the use if you don't choke with your own blood?!" she ended up yelling at Rachel before resuming her way out.


"What the…?" Quinn said when she arrived at the parking lot. What she found was Artie (wheelchair included) sitting on the top of her car and Blaine, Rory and Sam leaning on it.

Puck came closer from her back and covered Quinn's eyes. "No, Shelby's not in Lima for the weekend with the girl. And yes, this is kind of a trap, but… you'll like it." He moved to stand opposite his child's mother.

[She will be loved – Maroon 5]

Puck:
Beauty queen of only eighteen.
She had some trouble with herself.
He was always there to help her.
She always belonged to someone else.

I drove for miles and miles
and wound up at your door.
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more.

I don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain.
Look for the girl with the broken smile.
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

Puck with Artie, Blaine, Rory and Sam:
And she will be loved.
She will be loved.

Puck:
Tap on my window. Knock on my door.
I want to make you feel beautiful.
I know I tend to get so insecure.
It doesn't matter anymore.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
it's compromise that moves us along.
Yeah.
My heart is full and my door's always open.
You can come anytime you want.
Yeah.

Puck with Artie, Blaine, Rory and Sam:
I don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain.
Look for the girl with the broken smile.
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

And she will be loved.
And she will be loved.
And she will be loved.
And she will be loved.

Puck:
I know where you hide alone in your car.
Know all of the things that make you who you are.
I know that goodbye means nothing at all.
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls.
Yeah.

Tap on my window. Knock on my door.
I want to make you feel beautiful.

Puck with Artie, Blaine, Rory and Sam:
I don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain.
Look for the girl with the broken smile.
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile.

Puck:
And she will be loved.
And she will be loved.

Artie, Blaine, Rory and Sam:
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

Puck:
And she will be loved.
And she will be loved.

Artie, Blaine, Rory and Sam:
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye. (Puck: Yeah. Yeah, yeah!)
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

Puck:
I don't mind spending everyday
out on your corner in the pouring rain.

Puck with Artie, Blaine, Rory and Sam:
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye.

"I… You… A serenade for me?" Quinn said in tears.

Puck held her hands. "You went to Cali for me. To try to make things up. Let's pretend it's July and you're in my place with no Finn in sight. Just you and da Puckerone." He made an obscene sign towards his crotch as he rocked his hips.

Quinn punched him playfully. "You know how to kill the moment."

And they both merged into a long kiss before the eyes of all the New Directions' kids and half of the patients of the hospital who came by to see Puck singing.

"We don't know how much time do we have till she loses it again and tries to hunt you down again, so we better hurry up back to New York," Rachel told Finn.

"You two owe that poor bastard a huge one," Santana added.