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What's gone and what's past help should be past grief [The Winter's Tale - William Shakespeare]

2nd of January 2091

An even tapping filled the dark chamber as a raven-haired boy paced around the room erratically. He was like a caged animal ready strike down his capturer if given the chance.

«Where the fuck is he.» he wondered out loud as he grabbed his hair in frustration «it's been over two weeks where the fuck is he!».

He punched the wall in front of him the chamber echoing with a sickening crack.

«Fuck…!» he leaned his forehead against the cold cement as he slid towards the floor.

He was nothing without him; he was the only one who could help him, he was the only one who could keep him sane. It's his fault if Ventus was here in the first place; he was the cause of the blondes suffering, he didn't know how but he was sure that if it weren't for him- He started to hyperventilate before he flung himself at the metal door in a fit of unadulterated fury.

«Xehanort!» he slammed his fists against metal barrier that kept him from wrecking complete and total havoc «Xehanort you sick fuck give him back! Give him back!» his fists started to bleed but he didn't care. He was used to the pain, this was nothing compared to what he was usually subjected to.

What did he do to deserve this? Why were they doing this to him? He didn't care about the pain, the humiliation or the confinement. He just wanted his life support back. He demanded to have him back.

«Xeha-» suddenly the door slid open and he was kicked in the stomach before a body collided with his own, sending him sprawling to the floor.

The boy cursed loudly as the back of his head harshly smacked against cement. A brief evil chuckle was heard before the light disappeared once again.

«Fucking-» he stopped as he felt the body on top of his give a small twitch «Ven?» he lightly touched his companion's head feeling the dirty spikes of hair. «Ven can you hear me?» he slowly pushed him in a sitting position.

«Ven, answer me!» he grabbed the boys face bringing it close to his. «Ventus what have they done to you?»

Suddenly the blonde's eyes fluttered open the revealing the deep sapphire orbs beneath. Very fact that Vanitas knew this made him gasp in awe. He could see them in this deep darkness. Ventus's eyes were steadily glowing along with his fair skin.

The only thing that could cause this is-

As the glow grew stronger the blond hissed in pain and started to struggle, whimpering in fear.

«Ven, calm- fuck- calm the fuck down. It's me, goddamn it, it's me!» he was used to the blond panicking when he came back from one of his sessions. But this was different this was fucking different.

«Ven-»

«No!» he yelled, «don't touch me! No more, please no more!» the blond started to scream in pain.

«Ven! Listen to me! I don't know how this happened but your-» the raven haired boy gulped «your fucking molecules- they're in an exited state, if you don't stop them you-»

«Have mercy please!» he sobbed in desperation.

«Ven-!»

Ventus gripped the front his companion's shirt and stared deeply in his golden eyes. Vanitas's face scrunched up in dread as he gaped at the tears of blood that slowly fell down the boys cheeks, he followed the dark red liquid as it gave a light caress at the cracks that were quickly forming on the blonds skin.

«Put an end to me,» (1) he whispered hollowly, his voice made Vanitas look away from the blood and at the blonde's deep blue irises. Ventus's gaze was emotionless; there was nothing of his blond friend there anymore.

When all that Vanitas could do was stare in shock at his broken companion, the blond screamed.

«Kill me! KILL ME!»

At that moment, something snapped within the raven-heard boy. After a moment of silence he gripped his companions arms fiercely and then, as his face broke in a big twisted smile, Vanitas's body started to shake before letting out a loud deranged laugh that mingled and intertwined with his friend's cries of anguish.

It was gone, he didn't know what it was, but it wasn't there anymore. It had been shattered in to million pieces, spat and stamped upon. It was just, gone. (2)

Slowly his laugh was reduced to chuckles before he forcefully pulled Ventus in a bone-crushing hug. The boy kicked, scratched and bit but Vanitas wouldn't let him go. If it were up to him, he would never let him go, not now, not ever.

Lightly he whispered in the blonde's ear «you've been a great help, and I thank you.» his voice broke «But now let me help you.» he held the boys face between his palms and leaned his forehead against the blonds. «I'm sorry, everything will be better now» he gave one last long gaze at those glowing sapphire irises.

There was a loud crack that echoed through out the chamber followed by something hitting the hard floor as the eerily light slowly diminished.

And then there was silence.

10th of November 2549

«In the past a lot of people have given up their lives, for many things; power, wealth, rights, freedom, love» I roll my eyes «and then truth. I've lived for many years and yet I have been unable to understand why people would fight for the "truth".» I quote the word with my fingers «All the other reasons are all, well, somewhat reasonable; they do make a person live better. But a fight for the "truth",» I quote again «I find that retarded, why would you fight for something that constantly changes? Sure the real physical truth might not be subjective. Physical "truth"» quote «is objective; if you've driven a knife trough a guys heart, you killed him, it's not subjective at all; that is as objective as you can get. You're a murderer. Period.

Whether that was the right or wrong thing to do, well that's a completely different story, I won't even go there, for that would be complete and total mind fuck.

But the fact remains that since we are individuals for us everything is subjective even the physical truth in a sense. It varies according to a person's belief. Proper human beings, well scientics to be exact, will always question everything and anything. If someone is questing for the truth of something, their quest will never end. How can you know that what you have in front of you is the truth? You simply can't.

Hell I'm not seeking for the reason "why I am here", I create my own reason. I'm pretty sure that even if God himself were in front of me and told me "the purpose of meaning" I'd still question him; I'd still question whether he is truly God. And if he were truly God how do I know that he is telling the truth? And even if he were a benevolent God, who says he isn't wrong? Who says the "ultimate" truth he gave me is correct? No one.

The truth is there, probably right in front of our noses but we're just aren't able to reach it.

So I say fuck 'em and their beloved truth.»

The brat lifts a condescending eyebrow «that's all cool and dandy, sir, but I cannot change the price of the newspaper only because you don't like it. And if you really think it's only spewing bull crap why bother buying one?»

«It's like buying a comic, brat. Why do you buy a comic?»

The teenager gives me a bored look «to have fun?»

«Exactly.»

«It's still five munny, sir.»

Fucking paperboy.

«Five munny is too much for a few sheets of paper, paperboy»

The brat sighs exasperatingly as he rubs his temple with his left hand «don't you have anything better to do rather than bothering a teenager, sir?»

I actually give a thought to that.

I hum loudly before answering negatively «No, not really.»

The brat pinches the bridge of his nose «you must have a horribly boring life there then sir.»

I shrug «Beats being a paperboy.»

The kid rolls his eyes «Do you have something against people giving out papers, sir

«I do if the newspaper is talking crap.»

«I thought you weren't interested in the "truth"» he quotes the word truth with his fingers.

I let out a chuckle «this is different, brat. I'm not looking for the truth 'cause I already know for a fact that, that I'm right.»

«Yeah? How so?» he leans languidly against a wooden pole beside him.

«Simple, before they eliminated science people were more aware of themselves and their surroundings, now that it's gone people are in a comatose like state.» the boys eyebrows jump at the implications making me grin «it's a simple cause and effect kind of logic. Though I doubt you'd understand, not with your kind of "culture".» I quote the last word with my fingers to spite him.

«You'd be surprised,» he retorts quietly making me cock my head to the side, but before I could question what he meant a shrill girly voice interrupts me.

«Squall! Hey Squall!»

The boy rolls his eyes and lightly sneers before turning towards the girl ignoring me completely.

Well, that isn't exactly good manners is it?

«It's Leon. What do you want, Rinoa?»

The girl pouts "cutely", making me gag.

«Don't be mean Squally. Cid said that we have to head back.» grabbing the brunet's hand she lightly tugs him towards the directions she came from. «How much did you sell today? Cid said that God would reward you if you sold more than twenty! Did you manage-»

I snort as the want throttle myself starts to grow.

«What idiocy.»

The girls pauses and stares at me tentatively «I beg your pardon?»

Whoops did I say that out loud? Oh, bad me.

«I said you're talking shit.» I retort simply.

Rinoa stares at me with a confused scowl, while the paperboy gapes at me in shock before narrowing his eyes and silently ordering me to shut up.

No way buddy, the fun is just about to start.

«What do you mean?»

«Rinoa, let's just go-» he tried to pull her away but she shook her head stubbornly.

«No.» she nods in my direction «explain yourself» she orders me making me chuckle. The need to strangle someone grew even more.

«There isn't much to explain. But I'll translate in to idiocy language; you're God is shit

The reaction was immediate, her face turned red and her eyes glistened in fury «That's blasphemy! How dare you!»

«Quite easily apparently.» I smirk.

«I'll call the authorities on you! You can't just insult our God and not pay the consequences!» she makes a laughable attempt to attack me but Leon easily holds her back.

«I can, in fact I just did,» I outstretch my arms and let my eyes flash briefly «and look I'm still here, alive and ready to denigrate your beloved God-»

«Silence you demon!» she screeches almost in hysterics.

«Rinoa, enough!» Leon yells as he tries holding back her struggling form.

She stops and gives him an incredulous look «How can you just stand there, and let this bastard insult him

«Rinoa-»

«Do you not believe in him?» she stares at him desperately.

«I,» Leon looked torn.

I laugh «To lie or not to lie, this is the question.» I grin insanely as he glares spitefully at me.

«Squall?»

The boy turns his gaze back towards the hysterical girl and sighs in defeat.

«Of course I do.»

I let out a booming laugh at that, attracting even more attention than the bratty bitch.

«I suppose that it really is subjective in this case isn't it. When it comes to human beings thoughts, it becomes indefinite.» I turn my back at him «truth, truth, truth you sure are a sneaky little bastard.»

I walk away cackling as the small crowd that had gathered around us opens up immediately letting my through.

As I turn in an alley I stare at a trashcan in particular before kicking if over. I roll my eyes as it cursed in anger.

«What did I say about not following me?» I sneer in disgust as the brat slowly crawls out of the container covered in various wastes.

The boy looks darkly at me making me raise an eyebrow in wonder.

«What?»

«Why did you say that?» he questions angrily.

«Say what, you stupid brat? Don't beat around the bush, go straight to the fucking point for fucks sake.»

Sora grits his teeth angrily «Why did you insult God?»

«That's one fucking retarded question right there, brat.» I scoff.

«You can't insult him, you'll go to hell!»

I look up at the sky as I wonder what had I actually done wrong to deserve such pain in the fucking ass.

«Answer me Vanitas!»

I stare down at him «Go back to Lea, kid. And don't bother me anymore.» I start walking out of the alley but the brat grabs my arm and holds me back.

«No! You must-»

I growl and grab him by the front of his shirt and slam him against the wall and hold him there at my eye level.

«I've had enough of your crap kid.» I snarl lowly as I lean towards his face, ignoring the strong stench of garbage all over his clothes «You want to know why I don't believe in your fucking God?»

The boy wheezes but nods.

I sneer «I do believe in a god, but it's not what you believe a god is. I believe that there has been something that started everything, the word god is just another way of saying "the trigger"; this trigger can be the big bang if you wish. My god hasn't created the morals and ethics like your God. Human beings have created those; morals and ethics have nothing to do with god. "He" doesn't give a flying fuck what we do on this fucking planet» I hiss lowly, why won't people just leave me the fuck alone? «And if the God you believe in actually exist, he is one fucked up son of a bitch. Why would you follow someone that makes you suffer for their own amusement? And don't give me that "God works in mysterious ways" bullshit. If one is born poor, if they don't do something for themselves they will die poor, God will not help them.» I glare at his cowering form «It's like being a devoted slave to a rich son of a bitch. Who gave him the right to control us? No one. Look at yourself.» I drop him to the ground and leer at him as he coughed, frantically trying to regain his breath «You're eight years old, I highly doubt you've done something so terribly "wrong" to deserve the torture you've received.»

The kid sobs pathetically «What if you're wrong?»

I let out a sarcastic laugh «"What if I'm wrong"?» I laugh again «what, are you going to become some sort of "just in case" kind of believer? That's so fucking lame. Either you believe or you don't, there are no patches of gray here.»

«But-»

I roll my eyes and crouch in front of him before I grab his arm «the fact is quite simple, kid. Do you want believe in something that doesn't mind watching people suffer for no reason?» I grab a rusty looking knife that lay conveniently beside us «Let's put it this way. If your God is a good guy,» I slam his hand against the wall «then something or someone will stop me from cutting off your hand, of course it will grow back, but it's still painful isn't it?» he stares at me with defeated look «In any case, as I said; if he's a good God and he does exist then something we'll stop this from happening,» he sniffles «if not, well…»

I clean my leather-gloved hands on the newspaper that I had stolen just a few minutes prior – yes I did manage to get copy while the idiotic coward was comforting his bitchy girlfriend -. I gaze languidly at the now redden newspaper, my face for once devoid from any form of expression.

There were neither sobs nor whimpers coming from the alley and I didn't like it. Silence was never a good thing. It always meant that something bad has happened or is about to happen. Yeah, the phrase "the calm before the storm" seems to fit perfectly in these situations.

I am aware of the fact that I probably mind fucked the kid completely and I'm also aware that if I were a bit more human I should probably feel ashamed of myself right about now – boohoo bad Vanitas bad – but I just couldn't bring myself to care. I just didn't have it in me and I couldn't just create it out of the thin air; it's not something that you generate artificially.

I am slightly disturbed but it's not because I felt bad – I have a history of mind fuckery that goes way back – it was that damn silence. Why can't he just cry like he always did?

This kid is bad news.

Gritting my teeth I quickly start walking forward and away from the silence.

Sora POV

I stare at my detached hand shakily. Only one thought ran through my mind; What now?

They've taken everything from me. My family, my friends, my house, my familiarity, my face, my person and now if I listened to that person I don't have God either.

I slowly lean against the wall behind me and sigh shakily.

If God doesn't exist does that mean that I'll truly never see my parents again? The only reason why wanted to keep on going was to not make my parents, who were looking from above, suffer.

What now…

Maybe he is lying maybe God does exist! Why shouldn't he? But… why should he…

If I give up now, would God really let me die? Would this be the end for me?

I let out a wry laugh.

But I don't exist anymore. The me that lived in Destiny Islands doesn't exist from the moment they kidnappedhim from his home. They've strippedme of everything. They destroyed it, my life.

I look at the blood that steadily flowed out of the gaping wound.

I clench my eyes shut as I finally let all the memories of the torture I had to endure bubble up again, the very ones I tried to keep away all this time.

Fear, anger, pain, humiliation, sadness, resign, …

Is this the part where I should forgive my enemy even though they've taken everything from me, just like in all those stories dad talked about? Am I supposed to play the part of the good person who "forgives and forget"? Should I forgive them because being good is what God wants us to be? That certainly would mean that God is good too, right?

Mum often told me that God is our creator. Then that would mean that he's like our parent, right? Isn't he supposed to show kindness to his sons and daughters so that we can learn from him? Give us the good example? If so then there shouldn't be any bad stuff happening in the world right?

And yet people do get hurt, people do suffer and people aren't saved.

A pool of blood surrounds me at an alarming rate, but I couldn't bring myself to care.

If the good God doesn't exist, does still mean that a God in general doesn't exist? There could still be a bad God. A God is still a God. But would I want to follow such an evil God? Someone that makes us suffer for no reason… why would I follow him… but do I have a choice in the matter?

I clench my fist.

If God is such a bad parent, then as his child I won't follow his will. But what can I do? I'm just kid, I've got nothing to throw against a God. I am merely human.

I slowly open my eyes and notice that I'm lying in my own blood; I must have fallen because of all the blood I've lost. I'll probably die if I continue this way. But would it matter. If God is bad and my parents are gone, is there point to my existence?

Maybe I should just die, yeah that seems like a good plan. No one is waiting for me.

Slowly my eyelids flutter shut, peace overcoming my person.

Soon the ache will stop and I will be finally free from the shackles of life. My body relaxes as I take a deep breath before exhaling. I feel liberated for the first time since I was captured; it's as if someone has finally decided to open my cage, freeing my spirit from this world.

But alas… life is a bitch and blissful feelings are always short lived. The wheels in my mind start turning again.

… But if I die, and God is evil, would that mean that I would suffer even more in the after life?

I snap my eyes open again.

I don't want to suffer anymore.

I force myself in a sitting position and stop the blood from flowing out of my body with little difficulty.

A lot of people are good, and they don't deserve to suffer.

I frown «I don't like this God.»

Slowly I stand up and walk out of the pool of blood that I had created, I will my hand to regenerate itself. I wince in exhaustion as I pant lightly, I still wasn't used to it.

People don't deserve to suffer, a lot people are good, why must they suffer? I won't follow such an evil God. But there's nothing I can do against a God.

My eyes widen in realization. What can piss off a God? I can go against him by not in believing him! But how can I do that, it's not like I can pretend to not believe, he would know.

... Vanitas.

«I have to find him» I struggle to stand up right.

«What in lords name is that!» a man screamed at my right.

«Oh my!» a woman gasped as she turned away in fright.

I stare at my growing hand.

Is it really that disgusting?

«What are you, you little monster? Are you a demon?» the man screamed as he hugged his wife.

«Calm down dear, maybe we should take him to the authorities» the woman whispers worriedly.

«Perhaps you're right,» the man nods. «Come on boy, let me help you with that.»

I feel blood drain from my face as I start to sweat. The man approached me but I couldn't move.

If this man catches me it's the end.

The man is only one meter away from me.

I heard that a life of torture and agony was destined to those who defied nature and those who are scientics.

The man reached out for me.

I certainly fit in the first section, so why won't I move? Didn't I say that I didn't want to suffer anymore?

The man grazes my shoulder.

Move!

He grasps both of my shoulders in a firm hold, and grins.

«Good boy.»

Suddenly the man's head is smashed harshly against the brick wall. As blood hit the only clean side of my face all I could do was stare in awe.

«Fuck, you really are useless aren't you?» a voice says irritably as he pushes the unfortunate victim further against the wall. «I came all the way here, so that I could put an end to your sufferings, and I find you in a deep load of shit. Again.»

«Marcus!» the woman shrieks hysterically.

«Oh shut the fuck up! What is it with women and screeching, goddamn it,»

I stare at my savior, «Vanitas…?»

«What!» he yells irritably but I don't even flinch at his harsh tone.

I feel a grin stretch on my features «Thank you!»

Vanitas gazes at me in shock «Hey, wow wow don't take this the wrong way, brat! I just wanted to stop the silence!»

I ignore his weird reasoning and do what was probably the most irrational thing I've ever done in all my life. I hug him.

«Oi what the fuck!»

«Thank you Vani.» I whisper in his chest.

«Hey, what's with the nickname?» his chest rumbles as he growls angrily but all I could do was smile.

Smile. Smile like as if your life depends on it. My mum used to say, and strangely enough. It really does depend on it.

«Please take me with you Vani.»

My mentor harshly pushes me away from me and keeps me at arms length.

«There, I fucking knew it. You try to be nice and they think they can walk all over you. The answer is still no brat.»

He narrows his eyes at me with a confused frown when I look up at him.

«Are you on crack or something? Why the fuck are you grinning like an idiot?»

My grin widens «I don't want to believe in God anymore Vani, please help me out.»

His raises an eyebrow and leers making me pout «Man, I want to do that too!» I whine referring to him raising an eyebrow.

He smacks my head harshly «What's the with the whining?» He feels my forehead «You've completely lost your mind haven't you?»

Have I? I wonder, but my grin doesn't falter, if I stop this "charade" I'll collapse.

My grin widens even further as I nod happily.

«Teach me Vani!»

He pushes me further away, «No. Give me one good reason why-»

«I can help you find Ventus.» he freezes «and I have a bunch of information you might need.» I say out loud as I twirl around on the spot «Like why your arm didn't re-grow normally when you fought against me and Xion or-» I pause when he grabs my shoulder harshly.

«How do you know about Ventus?»

I cock my head to the side and hum in thought «They've mentioned him a few times while they were experimenting on me. But I'll tell you only if you agree to take me with you.»

My soon mentor to be snarls angrily «Don't fuck with me kid, if you don't tell me I'll kill you-»

I giggle lightly interrupting him in mid rant «Oh Vani, I've got nothing to lose.»

Liar.

«Either you take me with you or I don't have a reason to live.» I smile sweetly «and believe me, you'll be needing my help in future.»

He glares at me spitefully, but I stand my ground.

This is the only way I can defy him.

I don't want to die, but it's true, without Vanitas there's no way I can reach my goal on my own.

An eternity seems to pass before Vanitas shakes his head before one of his trademark smirk stretches on his features, he gazes at me with a mischief glint in his eyes.

At that very moment I knew that I had won.

I small smile blooms on my features.

Won a ticket to one hell of a ride that is.

If you're interested in this story leave a review, negative reviews are accepted too; though I doubt I'll get any positive ones this time ¬¬

(1) if you know what I'm referring to, I swear I didn't do it on purpose xp

(2) hmm does anyone know what he lost exactly? X3