This one's a bit longer than most, but the idea was so great that I had to write it down almost as soon as I thought about it. If you haven't seen any Lauren Cooper, I recommend you go watch a few episodes before you read this- they're less than five minutes long each and hilarious. This is based off of Lauren Cooper's style of verbal attack- copyright Catherine Tate.

Still enjoying her recent victory over Obi-wan, Asajj was in a rather pleasant mood at lunch, although she and Obi-wan found themselves at a table alone. This was not a rare occurance, since so many people despised her, although she felt bad that some of Obi-wan's friends were giving him a cold shoulder whenever she was present. However, no one had outright insulted them since her arrival, which was what made it surprising when a Padawan walking past hissed "Pathetic Sithscum" at them.

"And a lovely day to you too." Obi-wan muttered back.

"That was…?" Asajj asked, watching the boy's receding back.

"Samson. His Master and I aren't on the best of terms. To be honest, I'm surprised that he said anything without his Master around, since she usually snaps at him when he speaks without being asked a question."

"So you have enemies even here, Kenobi?" she asked. "Who is this master of his?"

"Tarna Ress." Obi-wan said with a slight scowl. "She hates my guts, for some reason."

"And you feel the same?"

"Well… hate is a strong word. But I sincerely wish that she would go mute." Obi-wan took a bite of his sandwich, and finished chewing and swallowing before he spoke again. "It seems like she never has anything pleasant to say to me. She even tried to have myself and Anakin expelled from the Order a few times. Nearly succeeded with Anakin, although her proposals about me were turned down right away, thankfully."

"And how long until she's after me?"

"Not long, I'd guess."

"And you'd be right." A cold female voice stated, and the two of them looked up to see a tall woman who appeared to be half human, half Togrota approaching the table.

"Speak of the devil." Obi-wan muttered, putting his sandwich back on his plate.

"Oh, you were talking about me? How… touching. I see you've alienated the whole Temple with your apprentice."

"Just like you've alienated them with your personality, I suppose?" Obi-wan asked levelly, still seated.

Tarna cut to the chase. "When are you going to stop taking on rubbish as apprentices?"

"When are you going to stop talking to me?" Obi-wan retorted.

She ignored his reply. "After all that's happened in your messed-up teaching line, I'm surprised the order has even allowed you to continue training. If it were me in charge, you'd be out of the Temple by now."

"You're not in charge." Obi-wan pointed out.

"You're continuing a line started by a Jedi who is now a powerful sith, and filled with failures. Didn't your master ever tell you that his first Padawan went dark? Haven't you noticed how poorly your old Padawan does at following rules? And now you're taking on this dark filled mess? You're a risk yourself, we don't need you training people who shouldn't be here to begin with."

"Dang it, Tarna, will you give it a rest?" Obi-wan snapped, his calm composure somewhat shattered. "You've been insulting myself, my master, and my Padawans from the start, and what good is it doing you?"

Asajj thought she knew that answer. There was a subtle smirk on the master's face, and a satisfied gleam in her eye. She'd upset Obi-wan, and that gave her some sick satisfaction. And Ventress was not going to stand by and let this vulture bother her master day after day.

"What good it's doing is that maybe someone besides me will have an interest in taking out the trash in this Order."

Obi-wan rose to stand face to face with her, although even at his tallest, she still stood above him. "Throw your insults at me all you want, but you're talking about my Master's memory, my friend Anakin, and my current Padawan, and they are very important to me. So I recommend you stop."

"Oh, and what are you going to do about it Kenobi? Negotiate me to death? Maybe run to the council for help, like you did when you were training the Chosen One?" Her eyes flitted towards Asajj. "Or send your savage new Padawan on me?"

"That is enough." Obi-wan stated coldly, although Asajj could see that he really didn't know what he'd do if she continued. Luckily, Asajj did.

"Am I bothered though?" She asked quietly.

Obi-wan turned to look at her quizzically, and Tarna retorted with, "Padawans should only speak when asked a question."

Asajj stood, her eyes level with the other Jedi's. "Well, I'm asking the question right now. Am. I. Bothered."

Tarna looked at her for a moment, perhaps unsure of what to counter that with.

"No, I'm not bothered. You called me rubbish, and I'm not bothered. Look at my face." Ventress continued. "Do I look bothered?"

"Sit down!" Tarna ordered.

"You know what? No. I'm not sitting down. You don't order me to sit down, Obi-wan does. And look at his face. Is he ordering me to sit down?" she took a quick glance at Obi-wan who looked startled, but pleased. "No, he's not. So regardless of what you tell me to do, I'm not bothered!" Asajj was almost shouting now, and a few people in the cafeteria were looking on.

"Don't you dare talk to me this way, you filthy, uncivilized-"

"Uncivilized?" Ventress caught on the word. "You're insulting me again. You're insulting my home planet." Tarna tried to interject, but Asajj didn't let her. "You're insulting my entire planet. And you're insulting my dear master Obi-wan and the Jedi order. And you know what?"

Asajj paused to see if Tarna would have a response. She didn't.

"I'm. not. BOTHERED!"

"That is enough!" Tarna shouted. By now all the surrounding tables were watching their little match. "Kenobi! Control your apprentice!"

Obi-wan looked more amused than anything else. "With all due respect, Master Ress," -his voice was coated with sarcasm- "You seem to be the one out of control here."

"I am most certainly not out of control!" This statement was contradicted by the fact that is was shouted nearly in his face.

"You look bothered." Asajj put in, still coolly.

"You, shut up!" she shouted.

"Shut up?" Asajj asked, the focus again on her. "You know what I say to that?"

"I told you to-"

"Not bothered!"

"Shut up!"

"Not bothered."

"Shut up!" Louder and angrier.

"Not bothered." Calm and amused.

"Shut up!"

"Not. bothered."

Tarna was seething, despite the fact that the entire cafeteria was staring at her. In clear contrast in volume to her earlier shouts to shut up, she hissed, "I hate you."

Ventress looked back at the other woman for a moment, delight glimmering in her eyes, before finally responding at the same volume- "And I'm not bothered."

The Jedi let out a shriek of frustration that made sure everyone in the cafeteria was watching. "I refuse to speak to such an insolent, obnoxious, bratty-" she sputtered for words.

"Uncivilized?" Obi-wan put in helpfully.

"-Uncivilized witch!"

Asajj got in the final say: "I'm not-"

"Don't you even say it!" With that Tarna whirled on her heel and strode off through the cafeteria.

"Bothered!" Asajj called after her cheerfully, if only to hear the indignant scream coming from halfway across the room.

And then, slowly, the other people in the room started to applaud. One by one, they stood from their seats, cheering more and more enthusiasticly as others joined in. She knew that some of them couldn't have even seen who she was, but they were definitely pleased at her victory.

"That was brilliant." Obi-wan said simply before flinging his arms around her in delight, which was not something he usually did, so she just enjoyed it. As the cafeteria settled down and sat back down, the two of them included, he added, "No one has ever talked her down like that before."

"Eh, it was good seeing her frustrated, after what she was saying to you." Asajj responded, as though it were no big deal to make the most obnoxious Jedi in the Order run away in frustration.

"And you've been watching way too much Lauren Cooper."

"That, Kenobi, may be true." With that, they went back to lunch.

Asajj Ventress: 1
Tarna Ress: 0

Score one for Ventress! Again, I implore you to go watch Lauren Cooper. Up next, Asajj has to face Torin again. So until then, bless your face. If you sneezed while reading this story, bless you. Peace off. ((Tobuscus, anyone?))