Chapter 1 | Naissance
We all have a propose. We are all here for a reason. Many of you are probably shaking your head at naivety. You're probably laughing at my philosophical bullshit. Because you're too afraid to admit to yourself that I'm right. And it's okay to be scared. It's called being human. We all make mistakes. Some of you may have cheated on your wife, some of you may have lied to your best friend, and some of you might have circled the wrong answer on your history test. They were mistakes. You didn't mean to do it, it just happened. It was all an accident.
You're also probably wondering where I'm going with this. To be completely honest, I don't really know. I felt that was a good way to begin all this. Because, it's a lot.
I wish I could tell you that I lived a carefree, happy childhood. But I would be a flat out liar if I said that. My childhood was one of the darkest times of my life. No fairytales and laughter. Just nightmares and screams. I know I shouldn't really complain because I know that someone out there had it worse, way worse. Maybe still has it worse. Who really knows?
I was six years old the first time I saw it. I had spent the day with my grandmother and had just gotten home. If I could call that place home. I walked in the front door and noticed how quiet it was. Unusually quiet. I went to my mother's bedroom door and put my ear against it, and I didn't hear a peep. I opened the door and walked further into the room, I found her lying on the bed. I thought she was dead at first. She showed no sign of life. She had dark circles under her eyes, and her skin was sickly pale. I accidentally kicked something with my foot; I looked down to find a bottle of liquor. At the time I thought that this was a onetime occurrence. Little did I know, this would happen every day for the next seven years.
My first day of school was torture. My mother shoved me into this stupid poufy, pink dress; I looked like a cupcake on acid. This was first grade for God's sake not a beauty pageant. I walked into the room and all the other brats stared at me the entire way to my desk. Was I an alien or something? Last time I checked I wasn't. Some kid named Tom became my best friend that day and has been my best friend for the past twelve years. Tom and I had a weird friendship; he was light where I was dark. We were polar fucking opposites. But they do say opposites attract.
In my time in school I also dealt with the snooty bitches that never had to lift a finger in their life. I hated them the most. I know you're not supposed to hate anybody, but I break a lot of rules. We'll get into that later on.
Ashley Moore was the bane of my existence. She was the vilest person I have ever encountered. She lived in this big house on Blackberry Lane. Fucking Blackberry Lane. The snake got whatever her heart desired. She was a demon. I swear that bitch came straight from hell. She always pushed me around, always hit every nerve.
Ashley Moore died in a car accident in college, drunk driving.
My reason for telling you about Ashley is because she was foolish with her life. She thought that she was invisible. She thought her money could make her immortal. Her money was her downfall. Money was all she ever had. I pity her for that.
My story I filled with things like this. Death is just a part of life. It will happen to everyone, someday. You could be driving to work and the car in front of you loses control, you're dead. You could suddenly come down with an illness, it's a disease you've had for years but didn't know of it until now, and you're dead. Or you could be a sad teenage girl who thinks there is no point in life anymore, you hang yourself in the willow tree you played in as a child, you're dead.
I know this is all fucking depressing. I know, really. And I wish I didn't have to make it so. But this is my life, this is what happened. I can't change it believe me if I could I would.
I would have said yes when Tom asked me to be his girlfriend. I would have apologized to Ashley before she was ripped in half in that car accident. I would have gotten on my knees and begged my mother to stop what she was doing. I would have gone to church more often. I would have not cheated on that stupid phycology test senior year. I would have gone to prom. I would have tried to eat healthier.
But I didn't. I didn't do any of those things. And I fucking hate myself for that.
Life is a fucked up thing. It's the hardest thing to get through. I know I'm preaching to the choir when I say these things. You've most likely heard them all before. I'm sorry my insight goes no further than my "life fucking sucks, get the fuck over it" spiel.
I never take my own advice. I always wallow in the stupid shit. I never look for the positive. I never try and be a happier person. I don't see the point in living a lie. Because it would be a lie.
My life was kind of like watching a star die. I was bright and new as a child. But the longer I lived the dimmer my light became. Until I finally fell from the sky.
And that's what I did, I fell.
