Old Friends and Lovers


"You never really described Allen in detail," Nyota said in her own defense. "Other than that he was pale and a redhead."

"And tall enough that I had to reach up even to kiss his cheek," Selina added. "Of course, he did not have the beard when we first met, and now it is one of his most distinctive features."

"So, I don't understand why you were so mad at Spock for fixing you up with him," Nyota said. "You clearly like him."

"Of course I like him," Selina said with a small exhalation. "Next to Spock, he is probably my oldest friend - a relationship that exists despite, not because of, a certain Vulcan's interference."

"But Allen wanted to be more than just friends with you."

"And I with him. He is a good man and more attractive than he will ever give himself credit for." She frowned. "That is something else that might have worked out better without interference."

"But - "

Selina shook her head. "It may have been for the best that it did not. I met David a few years later, and by then we firm friends so he was genuinely happy for me. He and David became friends too. They served together on the Armstrong before Faf was reassigned to Langley. For some time he saw more of David than I did, and in his own way he mourned him almost as much. In fact, it was Faf who forced me to actually grieve."

"What do you mean?" Nyota asked.

"In case you have not noticed, I am quite good at suppressing my emotions when I wish to," she said with wry smile. "It is not as healthy for a human as for a Vulcan, and I generally prefer to feel to the extent that I safely can. However ...that sort of loss was something I chose not to feel, certainly not fully. I am sure that everyone thought that I was in shock, or at least everyone except for my mother and Spock, and I imagined that Spock was probably enormously relieved that I was dealing with it more like a Vulcan."

"But Allen wouldn't let you."

"He was somewhere inaccessible on an extended assignment when it happened. He could not come to the memorial service, but he somehow sent me a handwritten card - on actual paper, of all things! And then over a month later, he just showed up at my embassy and asked if we could go somewhere and talk. I had of course buried myself in my work, so when I asked the Ambassador if I could have the afternoon off to visit with an old friend, he said, 'Thank God - Go!'."


.

Selina lifted an eyebrow. "What, may I ask, is that thing?"

"It's what the rental agency gave me. Just get in, there's somewhere I want to take you."

She climbed into the passenger's seat and settled back as the craft lifted. He looked over at her. "You should close your eyes. It'll take a bit to get there, and unless I miss my guess, you haven't been sleeping much."

She did not close her eyes.

"Okay," he said. "But you know how I drive. You'll wish you'd closed them."

He hit the acceleration and swerved around city traffic until she was quite tempted to at least look away. She refused to speak with him when he drove like that. When they reached country, he went even faster. It was not an extensively developed world. Beyond the city and a ring of agricultural land, dense forest rose before them. The vehicle lifted higher and sped over treetops toward true wilderness.

"Is there any chance that you are going to tell me where we are going?" she finally asked. "We would appear to be headed for the middle of nowhere."

"Precisely." He slammed on the brakes and descended into a small clearing.

She took a steadying breath. "And may I inquire why?"

"I have something I want to show you." He pulled out his communicator and scrolled to a number.

"My mother's contact code?" She raised an eyebrow.

"She's worried about you. She called Spock, but a Vulcan isn't exactly the best messenger for telling someone they shouldn't keep everything bottled up inside. So when I got back, he gave her my number."

She could almost hear Spock saying 'I believe there is an earth phrase: turn about is fair play?' She took another deep breath. "I do not see how this relates to our current location."

"You need to grieve. You need to drop all of that perfect control and let out what you've got pressed down inside." He quailed slightly at the look she gave him. "According to your mother, that is. And she was widowed when she was just a little older than you are now, so I think she probably knows."

Selina looked away. "I cannot. My shields -"

"Will collapse and you'll project. That's why I brought you out here." He waved a hand across the scenery in front of them. "Not another sentient being for hundreds of kilometers."

"Except for you."

He shrugged. "You shouldn't do this alone and we both know my sentience is questionable at best."

She shook her head. "You do not understand what you might experience."

"I think I do. I'll hear your thoughts, feel your pain. I'll probably even cry." A half-smile creased his beard. "But you already know that I'm big marshmallow. It's not like I have some macho image to maintain here."

Even in her carefully dispassionate state, she was touched. He was a much better friend than she deserved and she would not subject him, even at his own insistence, to what he was suggesting.

"You have no shields, no protection," she said. "I will not do that to you."

He put a hand on her shoulder and looked at her earnestly. "I've been in your backwash before. I know this will be more intense, but how about you do me the courtesy of letting me decide what I will or won't have done to me?"

She looked out the window. "I do not think I am ready yet."

"I know that you can't just drop your control like that. Take whatever time you need. I'll wait." He slid over, put an arm around her and gently pressed her head against his shoulder.

She allowed his arm, but raised her head back up. "I mean, more time than just this afternoon."

"That's okay. After this last assignment, I've got all kinds of leave built up and I've got an open-ended lease on this thing. In fact, that funny-looking hatch in the back opens into a fairly nice camper." He said it very casually, looking straight ahead out the window.

Her eyebrows shot up and a twinge of irritation asserted itself against her control. "Are you seriously threatening to keep me out here until I comply with this scheme?"

"I have groceries and two suitcases in the back. Your mother packed yours, so it should have everything you need."

"You may have leave, but I have my work to return to tomorrow." An edge was creeping into her voice.

"Well, here's the thing: the Ambassador called Spock too. If you're not there when Spock calls tomorrow morning, I'm pretty sure he can clear everything with your boss." His voice was very gentle, but she couldn't help noticing just a hint of smugness.

"You think that you can hold me out here?"

He nodded. "I sort of reprogrammed the starter for this thing before I picked you up. It won't go anywhere unless I tell it to. And I wouldn't recommend hiking out, it's a long way and you know the Ambassador would send out a search party, which could be pretty embarrassing."

She looked back out the window. He had clearly thought a number of moves ahead. And Spock and her mother had helped - a particularly difficult combination to overcome. Her eyes narrowed as she considered options.

He was watching her. "Don't make me quote Spock here," he said. "He told me to tell you to accept the logic of accepting assistance."

Her head swung around. "You..."

"Are insufferable?" he finished. "So I've been told." He looked at her with a tender smile. Damn. This was why he was so good at cracking systems. She had steeled herself against grief, so he had dented her control by provoking her temper. Now other emotions were worming their way out. This could be very bad and he really did not know what he would face.

"We have an agreement," she warned, reaching up to touch his temple. "If my shields collapse with you nearby, I will see your mind as well."

"I am willing to amend that agreement for special circumstances." He took her hand. "David was my friend and I miss him too. If you're thinking about him and I'm thinking about him, then he's all we're going to see. I can handle that."

She lowered her eyes. "I am not certain that I can."

He pushed her head back against his shoulder again. "I'll make a deal with you. You need sleep almost as much as a good cry. Sit here and relax and close your eyes. We'll both just remember David quietly for awhile - what did he call it? sitting shiva? If you decide to open up, fine. If not, let yourself fall asleep and I'll lay you in the back seat and drive back nice and slow."


.

"Of course, he won that one. Or lost, perhaps, since I think it really was more than he had bargained for," Selina said. "It is difficult to be laid bare like that and we were uneasy with each other for a while afterwards." She looked up from her reverie. "Do not look like that Nyota. It is all in the past."

"Is that why you were accusing him of hiding from you?" Nyota asked, blinking away the moisture in her eyes. "Because it's difficult to be together after that?"

"No. That is a pattern from well before then. And of course, with his job there are periods where he just seems to drop over the edge of the galaxy for weeks at a time. It really is perfect for him, since he can sometimes be so reclusive that he makes Spock look like an extrovert. In fact, I strongly suspect that if you had not dragged him out, he would have found a way to avoid me entirely." She smiled. "Of course, he would waited and then very casually mentioned that dress at some point when he judged the experience was far enough behind me that I would not react too strongly."

"But you've never gotten back together?" Nyota asked.

"We have an agreement. I will not say that we have never breached it, but it has been in place for a long time now," she explained. "I want you to understand because once I saw Faf, I suspected that Spock hoped to throw us together again, and he does not need an accomplice."

"What agreement?"

"We were together just long enough that I began to touch his mind perhaps a little too easily. He was never comfortable with it, a definite impediment to a relationship with a telepath, as I am sure you can understand." Her mouth twisted sideways. "When we broke up, we agreed that if we were going to remain friends, I would stay out of his head." She looked at Nyota intently. "That is partly why I intend to be on the station tonight. Since I cannot listen for him, I must be there in person."

"Spock will be there," Nyota reassured her. "I'm sure he won't let anything happen to Allen."

"Spock can use looking after as well. He is too reticent about listening to the minds around him and he does not have my range."

"But it's just a raid on a casino. They're small time criminals, nothing that station security won't be able to handle."

Selina paused, as if weighing a decision. "Nyota, you are a bridge communications officer and so have a certain level of clearance. I believe I can trust you to keep a confidence?"

"Yes, of course."

"This may go off as just a raid. I sincerely hope that it does. But there is considerably more than a bunch of small time criminals involved here. I will not ask you to try to sway Spock. In this, I know that I cannot. And I would not put you directly between us. However, I will be on that station tonight."

"Neither of them wants you to be there," Nyota argued. "Allen was seriously distracted when he realized it was you on the casino floor and when you collapsed, I almost thought he was going to try to jump through the screen."

"That was not just because it was me" Selina said. "Faf has his own grief that he will not allow to be eased and if things go wrong, I fear that it will lead him to place himself in danger."


AN: We are getting our first foster dog since losing our old boy, which is bittersweet. So I am in a mood to write more angst/comfort than humor here (although Faf's driving resembles my dh's). And I had to explain her relationship with Allen and why things didn't work out between them romantically.

Selina remembers him as Allen from when they first met, but she has been calling him Fafhrd long enough now, that Faf comes out more naturally for the friend in her present.

In the last chapter, Faf seemed to think she was more inclined to like the doctor. That probably wasn't just teasing her about falling for a physician. Bones might not have been able to pull together the technical details of forcing her face her grief, but it's the sort of thing I could picture him trying if he'd known her back then - although there probably would have been more cussing and open provocation when she tried to refuse. If Allen gets any say in her choice, right now I think Bones would have an edge.

So I'm probably going to need to give Jim a chance to catch up a little. More humor in the next chapter, I promise.