At first, I didn't recognize where I was. But when I did, it was with horror.
I was walking in a forest. It was cold and wet. All around me everything was green; tree trunks, rocks, everything was covered in moss. The treetops filled the sky like a green roof and it felt very claustrophobic. I noticed that there was no light shining through the leaves, so it had to have been night and the forest was very dark.
I was just walking. Nothing else, walking and searching, compulsively, not sure what I was looking for.
Suddenly I knew where I was. I was very conscious of the fact that I was dreaming but I couldn't make myself wake up. I knew that it was coming; the point when I would realize that there was nothing to look for. Nothing left.
I hadn't had this nightmare in almost two months and I had foolishly let myself believe that maybe it was gone forever. But now I found myself wandering in the woods, searching until it came, the point when I realized there was nothing to look for, nothing left that mattered. It was usually at this point that the panic started.
I woke up, screaming at the top of my lungs. There were tears running down my cheeks. I wanted to kick myself for my little trip down memory lane last night, which was surely the cause for the nightmare. Even if I was better now, I still couldn´t think about him too much.
I looked at the clock on my nightstand: 6 a.m. Good, I thought to myself, it wasn´t too early to get up. I definitely didn't want to go back to sleep, so even though I was exhausted I dragged myself out of bed.
I looked out the window and saw that Charlie's cruiser was already gone. Off to work. He'd been working a lot lately, with all the deaths that Victoria had caused.
I shivered at the thought of the lives lost at my expense. I tried to take comfort in the fact that Victoria would have"eaten" wherever she was, but still I felt very guilty. And I was scared stiff by the fact that Victoria was here, in Washington.
I knew that at least one of the wolves was out in the forest near my house protecting me, but that gave me less then no comfort. And it was definitely not good to think of Victoria when I was all alone in the house.
I took a shower to try and calm myself and then I put on some clean clothes. I could really use Jacob, not only was I frightened because of Victoria but also, the nightmare had made the hole in my chest so much worse and I needed my morphine fix.
I went downstairs and poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat down eating slowly trying not to think about either Victoria or Edward.
It worked quite effectively, I thought about Jacob and those first few weeks of our ´relationship'. In the beginning after our first kiss it had been a bit awkward. I didn't really know how to act around him, but I'd found it to actually be very easy. Just like it was easy to be his best friend it was also easy to be his girlfriend.
The first week there had been a lot of teasing from the wolf pack, they'd found it very funny that I'd gone from dating a vampire to dating a werewolf and many jokes like," a vampire for an ex-boyfriend and a boyfriend who's a werewolf. Wow, Bella wonder what Charlie would say" was not unusual.
But when Jacob and I had been together a while they didn't find it to be funny anymore, since we really didn't care what they thought. Or at least I didn't. Jacob had gotten quite mad in the beginning because he knew what talking about Edward did to me and big fights had broken out. Jacob had once gotten mad at Paul and they'd fought, then he hadn't talk to him for almost two weeks. This made me feel very guilty, I didn't want to cause fighting so I'd convinced Jacob that I really didn't care and that he should apologize to Paul. Jacob hadn't liked it but done it anyway. And after that things had gradually gone back to normal. Now everything was well. Jacob and I had been together so long that when we'd kiss or something like that, there were no longer any reactions from the pack.
And after the shock of me dating a person that was two years younger than me, had passed in school no one was longer surprised to see Jacob follow me to school. In the beginning though it had been very different.
First of all there was the matter of the four months after Edward, flinch, had left. I'd been in a very zombielike state and not everybody had forgiven me for it. But with Mike and Angela and her new boyfriend Ben it was like nothing had happened. Jessica had been a little difficult but eventually she'd forgiven me too.
Then I'd started dating Jacob and of course Mike hadn't been happy, obviously, Angela was just happy for me, and Ben agreed with Angela on just about anything.
I smiled to myself when I thought about how much Ben adored Angela. I was so happy for her. Jessica was thrilled about me and Jake and wanted all the details.
Even though Mike had been pissed that I hadn't chosen him he got over it quite fast and now he was actually friends with Jacob, as were Angela and Ben. The others, Tyler, Lauren and Eric etc. had never really accepted Jacob who sometimes came to visit me at school. But I really didn't care because I had all I needed, even if it wasn't what I'd wanted, the future that I'd picked but never gotten and ouch, the thought made my chest ache, the future I'd never gotten.
Where is Jacob, I thought to myself before I continued my previous line of thought to try to distract myself.
Everyone had gotten used to seeing me and Jacob together and my life was good, even if it wasn't the life I'd wanted.
Now I couldn't keep it together longer. I crumbled on the kitchen floor, wrapped my arms around myself and let my misery have at me. It hurt so much.
Jacob found me like that a couple of minutes later. He picked me up into his arms and went to sit on the sofa in the living room. He sat me down next to him with his arms wrapped around me. I turned my head and buried my face in his chest.
We sat like that for a long time, he didn't say anything and neither did I.
I started to feel better as soon as I saw him and now I was feeling a lot better. I pulled my face up to look at his, he was staring straight forward with a hard expression, this was Sam's expression, and I knew that he knew the cause of my breakdown.
" Sorry" I said in a small voice. My throat was thick from crying.
He looked down at me with a surprised and puzzled expression.
"For what?"
I looked down at myself.
"It´s not your fault Bella." It was very clear in his voice that he did blame someone. And I thought I knew where he was going with this.
"I mean you can´t help that that filthy, stupid bloodsucking piece of shit left you. It not your fault that you have to wrap your arms around yourself just to keep it together. I swear if I ever see that…. that scum again I'll….
"Please don't" I begged. I couldn't listen to this anymore and I couldn't stand to hear the agony in his voice. "Just… don't."
"Bella he hurt you, so bad. I can't just not care about that. Forgive him for that. I mean have you?" He looked meaningfully at me. I looked down. I knew he didn't want my answer to this question. He saw my guilty expression and his voice changed, he was somehow even angrier now.
"Have you? Forgiven him I mean."
"There really wasn't anything to forgive" I said.
His whole body was shaking now. I looked up to see his expression, his jaw was clenched and he was concentrating very hard to keep his voice even.
"What did you say?"
I sighed; I didn't want to have this conversation. It was too painful. But I felt compelled somehow to try and defend Edward.
"I mean, he didn't love me, he had every right to leave. I'm nothing special really. Just a poor weak human." The tears were building in my eyes.
Jacob took my face into his hands and lifted it so I was staring straight into his eyes. I tried to pull my face away but he held it securely in his warm hands. With his thumbs he stroked the tears away from my cheeks. Then he said in a slow, steady and serious voice free of anger.
"Isabella Swan, you are special. So much more special than any human on the planet. You're beautiful, strong, kind, loving and most of all very special. Just because he couldn't see that doesn't make it untrue. Don't forget that I love you and to me you are the world."
That got me crying again. Here I was sitting in with a man who loved me and wanted to be with me and I was crying for my Romeo who couldn't care less about me. I dried my tears from my cheeks with my sleeve and looked up at him.
"I love you too Jake. To me you're more than the world." He gave me a big smile, my smile, and said, "Are you better?"
"Yes" I sighed, and smiled back at him. His smile was so infectious.
"Good."
We both sat quiet for a minute.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked. He woke up out of his little daydream and looked at me.
"I was actually thinking, why don't we, if the weather is better," He pointed to the window, it was raining buckets outside, it was a lot even for Forks. "Ride our motorcycles tonight?"
I lightened up, that idea sounded very good. I just didn't feel like sitting at home waiting for Victoria to come. I wouldn't let her scare me into not leaving my house.
Besides I really liked riding my motorcycle. Even though I'd given up on the Edward hallucinations, (I'd found out that they did me no good and I impossibly felt that I was somehow cheating on Jacob by not telling him about my delusions), I still liked the thrill of speed and the wind blowing in my hair.
"Okay" I said happier.
"It's a date." He said and gave me a quick wink.
The rain continued all through that day and night so Jacob and I stayed in and watched a movie instead. I wasn't completely pleased with that, I'd really wanted to ride the bikes.
This was why I was ecstatic when I came from my last class the next day and the rain had finally stopped. Mike, who had history with me last period, walked me back to my car. He saw my mood change and asked.
"The rain finally let up. Got any plans?" It was clear in his voice that he'd already guessed it from my optimistic expression.
"Yeah" I answered and looked impatiently towards the parking lot. There was Jacob, standing by my car, my favorite smile on his lips.
"Hey Mike" he said.
"Hi Jake." Mike answered in a friendly voice. "I hear you and Bella have plans. What are you doing?"
Jacob and I looked at each other. We couldn't really tell him, since Charlie didn't know that I was riding a motorbike. He would probably have an aneurysm if the fact was brought to his attention. Jacob was faster to come up with an answer.
"We're just going down to La Push to hang out with some of my friends."
"Okay. Oh, and Jake I was hoping to ask a favor from you."
"Sure. What do you need?"
"Well..." Mike deliberated. "I'll totally pay you and everything. It's just… My car kind of broke down yesterday and I know absolutely nothing about cars. I was wondering if you would take a look at it."
"Sure. Yeah. I could do that." Jacob said. "Do you want me to come over. Or…?"
"Really... you'd do that? Thank you so much. I just can't afford to take it to the auto shop. And walking to school is not my favorite thing."
"No worries man. I'll come by tomorrow and see if there's anything I can do."
"Well I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Mike!" Jessica called from across the parking lot. He turned to see her waving for him to come. He turned back to us.
"I should probably go. Goodbye and… thanks again" Mike said and walked away.
"Bye Mike" Jake and I said at the same time.
He smiled at me, I tried to reach up to him and give him a quick kiss. I didn't really work, I was too short. He laughed at me and said.
"Need a lift there, shorty"
"Yes." I laughed with him. "How is it that you are still growing?"
"It´s a wolf thing. If it helps I'll walk on my knees all day and you'll feel super tall."
I didn´t stop laughing, "Really…You'd walk the rest of the day on your knees"
"Absolutely" He said and got down on his knees as to prove it. I laughed at him and leaned down to give him a kiss. Then I pulled him up on his feet. "Let's go."
He gave me a quick grin and then he walked to the passenger side.
When we were in the car I quickly turned the heat on. Jacob gave me a skeptical look. "Really. You're cold. It's like a million degrees outside."
"You know not everybody has the temperature of a werewolf." I explained.
"You're right. We can't all be as hot as me." He said joking, and fanned himself with his hands.
"Well no, of course not." I said in the same tone. "Now get over here and warm me up a bit before I turn into ice."
"That's not very likely." He said but he scooted closer to me and put his arm around my shoulders. The heat radiating from his skin was amazing and I was warm before we were even out of the school parking lot.
How I loved riding my motorcycle. The feel of the wind blowing through my hair, as I flew down the narrow road. The feel of accelerating, going faster and faster and feeling unbeatable, like nothing in the world could ever touch you and all your fears just go away, it was amazing.
Even if these were not the reasons I'd started in the first place. It was why I kept it up even when I'd given up on my Edward hallucinations.
I was now speeding down a little graveled road, I could fell Jacob close behind me so I kicked it into next gear and took of even faster, I could feel him falling behind. I was really getting good at this and it pleased me, I was winning over him.
I remembered in the beginning when almost every motorcycle trip had landed me in the hospital. Now I rarely fell, I didn't even have to think about what I was doing it was natural for me now. I looked back to see that Jacob had fallen behind quite a bit. I playfully stuck my tongue out at him, he smiled at me.
Before I turned forward I saw his expression turn in horror. I quickly turned my head expecting my worst fear, Victoria, standing in the middle of the road.
But the picture in front of me was very different from what I'd expected. There was no road in front of me, about three hundred yards from where I was, the road ended turning into a forest with tightly packed trees. And I was going seventy miles an hour straight towards it.
After that everything happened very fast. I let go of the gas and tried to break as carefully as I could. It worked at first the bike slowed down a lot. But it wasn't enough I was still going way to fast. In panic I slammed down on the break. The bike wobbled under me and started sliding towards the trees.
Both I and the bike hit the trees with incredible force and then everything went black. When I opened my eyes Jacob was leaning over me with a worried expression. He saw when my eyes opened.
"Oh my god, Bella. Are you okay?" I tried to sit up but he stopped me. "What, are you crazy? We don´t know how badly you're hurt. Maybe I should call 911" That frightened me. I didn´t want to leave in an ambulance. Then there was no chance of the whole town not knowing.
"No Jake. I'm fine really. Look." I sat up. Except for my arm hurting a little and a really bad headache I didn't feel hurt at all.
"We should at least get you to the hospital and get your arm stitched up." He said looking down on my arm. I followed his gaze and saw that my arm was covered in blood and moss. My stomach heaved when the smell of blood caught up with me. The forest started spinning. I took a deep breath through my mouth and tried not to pass out. Jacob noticed and said. "You sure you're okay?"
I nodded franticly, I actually felt fine. "Trust me Jake. I'm fine it's just… I don't do blood." I wrinkled my nose.
"Really? You can't stand blood. That's a bit ironic, don't you think?" he laughed.
"Yeah. I guess." I said knowing right away what he meant. I really hadn't noted the irony before.
"Let's get you back to the truck. You think you can stand up?" he said more serious now.
"Yeah I think so." I said a little unsure. "But Jake I can't walk all the way back to the truck." My voice was high and panicky.
"Of course I'm not going to let you walk. I'll drive you back on my bike." He said as if it was obvious.
"What about my bike?" I complained.
"It's fine Bella. I'll come and get it later, now we need to take care of you. Nobody drives at this road anyway. It will be here later."
I was directly calmer. "Oh. Okay." He helped me up. I was a little wobbly but I didn't fall. He looked disapprovingly at my arm. "You're bleeding quite a lot. Here take my shirt." He started pulling his shirt off. I stopped him.
"No Jake it´s fine. You really don't need to take your shirt off."
He stopped, hesitating. "Are you sure. I mean it's no problem." He started to pull it over his head.
"Really. Jake, please put your shirt back on. It's not that much blood."
"Okay" he said reluctant and put it back on.
Man, it was hard to keep Jacob from taking his shirt off.
When we got to the hospital I was a little dazed. I must have hit my head pretty hard.
Dr. Gerandy came up to me at once; after all I was the Chief's daughter.
"What happened?" he asked alarmed. I looked down at myself. My clothes were dirty and spotted with blood. I looked awful. Then I realized that I didn't have a cover story. I couldn't exactly say that I'd been riding a motorcycle over legal speed and then driven into a tree. Charlie would have a stroke if he found out. I raked my brain for a good excuse, as always Jacob was a step ahead of me and he explained.
"We were out hiking in the woods when she tripped and fell down a steep slope. She cut her arm on a rock and I think she hit her head."
Dr. Gerandy looked back at me questioningly. I looked at him with a blank expression for a while before I realized he was looking for me to verify the story.
"Yeah" I said. " I fell." Could I be worse at lying? It sounded so false. The doctor didn't seem to notice though.
"Okay then, let's take a look at your arm."
It didn't take a lot of stiches, most of the cuts weren't so deep and though Dr. Gerandy was no Carlisle he was still good and it didn't take long. Jacob sat and held my hand the whole time it felt very nice to have his warm hand in mine. The annoying part came later. Of course Jacob had to tell them that I'd hit my head and therefor I had to have a CT-scan.
"So Bella, you can't stay out of the hospital long can you." He laughed, as we were walking from the hospital. "
He seemed pleased. "So since we're done here do you want to come to Emily's? She's cooking dinner."
He asking was just a formality; he knew I loved to spend time with the pack and most of all Emily who was Sam's fiancée. She and I had become very close in the last few weeks.
"You know I do."
