Decision
"That's right." Jacob said as he closed the door behind him. "Werewolves."
The Cullens just stared at him like he was a ghost from a distant past, which was partly true.
I was surprised to see him and my heart broke into two pieces. "Jacob." I exhaled.
"Hi Bella." He smiled strangely relaxed.
"How did you know..." I started, but he cut me off. "You forget how well I know you Bella, and also how bad of a liar you are. Of course you would come here, and I had to make sure you were okay."
"Okay?" I asked incredulous. How could I possibly be okay? My head was spinning, and my heart was being torn apart as we spoke.
"Well, maybe not okay. But physically fine." He added.
"Well, I'm not going to hurt her." Edward said appalled.
Jacob's eyes narrowed. "More than you already have, you mean." He said in a superior voice.
"Don't you start with me dog!" Edward growled and then he started walking towards Jake, but then suddenly he stopped and his expression changed. His eyes went blank, and he looked miserable.
His pain cut me like a knife, and I looked over to Jacob, trying to find a source for Edward's agony. Jake was looking intently at Edward with a concentrated expression, and right away I knew what was going on.
"Stop it Jake!" I half-yelled at him. He broke his concentration and looked over to me. Edward's expression lightened, but he still looked incredibly sad.
"What's going on?" Alice asked confounded.
"Nothing, I was just showing Edward Bella's condition after he abandoned her." Jacob said calmly.
He'd obviously showed Edward my zombie months, seen from his mind. I didn't want Jacob to show him that. Because it would hurt Edward, obviously, but also because I felt embarrassed about how weak I had been.
"Stop it!" I told Jacob again, as I saw him concentrate once more.
He looked over at med. "He should know how he hurt you Bella?" He half yelled in exasperation. I flinched, surprised by his anger and Edward step closer to me and put his arm around my waist.
"Don't yell at her!" He snarled at Jacob, but I didn't listen to his words. I was concentrated on the tingling feeling I felt where his arm touched me. It was preposterous that after all this time the simplest touch from him would make me react this way, my heart speeding up.
Jake's rough response to Edward's actions sent me back to focus. "Don't you touch her!" He screamed, and walked towards us.
Edward's family was standing by watching them intently, ready to intervene if the situation required it.
Edward let me go and faced Jacob. They were standing inches apart, glaring at each other. Jacob was shaking furiously, and I knew if he didn't calm down right now he would morph and they'd most likely kill one another.
I came up to them and touched Jacob's arm lightly, "You need to calm down Jake." I soothed.
"Back up Bella!" Edward said, not taking his eyes of Jacob. "He's going to turn, and you need to be out of harm's way."
"I can control myself." Jacob growled through his teeth.
"Calm down Jake." I pleaded, but Edward shoved me away and said once more, "Back up Bella!"
I was furious now. How much experience had he handling with an angry werewolf, or an angry Jacob? Probably none and I had plenty. I took a step forward and "shoved" Edward out of the way. "You back up! I've got this!" I snarled.
He was shocked and took a confusing step back as I stood in front of Jacob taking his face in my hands. He was shaking bad, and I knew I had to act fast if I wanted him to stay human any longer.
"Look at my face." I told him forcing his eyes to focus on me. When he had, I continued, "Now, remember Emily's face." His expression twisted and the shaking lessened, but he was still shaking badly. Despite the surroundings I pulled my face closer and whispered, although I knew they would hear, "Calm down Jacob, I love you. Remember that." Then I pulled even closer and kissed him lightly on his warm lips. He stopped shaking and I pulled away, taking a step back.
"Better?" I asked.
"Better. Thank you." He said in a steady voice.
None of the vampires had moved an inch, and they were all statues staring at me and Jacob. I looked at Edward's face last and regretted it immediately. His expression was a mixture of hurt, loss, and betrayal and I felt a new hole tearing in my chest, guilt.
"Edward I…" I started, but what could I say? No matter if he'd been right or not, he'd left me out of love and missed me every second we were apart. All the while I had fallen in love with someone else.
But my guilt receded at his next actions, his expression changed from hurt to anger and suddenly he was yelling at me. "Are you stupid Bella? Werewolves are dangerous beings. They don't have any control, as Jacob just proved. You don't have to be with me, but I forbid you to be with him!"
All the guilt was gone and in its place anger made an appearance. "You forbid me? Who do you think you are, my father? You can't forbid me from anything. You gave up that right the day in the woods after my birthday." The anger couldn't completely conceal how my voice broke on the last sentence.
The tears started running and everything just felt so complicated. One part of me just wanted to tell Edward to go back to wherever he'd been these past months, and then leave this house with Jacob.
Then there was another part who wanted to tell Jacob to leave and throw myself in Edward's arms. The two parts were fighting furiously and all I could do was stand there with silent tears running down my cheeks.
Jacob walked up to me and started dragging me towards the door, "Let's get you home." He said. "Charlie must be worried." In my trance I let him walk me to the door, but Edward was there blocking the exit.
"I can take her." He said arms crossed.
"That won't be necessary." Jacob hissed back.
"She is mine." Edward growled.
"Not anymore." Jacob said in a superior voice.
My tears stopped running and I took a step away from Jake. This was unbelievable, they were arguing like children in a sandbox, and even more ludicrous was that they were talking about me like I was a possession they could own.
"I'm my own." I stated. "Now Jacob, could you go home, I need to talk to Edward alone." I didn't know what I wanted to say to him, but I knew I needed to talk to him.
"You should go." Edward said smug, when Jacob hesitated.
"Are you sure Bella?" Jacob asked hesitant, his expression was put together but I could see the pain in his eyes. All the times he had saved me from falling apart over Edward, he'd watched me love another man all this time and still he had always been there, comforting me, saving me, and I had never really appreciated everything he was to me.
"I just need to talk to him, I will come see you later… I can't explain now I just…"
He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead and silently walked out the door. He had always been too good for me, better than I deserved.
"Let's talk." I told Edward, and headed for the stairs where his family had disappeared. He followed me silently to his room, and I closed the door behind us. I knew his family could hear us anyway, but it still seemed more private that way.
The room looked exactly as I remembered, except that the countless numbers of CD's and books were gone.
I pointed to the empty shelves and asked, "Where?"
"The music." He said, and touched the empty surface with his fingertips. "I brought it with me. It's in boxes in the garage."
"Where did you move?" I asked. "I assumed it wasn't Los Angeles." As had been the story the Cullens had told the rest of Forks, but I knew they wouldn't go anywhere that sunny.
He chuckled glum, "Well no. We went to New York, Carlisle worked at a hospital there, and we enrolled as freshman at Columbia. Even though it meant we couldn't stay as long, none of us wanted to go High School again."
"Right…" I stood by the window and looked out at the darkening sky. I was trying to imagine him in New York, walking around campus at Columbia, but I couldn't.
I closed my eyes and it felt like I could open them and be back at Emily's house laughing with my werewolf family, or I would open them and be at my birthday party with my vampire family.
I opened them and all I saw was my own reflection in the window, eyes red from crying and lack of sleep.
Edward came up behind me, I saw his angel-like perfection next to my ordinary face and I had to look away, so I turned to face him.
"Why? Why did you leave me?" The tears were running again.
"I told you. To protect you." He explained.
"No, that wasn't protecting me! So why?" I needed to understand.
He sighed and the pain on his face reflected mine. "I kept telling you that if I really loved you, I wouldn't be with you. That I was selfish in even considering a life with you because you couldn't have a normal happy human life with me. Then I realized that saying that I shouldn't be with you and saying that it was selfish to stay, just wasn't enough. So I left… because I loved you enough to want the best for you."
"But it wasn't the best for me." He had to have known that I would never let him go.
"I realize that now, and if you could just forgive me we could be together again, like before." He said intently.
I just shook my head and stared at the floor, I couldn't assemble my thoughts enough to say anything.
"You don't forgive me." He almost whispered.
"No, I already forgave you." I said monotone.
"Well that's great." He smiled, and his beauty was out of this world.
"Is it?" I asked dejected, and his smiled vanished. "Is it really? Don't you see? I would forgive you anything. But maybe that's the problem, because you have this power over me, I can't live without you and I would forgive you anything no matter what." My tears had run dry now and I watched as my words sunk in.
"What are you saying?" He asked. "You don't want to be with me."
"No. I'm saying the opposite. I want to be with you too much. So maybe I shouldn't be with you."
"Is this about him? The dog. Do you want to be with him?" There was a petty jealous edge to his voice that I hated.
"Don't talk about him like that! He's my best friend Edward. He's been there for me these past few months when you weren't and he's saved my life numerous times."
"Don't you think I know that?" He exclaimed. "Don't you think I wish I could've been the one to save you, and be there for you? I've never regretted anything as much as I regret leaving you." The pain was clear in his words.
"I get that you regret it, but that doesn't make up for all the nightmares, and the heartbreak. It just makes it worse because you really did love me so it was all for nothing." I yelled.
We were facing each other, and we were both breathing hard. His scent was everywhere and all I wanted to do was throw myself into his arms.
"I have to go." I said suddenly, and turned for the door. I had gotten the answers I needed from him, but not from myself and I knew that if I wanted to have any chance of figuring this out I needed to be away from the influence his presence had on me.
"Stay." He said and took my hand. "Stay with me, you don't have to go." His eyes were pleading.
"Yes, I do. Don't follow me, I need time to think." I pulled away.
"Wait, just wait." He pleaded, but I was already out the door.
I heard him drop to his knees, and he was crying, I ran away from his pain and mine. I ran for the exit but at the end of the stairs I ran into Esme.
She caught me in her arms and said, "We shouldn't have left. I tried to convince the others to stay. I didn't want you to get hurt."
There was so much love in her words and I thought I would start crying again. I couldn't say anything so I just hugged her and ran outside. I got on my bike and started driving.
I was driving faster than I ever had, trying to keep my thoughts from catching up with me, I almost made it all the way to my house but then I realized I didn't want to be alone when my thoughts finally caught up with me, so I ended up outside of Emily's house.
It seemed like years ago, the graduation party, the feeling of being happy and young. I saw Emily's surprised face in the window and she came out to the porch to greet me.
I ran up the steps and fell into her arms with sobs escaping my throat and tears running down my cheeks.
She let me cry myself out, and when the tears finally stopped running we were sitting on the couch in their small living room. The same couch where Jacob had been fighting for his life just hours ago, it all felt so distant now.
My eyes were red and my head was pounding from crying, but I still felt better. I looked to Emily and said, "Thank you for being here."
She smiled at me, "What are friends for?" Then she gave me a quick wink before settling into a more serious tone, "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" She pulled her eyebrows together in a worried frown.
For a moment I paused, I didn't know if she'd understand my feelings for Edward or if she'd judge the Cullens or held a grudge against them because they were vampires. It dawned on me that although Emily and I were best friends and talked about everything, I had never told her about my feelings for Edward or the Cullens, and she had never brought it up.
Therefore I decided to tell her everything, starting from the moment I moved to Forks.
She sat silently and listened as I explained how I met Edward, and how he'd saved me from James. Then I spoke about my birthday party and the day in the woods. Then I told her about my zombie months, and becoming friends with Jacob, and then about our first kiss. I told her how the Cullens were back and about my talk with Edward.
I felt better saying everything out loud, all the hurt and love and loss. It was extremely liberating telling the story without editing anything out, and being completely honest.
Emily didn't say anything, she just listened. When I was done she simply said, "Seems like you have a decision to make."
I nodded looking at the floor.
"But, if you're being honest with yourself, don't you already know?" She asked with implication in her voice.
"What do you mean?" I was perplexed, I loved them both so much and she made it sound like it wasn't a difficult decision.
"Well, maybe not…" She said and looked out the window, and then back at me with a sigh. "It's getting late, you should go home. Charlie must be worried." She said and then added, "Bella, this is a decision you must make on your own."
I looked out the window and saw that the sky was dark. "I suppose you're right." I had put Charlie through a lot the past 48 hours, and it was time to go home now.
I stood up and hugged her goodbye before I walked out to my bike.
I drove the bike to Jake's house and traded it for my truck. I couldn't come home to Charlie on a motorcycle, so even though I wasn't ready to see him I had to get my truck. I could see that the light was on in his room but he didn't come outside and I didn't go inside. I needed more time to think before I faced him and my feelings, so I just drove off.
When I drove up to the house I could see Charlie peek out through the window, and he was in the hallway when I walked through the door.
He didn't say anything as I took my shoes off, he just stared at me scrutinizing my every move.
I faced him and said, "Hello." He just said hi back, and then went back to staring. So I walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, and he followed.
I took a glass from the cabinet, and filled it, and then I leaned against the sink and took a sip. He was still watching, and my patience was out.
"What?" I asked exasperated.
"Nothing." He said innocently. "Where were you?" He then asked calmly.
"I went to Jacob, then the Cullens, and then I visited Emily." I said matter-of-factly.
"Oh… and how are you feeling?" Charlie asked just as innocently as before.
"I'm fine dad!" I said not tiptoeing around it anymore. "I saw… Edward, he was there. They are staying… I think." Even now it was difficult to say his name out loud.
"Okay." He said and then he went back to the living room to watch the game. We had never been good at talking about feelings and this had been no exception. But he seemed to accept that I was fine even though I'd seen him today.
"I'm just going to go to bed." I yelled to him as I made my way up the stairs.
I fell into my bed fully clothed, and pulled the covers over my head trying to think of nothing.
It didn't work of course, there were a million thoughts rushing through my head. I relived everything from the past year, every feeling and every word spoken.
Meeting Edward, finding out he was a vampire, loving Edward, losing Edward, the numbness, becoming friends with Jake, loving Jake. Time flew by and it was almost dawn when my emotional journey ended with my talk with Edward last night.
Still, I was none the wiser. I had to pick one, and whoever I didn't pick wouldn't be in my life in any way after I chose. I knew I couldn't live without Edward, and I didn't want to live without Jake.
I covered my head with the pillow and I wanted to scream but nothing came out. I had these two amazing men who loved me and still in this moment I felt unfortunate because I had to hurt one of them.
Jacob, my best friend who I could talk about anything with, he was kind, warm and wonderful.
Edward, my love who took my breath away and made everything matter, he was beautiful, strong and extraordinary.
Jacob, the werewolf.
Edward, the vampire.
I didn't know how to choose.
I heard Charlie drive off to work, and I pulled the pillow from my face and stared at the ceiling. The room felt small somehow, and I couldn't breathe. I got up, walked downstairs, pulled on my boots and went outside.
I stood there a while not sure where to go. I thought about driving somewhere but I wasn't up to sitting in a confined space, so I ended up in the woods wandering on the trail that lead from our backyard. The morning was chilly and the air was damp, but it wasn't raining.
I walked for a long time, I watched the animal scurry about, and listened to the leaves ruffling in the wind. I admired the magnificent tree trunks covered in moss, and the beautiful canopy of leaves above my head.
Suddenly I stopped, up ahead the path was splitting into two trails. As I stood choosing which way to go, Angela's graduation speech popped into my head. I couldn't escape it anymore; I had to choose which path to take in life, or more importantly, who I would walk it with.
I sat down right there on the soggy ground and stared at the two different tracks. Left or right? Edward or Jacob?
I tried to picture what my life would be with Jacob, we'd live here in Forks, maybe have a few kids, and then we'd grow old together in a small house in La Push surrounded by friends and family. I could see the house we would live in at the end of one of the trails, see our children running around on the grass.
I looked to the other trail and I saw my life with Edward. I would convince him, and he would turn me. Then we'd have forever together, moving from city to city living where there was overcast most of the time, repeating High School over and over.
Just as fast as they had appeared, the images vanished. I turned it over and over in my head but everything pointed to Jacob as the best option, he was my best friend, we'd grow old together here in Forks where my father lived, we'd have children and grandchildren, and we'd be happy and safe with each other. It would be an easy, comfortable life. But still it didn't seem completely right.
Emily's words popped into my head, "If you're being honest with yourself don't you already know?" it was then I saw it and I jumped to my feet. It was so obvious, and I had known all along. I just hadn't wanted to do what I knew I had to do now that my decision was made, because it meant hurting me and a person that I loved. I started walking back to the house more sure of this decision than I had been of anything in my life.
