Goodbye
I parked my truck next to the house and jumped out into the humid air. As I faced his house I knew that this was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I was ever going to have to do. I could feel a hole in my chest starting to tear at me just thinking of cutting him out of my life, but I was sure this was the right decision even though it pained me to think of it.
I saw movement in the house and a figure appeared in the front door. A smile spread across his face when he saw me and he started heading towards me. My heart broke thinking that this might be the last time I saw his wonderful smile.
When he saw my expression the smile vanished and he stopped abruptly.
"It's not me is it?" He asked in a serious, but sad voice. He had always been able to tell what I was thinking.
"It's not." I said with my head down, and then I continued urgently. "But I wish it was you, you don't know how much I wish it was you, Jacob."
"I wish that too Bella. When you came here so soon I thought that maybe you'd chosen me, but I guess I should have known it would always be him." Jake whispered so I almost couldn't hear.
We were standing maybe ten feet away from each other and I just wanted to close the distance and lose myself in his warm embrace. But I didn't move, for I felt that if I did that I wouldn't be able to let him go.
"I love you so much Jacob, more than you even know."
"But not enough, not more than you love him." The pain was clear in his words.
I didn't know what to say, I wanted to make everything better for him but I couldn't. So I just said, "I'm so sorry Jake."
"You're sorry! Is that supposed to help me? You're leaving me to be with a vampire but everything's okay, because you're sorry!" There were tears running down his cheeks now, and his angry tone didn't quite cover up the hurt in his voice.
My eyes filled with tears and I was surprised that I had any left seeing as I had cried constantly for the last three days.
His anger receded as quickly as it had flared up, and in its place I saw sadness in his eyes so deep I almost wished for the anger back. It was killing me seeing Jacob this way, and even worse was that I was the cause.
He looked at me with misery clear in his eyes and said, "I am the better choice you know. We would have grown old together, and I would've never hurt you the way he has."
"I know." I said looking at the ground. "Of course I know. Our life would've been a wonderful one."
"Then why?" He asked desperately. "Why choose him?"
"I love him Jake. In a way I don't even understand myself, I can't live without him." I couldn't tell him the whole story, because it had never really been a choice. From the second I saw Edward in his house, from the moment our lips met, I knew there would never be anyone else. It scared me of course, because Edward had the power to hurt me more than anyone else, but I knew it was worth it to be with him.
"I don't want you to disappear from my life now Jake." I said.
He laughed without humor. "We can still be friends, you mean? Seems a bit cliché, don't you think?"
"I'm serious Jacob."
"I know." He was glum again. "But I don't think that's possible. Taking aside the fact that you are leaving me for my archenemy, I don't know how to be friends with you when I feel this way about you…"
"It would be too hard." I finished his thought. He was right, of course he was right. Even if I had chosen Edward that didn't mean I had stopped loving Jacob, it took every bit of my willpower not to give in and just throw myself into his arms. Because of how we felt for each other maybe we couldn't be friends right away, but I wanted him as my friend. He was my best friend and he understood me better than anyone else.
"Maybe after some time has passed…" I started.
He looked longingly at the forest. "I don't know Bella… I think I might be going away for a while."
"What about Sam's and Emily's wedding. Aren't you going?" I asked.
He looked back at me and said, "I'll come back for that."
Something occurred to me. "Am I still invited to the wedding?" I asked unsure.
He sighed, "You're Emily's maid of honor Bella, of course you're still invited… I wouldn't bring a date though, or a fight might break out." He said bitterly.
"That's not funny Jake." I snapped at him. I really didn't like this side of him.
"It's not meant to be. I'm going now. I'll see you at the wedding." He turned for the woods.
"Wait Jake…" I reached out as if to keep him here.
He stopped and closed the distance between us in two long strides. I gasped at his sudden proximity and he took my face in his big warm hands. "I hope you find happiness, and if he hurts you again I will not be responsible for what I do to him. I will never love anyone like I love you Bella."
I put my hands around his neck and looked into his eyes. "I don't believe that Jake, you will find someone who deserves you like I never have. She will give you all of her heart like I never could, and you will be happy." I said it more for my own sake than for his but it seemed like it helped both of us.
"Maybe…" He said, but it seemed like he didn't quite believe it.
He bent down and put his forehead to mine, and we stood this way for a long time but not long enough. Too soon he pulled away, then before he left he kissed me softly, and he was gone.
"Goodbye." I whispered with a broken voice and heart.
He ran for the woods, with a large jump he phased in the air, and I saw a magnificent wolf disappear into the trees. As he left he took a surprisingly big part of me with him, I lost my breath and fell to my knees crying loudly.
It was a while before I was able to stand up, and I walked on shaky knees towards my truck.
I drove in a daze to the Cullen house, I was sure I would wrap my truck around a tree but somehow I managed the dwindling road that lead up to the house.
I opened the car door and a white figure flashed into sight at the top of the steps leading up to the house. I got out, slammed the door and faced him. He had an unreadable expression on his face.
When he saw me, his face changed and his features grew hard and stern, in less than a second he was standing two feet from me his face stiff.
I felt like I hadn't slept in days, which I then realized was actually true. I was confounded at his reaction, and it took me longer than it should have to figure out he must have thought the red eyes and miserable expression meant that I had chosen Jacob and was coming to tell him that.
"No," was all I managed to say.
"What do you mean no?" He asked guarded.
I started to cry and threw myself in his arms. He caught me surprised and stroked my hair. He was worried now, "What's wrong Bella?" He asked.
I looked up from his chest and said through the tears. "I choose you." That was all I could manage.
He smiled my crooked smile, and I managed a smile back. Then he scooped me up and carried me into the house and up the stairs to his room.
He lay me down on a bed and laid down next to me wrapping his arms protectively around me and let me cry.
In his arms the tears ran dry quickly, my head was pounding from the crying so I pressed my face to his cold chest and it helped. He didn't say anything, letting me mourn probably, but I decided to put Jacob out of my mind.
It was over, I had chosen and now it was time to enjoy the life I had chosen. There was always going to be a Jacob-shaped hole in my heart but I shouldn't let that stop me from living my life with Edward.
We were lying facing each other and I had my head and hands pressed to his perfect chest. I had missed him so much, more than words could say. I realized that I didn't have to miss him anymore. He was here and we were together.
A smile spread across my face and I pushed him over on his back and lay on top of him. I stared at his beautiful face, and realized my memory hadn't done him any justice. He was breathtaking and he was mine. I reached out and stroked his face lightly with my hands, ran my fingers through his hair. He just lay still watching my face with a smile on his lips, "Are you okay?" He asked.
"I am now." I sighed, content.
"Are you sure about this Bella?" He asked. "I've never seen you so miserable, are you sure I'm the right decision?"
"I was worse when you left, remember?" I said referring to what he'd seen in Jacob's memories of my zombie months.
His eyebrows creased. "But still? Are you sure?" He asked again.
"I've never been more certain of anything." I smiled, and he smiled back.
We lay there just staring into each other's eyes smiling, taking in the sweetness of the moment. "You have no idea how I've missed you." He said.
"Not as much as I missed you probably." I replied.
"I doubt it. I wanted to come back every second, but I really thought it was best for you if I stayed away. I'm so sorry Bella… I wish I…"
"Shh…" I hushed him and put my finger to his lips. "I forgive you." I didn't take my finger away instead I traced the contours of his lips. He lay still in a way only he could and let me run my fingers across his lips. Let me trace the line of his perfect nose, and the rings under his eyes which were not as prominent as the last time I'd seen him. His eyes were their normal topaz color too. I lost myself in those gorgeous eyes, and my heart started beating faster. Naturally he heard it and a low chuckle escaped from his throat.
"It's ridiculous what you do to me." I said.
"Not as ridiculous as what you do to me." He said and traced his hand up and down my back, leaving a trail of fire. My breathing became harder, and I couldn't concentrate on anything but his touch. His finger made their way up my back he took a strand of hair to play with.
As I lay there I realized we were lying in a bed, in his room. I looked around to see that the bookshelves were filled with music again and books lay strewn across the room. In the center of the room was a huge bed.
"The bed?" I asked puzzled.
He smiled and put the strand of hair behind my ear. "Alice thought I could use something to keep me occupied when you were deciding, so she took me shopping for a bed."
"Why a bed?" I wondered.
"Esme has been trying to convince me to get one for a while. She thinks the room looks better this way." He explained.
I looked around the room. "I think it looks ridiculous." I laughed.
"Well it has its advantageous." He said, gesturing to the way we were laying.
"I suppose we couldn't lie like this on a sofa." I agreed.
"No we couldn't." He snickered.
We were both in a giddy mood, and we lay there laughing quietly to ourselves a while. He went back to stroking his hand up and down my back, and I went back to concentrating on keeping my breathing even. I put my ear against his chest and took the moment in.
"I love you." He whispered and kissed the top of my head. The words sent warmth radiating from my heart.
I looked up at him with wanting in my eyes, and said. "I love you too."
He took my hips lightly and lifted me up like I weighed nothing more than a feather so we were face to face.
We were not even an inch away from each other, the tips of our noses almost touching. I breathed in his sweet scent and it made my head spin.
I moved closer slowly and took in the scent, as I did his breathing started to speed up. I moved even closer and let my lips touch his very lightly and then I pulled back half of an inch. He sighed loudly, showering my face with the delicious scent and then he twinned his fingers in my hair and kissed me fervently. My reaction was involuntary; I pressed myself closer to him and kissed him back with as much force as I could.
I expected him to push me back; as this broke the rules of intimacy he had carefully laid out to make sure I was safe, and alive. But he didn't, instead he grabbed me and rolled us over so he was on top of me instead. He held some of his weight up with his arms but I could still feel his cold perfect body pressing against mine. I was on fire as our lips moved together. I had my hands on his back and through his shirt I could feel the perfect lines of his lean muscles.
Then he did something I didn't expect, with a swift movement without breaking the kiss he unbuttoned his shirt and took it of throwing it to the floor. My hands were on his back immediately stroking his smooth skin, feeling the hard muscles just underneath it.
I didn't know how long this careless mood of his was going to last, but I planned to make the most of it. So I put my leg around his waist to push myself even closer to him and a small sigh escaped his throat.
I was almost sure he was going to stop us now but he didn't instead he rolled us back over so I was sitting on top of him with on leg on each side. He sat up with me and pushed my hair back and kissed my neck. I put my hands on his neck and weaved my fingers into his hair. He found my lips again and he placed his hands on my thighs keeping us intertwined as he turned us over and lay down on top of me again. He kept his hands on my thighs and ran them down to my knees and back up. He let go and found my hands and our fingers intertwined as our lips moved together.
I was nowhere near satisfied and I was still waiting for him to pull the breaks, but I let go of his hands and turned us over sitting across him again. My eager hands traced the lines on his perfectly muscled bare chest, our lips still pressed together. He pushed my shirt up a bit and placed his hands on the small of my back. It sent chills through my entire body having his cold smooth hands sited on my lower back.
Then suddenly, his hands where gone, and so was he. I looked disoriented around the room and found him standing across the room pressed up against the wall, breathing hard.
I was also breathless as I said, "Wow! That was…"
"Intense." He panted, finishing my thought.
"Yeah." I breathed.
"I shouldn't have… it was reckless of me Bella. I could've hurt you, or worse." He said, with a guilty tone.
"I don't know about you but for me, it was worth risking injury for." I giggled, I wasn't one for giggling but I was riding a strange high right now. I took in his beautiful state, as he stood there bare-chested and almost didn't hear what he said next.
"This is serious Bella." He was a bit calmer now and he walked back to the bed sitting on the very edge of the mattress.
I scooted close to him and sat on my knees behind him, I put my hands on his bare shoulders and felt the perfect silkiness of his skin as I ran them across him back.
"I know that." I said in a serious tone. "But, I think that maybe your rules are a bit too strict." I leaned in and kissed his shoulder and then his neck.
He sighed and turned his head finding my lips, and I put my hand on his cheek and kissed him back.
He broke the kiss with a low grunt of disapproval. "I'm thinking they might not be strict enough." He said and pushed me away creating space between us. "You have no idea the effect you have on me Bella Swan."
"Apparently, it's not a very strong effect." I sulked.
"On the contrary, it's too strong." He appeased. "I can't lose control with you Bella it's too dangerous, you understand that right?"
"I understand." I sighed. "But you could practice your self-control. Practice makes perfect." I teased, moving closer.
"I think I've had enough practice for today, don't you? We don't want to push our luck." His tone made it clear that he was now completely in control and wasn't going to lose it any time soon.
"Fine." I pouted. "Just lie with me then." I patted the spot on the bed next to me.
"Okay." He smiled, and then he picked up his shirt from the floor starting to put it on. I snatched it from his hands and threw it on the other side of the bed.
He chuckled and lay down on his back next to me, shirtless. I climbed on top of him and put my head on his chest tracing his collarbone with my finger.
"This is nice too, I suppose." I concurred.
He snickered and put his cold hands on my back, I shivered at the cold touch.
"Are you cold?" He asked concerned.
I thought about saying no, but another shiver went through me. "Maybe a little." I admitted.
"Here," He somehow pulled the cover from under us and lay it over me. "Better?" He asked.
"Much." I approved, warming up.
We were silent for a moment, I breathed in the scent radiating from him, and he played with my hair, deep in thought.
He took a deep breath and the he asked. "How did you decide?" It seemed like he wanted to know, but maybe was scared of what the answer might be.
I looked at his face and he was staring at the ceiling. "It was never really a decision, it was always you." I stated, and saw his lips curve up in a smile.
"Why didn't you just tell me that yesterday?" He asked.
"I didn't know yesterday." I explained. "I guess I was afraid because no matter what you did I would always choose you, no matter how you hurt me." I confessed.
His eyebrows pulled together. "I will never hurt you again." He said fervently. "I promise Bella, I will stay with you."
"Forever?" I asked, knowing he would hear the true meaning of my words; if he would stop insisting that I stay human and turn me.
"Forever is a very long time." He sighed.
"Yes. But never is longer." I simply said.
"True." His tone implied that the discussion was over, but I knew somehow I would be with him forever, even if I had to have Alice turn me herself.
We were silent again, and soon I fell asleep, perfectly content in his cold embrace.
