Hi everyone! Sorry it's taken so long for me to update Split, things have been pretty busy with coursworkd. To be honest things are still very busy so it might be another long wait until you get another update! So I'll just be nice and leave you with this chapter for a while! Enjoy!
Chapter 8
No matter how many times he tried to say something; for once in his life Monkey D. Luffy was at a loss.
The apartment on the third floor of the building named Sunny was quiet, far too quiet compared to how it was supposed to be. There were no snores, no sizzling food, no clinking weights, no TV noises, and no petty heartfelt arguments. And the young boy didn't like it one bit.
"Zoro?"
Luffy eyed his best friend from across the living room. Zoro was sat on the training mats, safe amongst the lingering smell of dedication and sweat, and away from the scent of cigarettes that clung to the living room and made him remember that night's events in far too painful a clarity. Luffy sat cross legged on one of the living room sofas, frowning at Zoro's worryingly blank face.
"You can't sit there forever Zoro. Just talk to me, ne?"
The face had always been fairly blank. Ever since Luffy first met his nakama he was schooling his expressions; but knowing him for so long he knew how to read them. A furrowed brow showed thought or suspicion, narrowed eyes anger or concern, and creases around the mouth moving up almost like a smile; all these and more were the many faces of Roronoa Zoro. But this blankness...it was as if he was trying to just reject everything. He had only seen it once before, and it wasn't a time he liked to remember.
"C'mon Zoro, I got you some sake. Well, Ace got it 'cause I'm underage and all but still it was my money! Well, it was Ace's money but I asked to borrow it from him so I could get him to buy it for you! Well, I forgot to ask him but he knew I wanted to ask him for money so I could ask him to go get you sake so he used his money for me and got it anyway. So it's just like I got it!"
Luffy was getting sick of the silence. He wanted to punch Sanji for creating this fake, horrible version of Zoro, who was making a joke of his best friend. On the verge of giving up, the dark haired boy flopped his arms over the back on the sofa and sighed heavily, tilting his head to the side as he pouted at the elder man.
"Mnaa fine. Don't talk. We'll just sit here like this for the rest of time...Or at least until lunch, 'cause Ace's got me some meat."
...
"...Nothing feels right."
The deep voice rumbled across the apartment and made Luffy's head turn towards the one man who voiced it. Zoro hadn't moved; still staring at a blank spot on the mat with that careful expression, and when he opened his mouth it was as if he wasn't even realising what he was saying.
"The apartment...talking to you...everything just feels wrong."
Luffy sat up now, watching his best friend articulate loss the best he could. Tentatively, he asked.
"How?"
Breaking out of his daze, Zoro ran a hand tiredly over his face, staring out the window just past Luffy's head. For the first time the younger boy noticed his friend didn't want to meet him in the eye.
"It just feels like something's missing....Dammit, did he always take up this much space?"
Luffy didn't dare move as Zoro got up and stretched; fearing that if he did he might scare the swordsman back into the world he'd been lingering in for the past 4 days. Though Zoro had never mentioned it; they all knew what had happened courtesy of Nami's chat with Sanji, and a few interesting conversations with very well informed neighbours. If Zoro was bothered with anyone knowing his personal business he didn't show it; if anything Luffy thought he was almost relived, because it meant he hadn't had to talk about it.
But not talking had lead to another day sitting around in the apartment, so he wasn't going to miss this chance to help his best friend.
"You didn't realize? You played just a big a part in Sanji's life as he did yours."
The look of hurt that flashed across Zoro's face at the name wasn't missed, and Luffy watched him fall heavily into the chair next to him. Slouching down, Zoro resumed staring at the window in silence. Luffy mirrored the action and muttered quietly.
"Is it gonna stay like this?"
This made Zoro's head turn, and for the first time look at his friend. Luffy's eyes – always so expressive – looked almost as pained as he felt at the situation between two people he loved, and that only added to the uncomfortable feeling in the swordsman's gut.
Luffy saw it the dark eyes that watched him so many emotions, all fighting to surface, but a strong will holding them all back to a safe distance. Where they can barely be seen, and couldn't cause hurt. To know Zoro was trying to block it all out almost made Luffy angry. He launched himself onto his knees and cried in the green haired man's face
"You're just going to sit in here forever? Not train, not eat, not see all your friends? What about Sanji? Are you just going to forget about him?!"
"Fuck Luffy, just stop!"
And angry push toppled Luffy backwards and he sprawled across the sofa, staring at Zoro in shock. The man in question had his eyes closed, a trembling hand curled into a fist in his lap where it was placed just after pushing Luffy backwards. Despite the shield that had been made, that action just confirmed to Luffy that the storm behind his eyes was nowhere near under control. There was a pause as Zoro regained himself before he continued, which Luffy decided to fill.
"Is it definitely over?" Zoro sighed again, placing the now calm hand back at his side.
"I don't know. We were both so, just so fucking angry the other night I couldn't think straight...Still can't think straight. I just wanted him out so I didn't try to kill him or anything. I don't even know what happened to him."
"He's with Zeff, thinking you didn't want him home."
Luffy felt Zoro's eyes look at him but ignored it for now, again treading dangerous waters with what to say to someone so temperamental.
"Do you want him home?"
"...I don't know. But I don't want to stay like this, and I don't want to finish with him just like that."
Luffy smiled; finally there was progress. Zoro leaned back into the chair, clearly intent on sitting there for the rest of the day. A small clinking sound echoed as Luffy set some Sake on the table and it roused him to look at the irrefutable boy again and catch that infectious smile.
"I've gotta go now Zoro, but that was a fun talk! Enjoy your sake!"
With that and a clattering of noise, Luffy was gone and Zoro was left once again alone, with his one drink in the oppressive silence of a too large apartment that was currently holding far too many memories.
-.-.-
The smell of the Baratie kitchen had always felt like home to Sanji. The scent of roasted garlic; of steaks searing on stoves; or rich chocolate melting to go in the soufflé, it all gave the young cook a sense of normality.
Learning against an unused counter, Sanji sighed as he took a deep inhalation of the comforting aroma. He was tired, so tired, and just wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep. The meeting with the executives was long and tedious, not to mention terrifying as they all spent hours explaining how important the show gets good ratings. Bon was there, a ballast of support thankfully, but even he looked a bit nervous as the suits stared them down.
"Shit." The cook sighed, raking a hand through his hair. The other cooks at the Baratie chuckled at him, causing a scathing glare to be thrown their way.
"What're you fucks laughing at?"
"Pfft, didn't mean to intrude on your modelling, superstar!"
A curled eyebrow raised in Patty's direction, furthering the sniggers.
"Jeez Sanji, can't you see even you're posing even in here! All that acting's getting to your head."
The chefs roared with laughter as Sanji scowled and stormed past. The petulant flicking of his bangs as he left did not help reduce the jeers.
He didn't expect to see a raven haired beauty and her loud blue boyfriend propping up the bar.
"Robin? Franky?"
"Good evening, cook-san."
"Yo! Cook-bro!"
The surprise at seeing his friends quickly dissolved into a pleased grin as he moved over to meet them. What with the restaurant and the show and the...situation, he hadn't spoken to his friends much recently. After giving the couple a pat on the back and a kiss on the hand, the blonde moved around the bar to help himself to a drink.
"Is Gin-san not in today?"
Robin's throaty voice caused his grip around the wine bottle to tighten, but Sanji smoothly placed it away to hide the action.
"He's been taking some time off. He came in yesterday but it was...um...awkward."
The husband and wife gazed at him expectantly, feigning expressions of confusion. As he shook his head in disbelief Sanji chuckled.
"C'mon, you really expect me to believe Nami-swan didn't tell you? You're acting isn't that great you know."
Franky banged at the bar as he chuckled, startling some of the nearer customers, but Robin smiled apologetically at them as she hushed her husband.
"How are you coping Cook-san?"
"Hmmm...Okay, I guess. I've been keeping busy, so I haven't really thought about anything except work."
"Have you heard from Swordsman-san?"
Franky caught Sanji's flinch at the nickname and frowned behind his sunglasses.
"He misses you, cook-bro."
That made him snort.
"Miss me? The shithead was the one who kicked me out, why would he fucking miss me now?"
"Because he cares about you, Sanji-san, surely you should realise that. You were very important to each other for a long time, after all."
The wine was dark, and heady, and helped Sanji not think about how much he missed his partner. Between all the work, having to move back in above the Baratie, the horrid uncomfortable feeling that hung between him and Gin and all the painful emotions that lingered thanks to the shitty swordsman, he was stretched to breaking point.
And Robin could tell. Franky, not so much, as he wasn't as interested in the young chef's attire or appearance. But Robin and Sanji had been friends since high school, and she had never known him not to be in immaculate appearance. Yet today's suit was ruffled, like it hadn't been ironed properly, and his hair was greasy from the amount of times a nervous hand had run through it. Not forgetting the lingering bags under his eyes, and pale withdrawn features. Her heart went out to her distressed nakama.
"Sanji-san. You miss him too, right?"
Sanji didn't answer right away. Just stared at his shoes and tried to stop stop thinking about him because they were in the middle of the restaurant dammit, and he didn't want people to see him crying or something equally as pathetic over such a moron.
"Sanji-bro?"
The worried tone in the voice of someone as carefree as Franky caused the dam to crack.
"Of course I do! I can't stop thinking about him, but I can't try and call him or anything because he's mad at me for doing something stupid, and I'm mad at him for overreacting and not giving me a chance, and then Gin won't come near me and the producers are on our back about ratings so we need to up the promotion for it; even though Bon's sure it's going to be fine, and things are still busy are here and I just want to rest and not think about anything, but every time I lie down I just keep seeing fucking green!"
The wine glass clattered to the floor with a faint clinking noise as Sanji knocked it in his tirade. The room hushed as they heard the glass break, Robin and Franky watched their nakama expectantly and Sanji felt his resolve shatter along with the glass as wine seeped along the floor.
Chatter resumed as he crouched down to tidy the mess, trembling hands betraying the tears shining in hidden eyes. The husband and wife shared a sympathetic glance before Robin enquired quietly.
"Sanji-san, it is evident you miss Zoro. And I have, on firm confirmation by Luffy-san, belief that he misses you too. Are you just going to keep on going like this?"
A heavy sigh punctuated Sanji's rise as he threw away the glass in the bin, and turned back to face his companions.
"I don't know. But I guess I have to go speak to the bastard and figure it out."
-.-.-
The night found Sanji in a familiar setting. So many times, he had stared at that door as he fumbled for his keys, looking at the paint peeling in the corner and the small dent where Luffy ran into it, enjoying the sensation that memories and contentment provided. Looking at the door now as he fingered his key, all Sanji felt was nervousness.
The key sounded so loud in the lock it was like a gunshot, and the door swung open and Sanji felt his stomach try and relocate to his throat.
The apartment was dark, one lamp shining near the window that overlooked the city. On the deep windowsill sat Zoro, one of many bottles that surrounded him frozen halfway to his lips, gawking at Sanji as if he were a Zombie.
"Sanji?"
The deep voice slugged the cook in the gut in its familiarity, as unused and wavering as it sounded. Trying desperately to ignore the awkward vibe that hovered in the apartment, Sanji shut the door with his foot and shrugged off his trench coat as he did any day he would come home from work. As he hung it over the sofa he took time to inspect his lover.
Zoro look about as tired as he felt, eyes shadowed and stubble darkening his face. He was half dressed; a pair of old sweats hanging off his hips and a dirty worn shirt hugging the hard chest. There were enough bottles around him, and in the bin in the kitchen, for him to deduce what Zoro had been doing to keep his mind off their situation.
"Look at yourself Marimo; the vision of abject despair."
Zoro snorted, shaking his head and setting down the bottle. Now Sanji was closer, he could see the pallor of his face, and the messy clothes. He'd forgone a tie completely, and the normally perfectly manicured goatee was scruffy and dirty. As the chef lit a cigarette, and exhaled the fumes, the swordsman grinned ruefully.
"You're one to talk cook. You look like the lead character in one of your sappy romance films."
"What?"
Moving to stand, Zoro popped his back as he continued.
"You know, those stupid chick flicks you like. Guy meets girl, guy and girl can't catch a break. Guy gets all depressed and miserable and then somehow it all works out in the end. I don't really pay much attention."
"Che, well Marimo, it seems out situation is a bit similar to one of those movies. Well, some of it at least."
The quiet was stifling; Zoro's dark eyes staring at him with pain and anger and confusion at what to do. Sanji was pretty sure he was looking the same way. Pushing onwards determinedly, Sanji moved to sit on the sofa which caused Zoro to snap out of wherever he was when he looked at his lover.
"Why are you here, Sanji?"
"We need to sort this out. After the ar...after the other night things were so up in the air, and I can imagine that you want things worked out just as much as I do."
As Sanji settled into his normal seat on the sofa Zoro leaned on the arm of the one opposite. He couldn't say he wasn't glad Sanji was here, but he was torn with the desire to beat him senseless and just hold him until everything painful went away. God, why was this so difficult?
"And how are we going to do that Sanji? Do you expect us to just say 'I'm sorry', have some make up sex and move on?"
Sanji scowled. He knew this wouldn't be easy, but he seemed to forget just how difficult Zoro could be when he was upset.
"No, I don't think that Zoro, and I assumed you'd realise we need to talk about what happened."
Zoro scowled back and crossed his arms, huffing at Sanji's tone. Sanji saw it and smiled.
"You always get riled so easily."
"You've given me plenty of things to be riled about cook, or have you forgotten why I kicked you out?"
The accusation forced Sanji's gaze down, and he watched his hands fiddle with his buttons. He couldn't look at Zoro as he continued.
"You were treating me like shit Sanji, and I could just about put up with it, but then with the...what happened that night, I didn't think you could hurt me that much."
"I know, and I didn't mean to treat you that way. I was just so busy and stressed with everything that happened, and I wasn't even realising what was going on here. How we were drifting apart, how I was rude to you and everything."
Zoro watched Sanji sit up, a sincere expression in his eyes as he glanced at him across the room mid-apology. He sighed and scratched at a healing cut on his arm.
"I understood that, which was why I was putting up with it anyway. You had a lot on your mind, I'm sure I'd be guilty of something similar if that were me."
Sanji felt his features lift slightly.
"But I still can't forgive it that easily."
The features fell back again instantly.
"What would you want me to do to apologise then Zoro? 'Because I'll stop treating you that way, for sure, but you need to realise that my life has changed, our lives have changed so it won't be the same as it was."
Zoro frowned, looking almost like a confused child.
"Why?"
"Because things aren't the same as they used to be!"
"Yes they are. You're still cooking, I'm still fighting, how is it any different?"
"Because I'm moving forward!"
Sanji shouted, echoing across the living room and it felt like a tidal wave to Zoro. He didn't want to talk about this; it was about him and Sanji not him and Sanji's job. He slipped back into the chair, resting his hands on his knees.
"My life isn't the same as it was before Zoro, so things would have to change. No more time for lie-ins before the lunch shift; I have to go out on socials more rather than stay here, and less time to come and watch your fight or train."
"You barely did anyway."
Sanji groaned, rubbing his face tiredly.
"What do you expect of me Zoro?! To be some cheerleader at the side of every fight?"
"I expect you to support me! To care about my fights and the pros and helping me when I'm turned down again instead of just running off with those fucking TV people!"
"That's just it! The show is part of my life now Zoro, as much as the Baratie and you, there's no way I can just ignore it. We have to work around it."
Zoro's hands had made their way to his hair, clenching in it as he thought for another option.
"Or what?"
"Huh?"
"What if we can't work around it?"
"...that's what's got us here."
Sanji hated this. Hated the way his home seemed cold and uncomfortable, hated how he couldn't just curl up in Zoro's lap like he wanted. Hated that they can't just come to an agreement. But he knew Zoro almost as well as he knew himself, and he knew without asking that Zoro would never be happy with being pushed aside for a bit while Sanji focused on his career; particularly when he couldn't focus on his own. He took a deep drag of his cigarette before explaining quietly.
"My life is changing so fucking much I can barely hang on. It's hard enough keeping up without having you try to hold me back. Either you help me move forward or..."
"Or what?"
"...I don't know."
He knew. Zoro wasn't a man for words but even he understood the cook's point. He didn't want to talk through this with Sanji, he wanted to walk out, to train or fight or scream until it was all away and back to normal, and Sanji and he could carry on like before, when life was simple for them both and they were happy just where they were. Yet even as he thought about it, he knew that it would never happen. Sanji had achieved his biggest dream, and it was stupid to think that wouldn't come with changes. But the swordsman hadn't moved; it felt he was stuck in glue as the world rushed by him. And for once in his life, he felt like he was being left behind.
Not only Sanji; Robin was getting further and further with her research, both Franky's creations and Usopp's art were gaining popularity. Nami was getting promotion after promotion and Kaya was travelling all over the world with her medical training and Chopper was a prodigy at med school, even Brooke's band was getting popular after so many stints at the Baratie. There was just him; with Luffy and Ace, watching them all step ahead. And he was happy for all his friends, but he couldn't watch Sanji's back as he left him behind.
"It'll never go back to how it was, will it?"
The sigh sounded a little like relief as Sanji uttered it, though far too resigned and tired to really be discerned as such.
"No. And it's not because I don't care about your goal because I do, and if you think otherwise then you're being an idiot, but I just simply need to focus on my own work right now."
Zoro stared at his feet, not wanted to look at his partner in case it makes him say something he doesn't want to. The reality was starting to sink in, and he needed to think now if he could step up, and move on like Sanji wants. After a long period of quiet, he dropped the elephant that had been hovering in the room.
"What about Gin?"
He sensed Sanji jump even as he avoided looking in his direction. The name left a bitter taste in his mouth. In a vain attempt to lift the mood Sanji exhaled lightly.
"You always hated him."
Zoro scowled, suddenly glaring intensely at the cook.
"Because Gin has always been in love with you, and you've always been too stupid to notice it."
"He hasn't always..." Sanji answered lamely. Zoro just gave him a Look.
For the first time since he'd walked back into the apartment, Sanji got up and walked to his lover. He saw the green haired man follow him with his eyes almost nervously; the rest of him frozen in place.
He knelt in front of Zoro's hunched form in the chair, and placed his hand gently on a tanned cheek. His heart almost burst with the familiarity; all the emotions flowing through him battling for dominance. He stroked the cheek lightly with his thumb, smiling as Zoro closed his eyes and leant into the touch.
"Sanji..."
Zoro was about to break. Being thrown from joy at seeing him, to anger as they argued and anguish as they talked; now being overwhelmed with desire at the familiar touch was a bit too much for the normally impassive man too take. Sanji's hand was warm and comforting, and for a second Zoro forgot all about the stupid row. Opening his eyes, he found himself locked in Sanji's own warm blue gaze.
"What happened...it was a mistake. If I could take it back I could, but I can't. I love you; these past days have been hell with everything like this. I didn't realise how much I needed you until now, you stupid Marimo."
Zoro's lips met his with the eagerness of a dying man. His large hands found Sanji's face as he deepened the kiss, his tongue finding its way into the chef's eager mouth. Sanji rose on his knees so he was level with the swordsman, his own tongue curling around his lover's as they battled for dominance; trying to display how much they cared for one another in this one simple show of affection. Soon enough Zoro drew away for air, resting his forehead against Sanji's as he panted for breath.
"I've missed you, shit cook. It's been a mess since you walked out. I should've never told you to leave in the first place."
"But if you didn't; we still would've been mad. The kiss still would've happened"
Their heads moved apart as the pair simultaneously realised the issue still remained. Slowly, as if treading on eggshells, Zoro asked.
"You said you still care for me?"
Sanji nodded earnestly.
"Do you care for him?"
Never had Sanji's head frozen so quickly. The tension, lifted somewhat through the couples' kiss, fell back down again like a lead weight.
"Sanji. Answer me."
He didn't know what to say. But he had to do something, and fast. Sanji carefully took Zoro's strong hand in his own and rubbed the large knuckles.
"I can't say I don't care for him," he felt the grip tighten substantially, "but it's not the same. He's my friend Zoro; of course I care about him. But not in the same way I care about you."
Zoro's dark eyes met his once more as he asked quietly.
"...Do you love him?"
"...I don't know."
The large hand slipped out of his as Zoro chuckled, shaking his head without humour. Sanji felt his insides drop just watching it.
"Well then what Sanji? Do you just expect us to carry on while you figure out what you want?"
"I don't want..."
"What? You don't want him? You want him enough to have kissed him, and you're fed up of me dragging you behind, yet you continue to love me like everything was the same? You've said it yourself Sanji, if you're life has changed then how can our relationship be the same as well?"
"So what do we do then? Just give up? 'Cause I sure as hell don't want to!"
"Yea well neither do I!"
Sanji was standing again now, face to face with Zoro again who had just risen with his exclamation. They were inches apart, staring each other down but neither would move. The tension shifted, and Sanji sighed again as he turned away to look at the floor.
"So how do we keep this working?"
They could hear the traffic outside, the sounds of normalcy that clashed with the atmosphere.
"Will you accept that I need some more of your attention; even if you are busier now with the show?"
"Will you accept that I'm not going to be able to be as involved as I was before, that I have a new life now that you need to try and be part of?"
"...Will you stop seeing Gin?"
"...Will you ever forgive me for the kiss?"
A siren blared as an ambulance drove past on the road below, and Zoro turned his head away in defeat as the blue lights lit up the apartment. His crossed arms fell to the side, and his voice was dull with loss.
"I can't. I want to, but every time I think of him I see you both...." he shook his head clear of the vision "I don't think I'll even be able to forgive that."
Sanji stumbled back, his body preparing for what his mind was still trying to reject.
"Then what about us? If we can't move forward?"
Zoro's voice was barely a whisper as he replied.
"Then it's over. I'm sorry Sanji, I just can't..."
He trailed off, voice betraying his attempts at holding it together. He gave his lover one last loving look before retreating to the window, picking up the half full bottle of rum and staring at the city.
He ignored the sounds of Sanji gathering his belongings as tears fell on the windowsill.
-.-.-
Yea, horrendous place to end, I know...I genuinley don't think I can write a chapter that doesn't end on a cliffhanger! And now my internet is up and running again I've fixed the horrendous edit! Phew!
Thanks for reading! - Pample
