Katara practically skipped down the hallways to the Jade Room. Zuko kept up easily, a light smile gracing his lips, lighting up his usually grim features when Katara turned to glance at him. She felt so good, finally free of some impending sense of doom or whatever it was that had been hanging over her head since her arrival at the palace. She also felt embarrassed to have seemed so vulnerable in front of Zuko, but nothing seemed to be affected other than their closeness, somehow so much more pronounced than before. Katara hadn't needed a friend while she was crying in a long time, or maybe it was just that she hadn't sought one out.
"Hungry?" Zuko asked, offhand.
"A bit," Katara's pace had more to do with her newfound lightness than her hunger. She made it to the Jade Room first and practically threw the doors open, or rather practically yanked her arms off trying to open the heavy doors too quickly.
"Careful," Zuko cautioned, a tad late, as he passed her through the opening.
Katara glared at his back and followed. True to her word, Lin had finished decorating. This time all the lamps were lit, as well as a grandiose spattering of candles. The newly illuminated Jade Room seemed to be trying for a romantic mood. Any surface that wasn't sporting candles sported roses, and the walls looked as though they were made of fortune cookie advice on love. The effect probably would have been romantic if most of the décor vanished, but instead it was cheesy. Katara couldn't help but grin, Lin had overdone everything in her excitement.
"Wow," Zuko mumbled, pausing just inside the threshold, "all the flower sellers in the Fire Nation will eat well tonight."
"No doubt," Katara agreed prosaically, having gotten over her initial shock. She gently elbowed past Zuko to the table, where everything had already been set out, and no servants were in sight. Seemingly they had given up on pouring the tea, although it was possible she and Zuko were being left alone on purpose. The atmosphere was too comical to require any degree of privacy though. It just wasn't romantic enough that being alone with Zuko would really be necessary.
"Still hot?" Zuko asked, coming to stand next to Katara at the table.
"Looks like it," they had both suspected that the food would get cold. When Lin had come looking for Katara, it seemed most likely that they were both late for their meal.
Katara sat down, shoving aside a large bundle of roses. It was surprisingly difficult, the leaves had been stripped away, but the thorns left as they were. Katara wondered briefly who had been sadistic enough to find thorns romantic, but then again, she probably hadn't been meant to move them. There had only been one gap in the thorny barrier, just big enough for two to sit closely together, before she had taken the initiative to clear herself a place. At least the roses smelled good.
Both Zuko and Katara ate lightly, chatting about things like weather and the harvest. It was surprisingly fun; normally Katara would have introduced such topics only if she had nothing else to say. The Fire Nation was well off this year, the sun and rain had conspired perfectly for a good harvest, and fishing was up. During the war, the Fire Nation had taken on a policy of importing their grain from the Earth Kingdom and focusing on weapons production on most of the islands. Zuko was pleased to see that most of his people had no serious trouble reverting back to farming.
"Even the army?" Katara asked, finishing off the last bit of her mild curry.
"Most of the Fire Nation army is still active; if we demobilize too rapidly we risk an attack from anyone not satisfied with the way the war ended," Zuko sighed a little.
"Wont some malcontents just wait to attack?"
"I'm hoping that time will temper their anger," Zuko paused, "and of course there's the marriage."
"That'll curb a few tempers," Katara leaned back, resting her weight on her palms, "how will our marriage figure into your demobilization?"
"I'm not sure yet, until the threat can be reevaluated I can't decide whether to continue demobilizing or to hold off. If our marriage brings peace I will act accordingly, and if not-" Zuko broke off.
"What?" Katara sat up straight, noticing that the tips of Zuko's ears were red. From anger or embarrassment?
"Nothing," Zuko shrugged, "tea?"
Katara shoved her cup forward, "come on, Zuko I'm heavily involved in all of this, it's not right to keep something from me." And if not… then what? He wasn't planning on taking the offensive was he? The other Nations would never stand for it, and their plan would come to nothing.
Now Zuko's face was starting to tint up, he poured her tea and replied, "It's just something my Ministers recommended."
When he made no move to elaborate Katara prodded, "and what did they suggest?"
Zuko was silent for a long time. Katara was beginning to wonder if he'd ever open up when he finally decided to speak, "they suggested that I halt demobilization completely until I have an heir."
Poor Zuko's face was so red, and Katara's was hardly lighter. She knew she'd be expected to have Zuko's children, but it just seemed so soon to be thinking about it. And they hadn't even picked a wedding date, if anything they were putting it off. He had given her a gift, a reprieve from the marriage until she herself wanted it, but could they really wait that long? If things kept on at the pace they were, it could be years before they were married, and perhaps years more until they finally took the initiative to have a child. Katara hardly felt ready, but when would she ever feel ready? Would she ever come to love him? Was she going to have to choose between peace and love? But she had already chosen peace, and even though there wasn't love, there was hardly hatred either.
"Zuko," Katara was hesitant.
"Yes?" Zuko mumbled at the table.
"Let's pick a wedding date."
Zuko didn't reply, and they both listened to Katara's words ringing around in the otherwise silent room. It was strange how a normally echoless room could display the most controversial of words so proudly.
"No," it seemed like forever before Zuko spoke.
"Look, just listen to what I have to say," Katara replied, "We're going to be married eventually anyway, and doing it now or waiting who knows how long isn't going to matter."
"It matters to me," Zuko looked up at Katara, somehow leaking determination through eye contact.
"Why? It's not like we have to act married right away," Katara touched lightly on the topic of an heir, not particularly wanting to think about it yet.
"It's not like the Fire Nation doesn't have political marriages, because we do have that, all the time, but for the most part we marry here for love," Zuko started.
"Just like everywhere else, we both knew before we agreed to this that love might not happen," Katara interrupted.
"Just listen for a second," Zuko held up a hand and Katara quieted. "Even my mother married for love." Zuko glared at Katara when she opened her mouth, "it seems crazy, I know, but they loved each other. Political marriages are never forced. If the prospective couple does not wish to wed, then they will not wed. For the most part there isn't any problem with the system of marrying for love, since the classes stick together. It's hard to fall for someone you never talk to, so it's very rare for a princess to fall for a farmer, and there are few scandalous marriages of upper class citizens to lower class citizens. I always assumed I would fall in love with a noble lady and she would love me in return. I don't intend to marry you if you can't love me."
Katara mulled over what Zuko said, "So, basically, we're hoping we'll get lucky and fall for each other one day?" That seemed a bit optimistic to Katara, but she had genuine affection for Zuko, she could see it happening, sort of. "And what if I want you to love me as well? What if I was to tell you that I wouldn't marry you unless you loved me?" Katara looked half defiantly and half questioningly into Zuko's eyes.
Zuko held eye contact for a while, silent, and then stood. "I'm tired and tomorrow will be long, I'll be retiring early, and you might consider doing the same."
Katara stood as well, "as soon as I have my answer," she wasn't particularly tired, but then, Zuko probably wasn't either.
The atmosphere was surprisingly devoid of anger. It was almost as though they weren't arguing with each other. Their conversation was charged, but with something more tentative than their rage had ever been. It could have been earnestness, or perhaps curiosity, even determination would have managed to describe their words, and yet none were correct.
"I thought we both knew before we agreed to this that love might not happen," Zuko halfheartedly used Katara's own words against her.
Katara knew he didn't really mean it, but it still stung a little to hear him say, even indirectly, that he didn't think love would happen. Then again, hadn't she said the same thing? Then a thought occurred to her, "are you trying to sabotage our marriage?"
"What?" Zuko asked, startled.
"You keep coming up with reasons not to get married, it's perfectly natural for an arranged marriage to be uncomfortable at first, and you know it, but you've been using that excuse in particular," Katara paused in her train of thought, then asked gently, "Is it Mai?"
"What? No, no it's not Mai," Zuko seemed genuine when he said it.
"Then, is it me?" Katara asked, hurt, "do you dislike the thought of marrying me so much-"
"No, it's not that either, I do want to marry you, Katara," Zuko corrected her quickly; "I just want you to want that too."
"If you want the marriage then let's get married," Katara replied, relieved that Zuko wasn't truly against their betrothal, "I want the marriage and you want the marriage, there's no opposing factor here."
Zuko sat back down with a sigh and Katara followed suit, "We want the marriage for peace, which is a noble cause, but I want more than that out of it."
"We're already friends, love will come," Katara hoped she wasn't lying. She still thought arranged marriages unjust, but she had seen in her visits to the North Pole that eventually a vast majority of them worked out fine. The couples developed something over time that bonded them together, usually after having children. There was happiness to be found in such a bond, even if it wasn't the kind of happiness Katara had always wanted. And surely since they had arranged their own marriage there would be some added benefit to them. It was like they were coming together half because they wanted to.
"Perhaps," Zuko massaged the bridge of his nose tiredly. "I don't know."
Katara hardly knew either and didn't answer. Zuko wanted the marriage, as did she, and they both wanted love, but in his case it was nonnegotiable. Then again, did she really so easily dismiss it? Could she have agreed to marry just anyone for peace? No. The answer was overwhelmingly no. She barely had to think about it at all, if anyone but Zuko had asked, she would have said no.
The realization hit Katara like one of Toph's rocks, jolting her from her previous belief that deep down she hadn't truly wanted the marriage. If Aang had needed her in such a way, would she have married him? Surely she would have, she had considered it once, but somehow the idea was repulsive to her. Was Zuko repulsive? Not in the least, their personalities clashed spectacularly and Katara knew that she at least was afraid to be married, but truly there was no dissatisfaction at the thought of being with Zuko for the rest of her life. She was scared, but that was it.
"Katara," Zuko started, "let's just call it a day, we can think on it tonight and talk on it some more tomorrow," he stood, easing around the table to offer his hand.
Katara hesitated, should she tell him? But tell him what exactly? Tell him she was scared of marrying him? That hardly seemed like a good idea.
Zuko picked up on her hesitation and sighed, "Please?"
He'd probably help her get over it though, if she asked. They might argue a little, he'd want to stop the wedding plans because she was scared, and she'd want to keep going, but in the end she knew he could be convinced to be patient. Or she could just ignore it, maybe it'd go away? Katara looked up into Zuko's face and smiled a little, taking his hand and standing. "Tomorrow then," she could think about it some more tonight.
Zuko gave her a small smile as well, and took the lead down the now familiar hallways of the palace. It was a subdued walk, the constant noises that seem like nothing during the day had ceased for the night, and the palace was silent. The hallways were dark, lit only by glass-covered torches and the moonlight through the windows. Moonlight. It was a full moon, no wonder Katara wasn't tired. Zuko hadn't seemed to be truly tired either, but then again, maybe he was. It was good then that they'd be finishing their conversation tomorrow. Besides, she wanted to think.
Zuko bade Katara goodnight at her door and wandered back the way they had come. She watched him briefly and then turned away, entering her courtyard. The water trickling from the dragon echoed hypnotically through the small space, seeming almost to pull Katara forward. At the lip of the pool, Katara glanced down at her reflection, rippling in a pattern that might have been disturbing or beautiful had she been inclined toward romanticism. As it was she felt nothing, and stared blankly at the warped upper body of her reflection. The moon reflected strongly over her right shoulder, clashing with the orange light of the wall lamps. Katara sighed and sat on the wide fountain rim, skimming the water with her fingers.
Zuko. How did she feel about Zuko? Katara hardly knew where to start, she loved him, she wanted to marry him, and he looked good. Wasn't that what everyone wanted? Granted, she didn't entirely want to marry Zuko, he had a horribly disfiguring scar, and she didn't love him in quite the way she'd have liked. But those were weak excuses, why did she keep making them? She told Zuko yes and told herself no, and seemingly Zuko was hearing her inner voice just fine. Who was she lying to then? Herself or Zuko? Her epiphany at dinner told her she was lying to herself, but everything else told her she was lying to Zuko. The evidence seemed overwhelming that she was lying to Zuko, but somehow that didn't feel right. Maybe she was lying to the both of them.
Hypothetically then, why would she lie to herself? Katara hardly knew why she'd want to lie to herself. She'd seen some dense people in her life, and she'd seen some people who lied to themselves to keep their hope alive. Katara certainly hoped she wasn't dense, but keeping hope alive was something she was rather fond of. What reasons were there then, for needing to lie to herself to hold onto hope? Katara drew a blank and tried another method; what reasons were there for others to lie to themselves to hold onto hope? Well, love for one, maybe they had irrefutable evidence that their lover was cheating on them, but refused to believe it. Or maybe their brother was showing signs of cruelty and they couldn't let themselves believe it to be true. There were all sorts of reasons someone might lie to themselves about love. What else then? Hate. Someone might hate another to such a degree that even obvious good deeds would look tainted with vileness and lies. That was hardly hopeful though.
Katara sighed, she wasn't getting anywhere. She laid back, leaving her entire arm in the water, and stared up at the moon. The stone of the rim was uncomfortable against the back of her skull, and the brightness of the moon seemed almost to burn her eyes. The water was cold against her skin, although it was nothing she wasn't used to. The swirling currents caressed Katara's arm familiarly, reminding her of particularly weak tides. Coming and going, pushing and pulling. Strange that such a little fountain with just a few fish could be so active. Or maybe she was bending? She was swirling her fingers a little. Katara forced her arm and hand to be still, letting it float. It felt good. She sat up and slid her entire body into the water, clothes and all.
The water caressed her body, and the moon kissed her face. For the first time in years, Katara truly felt at peace. She had felt happiness, contentment, joy, but not peace. Not like this. She floated there, her feet not even scraping the tile, letting the water move her body as it wanted.
She was the water. She was flexible and together, with all the time in the world to flow to where she wanted to be. And she wanted to be with Zuko. Her realization barely registered, it was as though she had known it all her life. She wanted to be with Zuko.
Katara smiled, it was a slight thing, but if anyone had looked closely at her face they would have seen something they had always been searching for.
Katara was drifting. Drifting…
Drifting…
Katara entered the Sunrise Courtyard cautiously the next morning. She had been awakened to the frantic screams of Lin, who had thought she was dead. The screams turned to tears of relief when Katara splashed out of the pool, but the poor hysterical girl had to be carted off by a very confused guard not long after that; she had fainted. Katara secretly wondered if it was the sea prune wrinkles that had really done the girl in, they did look rather disturbing (she even had them on her stomach). Katara had then jumped right back into a tub of water, this time hot, to give herself a thorough soaping. Even for a Water Bender, it was just too much water. Now she was steeling herself to face down too much fire.
Zuko had his back to her when Katara entered. He was staring at a wall so boring he could only be lost in thought. Then he turned.
"So, what was that all about?" Zuko asked, tense.
"The fountain thing?" Katara winced.
Zuko said nothing, waiting for Katara to explain herself.
"It was an accident, I was just floating, and I guess I fell asleep," Katara stated nervously.
"What?" Zuko looked genuinely surprised, "that's it?"
"Well, yes," Katara frowned, "what were you expecting? I thought you were mad because I scared half of your staff?" Katara looked at him for confirmation, confused.
"No, no, not that," Zuko shook his head, why did he look so relieved?
When he didn't elaborate Katara asked, "What were you mad about then?"
"I thought," Zuko started, then reddened, "It's stupid."
"What?" this wasn't going to be as awkward as last night's talk of an heir was it?
"I thought you might be, uh, unhappy," Zuko didn't seem to want to say any more.
Unhappy? "Wh- oh. Oh." Katara realized what he meant. He thought he'd driven her to suicide. "No, no no no, I'm not unhappy, it was just an accident," Katara rushed her speech, wanting to reassure him. "And actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, I was thinking last night, see-"
Zuko held up a hand, still red, and Katara cut herself off. They stood silently for an awkward moment, and then Zuko walked forward and put his arms around her. Katara was too surprised to do anything, which was alright since Zuko pulled back too quickly for any sort of reaction anyway.
"I thought, I really thought-" Zuko stopped himself.
"You knew I intended to marry you partially for the sake of peace," Katara grumbled, unused to seeing Zuko so expressive with anything but anger, "it'd really ruin that if I killed myself."
"Partially?" Zuko asked, and then forgot all about Katara's syntax, "It could have been murder as well. To have someone as well-loved as yourself murdered in my own palace would please many malcontents."
Katara rolled her eyes, then tried to stop any anti-marriage plans Zuko was thinking up, "except it wasn't murder, it was just a Water Bender taking a nap."
"Fire Benders don't nap in a house fire, Earth Benders don't nap in a tomb, and Air Benders certainly don't nap in the sky," Zuko left the Water Bending analogy out. "You could have died, and it wouldn't have looked like a Water Bender just taking a nap." He seemed to have found something to be angry about; not for the first time Katara wondered if maybe Zuko had a problem with expressing himself. Anger had sort of been his thing when he'd been chasing the Avatar. But afterward? Once he joined up? He'd actually been pleasant. Of course, he had been constantly trying to win their approval, particularly her approval. Why had he reverted back?
"And yet it was," Katara shrugged, "don't worry, I have no intention of doing that again. It's not an entirely pleasant way to get up in the morning." She kept her tone civil; he was right after all, letting herself fall asleep in the water was a dangerous thing to do. She had probably been bending in her sleep, at least a little, or she would have drowned. Maybe that was the influence of the full moon? But she could ponder that all she wanted later, she wanted to tell Zuko what she had realized last night.
"Zuko, I-" Katara started and was interrupted by footsteps. Three servants marched in and set up their breakfast table. Katara wanted privacy for what she intended to say, and waited. Zuko waited silently for the servants to leave as well. It was very awkward, and Katara could see the poor men sweating under their Regent's regard, knowing instinctively that their presence was unwanted. Of course that wasn't entirely true, Katara was starving. Swimming tended to make her hungry, and sleep swimming seemed no different. Anyone bringing food her way was automatically a friend.
Katara and Zuko sat down in silence when the servants fled, then Katara spoke, "I've got something to say, and it's important."
Zuko looked up sharply, ready for something bad, "what is it?"
Katara took a deep breath, and then let it right back out again, "I changed my mind." She didn't know how to tell him. How did someone go about saying they wanted to marry someone else? She'd been saying it over and over again, but this time she meant it. She was nervous, like she was standing in front of a crowd.
Zuko frowned, confused, "then it's not important?"
"Well, no," Katara squirmed, "It's important."
Zuko watched her closely. He seemed to have gone from angry to calm in ten seconds flat. Katara remembered that gaze, he'd used it before, it was as though he saw through her every move and into her soul. "Than what is it?" Zuko's tone was gentle, compelling.
Katara looked away from his very suddenly intense eyes. It didn't help much; just knowing that Zuko was still looking at her was enough to give her shivers. His very presence demanded a confession. But she wasn't ready. "Not yet, I don't know how to say it yet," Katara closed her eyes.
Zuko said nothing, and Katara sat, eyes closed, for what felt like eternity. It was a silly way to hide, keeping her eyes shut, but Katara couldn't bring herself to open them.
"I'll wait then," Zuko said quietly, "if it's something that can wait."
Katara opened her eyes, looking at the rim of the table. Could it wait? Surely a day or two to think about how to tell him wouldn't hurt. It wasn't as though she didn't intend to. "Soon. What I have to say will come soon," Katara said, then rushed, "and it's not bad."
Zuko let out a relieved breath and Katara looked up. Zuko had been surprisingly accepting of her decision not to say anything. If he had tried, he could have gotten anything he wanted out of her. Why was he not pushing? It seemed unlike him to yield to anyone.
"You know what else isn't bad?" Zuko smiled lightly.
Katara hesitated, "what?"
"A hot breakfast, let's eat before it gets cold."
Author Note: Ohhhh, but this chapter gave me troubles. No need to bore you with how I've been busy, but damn! My business was boring! Unfortunately, when I'm very busy, I put nap time ahead of type time. Naturally I didn't spend very much time writing. (I feel like the whole story got jagged from writing only a few sentences and paragraphs here and there, like I had a different train of thought for everything.)
I really almost decided to let Katara confess, but it deviates too far from the master plan. Speaking of the master plan, unless I throw something extra in there, the main problem will fit perfectly into the next chapter. If everything goes the way I've been thinking, there will be two, maybe three, chapters after this, and then I'll say goodbye until the next time. Thank you for the favorites and reviews and all that nice stuff. You bring happy tears to my eyes. :,D
((((I promised myself I wouldn't ramble, but I've gotta say, I really left this one 'till the last minute. My two editors are leaving (one already left, one will leave tomorrow) for the summer. If I hadn't gotten one of them to read this earlier today, I would have waited to post until they got back. Either way, since they won't be here with me, I can guarantee my next post will be more than three weeks away (any farther and it's my own fault).))))
