Chapter 75 - The Wet T-Shirt Story


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"And she promised not to tell the story to anyone else until we come to embassy opening on Trubey." Jim leaned back, balancing his chair on two legs, and smiled smugly.

Uhura glared. "Allen, you're leaving in an hour and this," she flung a hand toward Jim, "is completely unacceptable."

Allen held his hands up defensively. "Not my fault - talk to Grey."

"I did. She gave Spock permission, but he's too uncomfortable about telling it."

He bit his lip. "And you think I'm not?"

"You're human." She smiled sweetly. "And I was there while you were wasted and thought you were flirting with Liz, so don't pretend you're bashful."

"I wasn't exactly myself then," he said with a pained look. "Normally, I am bashful. I'm hopelessly introverted and I blush at the drop of a hat."

Christine crossed her arms and looked at Nyota. "I don't recall him blushing either time he asked me to join him in bed, do you?"

"Oh God, I didn't." Allen buried his face in his hands.

Jim chuckled, watching color steal over his neck and ears. "I think he might have a point about the blushing thing."

"Bashful," McCoy snorted. "Selina may look a bit like Snow White, but you're about as far from resembling a dwarf as any man alive. Now as much fun as it would be to try to pry that story out of the elf, I'm with Nyota; Jim's going to be insufferable for as long as he's the only one of us who knows it."

"You know, being insufferable isn't all that bad," Allen offered weakly. "And Spock would do a better job. I probably can't even tell it without stuttering."

The physician glared. "You look here: the sort of cocky smart alack who'd hack my database and then stroll into sickbay and all but gloat about it certainly can't claim to be any sort of shrinking violet."

It really wasn't fair to be in trouble because of Erik and not be able to resort him for this. But Grey would kill him if he undid her work by letting himself slip into that persona, even under a different name, so soon after she'd put him back together. "How about claiming a healthy survival instinct?"

"He's got a point." Jim laughed.

"If she gave Spock permission, I'm sure it would be okay for you to tell us too," Nyota wheedled. "You could at least tell us your version of the story."

"My version, eh?" He stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Okay... Marsha was stupid. Tim was a jerk. Grey got wet. We all got angry. Spock got even." He grinned a little. "And I got a kiss on the cheek for giving her my dry t-shirt. The End."

Bones scowled and Jim nearly over-balanced trying to laugh and applaud at the same time.

Nyota crossed her arms angrily. "You owe me, Allen. I believe the relevant phrase was 'any favor I'd care to name'?"

His mouth went sideways. "No wonder you and Grey are practically sisters, you don't play fair either."

"Does that mean you'll tell it?"

"Yes, but I'm holding you responsible for whatever she does to me, Nyota."

"Wait." Jim's chair fell onto all four legs with thump. "Why does he get your first name?"

Nyota grinned. "He's practically my brother."

"Don't ask." Allen glanced briefly skyward. "Metaphorically speaking, it's all disturbingly incestuous."

"Now, start with Marsha," Nyota instructed, leaning forward. "I don't remember Selina mentioning anything about her being at the annual event."

"Actually, it was the first time I met her..."


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"Marsha, this is Allen." Selina presented him to a woman who'd just shown up and now wore a slightly strangled expression.

"Nice to finally meet you Allen," she said with an uncomfortable smile.

He nodded politely. "You too." Strange woman Selina's never mentioned.

Selina lifted an eyebrow at him. "Marsha is my roommate." There were times he thought she was reading his mind, but that fact that she hadn't slapped him the first time he'd seen her in a bathing suit made the idea unlikely.

"Excuse us." Marsha dragged Selina to the side. "That's Allen?"

He quietly resumed helping Spock wipe down tables and set up for the event. There was a flicker of expression on the Vulcan's face and Allen rolled his eyes slightly to let him know that he'd heard her too and it was okay. He wasn't surprised (although most women at least waited until he'd tried to ask them out before sounding borderline horrified) but even without looking, he knew Selina was tilting her head in a Vulcanish expression of confusion at her roomie's shocked tone.

"Tall, pale and geeky over there is the Allen you've been hanging out with?" Marsha needed serious work on her whispering skills.

"I fail to see why his appearance is causing you such distress." Selina was barely audible, but he'd become somewhat attuned to her voice.

"You said he was tall and Nordic-looking!"

"He is." Her tone was so deadpan he couldn't decide if she having Marsha on or honestly didn't see the disconnect.

"Damn, Sel," Marsha said exasperated. "I was imaging you running off to meet some big gorgeous blonde!"

That did it. He bit his lip, but a snicker escaped. There was no chance Selina hadn't heard it - she could almost beat Vulcans when it came to that sort of thing. He started humming 'Surfer Girl' just as she snatched the towel out of his hand and smacked him with it.

"That was for eavesdropping." She tossed the towel back at him.

"Hey, you were the ones talking about me literally behind my back." He grinned. "Or at least about someone with my name who looks nothing like me."

Marsha at least looked embarrassed. "Sorry, it's just... she said you were a swimmer so I expected someone ...tan."

"That is an illogical assumption," Spock interjected. "The Academy nautatorium is covered and even humans require the insulation of a wetsuit to remain in the ocean for extended periods."

"Marsha, this is Spock." Selina's voice was even, but contained a slight edge. She had really been trying to teach him something approximating 'people skills', a process Allen couldn't help but find amusing. He certainly couldn't lay claim to having any himself, but in the month that he'd known her it had quickly become apparent that the only title she was unlikely to win in a pageant was Miss Congeniality.

"Nice to meet you, Spock." Despite a bit of awkwardness, Marsha's expression indicated that Spock was definitely more along the lines of the eye candy she'd been hoping for.

Spock nodded acknowledgment, straightening primly. He'd at least gotten good at picking up on that look in humans. "If you will excuse me, the event will begin shortly and I must ensure that all is in order."

"Spock, you're hopeless - running out on a pretty girl!" Tim, who in Allen's opinion was probably responsible for Selina's aversion to the muscular-tan-blond type, sauntered up behind them. "Of course, there's a herd of others over there waiting for you."

At the head of the bevy of women cued to step on stage were several members of Spock's fan club that Selina had so far been unable to chase away. Spock stiffened, as though bracing himself.

Selina's eyes narrowed. "The arrangement was for you to handle the contestants, Tim."

"I thought he was here to make sure I didn't handle them." Tim smiled wickedly and something briefly flashed in Selina's eyes that did not bode well for Tim's future.

It occasionally crossed Allen's mind that if more guys had Tim's personality, he might actually have a shot with her. Of course, that was providing he wasn't reduced to a stuttering ball of insecurity the second he let himself think of her as anything but a friend. If wishes were horses... He shook off hopeless imagining and tried to be useful. "Considering what you paid for this opportunity, Tim, I'd think you'd want to make the most of it."

"Oh my God! You actually got him to pay!" Marsha covered her mouth, containing a giggle.

Tim looked suspiciously at Selina and she in turn shot a glare at Marsha that suggested that she might want to find somewhere else to live for at least the next month. Marsha blanched. It didn't long for anyone close to Selina to learn that there was a serious temper lurking under that near-Vulcan mask, and she had been giving more rein to showing her emotions lately.

"Um, anyway, I just dropped by to meet your friends, Sel. I really have to do some shopping. I'll pick up some extra yogurt for you." Marsha beat a hasty retreat.

Allen looked down trying to hide his expression. There probably wasn't enough yogurt in the universe to save Marsha from payback and the fact that that vicious streak was one of things he found particularly compelling about Selina probably meant there really was something wrong with him. Either that or being attracted by danger was the reason Starfleet had accepted him despite all of his other liabilities.

"Aren't you going to come take care of us?" A shapely redhead wrapped a hand around Spock's arm while plastering herself against him. Even for a Vulcan, he looked distinctly uncomfortable and Allen suppressed his own horrified reaction at someone who looked that much like his sister throwing herself at Spock.

"You were instructed to remain in line." Selina stepped right into the woman's space with the cool menace of a glacier and the woman backed off hurriedly. Considering the way she usually rescued him from that sort of thing, it was really no wonder half the people there thought that Selina and Spock were secretly dating.

"I'll be right with you, babe." Tim stepped in with a slick smile. He winked at Selina. "You should get in line too."

She limited her response to an arched eyebrow, but it spoke volumes about the temperature hell would have to reach before that would occur. Tim just smirked and strode off to take his place on stage and ply his charms with the actual contestants.

"Are you certain that having him judge is an advisable plan?" Spock queried.

"His personality is well-suited for this sort of event and with a degree of vigilance you and I should be able to limit predation." She crossed her arms and looked up at Spock. "That is, unless you would prefer to assume the role yourself?"

Spock's eyes shifted to some point on the far wall. "That should not be necessary."

"Good, then remain behind the counter and try not to encourage them." She eyed the gathering audience. There were more women than one would normally expect for this sort of thing. "Allen, please, attempt to run interference."

They watched as she left to take a position where she could keep an eye on Tim (and potentially throw something at him if necessary). Allen gave Spock a wry smile and nodded toward the outdoor bar stand they'd set up for the event. "Draw me a stout and I'll try to look pale and geeky enough to act as repellent."

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A hand landed on his shoulder. "I still think 'tall and Nordic-looking' was a perfectly adequate description."

He tipped his head backwards and looked up at Grey. "How long have you been listening?"

She returned an inscrutable smile. It is probably a good thing that you find my 'vicious streak' a bit of a turn on.

In other words, he was doomed. But at least the prospects for making up later weren't half bad.

"You have a tendency to misjudge your appearance," Spock informed him. "As the events of the day proved, you were unable to provide sufficient repellent."

Allen looked up at him. "Now that you're here maybe you can finish the story."

"I have no wish to recall, let alone recount, the incidents that followed."

Kirk grinned. "You know, Spock, for most guys being groped by a mob of sexy, willing coeds would be a fond memory."

"Or fantasy in your case," Uhura snarked and Christine snapped her fingers with a laugh.

"I'd have paid to have seen the look on the hobgoblin's face." McCoy chortled. "Where's time travel when you'd really like it?"

"The primary application in this case would be prevention." Selina smiled slyly. "However, his expression when that half-naked blond pinned him and attempted to reach down his pants was amusing."

McCoy guffawed and Spock gave her a long-suffering look. "There was a reason that I retreated indoors."

"I did advise you to remain behind the bar counter." They locked eyes in a silent argument.

Allen sighed inwardly. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. "He didn't think I'd be the best choice for tossing troublemakers and it probably wouldn't have made any difference if he'd stayed outside. After about the fourth time you popped Tim with an ice cube for 'weighing the entries', he probably would have hosed you down anyway." He looked at the rest of table. "They really should have let me referee Tim, but I don't have anywhere near that kind of speed and accuracy."


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The next piece of ice hit Tim square in groin. No matter how much he deserved it, Allen couldn't help wincing in sympathy. That had to hurt. Well, maybe now Tim would finally remember that the rules were 'look but don't touch'. Even if the women weren't actually objecting right now, there was the risk of a lawsuit later and while none of them would mind seeing Tim sued, since Spock was technically running things, he'd get dragged into it too.

"Dammit, Chandri!" Tim squeaked. "It's all in good fun."

"Yes, it is," she called back. "I am having a great deal of fun reminding you to keep you hands to yourself."

A round of laughter and applause swelled through the crowd.

"Really? Well, I think you're just jealous," Tim called back. "You obviously don't like men and you wish you were up here instead of me."

There were more hoots from the crowd and Allen felt a twinge of jealously as Selina threw her arms around the guys standing nearest to her. "I am quite fond of men. It is only you that I dislike." She removed her arms before those guys could get any ideas and flicked another ice chip at Tim. This time he dodged it, but a couple other people pinged him from the side amidst more applause. "You see? There is a mandate from the audience. Keep your hands to yourself."

"Why don't you come up here and make me, cutie?"

Allen was tempted to look away. She hated 'cutie'. The last guy he'd seen use it on her had literally slunk out of the bar after learning what it meant to be verbally dissected. Considering the fact that she was already annoyed simply by the existence of this whole show, he couldn't help wondering if Tim had any instinct for self-preservation whatsoever. She stood threateningly and Tim took a wary step backward. Then he suddenly grabbed the hose and drenched her. The crowd went wild.

"Spock!" Allen yelled. He felt like he'd been punched in the gut - hit so hard by sympathy at the anger and humiliation he saw in her face that he couldn't believe no one was jumping the stage to smash Tim. Then realization hit him. The crowd thought this whole thing was part of the show. They'd been expecting him to drench her and pull her up on stage to declare her the winner and they wanted a good look. The laughter and catcalls were almost painful but he thought he was just reacting to how he'd feel standing in her place. That is, until she ran from the crowd and into the bar.

By the time he'd pushed his way through the crowd to the door, Spock was heading out and handing his jacket to a worried-looking woman. Of course, she'd probably never seen a Vulcan look like he wanted to pound somebody. "Ms. Chandri is in the women's lavatory. Provide her with this."

Spock hadn't seen how thoroughly she'd been soaked. Allen stripped off his t-shirt and handed it to her too. There wasn't much else he could do to help until she came out. He watched Spock stalk toward the stage, the crowd parting in surprise. On the other hand, maybe there was something else he could do. He pulled his comm out and set the record function. Whatever Spock was going to do to Tim, he was sure she'd want to get to see it.

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"He did send me the video, anonymously." She lifted an eyebrow at him. "If you had given it to me in person, perhaps you would have realized that you did not need Spock's help to know how to gain my favor. Of course, by then you had your own fan club to keep you occupied."

"And I did just fine chasing them away without really trying - which sort of argued in favor of needing help when it came to someone I actually cared about, eh?"

"You know, I might have felt a bit jealous, Allen," McCoy drawled. "But turning to Spock for that sort of help has got to constitute a new record for desperate."

"I only had a bit of a crush on her then. It was after the camping trip that I fell hard. But I'd watched her reject so many better candidates, I went straight to despair. Did not pass desperate. Did not collect 200 credits." He glanced at Spock with a small smile. "I was so pathetic even a Vulcan was moved to pity."

"On the contrary," Spock stated. "While I had no wish to watch you suffer despondency, you were then as you are now, a logical match. My only error was in not realizing that despite her time on Vulcan, Selina would not accept that, as her closest known male relative in the vicinity, I bore a responsibility for facilitating a suitable match."

Selina looked skyward. "My only error was in not realizing that Vulcans and genealogy are a dangerous mix."

Spock's lips curled slightly upward. "You are welcome."

Her eyebrows shot up, but Allen took her hand before she could reply. "Well, I thank you, Spock – for both times."

"Faf, this time you were nearly killed."

He briefly touched her hand to his lips. "If you hadn't been there when Maldi caught up with me, there would have been no 'nearly' about it."

If I hold onto you this time, will you promise to stop trying to kill yourself?

I'll certainly try to avoid it.

A bread roll bounced off of Allen's shoulder. "No private conversations," Kirk scolded.

"Jeez, Kirk," Nyota rolled her eyes, "Jealous much?"

"Hey, if I weren't such a paragon of captainly virtue, I'd have women queued out the door." Jim grinned and then quickly raised his arms for protection as the women pelted him with rolls.

"Ha! Not single direct hit!" He crowed, dropping his cover. Two rolls, fired from different angles, hit him square in the chest. Jim widened his eyes at Bones and then slowly looked at Spock. A disbelieving smile covered his face. "Spock, did you …just throw food at me?"

Spock tipped an eyebrow. "It appeared to be the appropriate course of action."

The table erupted in laughter. Selina hid her face in Allen's shoulder and McCoy pounded the table, laughing so hard he was shaking.

"It had to be done, Jim – I just never imagined the hobgoblin would actually do it!"

A third roll arced into Jim's lap. Allen grinned. "I didn't want to feel left out."

"Oh yeah?" Jim grabbed what was left in the bread basket. "Well, you're all in trouble now: I've got all the ammo!"

A handful of wet noodles fell on Jim's head. Sulu grinned down at him. "Don't bet on it."


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Kirk and Spock left the transporter room together after bidding good-bye to Selina and Allen. "Out of curiosity, Spock, whatever happened to your old roommate?"

"Mr. Barton is currently in an administrative position."

"Wait a minute," Jim said. "His last name is Barton? Your evil roommate was Tim Barton, as in Lt. Cmdr. Timothy Barton of the Quartermaster's office - that Tim Barton?"

Spock's eyebrow slanted slightly upward. "Mr. Barton was certainly undisciplined and frequently difficult, but I believe 'evil' would be an over-statement."

"Undisciplined, I think I like that even better, especially for the guy who lectured me on 'wasting Federation resources by rashly discarding my ships' warp cores'. He's been a thorn in my side on every single requisition request since." Kirk's eyes lit with devilish glee. "And you have dirt on him."

"I do not possess soil from our association," Spock replied. "However, Allen and I systematically removed public postings showing Selina in the state that caused her such distress. In addition to Allen's recording, I retained copies of those sections which contained evidence that Mr. Barton had been immediately removed from his position as judge."

"Do you still have them?"

A corner of Spock's mouth turned fractionally upward. "I rarely discard information that has the potential for useful future application."

Jim laughed in delight. "There are times when I've doubted it, Spock, but I think this really is the start of a beautiful friendship."


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AN: A long chapter, but this wraps it up. I apologize for leaving this hanging for so long (my OCs and I had a disagreement about how to end it). Thank you to everyone who has read this monster and especially to those of you who have reviewed it (you in particular fanficfan71 ;D).