Chapter 5
When we got to my house I refused to look at him. I completely freaked out, treated him like a bitch, and my house is a total mess.
When was being around him supposed to get easier, I don't want to second guess my self, I am so sick of these same questions running around in my head all the time.
"Are you alright?" he asked, finally breaking the silence.
I looked at him then quickly looked away.
"I'll be ok." I smiled "Sorry about the mess." I finished as I motioned around the living area.
"It's alright, you weren't expecting this."
"Um you can sit down if you can find some where." I said nervously.
He sat down pretty quickly, in the same spot I sat when I was watching Ellen earlier, Ellen, how I miss the. Such a carefree show with lots of fun and excitement. How could you not watch that show? I noticed I was staring at the T.V. It would be pretty weird of people could read my thoughts. Not only because they would be reading my thoughts but they would also realise that I enjoy watching a lesbian have fun on a talk back show. Not that there's any thing wrong with lesbians.
I shook my head getting rid of that lining of thoughts before I gave me self a migraine.
"Do you want a drink or anything?" I asked motioning toward the kitchen.
"Nah, I'm fine." He said smoothly looking at my computer set up.
I had three computers set up in the corner of the room. Each with the latest screens and what not that made them look good and work better. Next to my computer set up was three book cases which doubled up as window blocks. The one other window in the room was covered up by black paper then black curtains. In my waking hours I only live my artificial light. It doesn't give you cancer.
"Why do you need three computers?" he laughed.
"People watching." I smirked trying to lighten the mood a little.
"People watching?" I said with a suggestive look on his face.
"No, not really." I laughed seeing where he was taking that. "Work, hobby and play." I smiled.
"Oh nice." He said picking lint off his jeans.
I nervously and slowly made my way over and sat knelt on the couch next to him.
He looked in to my eyes then put his arm around my was pulling my closer so he could hold me. I obliged and cuddled in to him.
I hated it, the embrace was completely awkward and he held me to hard. . . NOT! That was how I wanted it to feel so could have an excuse to push him away but the truth was he cleared my mind, he made me not think, and being in his arms was so comfortable and. . . right.
"So you used to leave the house, right?" he said softly stroking my arm.
"Yeah, I used to lead a pretty out there life." I said softly.
"What do you do for work?"
"I was a financial advisor." I paused. "On wall street."
"Oh, so you're extremely smart." He said kissing my forehead.
I didn't answer, instead cuddling in to him more.
"What do you do now?"
"Graphic Design." I said honestly. "What's with the twenty questions?" I laughed.
"I'm just chatting with you about the important stuff." he said seriously.
"ok." I smirked pushing my self up so I could looking at him properly.
"Why are you moving?"
"Because I wanted to see you." I smiled and felt the colour run out of my cheeks, I felt like a basketball player waiting to be passed the ball, but instead of yelling 'I'm open and vonerable' I was feeling it.
"Oh so you admit to having a crush on me now?" he lauged.
I looked at him laughing, so cute! Hell yeah I have a crush on him.
"No, not at all." I said smirking and laughing as he pulled my on my back over his lap and kissed me.
"You're so smug." He teased
"You're so full of your self." I teased back. "I'm Mike, all the girls want me, none of them can have me."
"No of them can have me?" he asked his face over mine, one eyebrow cocked.
Shit, one step to far, what the fuck was I thinking. I felt tears well up in my eyes, he wanted me to beg him to be mine. But I am not one to force people to stay. 'Let your him go, if he comes back, it's yours, if he doesn't he never was' I remembered my mother telling me in when I was in high school. Which for some reason reminded me, what did Mike want to talk to me about.
'What did you want to talk to me about?" I asked kissing him softly as I sat up.
"Oh, right." He said sadly.
He thought about it for a moment then turned to face me on the couch.
"You know how I said I travel a lot with my work?" he asked softly and regretfully, I just nodded, he had to leave. This was now officially over. "Well yeah, they have a few dates lined up for me." he said looking right at me.
He wanted to know what my reaction was going to be. Here's what happened on the inside; My heart stopped shattered got ripped out glued together and put back in then I was kicked in the stomach. And here's what happened on the out side.
"It's ok." I smiled, "We've got to do what we've got to do."
"But we get a lot of days off, so I can come here and we can chat by video every day." He said quickly.
"Dude, it's ok, you don't have to do that, I'm fine, you don't need to pitty me." I laughed.
"I wouldn't be pitying you." He scoffed.
"Mike, chill I'm fine with it." I said scuffing his hair.
"I want to talk to you, I like talking to you." He whined.
I stayed silent trying to ignore his lies, I don't know why I thought he would be any different.
"Bailey, why do you have to be like this." he whined.
I looked at him.
"Can't you just trust me?" he begged.
Trust, he wants trust, from me? I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths.
"This is what trust did for me." I said motioning around the room. "Why should I trust any one."
"I don't know bailey, I wouldn't trust me either, but I just want you to let me care about you." He said, his words getting softer and calmer as he spoke.
He put his hand on my cheek and looked in to my eyes.
"I just want to care about you."
I looked away and started picking at a small hole in my couch I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Tears were usually how people got the truth out of me, the hidden truth.
"I'm not worth it." I whispered quietly through my silent sobs.
His hand still on my face pulled on my chin so my face was facing him I slightly tilted my head to avoid his eye contact. He yanked my chin again and my eyes snapped to his.
They were soft and full of love and concern, in that second I wondered if the face that me hurting my self by pushing him away was indeed hurting him? The pain in his eyes right now reflected my own some how, like something had passed over us and was being shared. Either way, it was for the best.
"You are worth it Bailey." He said as calmly and as seriously as he could. "You have got no idea how worth it you are." He paused making sure my eyes where locked on his. "I don't care how or why, but I promise I'm going to prove to you how worth it you are."
He ran the same hand he was holding my chin with down the side of my face.
"I'm gunna prove it!" he promised.
