Drabble Pack One


Business without a degree


The crazy summer ended, and the two proprietors of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes sat idly by in their now empty shop.

The summer was busy with all the kids out from school, but with the new Hogwarts term in session the kids were in class.

Kids couldn't exactly go to Diagon Alley to buy wheezes could they?

One twin looked to the other and said, "Brother o' mine?"

"Yes brother o' mine?"

"This business venture has not been the success as we had hoped."

"Indeed."

"Think we can make rent this month?"

"Not unless we convert the shop into a wheezes / polyjuice prostitution shop, no."

"Are you in the mood to spend some time in Azkaban?"

"Not really."

"Well that one's out then."

"Yeah…"

"Well, I can see now why Zonko's doesn't have a shop in Diagon Alley…"

"No kids."

"Yeah, maybe we should have thought of that."

…but then again, wizards are stupid.


Über spy


As of late, Lord Voldemort's plans had been ineffectual to say the least.

A raid on Diagon Alley was met with over a dozen Aurors.

An attack on the Burrow netted him an empty, and very much booby trapped house. Bill Weasley had spent years unraveling some of the most dangerous curses placed on Egyptian tombs after all; it was child's play to rig the house to remove all the air within its walls when so triggered.

Every single Death Eater he sent to do a task, regardless of if they were sent on a team or by themselves, was found dead or in a tightly locked cell.

Lord Voldemort couldn't comprehend how it was happening. At first, he thought he had a leak in one Severus Snape, but even after his public execution, the leak remained!

No, Tom had no idea where the leak was, and he would never find it in a million years.

At that moment, the telltale pop of apparition caused Harry to look up from his transfiguration essay.

There stood an elf in a rather posh looking tuxedo

"Agent Dobby reporting for duty, master Harry!"

"Dobby, I'm fine with everything else, but please don't call me master. If Hermione ever heard you say that, my life would be forfeit."

"Sorry, reporting for duty, spymaster Harry!"

"I guess that will have to do. So, what has your team of elves discovered?"

"Dobby be having a good one today! You sees, Winky be overhearing bad master say that…"

Purebloods, and by extension, Death Eaters, warded their houses up the yin-yang. Wizards, witches, werewolves, vampires, and any number of dark creatures were unable to cross the wards of their manors.

House-elves on the other hand… they can't ward them out – who would do the cleaning?

…but then again, wizards are stupid.


The Talon-ted Mr. Buckbeak


He strutted up to the bird with his two goons. It bowed to the three of them, but Draco ignored the gesture and continued until he was within reaching distance of the bird.

"Well this is easy," the blond ponce said as he roughly rapped on the bird's beak. "If Potter can do it anyone can. Bet you aren't even dangerous at all!" he said to the hippogriff, "Ugly little brute aren't you?"

It happened in a split second. One moment Draco was upright and insulting Buckbeak, and the next he was on the ground and blood was rapidly pooling beneath his body.

In the two seconds it took for Hagrid to come to the child's rescue the damage was already done.

The bird trotted off, numerous talons on both legs were covered in blood but no one was looking at the bird.

Everyone was looking at the bloodied corpse of Draco Malfoy.

The first strike – which ripped open his jugular – was bad enough and damn near impossible to repair in time, but the bird ended up taking two more swipes at the boy before losing interest.

Needless to say, there would be no open casket funeral for Draco Malfoy.

It was probably not a great idea, insulting a prideful animal like the mighty Hippogriff.

…but then again, wizards are stupid.


Food for thought.


Rita was having the best day of her life.

A few anonymous tips had her snooping around at Hogwarts once again.

Apparently there was some sort of love triangle or something going on in Gryffindor tower.

Ron was dating Lavender but also fancied Hermione, Hermione secretly liked Ron but also wanted to rekindle her fourth year relationship with Harry "the boy-who-lived" Potter. Harry liked this Ginny slut (who had rumors herself going every which way), but he disliked Hermione, however Ginny was shagging some guy named Dean -- and if rumors were to be believed, every boy above fourth year in the castle.

It was less a love triangle, and more a love… pentagram? Hexagram?

Well, it was some strange shape, and Rita loved it!

Her readership ate this shit up – even when it was completely made up – but this time she actually had a grain of truth!

Just an hour before, she had seen this Ron bloke kiss the Lavender chick, then Hermione stormed out of the room in tears!

Then, she stumbled across Harry comforting a distraught Hermione in some abandoned stairwell, erstwhile confirming practically every link in the damn… pentagram? Hexagon?

Anyways, this was turning out to be front page material! She could see the headlines now:

"Hormones in Hogwarts run wild! Who is snogging who?"

"The Golden Trio and their sordid love-lives!"

"The Chosen One's harem!"

Ohhh… that last one was goooood…

Rita was sitting impatiently in boy's dorm to get a little more juicy gossip for her article. She sat quietly in her animagus form, waiting for the show to start.

Not much to do in the mean time.

Only thing going on in the room was that squib Longbottom doing his charms homework.

That, and the frog that was silently stalking his prey.

Trevor loved bugs. Flies, bees, moths. Beetles were good too; not as good as a nice juicy fly, but Trevor was hungry, and when hungry, he was rather indiscriminate for his meals. Especially when his perspective meal stayed put in the exact same spot for over half an hour…

No one took note of her absence for over a month. Journalists were known to drop off the map from time to time when chasing leads after all.

That, and not many people liked her very much.

Probably not the smartest move hiding as a beetle when one of the three approved pets at Hogwarts was a bloody toad!

…but then again, wizards are stupid.


AN: Thanks once again to DemonicNargles for a fine job at betaing (I know it's not a word, but shut up!)

I actually wrote two other little drabbles that just didn't make the cut. They weren't bad or anything (or at least I don't think so), but we both agreed that they didn't exactly fit with the 'wizards are stupid' theme…

…and by 'both agreed' I actually meant that DemonicNargles yelled at me until I cried and did what he told me. :'(

I would start a 'oneshots and drabbles' fic, but I already have too much on my plate with my other more popular fics ;)

Maybe in the future.