Susan sat on the back stoop, drawing her knees to her chest as she stared into the yard, focusing on no one object. She felt conflicted, her mind whirling with thoughts, over the events of the past year. It had been almost a year since they had returned from Narnia and Susan felt worse than ever. All year in school she had been lost in her own world, dealing with the knowledge that she would never return home, so much so that her grades (which had never been overly good to begin with) had slipped to the point where her parents were concerned that she may not be very smart, despite her advanced maturity. She and Peter had discussed their feelings towards knowing they could not return to Narnia months earlier at Christmastime. Susan had been surprised that Peter felt differently than she did. He told her he would have given anything to return, to be High King again, but that he accepted his fate as Aslan had bade him to. Susan had kept quiet then, finding it hard to agree with him.
How could he have wanted us to be unhappy? thought Susan as she leaned her head on her hand. That was the question she had dealt with daily over the year and still could not come up with a reasonable answer for it.
Over the next two months, which seemed to pass very quickly, Susan spent more and more time with Philip getting to know him better. She was his date to the picnics and beach parties he always seemed to attend, his nearly exclusive dance partner at the lavish summer parties Aunt Bernice always went to, and was at his side every Sunday for late afternoon drives along the French shore. Both Aunt Bernice and Mrs. Montrose told anyone that would listen about how fine a couple the two made and how they were hoping for a lovely fall wedding. Word spread throughout their large circle that Susan and Philip were the summer's "it" couple and they were the talk of the town for weeks. If either minded, neither showed it, for they were often in their own happy world, enraptured by the other. At least that's how it appeared to the outside world.
The summer was nearly over. Susan had just returned from a trip to America with her parents, where she spent the majority of her summer vacation. Peter had finished his preparations with Professor Kirke for his exam and had passed it with flying colors, his whole family very proud. Edmund and Lucy, who had spent the summer at Aunt Alberta and Uncle Henry's, claimed they knew he would do spectacularly, being High King and all. Earlier in the evening, before dinner, they had called Susan and Peter in to the bedroom Edmund and Peter shared to discuss their summer.
"It was the oddest thing," Edmund began, lowering his voice so it would not carry through the closed door. "We were staring at this picture with Eustace and suddenly fell through it and landed in the ocean!"
"That is odd!" Peter exclaimed.
"That's not the worst of it!" said Lucy. "We landed next to the Dawn Treader!"
Susan knew her new relationship with Philip wasn't as wonderful as others thought it to be. In fact, deep down, she was unhappy in it, knowing neither cared for the other as one should when in a relationship. As the summer progressed, a familiar feeling, quite unpleasant, began to grow in her, one that she knew she had felt at least twice in her life before. She could never admit, because it simply was not true, that she did not enjoy Philip's company; he was fascinating and always had wonderful stories to make her laugh. He was a good bit older than her, nearly thirty, so she sometimes felt like a little girl when he was around, him being so much more experienced than her. She pretended, however, that she was not the modest girl from a small part of London, but that she was a modern young woman, daring and chic, as the French put it. Susan took her cues from the women she met and saw daily, imitating their fashions, the way they styled their hair, and even the way they walked. Philip noticed her changes and began being more forward with her, holding her closer, kissing her deeper. These things made Susan uncomfortable, but she said nothing and did not try to stop them, fearing she might look like a prudish child. Aunt Bernice and Charity also saw the changes. Charity was ecstatic, happy that her friend was finally interesting. But Aunt Bernice became worried, sensing that Susan was losing sight of who she was. She commented on this to Susan several times, her warning words of, You should be content trying to be who you are, not who someone else is, constantly echoing in Susan's head. Susan simply pushed them aside, knowing that who she had been was no longer who she had to be.
A low crickets' song began as the sun set, which cast a pinkish glow over the sky. Susan glanced up, seeing tiny specks of light in the dimmer parts of the sky, stars beginning to peep out. She remembered how the stars of Narnia shone, their brightness putting the ones here to shame. Thinking of the stars, Susan was reminded of her earlier conversation with her younger siblings, the reason for her current melancholy state.
"You saw Caspian?" Susan quietly asked.
"We did. It was so strange, because we had already taken the voyage with him," said Edmund, sensing his sister's sadness and not wanting to talk more about Caspian for fear that it might make her sadder. "But what was odd about the whole voyage was that we remembered taking it before, but everything we did and everywhere we went was new and exciting, the exact way it was the first time. We could discuss the places we had been before and reminisce about our adventures we had, but when it came time to travel to a particular island, we couldn't remember for the life of us which one we were traveling to!"
"Well I suppose that's Narnian magic for you," Peter said wistfully. Susan knew he was fighting jealousy as he listened to his siblings' tales of their trip back to Narnia.
"Oh, but it won't bring us back again," Lucy said, her eyes filling with tears.
"What do you mean?" asked Susan, alarmed.
"Aslan explained to us before we left that we were too old to return. He said we should learn to know him here, in England," Edmund explained.
"I see," Susan said, secretly grateful that she and Peter were no longer the only ones not allowed back.
"He said something similar to me when we returned before," said Peter.
"Not to me," Susan whispered, a small tear forming on the corner of her eye as she quickly lifted her hand to wipe it away, hoping no one else saw it.
Susan adjusted her sunglasses as she turned to lie on her back. The hot sun shone down on her, warming her skin. In the distance she could hear the crash of the waves hitting the shore, a lonely seagull crying to the sky. The noise was soothing to her, putting her in a tranquil state as she listened to it. Aunt Bernice and Charity had gone to Monaco for a couple days, stating that they needed to do some shopping for Susan's upcoming birthday. Being left behind had suited Susan, who felt she needed some time to herself and had looked forward to relaxing on the beach without the constant chattering and gossip of the two women. She enjoyed their company, and had found that she'd become just as much of a gossiper as them over the summer, but occasionally needed time alone with the quietness of the beach. The combination of the sun and water had nearly put her to sleep when she heard, "Hello there!" called to her, pulling her out of her drowsy state. Quickly sitting up and turning to the voice, her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, both in surprise. A man was walking towards her, his brown hair shining in the sun. "Robert," she whispered as her heart began to race.
The door creaked behind her, pulling Susan out of her thoughts. She kept her head straight as she heard the fall of footsteps coming near her. "I was wondering where you went off to," said Peter as he sat next to her on the top step.
"I just came out here to think," Susan said, rather stiffly.
"About Ed and Lucy? I can hardly believe it myself," Peter said. His voice sounded as though he was fighting disappointment, shaking slightly as he spoke. "I knew they might one day go back, but it's still hard to accept that I'll never see my kingdom again."
"I suppose," said Susan shortly.
Peter glanced at his sister, wondering about her cold behavior towards him, but brushed it aside as a "woman's problem" and continued. "I guess I still have a hard time of it understanding why our age is a problem. We were much older in Narnia, both times we were there. Maybe Aslan is worried about the affects of repeatedly growing older and then growing younger again will have on us," Peter chuckled, hoping to lighten his sister's mood.
"Or maybe Aslan is just using us," Susan said quietly, standing up and stepping away from the stoop.
"What?" Peter asked incredulously. "How can you say that, Susan? He's never used us!"
"Oh, hasn't he?" Susan cried, spinning to look at her brother, her eyes flashing in fury.
"What are you saying?" Peter said loudly, his anger rising as he stood.
"I'm saying look at what he's done! He pulled us into this world, covered in snow, and expected us as children to defeat the White Witch! Then he expected us to rule over a country that was in turmoil for years, cleaning up the mess that he should have fixed. And finally, when we had gotten Narnia peaceful and wonderful again and had fallen in love with it, he made us leave, only to be thrown back into a world filled with war. And if that's not enough, he used us again, as children, to fix yet another problem in Narnia. One that probably wouldn't have happened if he had just let us stay in the first place!" Susan yelled, her eyes filling with tears.
"What are you doing here?" Susan asked when Robert reached her.
"It's nice to see you too," he teased, sitting next to her on the sand. She saw his eyes quickly glance at her legs, which were bare in her swimsuit, before shifting quickly up and looking apologetic. Always the gentleman, she said to herself, inwardly sighing.
"I'm sorry; it is nice to see you. It's just a surprise," Susan said politely, if not somewhat stiffly.
"That was the whole point," he said, smiling warmly at her.
"Oh," said Susan softly, turning her eyes out to the ocean and breathing deeply.
"Maybe I should have called first," Robert hesitantly said, sensing his surprise visit had upset Susan.
"No, it's a good surprise. I just don't understand why you're surprising me," Susan explained, keeping her eyes forward. She knew if she looked at him and saw his eyes, all the work she had done over the summer to move on would be shattered. Robert reached over and gently grabbed her chin, pulling her face to look at him.
"I came because I missed you."
Peter's fists clenched tightly as he stared at his sister, his fury emanating from him. Susan inwardly shivered; it had been years since she had seen her brother so angry. His temper, which was only rivaled by Edmund's, had been known throughout Narnia to be fierce when it arose. Susan had often feared for those who angered Peter, knowing there were few brave enough to stand up to him during one of his rages, or, as Edmund called them, his "temper tantrums." In fact, the only person she had ever seen stand up to him and come away triumphant (or as triumphant as one can be when tempers rise) was Georgiana, whose temper often flared out of no where, occasionally putting both Peter's and Edmund's tempers to shame. Susan had always been one of the few who had been brave when faced with her brother's temper, but only if it was directed elsewhere. What made her fear worse at present was that the full force of his anger was now directed upon her. It was a very rare occasion that he was angry at her the way he currently was. Susan braced herself for the verbal onslaught that she knew was coming.
Susan looked into Robert's ocean blue eyes, the walls she had built over the past few months crumbling instantly. A longing she had never known before overtook her, the sudden desire to throw her arms around him and hold him tight nearly overwhelming her. He still held her chin, his strong fingers grasping it tightly as he smiled at her. He's going to kiss me! her mind screamed excitedly as her heart continued to race. She feared it would burst out of her chest if he waited any longer.
"Susan!" she heard behind her, the voice tinged with a soft French accent.
"Oh, of all the timings in the world," Susan muttered. She stared at Robert for a brief second, noting the mixture of confusion and worry on his face, before jerking her head out of his hand and turning to see Philip jogging across the beach towards her. When he reached where she was sitting, he flopped down next to her, kissing her on the forehead briefly.
"Hello," Philip began as he looked at Robert. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Philip Montrose." Robert reached and shook Philip's outstretched hand, saying, "Robert St. James."
"A pleasure," Philip said in a voice that told Susan it very definitely was not a pleasure. "How do you know Susan?" he asked, sliding his hand on Susan's thigh in a possessive gesture. Susan's eyes widened briefly as she glanced at his hand as it rested higher than he had ever touched her. Her head turned quickly to look at Robert, only to be met with a deadly glare. She had never seen Robert more than mildly upset, his easy-going nature one of her many favorite traits of his.
"We know each other from London," Robert replied, his voice even-toned.
"Ah, how nice of you to come to visit Susie while you were in the country then," Philip said, smiling smugly at Robert. Susan held her tongue against reminding him not to call her "Susie," a nickname he had started calling her recently, wishing he would remember how much she hated it.
"Actually," said Robert, "I came specifically to visit her."
"I see," Philip said, a touch of anger in his voice. Susan glanced at him to see an horrible smile on his face, one that nearly disgusted her. "How very kind of you to travel all this way for her," he said. Susan felt his hand move higher on her thigh, her back stiffening as he did so. She glanced back at Robert and saw a look of pure hatred mixed with hurt on his face. He stood and brushed the sand from his pants.
Looking down at Susan he said, "I believe I was mistaken coming here. It seems you've been in good hands all along." Robert turned and walked away, leaving Susan sitting incredulous at the situation. She turned to Philip, pushing his hand from her thigh forcefully as she shot him an angry look. Standing quickly, she turned and ran after Robert, yelling "Robert, wait!"
"It doesn't work like that, Susan! You know that!" Peter yelled.
"Then how does it work? By making us lose everything?" Susan retorted. The two siblings were squared off in the yard, standing like two fighters ready to attack. They had quarreled as children, disagreed as adults. But now, in their late teenage years, their emotions ran wild, causing them to fight as they never had before.
"Aslan doesn't just give you what you want because you want it. He gives you what's right for you, what's best for you. I thought you of all people would understand that," Peter said angrily.
"And what has he given me that's been best for me? Happiness? A home? Love? All those things were taken from me! For a year now I've felt that I wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough, to deserve those things and that's why they were taken away." cried Susan. Peter was silent, seemingly speechless at his sister's admission. She took the opportunity to continue, her anger rising as she admitted something she had only dared to think when she was alone. "I see now that I was wrong. He was just finished with me. I had served my purpose there and there was no reason to keep me around any longer," she said.
"Susan you know that isn't true!" Peter said forcefully. "Aslan wouldn't treat us like that. He wanted us to find him here, as he's known here. He told us that."
"He didn't tell me!" Susan screamed, tears trickling down her face. "He only told me he had another purpose for me here, that my time in Narnia was over. He might as well have told me my life was over."
Susan caught up with Robert just before he reached the wooden stairs leading away from the beach. She grabbed his arm, stopping him before he could begin his climb. She was breathless, having forgotten how hard it was to run in sand, especially when chasing another.
"Won't you look at me?" she asked when he wouldn't turn around. Robert turned, the look in his eyes nearly knocking Susan over in shock. The normal, calm ocean blue that they were was filled with anger, reminding Susan of the ocean during a storm, very much like the one that had knocked them overboard all those years ago.
"I made a mistake coming here," he said.
"Why did you come here?" Susan asked, her eyes narrowing.
"I'm leaving Susan," Robert began, but was interrupted by Susan.
"You don't have to leave!" she cried.
Robert shook his head and said, "No, I'm leaving to go to America. My father has an associate there who wants me to help him set up a branch of his company in London. I'm going there to discuss our plans."
"How long will you be gone?" asked Susan.
"For a few months. I should be back sometime in December," Robert answered, his voice growing colder.
"You never answered my question," Susan stated. "Why did you come here?"
"I came to ask you to come with me to America. But I see now you have other things here to keep you occupied," Robert said, glancing angrily towards the beach.
Peter turned and stormed back towards the house. "I don't see how you can still love Narnia after all this," Susan called after him. Peter stopped as he reached the stoop and turned back to look at his sister. Susan knew that as long as she lived, the look her brother gave her would be permanently etched in her memory. His mouth was drawn in a tight line, one she knew he wore when he was at his angriest. His eyes burned with a fiery mixture of anger and sadness, a little wildness about them as well. He gripped the black metal railing, turning his knuckles so white Susan could see them from where she still stood in the yard.
"I still love it because I have to, Susan. If I didn't, if I forced myself not to love Narnia, I don't know if I would be standing here any longer. I kept the faith in Narnia and in Aslan," he said, his voice sounding once again like the king he had been instead of the teenaged boy he now was. Peter turned back and walked up the steps, stopping when he reached the back door and spoke without turning.
"What I don't understand is how you can turn your back on who you were always meant to be."
"So that's the type of man you like? A disgusting pig that doesn't have an ounce of respect for you?" he asked furiously, gesturing towards the beach where Philip still sat. Susan felt suddenly angry, irrationally angry.
"Philip respects me! He loves me!" Susan yelled.
"Oh, he does, does he? He's told you this?" Robert asked skeptically.
"Well, not in so many words..." Susan said, her voice trailing off. She knew Philip did not love her and had come no where close to professing that he did, whether true or not. She was unsure why she had even brought it up.
"Not in any words, I'll wager. If he loves anything about you, it's that he loves how you look, or how you allow him to feel you up while you're only half dressed!" Robert yelled as his anger at Susan grew. Susan gasped loudly, shocked at Robert's accusations.
"I'll have you know that Philip is a perfect gentleman towards me. He's exactly the type of man I could hope for: smart, ambitious-" she began, but was cut off by Robert.
"Wealthy too, I suppose? By the mane, Susan! Is this the type of woman you've become?" he yelled, his voice barely controlable now.
"What did you say?" Susan asked, shocked at Robert's phrasing.
"Don't change the subject! The woman I know wouldn't be swayed by such superficial things. The woman I know wouldn't allow herself to be the shallow creature you appear to be," he said, his voice seething.
"This is who I am! This is who I've always been!" Susan shouted, her body shaking with anger, forgetting her previous question."The woman you think you know doesn't exist!"
Robert stared hard at her, his face a mixture of disappointment and hurt. Susan's heart broke just seeing the look, knowing it was her fault. But I can't go back to where I was. This may not be ideal, but it's better than the hurt and confusion I lived with every day, she thought, forcing herself to keep her face straight. Robert's face hardened, a mask of hatred replacing the hurt, and said in a voice dead of emotion, "Then I wish I had never met her."
