AN: Sorry this chapter's taken a little longer to post... This week has been absolutely crazy like you wouldn't imagine!

Robert climbed the stairs, leaving a speechless Susan standing at the foot watching him leave as tears filled her eyes. "Everything okay here, Susie?" Philip asked from behind her. Susan felt him place his hand dangerously low on her left hip and spun to look at him, her eyes flashing in anger.

"Don't call me that!" she cried, moving out of his loose embrace.

"What's with you?" he asked, scowling at her. Shaking her head, Susan turned and ran towards the beach, her feet sinking slightly in the sand.

When she reached the ocean she slowed, walking along where the ocean met the sand and hugged herself about her middle. She had half expected Philip to call to her, or chase after her, demanding to know what was wrong. He didn't, much to Susan's relief. There was a cluster of rocks ahead, the bottom of the craggy hill that the beach was below, which Susan leaned upon when she reached them. She stared out to the ocean, watching the gentle waves foam and crash. Her fight with Robert replayed over and over in her head and each time she found a new moment to be angered with, a new line to be sad over.

"He has no idea who I am," Susan whispered to herself as she clenched her fists, feeling her nails digging into her palms. Even as she spoke the words she knew she was fooling no one, least of all herself. Robert knew her better than anyone, almost as well as Edmund had. He understood who she really was deep down under the façade she painted of herself to everyone she met. He saw through her, to the very core of her being and it scared her. Although the two were different, his eyes pierced through the lies she told, the pretenses she held, just as Edmund's had so many times.

Susan stood on the shore watching the sun rise over the horizon. It pained her to know that this would be the last time she would ever see the sun rise over Narnia. An angry tear slipped down her face before she could catch it. Who are you fooling, Susan? This is probably the first time you've ever seen a Narnian sunrise. How much time you've wasted on such silliness since we've been back! she berated herself, scowling.

"Susan!" she heard called behind her. Turning, she saw Edmund jogging across the beach towards her, a wide smile on his face. If only he knew, she thought sadly, her heart painful from knowing her younger brother was about to be separated forever from the woman he loved. "What are you doing out here? Peter's going crazy because we couldn't find you!" Edmund playfully scolded when he reached Susan.

"I just needed a moment. You know how I am about sailing," she replied, hoping her voice didn't betray the emotions she was feeling.

"A moment to what?" Edmund asked, confused.

"To say 'goodbye,'" Susan said softly.

"Goodbye? We'll only be gone a few weeks. You're as bad as G," Edmund chuckled. Susan turned to look at her brother; the raw emotion in her eyes quickly wiped the grin off of his face. "Susan, what's wrong?" asked Edmund, concerned for his sister. She slightly shook her head and looked back at the ocean. "Don't lie to me. There's something wrong and I expect an answer," Edmund demanded, his voice sounding very kingly. Susan straightened her back and turned to glare at him.

"Do not take that tone with me, Edmund Pevensie," she said forcefully. "You may be a king, but I'm still your older sister." Edmund chuckled again; Susan had sounded so much like their mother just now. Funny how I suddenly remember my mother; I haven't thought of her in years, Edmund thought. Susan glanced up, a figure in the distance catching her eye. She saw Georgie standing on the top of the cliff and smiled.

"It seems Georgiana is out early," she said, pointing up to where Georgie stood. Edmund turned to look and smiled widely.

"She loves the sunrises. I've caught her out here several times watching them," he explained softly. Susan looked at her brother and saw the tenderness and love he felt for Georgie written on his face.

"You really love her, don't you?" she asked. Edmund turned to his sister and nodded.

"More than I even realize," he replied. Susan felt the painful tugging in her heart again as she turned to look back at the ocean. "Look, Susan, I need to get up to G. But I know something is wrong with you, even though you say there isn't. I won't press you to tell me what's wrong, but whatever it is, things will work out the way they're supposed to. And Su," he added, placing his hand on his sister's shoulder. Susan turned to look at him as he continued, "There's a purpose for you just as there's someone out there for you. I don't know if that's what has you upset, but I truly believe you'll find what you're looking for soon."

Susan reached up and hugged her brother tightly, whispering in his ear, "Thank you, Ed. Go to Georgiana; tell her goodbye. I'll meet you at the ship."

The waves lapped at Susan's toes as if they were beckoning her to come with them as they rushed back to the sea. If only I could, Susan thought sadly. She felt herself taking steps forward until the water splashed against her ankles. I could go further in. Leave this place behind and join the others. I could be with my family again. The water reached her knees and she closed her eyes, feeling the coolness of the water against her sun-warmed skin and wishing she could sink into it and allow it to take her away.

"This is ridiculous," she muttered lowly. She hated herself for being so cowardly and sighed deeply as she turned and trudged through the water back to the shore. She sat down next to the rocks and leaned against their hard surface, her head falling back on them. I am a coward, she thought. She had been too cowardly to face her demons, to admit that she had been hurt by Narnia and longed to reconcile with it. Her siblings had been the brave ones, their belief in the goodness of Narnia never faltering. She had been a traitor, not only to her country, her family and her home, but to herself. At the first sign of difficulty she turned her back on the people and kingdom who had given her so much. "Even if I had done it," she began as she glared at the inviting ocean. "I don't think I would have been welcomed with my siblings. I would hardly blame them for not wanting a person like me in their paradise, if that's what Aslan's Country truly is," she whispered to herself, a single tear running down her face.

Hours later Susan found herself lying in her bed. She had not bothered to change from her bathing suit nor washing the sand and saltwater from her body. It had left a mess on her bed, but she had not cared. She stared at the ceiling, her emotions warring inside, as the quiet tick of the wall-hanging clock crept by. I've been so many people. Daughter, sister, friend… Queen, Susan said to herself as her brow furrowed in thought. But which am I now? It had been years, decades even, since Susan had felt so confused and out of place. And then she'd had her siblings to help her remember who she was.

Trumpets blared announcing the return of the king and queen. Susan rushed down the castle stairs leading outside to see her brother Edmund and sister Lucy gallop towards Cair Paravel. "Edmund! Lucy!" Susan cried as her siblings dismounted and rushed towards her. She threw her arms around them both, hugging them tightly to her. When she released them, she began patting them down and inspecting them for any injuries. Lucy rolled her eyes and allowed her sister's motherly ministrations, but when Susan turned to Edmund he grabbed her hands and said, "If you mother me, I'm sending you away."

Susan laughed gently and pulled her hands from Edmund's. "Why don't the two of you go in and I'll follow shortly. I want to see to the men before I come relax," Edmund suggested, pushing both his sisters towards the castle stairs. Susan and Lucy smiled back at him and wrapped their arms around each others' waists, as sisters as close as they often do, and walked into the castle.

"I'm so sorry things had to come to this. Everything is my fault," Susan said quietly when they were out of earshot of Edmund. Lucy pulled away and glared at her sister, shocked at her admission.

"Susan! Never say that! This isn't your fault. All you did was refuse to marry someone who was horrid," she cried, hugging her sister tightly. When Lucy pulled away, Susan shook her head.

"My people died because of my mistakes. I'll never forgive myself for causing them to go to war. I'm hardly the queen they know," she said.

"They went gladly, Susan. That's the wonderful thing about the Narnians. They love us as we love them, more so I wager, regardless of our mistakes. Their kings and queens were insulted by the way you were treated by Prince Rabadash, and because we were insulted, they, in turn, were insulted. You can't blame yourself for this. You just can't!" Lucy said firmly, grasping her sister's shoulders and giving her a firm shake.

Susan gave her sister a teary laugh and said, "And here I thought I was the older sister."

Susan wiped the tears that had formed in her eyes as she remembered her sister, whose wisdom was always greater than her own. She was right though. Funny how I'm only now seeing that. All I did was refuse to marry Rabadash. I gave him no reason to hate me other than refuse his untoward advances, she thought, feeling some of her confusion slip away.

"Lu, will you mind leaving Susan and me alone for a bit?" Edmund asked. Susan glanced up from her plate, which she had been staring at during dinner, startled out of her daydream by her brother. When Lucy had left, Edmund looked at his sister and said, "Okay, Susan. What's going on?"

"I don't know what you mean," Susan said softly, avoiding her brother's gaze.

"There's really no sense in trying to fool me. You've hardly touched your dinner, you've been near silent since we returned from Archenland, and you look as though someone has killed your very best pet. Tell me what's wrong," Edmund ordered in a firm voice.

"When will the two of you realize that I'm the older one?" Susan muttered.

"Does this have to do with Rabadash?" Edmund asked knowingly. Susan's head jerked up, her eyes flashing briefly in anger before they filled with tears. "It does, doesn't it?" Edmund said softly. He stood and walked around the table to where his sister sat and placed his hand on her shoulder. "You have to let it go, Su. We got out of Calormen, safe and sound. We defeated Rabadash at Anvard and he won't ever return, thanks to Aslan. Things are alright now," Edmund said, hoping his assurances would comfort Susan's fears. Susan looked up at her brother through her watery eyes and shook her head.

"I don't think things will ever be alright again," she said quietly.

A knock on the door brought Susan out of her thoughts. Quickly wiping the tears from her eyes she sat up and called "Come in!" Charity opened the door and walked in, scowling at Susan's appearance.

"Susan! We're supposed to be at the Montrose's in an hour and you're not even dressed!"

"Sorry," Susan muttered, hopping off her bed. "I suppose I'm a little tired from the beach."

"Well do hurry!" Charity exclaimed as she primly sat in a high backed chair near Susan's bed. "We can't have you looking like that for your big night?" Susan, who had been rummaging idly through her wardrobe, turned and gave Charity a puzzled look.

"My big night? Aren't we just going to a normal dinner party?" Susan asked. Charity rolled her eyes and gave Susan a wide smile, looking as though she had a juicy secret and was anxious to tell.

"Well, yes. I suppose it is. But I've also heard rumors that tonight may be the night for you and Philip!" Susan's eyes widened.

"The night? What are you talking about?" she asked.

"The night you'll finally get engaged, of course!" Charity cried, jumping out of her seat excitedly.

"Oh!" Susan said, surprised. She turned back to her wardrobe, hoping Charity wouldn't see the shock and unhappiness that she knew was showing on her face.

"Aren't you excited?" Charity asked, her voice touched with concern.

"Oh, of course. I'm just surprised, I guess," Susan said, turning to look at Charity, who smiled wide and clapped her hands excitedly.

"Wonderful! Now hurry up! We'll meet you downstairs!"

Susan laughed softly as her friend hurried out the room, closing the door behind her. Turning back to her wardrobe, she stared at the dozen or so dresses that hung in there, none of them appealing to her. I suppose it doesn't really matter what I wear, Susan thought to herself as she reached in and pulled out the first dress her hand touched. If he's planning on asking me to marry him, he wasn't expecting me to expect it, so I shouldn't look as though I do. Whether I want him to ask or not. Susan held the dress up to her and, glancing in the mirror, sighed deeply. "I suppose I should just accept this is my life and to hell with my past. I can't change those things and I'm not that woman anymore," she said to her reflection, her face a mixture of sadness and determination. Nodding to herself, she dressed quickly and pinned up her hair, finishing only moments before they were to leave for the Montrose's and Susan's impending future.

The Montroses' dinner party was a whirling success, much to Mrs. Montrose's delight. The food was delicious and the wine had been flowing since Susan walked in the large dining room. Her head was nearly swimming from its effects; there had been a different type with each course. So far, they were on their fifth course, with two still to come. Philip sat diagonally from her and kept shooting her glances, smiling whenever their eyes would meet. Susan became increasingly uncomfortable as she knew his proposal could possibly be coming any moment. Her worries caused her to eat less and less and to drink more and more as the meal went on. When dessert was finished and cups of coffee were passed around, Philip stood and smiled at Susan. She smiled hesitantly back as her heart began to race. Oh no, oh no, oh no, her mind screamed as it seemed to spin where she sat.

"If I can have everyone's attention," Philip began. The guests at the table quieted down and looked towards him. Mrs. Montrose began dabbing her eyes with her napkin, Susan noticed. "As you all know," Philip continued as he smiled wider at Susan. "Susie and I have been seeing each other all summer." Susan inwardly rolled her eyes at his horrible nickname for her. "I think, as you all can agree, we make a great match and make each other very happy. I don't want to make a flowery speech, so I'll just be blunt. I've decided to ask Susie to marry me." Cheers and applause rang out from the table as Philip was clapped on the back and Susan hugged tightly by the other guests. When it was all over, Susan's cheeks hurt from the forced smile she had plastered on her face since Philip had stood.

The party moved into the ballroom where a band was beginning to play and many other guests had arrived. Susan and Philip walked about the room, mingling with the other guests and receiving congratulations from nearly everyone they spoke to. How funny they are to congratulate us when he hasn't even asked me to marry him, Susan thought as she smiled politely to an older couple. The two danced to several songs, some fast and some slow, as the night drew on. Susan, although still feeling the effects of the wine from dinner, continued to drink the glasses of champagne being passed around by waiters carrying small silver trays with tall flutes of the bubbly liquid on them. A slower song was playing as Susan swayed back and forth with Philip, nearly unable to keep herself together. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, "Come with me. I have something for you."

He took her hand and led her from the floor and out of the room. They reached the ornate marble staircase in the hall that led to the second floor and Philip began to climb. Susan took two steps up the stairs and suddenly stopped, realizing what was happening. Philip turned and asked, "Susie? What is it? Come on, your gift is up here." Susan shook her head, the wine making it feel as though it was heavier than a stack of bricks.

"I can't go up there with you. What will people think?" she slurred, grasping onto the banister for support. Philip sighed and rolled his eyes, grabbing her hand again.

"No one will think anything. Let's go," he said firmly, giving her a slight tug. Susan, being in no state to protest, followed him up the stairs, where he led her to the second bedroom on the left side of the hall way.

"O my Queen, my gentle beauty," Prince Rabadash crooned. Susan glanced at him from where she stood next to him in the gardens of the Tisroc's palace. Seeing his handsome face now disgusted her, increasingly more than it had once excited her. Since their visit to Tashbaan, Susan had seen a different side of her would-be betrothed; he was cruel and selfish, treating others with little or no respect, including her. "I would know your answer now," he continued, reaching out to stroke Susan's dark hair. "I would make you my wife, O Queen, and together we will have many children, one who will one day sit on the throne as Tisroc. Does not that sound appealing to your barbarian mind?" he asked as he ran his fingers through Susan's hair. Susan fought to suppress the urge to shudder and jerk her head away from his disgusting fingers.

"My dear Prince, I am still considering the marriage proposal you made to me. I have consulted with my brother, King Edmund, regarding it. But he suggests, and I agree, that we wait until our older brother, the High King, is returned," Susan explained.

"Yes, your brother," Rabadash said low, the tone of his voice making Susan nervous. "He spoke to me earlier this morning and when I pressed him for the knowledge in your heart, he spoke to me of the fancies of women and how they change before the sun can set."

"I- Edmund spoke to you?" Susan stammered, unsure of what her brother might have told Rabadash.

"He told me my suit may have grown cold within your heart. I hope, O Queen, that he is mistaken," he said, his fingers growing tighter around Susan's hair.

"I need more time," Susan said, praying to Aslan that her voice sounded like that of a Queen of Narnia and not that of the scared girl she felt like. Prince Rabadash's eyes grew colder as they narrowed, his hand fisting around Susan's hair.

"I am a prince of Calormen, O my Queen. I do not like to wait," he said in a deadly voice. He pulled Susan's face to his, pressing his lips hard onto hers, his kiss punishing and cruel. Rabadash's left hand snaked around her waist, grabbing her backside tightly as his fingers dug into her, grasping a handful of her dress. His other hand moved to the top of her dress, ripping the fabric down and pressing his hand roughly on her bare skin. Susan gasped at his touch, tears forming in her eyes.

"Queen Susan!" cried a voice. Mr. Tumnus! Susan's mind screamed.

Rabadash growled and released Susan, who quickly grabbed the remnants of her bodice and held it to her tightly. Rabadash reached for his scimitar, which he wore at his waist, but stopped before pulling it out of its sheath when Susan cried, "No! You can't kill Tumnus!"

"One less of you barbarians will not be missed," he said cruelly.

Susan straightened, her posture that of the regal queen she was, and said, "If you cause him any harm, you will be openly waging war with Narnia. I will see to that." Rabadash looked at her with such contempt that Susan took a slight step backwards, fearful that he may try to force her again.

"I will have you as my wife, O my Queen, you false jade. As my wife or as my slave. But make no mistake; I will have you. Whenever and however I so choose," he said, an evil look in his eye. Susan's eyes widened and she inhaled deeply, before backing away from Rabadash and turning to run from the gardens before she was seen in her state.

Susan walked down the hall to her bedroom. Her hair, which had previously been perfectly styled, now looked mussed, a few locks having escaped from their pins. Her clothes hung limply on her, slightly wrinkled as though they had been carelessly tossed on the floor. She had left the Montroses' an hour ago and had walked home, their house only being a few blocks away from Aunt Bernice's. She had left Philip lying in the bed of the second bedroom on the left side of the hallway, his smug face telling his true nature. She had quietly collected her belongings and walked zombie-like down the stairs and out the door, thankfully not running into anyone on her way out.

When she reached her bedroom door, she grasped the handle and turned, pushing the door open to her dark room. After shutting it behind her, Susan leaned against it and allowed herself to sink to the floor. Her time with Philip had sobered her, her head no longer swimming but instead pounding with pain. Drawing her knees up tightly to her chest, she rested her chin on them and drew her arms around them. Trembling, she whispered to her dark, empty room, "What have I done?"