AN: I PROMISE this will hopefully most likely be the last overly depressing chapter... because quite honestly, Susan is bumming me out!

Susan sat in a high backed green leather chair, the material feeling cheap and worn under her fingers. The room around her was dark, paneled in wood and very dimly lit. There were a pair of large windows on the wall opposite her letting in sunlight, but the day was dreary, so the sunlight streaming in was minimal. Turning to look at a wall full of shelves, she stood and walked to them, taking in the names of the numerous leather-bound volumes and the photos in silver frames that stood interspersed throughout the books on the shelves. A large picture hanging on the wall caught Susan's eye. She turned to look at it, the swirling reds and blues of it making her stomach churn. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, fighting the cold sweat that overtook her. When the feeling passed, she opened her eyes again and began studying the picture. She took in the shapes and forms, the way the objects in it were connected to each other. Her arm rose, ready to trace along the lines of it, when she hear the clacking of someone walking in the hallway. Dropping her arm, she hurried quickly back to her chair and sat.


A week and some days before the railway accident

Dear Susan,

Hope you are doing well. Mother says you've gotten yourself involved in several different leagues and organizations. I'm sure that's wonderful and they're going well, but I wish you would reconsider going to school with me. I know you didn't do so well before, but I think you would enjoy it here. Maybe it would open your mind a little more.

I'm sure Mother will tell you, but I'll be coming home at the end of the week for summer break. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to it! Professor Kirke has invited us all to his house in the country for tea and some reminiscing and I would really like it if you would come with us. Su, I know you think Narnia is just a game, but it isn't. I think this time will help you to remember. I hope you'll come. Give my love to the others.

Your brother,

Peter

Susan sighed as she folded Peter's letter and placed it in her desk. As much as she missed her brother and was happy he was coming home for summer vacation, she was not looking forward to living with her three siblings over the next three months. Edmund and Lucy had become more and more persistent over the past year regarding Narnia, begging her to remember it and discuss their lives they had lived there. She knew with Peter leading them, there would be numerous fights and tears as there had been before he left for University.

Peter arrived, as promised, at the end of the week. Their mother, happy to have her whole family back together, prepared a large dinner full of Peter's favorite dishes. The Pevensies ate and laughed and talked and when dinner was over, the family withdrew to the living room with coffee and dessert. Mr. Pevensie asked Peter about University and his classes and how he was liking them. When Peter had answered his questions, Mrs. Pevensie asked a question that quickly sobered the Pevensie children's happiness.

"So Peter, have you met any young ladies while at University?" she asked, smiling widely at her oldest son. Peter sputtered on the sip of coffee he had taken, coughing a little over it.

"I, um, well no, I suppose," he stammered, shooting a glance at his siblings. Susan forced her face to remain serene, a mask hiding the shock she felt from her mother's question. She looked out of the corner of her eye at Edmund and was met with a dark, painful look. She quickly glanced away, but a small sniffling sound next to her caught her attention. Turning to look at Lucy, she saw her eyes tearing up and noticed her face looked as though she were about to burst into tears.

"Stop it!" Susan hissed, elbowing her sister in the side.

"Ouch, Susan!" Lucy cried, her sad face quickly becoming angry.

"Susan?" their father asked sternly. Susan responded with an overly sweet smile and said, "Sorry." Her father gave her an odd look before returning his attention to Peter.

"It's the oddest thing, the way you all behave," their mother began, smiling sadly at her four children. "Why, when I was Lucy's age, my father nearly had to beat the men off with a stick! But none of you even seem to show any interest in any one. And Peter and Edmund, you're both very handsome young men. I'm sure any girl would feel lucky enough to have you, if you would only find one!"

"Dear, don't pester the poor boys!" Mr. Pevensie chuckled. "I, for one ,am glad my two beauties haven't had many young men knocking down our door. None of them could hardly be good enough for my little girls anyway," he added winking at Lucy and Susan. "And as for the boys, I'm glad they haven't found any girls either. Peter needs to concentrate on his studies at University and Edmund's nearly getting ready to begin his studies in the fall. They're all still so young; they'll find someone to make them happy when it's time."

"Er, right Dad," Peter said hesitantly. Susan glanced at her oldest brother, noting the uncomfortable look on his face, before peering at Edmund. His face looked crestfallen; Susan knew he was remembering Georgie and how much he had lost when they left Narnia. Feeling like she'd had enough of the melancholy atmosphere, she sighed sharply and stood, announcing, "I think I'll be going to bed now." She kissed her mother and father goodnight and turned to Peter. "It's good to have you back home," she said stiffly, hugging her brother before walking out of the room.

Susan sat at her vanity, brushing her hair as she prepared for bed, when Lucy burst into their room followed closely by Peter and Edmund. She set down her brush and turned to her siblings, smiling at them. Since Peter had gone to University whenever he came home for his term breaks they had made a tradition of gathering together alone and catching up with each other. Lucy hopped on her messy unmade bed and sat cross-legged, tucking her skirt around her knees. Susan inwardly rolled her eyes at her sister's behavior, hoping that one day she would realize how old she was and how to sit like a lady and not like a 5-year old. Peter leaned against the end of Lucy's bed and Edmund, mimicking his brother's stance, leaned against Susan's.

"So school's been going well, Peter?" Susan asked.

"It has. I love it there," Peter replied, smiling widely. "You would too, I imagine," he quickly added.

"Oh, don't start on that again. I have no interest in going back to school," Susan said, rolling her eyes as she stood and walked to her on bed. She sat on it and leaned back against the headboard.

"Maybe he's right, Su," Edmund said as he moved and sat on the foot of Susan's bed. "Maybe it would give you something to do besides flit about town playing Susie Socialite."

"Edmund!" Susan cried, shocked at her brother's snarky comment.

"Well, I'm sorry. But that's all you seem to care about these days and it worries me. Those new friends of yours are pretty awful, if you ask me," he said.

"Well no one asked you, Edmund," Susan snapped.

"Children, children," Peter said sternly from where he had moved to the end of Lucy's bed. His scolding earned him two glares from Edmund and Susan and a gentle whack from a pillow, courtesy of Lucy.

"Stop acting like you're so grown up," she said, giggling as a few feathers flew from her pillow.

"Lucy, we are grown up," Susan said.

"We're just waiting for you to catch up," Edmund added teasingly. Lucy stuck her tongue out at her brother, causing all her siblings to laugh. When their laughter died down Peter asked, "What do you make of Mum and Dad asking us about our love lives? I hated being put on the spot like that, especially since I couldn't answer them honestly."

"That was simply awful!" Lucy agreed.

"Awful," Edmund said quietly. Susan glanced up at her younger brother and saw the raw emotion on his face that she had seen earlier. She yearned to lean over and hug him, comfort him from his loss, but she knew that to do so would be to admit that she did indeed remember Narnia and she was in no mood for the fight she knew that would lead to.

"Oh, Edmund, I'm sorry we even brought it up!" Lucy cried, jumping off her bed and hugging her brother. Susan felt a pang of envy towards her sister's ability to comfort others when she could not. When Lucy pulled away she asked, "Does it hurt terribly?" Edmund smiled and rolled his eyes at his younger sister.

"Yes, it hurts, but don't be so dramatic about it. I deal just fine. It's hard some days, knowing she's gone. It's been increasingly harder the past month though; I've felt like I've seen her everywhere and everything reminds me of her. Sometimes it feels like she's calling to me, urging me to go find her. But I know that's silly. She's back in Narnia and I'm here," he explained sadly.

The siblings were silent for several moments before Peter spoke, "Maybe tomorrow will be good for you then, Ed. Professor Kirke has told me often that remembering Narnia with its friends helps to take the pain from missing it away."

"Oh yes! I nearly forgot about our visit to Professor Kirke!" Lucy said, clapping her hands. "You'll come too, won't you Susan?"

Susan gave her sister a funny look and said, "Lucy, you know I don't have time to go play silly childish games. I have other plans anyway. As fond as I am of Professor Kirke and Ms. Plummer, I think they do you all a grave disservice by playing make-believe with you." Lucy's face turned to one of shock, her eyes wide and her jaw dropped.

"Susan, how can you be that way?" Peter asked angrily.

"I'm sorry, Peter, but I think one of us needs to remember that we're grown-ups and set their foot down. And since it won't be you, it has to be me," Susan retorted. The two older siblings stared viciously at each other; their fights, though rare, tended to escalate quickly until they were both screaming at the other. Peter gave a small growl and pushed himself off Lucy's bed, his fists clenched as he stormed out of the girls' bedroom.

Lucy stood and turned to her sister, crying, "Why do you always have to ruin our lovely moments? Just because you don't believe in Narnia anymore doesn't mean you have to ruin it for everyone!" She hurried after Peter, hoping she could calm him down before his temper really got out of hand. Susan sighed and looked at her remaining sibling.

"Ed," she began apologetically but was cut off by Edmund's raised hand.

"Don't, Susan. You don't have to apologize. We've heard it all before," he said quietly, his voice filled with disappointment.

"I just don't see the point in it anymore," Susan whispered as she drew up her knees to her chest.

"The point is that it really happened. Those were really our lives. Susan, how could you forget? How do you not remember who you were? Who you are?" Edmund asked pleadingly. Susan glanced up and saw hurt in her brother's eyes. She knew the hurt was because of her, because of her rejection.

"Edmund, I just can't. You can't remember something that never happened," she said firmly. Edmund drew his mouth into a tight line and nodded curtly before standing and walking silently out of the room. Susan watched him leave, shutting the door behind him. Sighing, she scooted down her bed under the covers, pulling them over her head. It felt like hours before she heard Lucy stomp angrily into the room and huff as she climbed into her own bed. She's right, Susan though. I do ruin everything.

The next morning Susan woke late and went downstairs for breakfast. With Peter back, I hope they've left me something to eat! she thought. Peter's appetite always shocked Susan whenever he came home. When she came to the bottom of the stairs, she saw her siblings in the hallway near the door getting ready to leave. Two others were with them in the hall, shaking off an umbrella.

"Eustace! Jill!" Susan exclaimed, pulling her robe tighter around her as she greeted her cousin and his friend. She tolerated both of them, Eustace more than Jill. He had gotten better over the years and was not nearly as bratty as he had been as a child. Susan thought Jill was still a bit of a know-it-all and had a habit to be a little overly-teary at times. She gave them both quick hugs, trying to avoid getting wet from their rain clothes.

"Bit of a late sleeper, aren't you?" Jill asked, giggling as she pulled away from Susan.

Susan gave her a forced pleasant smile and said, "We were all up late last night catching up. I didn't realize everyone was going to be leaving so early; I would have woken sooner had I known."

"Oh, are you coming with us today?" Eustace asked, eager for his cousin to join them.

"I don't think so, Eustace. I have a really busy day planned today," Susan answered kindly.

"Oh, come on Su. Just this once?" Peter asked hopefully.

"Peter, you know I won't. I have other things to do and other interests than talking about some game," Susan snapped. It annoyed her that her brother would ask her again, even after she had explained her reasons to him several times.

"All you care about now is lipstick and fashion and what parties you'll get invited to!" Jill exclaimed, rolling her eyes at Susan.

"Jill, that was uncalled for!" Eustace said, nudging his friend in the arm.

"Well it's true," Jill muttered, rubbing the spot where Eustace had nudged her.

"I'm sorry I don't want to pretend those silly games anymore! We're all grown-ups now. We had a wonderful time playing as children, but really. I've put those childish games away," Susan replied haughtily.

"Susan," Edmund began sadly.

"Don't bother, Ed," she replied as she stormed out of the hallway to the kitchen. Tears began welling in her eyes as she heard Peter say, "She's no longer a friend to Narnia, it seems. I don't see the point in trying to convince her anymore."

"Peter, she's our sister and a queen of Narnia. We have to keep trying, no matter how much she keeps fighting her memories," Edmund said softly.

The week passed by slowly, Susan and her siblings speaking very little to each other. It was near the end of the week when Susan awoke from the sound of a creak in the hallway. Startled, she sat up and peered through the darkness at her sister's now empty bed. The creak that had woken her was followed by a loud thump and someone hissing "Shh!" Cocking an eyebrow at her bedroom door she stood and crept quietly to it, opening it slowly. A light shone up the stairs from below. Susan tip-toed down the stairs to see who was up at the early hour.

In the hallway stood Lucy, straightening the caps of two men dressed in workmen's clothing. Susan leaned her head to the right, curious as to why her younger sister was with two strange men in the middle of the night.

"Lucy, what on earth are you doing?" she asked. Lucy jumped, startled at Susan's appearance, and the two men turned.

"Edmund! Peter!" Susan cried.

"Shh!" Edmund hissed, waving his hands at Susan. "You'll wake Mum and Dad!"

"What are you doing?" Susan hissed back, narrowing her eyes at her brothers.

"Don't tell her Ed," Peter said quietly, his voice angry.

"Oh, shut up," Edmund said, giving his brother an annoyed look. Turning back to Susan he whispered, "We're going to find the rings Professor Kirke and Aunt Polly used to travel to Narnia before."

"You're going…" Susan trailed off, letting the meaning behind Edmund's words sink in, her eyes widening as she understood their meaning. "But you're not allow-" she quickly stopped herself before finishing her sentence. She was going to say "But you're not allowed back in Narnia," but knew if she finished her sentence her years of pretending would be discovered. Edmund narrowed his eyes at Susan, realizing her near mistake. Lucy and Peter took no notice of her slip as they continued to work on Peter's workmen's clothes. Peter glanced at the clock hanging on the wall.

"We need to be going Ed," he said quietly. Edmund nodded, keeping his eyes on Susan.

"You two go on ahead. I need to talk to Susan for a minute," he said.

"Okay, but make it quick. We need to hurry so we can get the rings before Eustace and Jill's train gets into the station," Peter said as he opened the front door. Lucy followed him out, giving Susan a small smile. When the two were out the door and it closed behind them, Edmund looked darkly at Susan.

"You do remember," he said shortly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Susan said softly, knowing her brother saw straight through her lie.

"Stop with the lies, Susan!" Edmund cried softly. "I know you remember and I know you're only pretending you don't!" He grabbed her arm tightly and shook her as he spoke.

"Okay! I remember!" Susan cried loudly.

"Why have you been acting like this all these years?" Edmund asked, releasing her arm.

"It's been easier to pretend Narnia doesn't exist than to admit that it does. You found happiness in Narnia, Edmund. You never got hurt by it!" she said.

"Never got hurt by it? Susan, have you lost your mind? I'm hurt by it every day!" Edmund said angrily. Susan's eyes opened wide at her brother's admission.

"Then why do you still believe in it?" she asked. Edmund sighed and shook his head.

"You don't get it, do you? How can I not believe in something that actually happened? It's like saying I don't believe in my 7th birthday party," he explained. Susan smiled gently at hearing this. "Also," Edmund continued. "I believe in it because I have to. Because I need to. I don't think Aslan took us from that world as a punishment like you think. He has other plans for us, greater than anything we could have accomplished while in Narnia. You have to believe that Susan."

"I just can't, Edmund. I can't see what other life there is besides the one I was forced to leave. I can't see what other purpose Aslan could possibly have for me here," she said softly.

Edmund sighed and said, "I need to get going. Come with us, Su. Come help us as a Queen of Narnia should." Susan shook her head, a tear running down her cheek.

"I can't," she whispered, her voice breaking.

Edmund hugged her tightly and whispered, "I understand and I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope one day you come back to us, Queen Susan."


Susan turned as she heard someone enter the room. A middle-aged man walked in and shut the door behind him. He was kind looking with greying hair and a warm smile.

"Mrs. Pevensie," he began as he walked to Susan and shook her hand. When he released her from his grasp he moved behind a large oak desk to sit, stopping slightly when Susan spoke, "Actually, it's Miss Pevensie."

"Oh, I see," the man said, his smile turning into a frown. "Well that, I suppose, changes things."

"What do you mean?" Susan asked as she sat up straighter in her chair.

"Perhaps you would like to call your mother? A sister, maybe?" the man suggested.

"My mother and sister are dead, Dr. Graves. I put that in my medical forms," Susan said angrily. Dr. Graves looked shocked at his mistake before straightening his face.

"Of course, dear. I apologize for my mistake. I just hate giving such news to unwed mothers who are alone," he said gently.

"Wait, what? Mothers? I'm not a mother," Susan exclaimed.

"I'm afraid, my dear, you are. Your nausea, headaches, excessive tiredness: all reasons you came in here for and all happening because you are indeed expecting," Dr. Graves explained.

"I don't know how this could have happened," Susan whispered, shock setting in. Dr. Graves chuckled slightly, earning him a deadly glare from Susan.

"You say you've been feeling these symptoms for just over a month. I assume you can think back to the cause of your pregnancy that happened just over a month ago?" he suggested.

"Of course," Susan said quietly.

"Perhaps you'll want to call the father and tell him the happy news?" Dr. Graves asked.

Susan glared up at him, her eyes cold, and said, "That won't be necessary. Thank you, Dr. Graves." Susan stood to leave, gathering her coat and purse.

"My dear," Dr. Graves said, causing Susan to pause without turning. "You won't do anything reckless, will you? We have programs here to help women who find themselves in a family situation."

"Of course, Doctor. You have nothing to worry about. I'll take care of myself and my baby," Susan said as she turned to look back at the doctor, smiling at him. The picture on the wall that she had stared at earlier caught her eye as she walked towards the door. It was a diagram of a baby inside its mother's stomach. Susan stared briefly at the picture, another wave of nausea hitting her. Closing her eyes tightly, she forced it back, fighting to control herself. Continuing her walk out the door, she placed her hand on her stomach. When she closed the office door behind her, she leaned against it and looked down at where her hand rested. "A baby," she whispered.