Chapter Two
I remember crying…weeping so hard the words could hardly get out. I'm sure a normal human wouldn't know WHAT I was saying…but he did.
I remember him holding my trembling hands…his were cold, as usual, but I could feel that they were shaking too. It was what I had just said that turned him into afraid immortal were a moment ago he was concerned lover.
"You…", his voice was barely a whisper, "You love…him?"
I hated the way his voice sounded, so hurt and vulnerable. I only cried harder, my vision so blurred, fat, wet drops plopped onto the Cullens' marble dining room table.
We were meeting tonight to discuss wedding plans, but the more we talked about things like the dress, the table settings, the location…the more I felt it wasn't right. For the past few months, I dreamed of Jacob, longed for him. He stopped coming around lately, deciding to give me my space to figure things out. He had last said to me, "If you pick him, I will be happy for you. But I can't watch it happen, Bella. You belong with me."
And now that Jake wasn't always around, trying to convince me of those facts, I finally started to feel it too. And strangely, when I was with Edward, I felt…down. He hadn't done anything wrong. He was always perfectly right. Maybe that's what it was. Maybe if Edward had just made one little mistake, I don't know, burned something or dropped a jar of tomato sauce, I would've laughed with him and maybe fell in love with him in a whole new way. I had that with Jacob.
I don't know when or how it happened but I just knew at that point I wanted Jacob, I craved him. I felt as if I were always about to cry from loneliness, even though I was always surrounded by Cullens.
And this night, it finally came out. I think Edward had to have known and sensed it before it was spoken, but he still responded with fear and shock….and horrible pain.
For the longest time we just sat there, stunned. Me sobbing and him staring at me, praying to God he was dreaming all this somehow.
It seemed like ten years later one of us moved. It was Edward, stroking my hair on both sides of my head, a gentle "shhhh" almost purring out of him.
Then I cried more.
I did love Edward too. He was amazing, sweet, true, loyal, beautiful, protective…everything girls like me read about in romance novels. Everyone would say I was crazy for not wanting Edward. I thought it too. But I couldn't help what my heart was feeling. It was crying for Jacob, but still, I loathed doing this to Edward. I didn't know how I'd live with the guilt and pain I was feeling now.
Here is a boy who never knew love, romantic love, that is, all his life. He had to watch lovers in and out of his house for almost 100 years and never got close to feeling it himself. Then finally, I came along and changed all that. He told me I awakened his frozen heart. That I brought him to life.
And now I had to destroy him and that precious, beautiful love and force him to know eternal heartbreak.
I suck.
And then I tried to sputter out that sentiment in between my heaving sobs while Edward's brow furrowed as he tried to decipher my words.
"You-were-better off…", I took a big breath, "Before you-met me! I-don't-want to-do this-to you."
I thought I saw him give a little grin even though his eyes were filled with anguish.
He leaned in gently and placed his lips on my forehead and I loved that icy burn I was feeling.
"No, Bella.", he whispered, "I was not better off without you. I would rather die today than to wish you erased from my life. A hundred thousand years without knowing love, without knowing YOU…is nothing."
I heard myself really bawling now. Jacob didn't say things like this, his love was different. But I would really miss this magnificent creature who was comforting me while I was tearing his heart from his chest. He was just too good to be real.
I hadn't felt Edward leave me, but suddenly, there was a glass of icewater in my hands, Edward's over mine, guiding the glass to my lips.
"Drink, beautiful girl.", he said with a deep voice, a little above a whisper now as a tiny mouthful of water passed my lips.
I almost choked a little on it and then he took it away and patted my back lightly.
"More?", he looked into my eyes with those heavenly butterscotch orbs of his.
I nodded.
Again, a little grin crossed his lush lips and he fed more water to me.
At least my crying stopped, maybe that was his plan, to shut me up. I'm sure all the Cullens were listening, wherever they were hiding now.
No, I know he's trying to comfort me, he's gorgeous that way.
After a few minutes and a half glass of water, I finally took some deep cleansing breaths while Edward stroked me, and then I was able to speak clearly again, my eyes not having the nerve to look straight into Edward's.
"You're too good to me.", I began, thanking him for taking care of me first.
"I love you…I love being good to you.", he answered simply.
"It would be so much easier for me if you yelled or something…threw a vase…", I muttered.
Then I heard a faraway Esme's voice yell out, "Don't you DARE Edward !"
"I've broken my limit of treasures this month.", he said, trying to sound lighter.
"Why aren't you mad?", I heard myself blurt out, then I looked into his eyes.
"I am mad.", he said in all seriousness, "Mad at myself, for whatever I did that pushed you away."
"You never pushed me away.", I quickly corrected, feeling even worse now, "You have treated me like a Queen, always! I don't know why this is happening."
"I think I know.", he said softly, one hand gently dancing along my hair, "I've treated you as a Queen…but you're a woman. You don't belong sitting on a throne. You're more at home on the motorcycle."
He didn't say it as a put down. It was a compliment and it sounded that way. He was right, too.
When I met Emily, I think I felt it then. She was happy in her little forest cottage, making muffins for Jake and his friends. I remember thinking then, that could so be me. I would be happy here.
Edward had been so noble, so understanding with me that night. Part of me thought maybe he didn't really want me all that much since he let me go so easily. But as he kissed me goodbye while we were parked in Charlie's driveway, I heard a pained hitch in Edward's breathing that said it all.
He pulled away suddenly, as if his secret was out. I looked at him and new tears filled my eyes as he hid his face from me in the darkness.
"I won't say goodbye.", he said with a cracked voice, "I'm always your friend. All you need to do is call me, even if it's with your own voice in the middle of your kitchen…and I will be there."
"I know.", I whimpered, tears escaping from both my eyes at once. I let them be, I didn't wipe them away.
There was a moment of silence. I couldn't leave. Edward didn't want me to go either…I just knew it in my heart. We both figured if we didn't say anything, we could just go on sitting in the Volvo forever, like we planned. But it became clear it was time for me to go, to end this and stop hurting Edward. I thought the sooner I go, the sooner he could start to heal. I prayed he could. And then the thought of him finding love again with someone else just made me want to vomit. What the hell am I doing ?
"I love you Edward.", I managed to squeak the words out into the blackness of the car, only the blue and green lights from the dashboard colored Edward's profile slightly, making it look a little eerie.
Before I saw him, he was holding me in his cool arms and I heard him exhale into my hair, it almost sounded like he was crying.
"I love YOU Bella.", he whispered then pulled away again, as if I burned him.
"You should go inside.", he said in a very monotone voice right away, "Charlie is wondering what's taking so long. He thinks we're making out."
Then I looked at the house and indeed, Charlie was flicking the porch lights on and off, his signal to me to get my butt in the house. I almost laughed but I couldn't ignore what I was doing to Edward. It scared me. I felt like I needed to say more. It didn't feel right to just end it here and walk away, not after all we'd been through. We both nearly died for each other, more than once. How could it just end like this ? In a car?
"Edward, I—"
"Please Bella!", he cut me off with a harsh tone, "Please go inside!"
Then I saw his hand clutching at his eyes to hide them from me. He was in agony and I was prolonging it. He was probably fighting every instinct he had to just let me go this sweetly without a fight and I was making it harder by hanging out.
Then my hand flew to the door handle and opened the door, and as I went I said "I'm sorry, Edward."
It was a statement made in a sob and it was so delicate but I know he heard me.
Before I knew it, I was running up the steps to the front door, tears clouding the view again…it's a miracle I didn't fall on my face. I deserved to. I just killed all the feelings Edward ever felt for me and threw them in his face. I felt evil. And when I spun around to watch Edward drive away, the Volvo was already gone.
It was weeks before I could even CALL Jacob. It just felt wrong to call Jacob the next day and happily squeal, "Jacob, I choose YOU ! Come over and get me!"
I suspected Edward was always nearby, still watching and listening from afar, protecting me…loving me.
My cell phone vibrated in my purse and I felt every eye on me. I'm glad I made the ring silent since I was going to a funeral. I hurried to get into my purse to answer it fast because I knew exactly who it was. And if I didn't get the call before it went to voicemail, I was in for it when I got home.
I didn't need to see the name EDWARD on the screen to know who it was. Edward is the only person in my whole life now. Who else would call me?
"Hello?", I answered quietly as possible as I made my way towards the back of the room, my head down.
"Bella, I want you home now.", the silky but stern voice demanded calmly.
"But I've just been here for a half an—"
"Are you arguing with me, Bella Swan?", he sounded a tad bit more irate now.
"No, I'm not arguing with you, I just-", I stopped myself there, hating the way I sounded…so weak. But I knew I couldn't win against him. I had tried fighting him before.
"I'm leaving now, okay?", I gritted my teeth and in my heart fell to my hands and knees, begging Jake to forgive me and my goddamn pathetic existence.
"Attitude.", he observed with displeasure, "After I was kind enough to let you go to your dead human's wake. Very nice."
By this point I was in the parking lot and nearly to my car. I felt hot tears rise up in a half second at the words 'dead human'. I still can't believe this is Edward, every time he speaks anymore, it's hateful and cold and cruel. I don't even see the real Edward that I used to love anymore. I used to see him now and then, but lately, it's just the monster I ever see.
He took Charlie away from me. He took Alice and his entire family away from me. Renee and Phil are gone too. And now Jacob, the last person I had left. One by one, every avenue of escape was shut off by him. And I was so broken by it, that I didn't even realize how much anger and rage were boiling inside me…until now.
I threw my purse at the car as hard as I could and let the tiger loose.
"You FUCKING MURDERER!", I screamed into the phone, my eyes clenched tight, "YOU'RE THE DEAD ONE, BITCH ! YOU CAN NEVER KILL JACOB, YOU HEAR THAT? NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU STAB HIM, YOU CAN'T TOUCH HIM! BECAUSE I STILL LOVE HIM AND I ALWAYS WILL! NOT YOU – HIM! JACOB IS THE ONE WHO WILL LIVE FOREVER, NOT YOU! HE'S IN MY HEART, HE'S ALIVE THERE AND HE ALWAYS WILL BE! AND I'LL STAY HERE AS LONG AS I WANT TO DRACULA! YOU CAN'T PUSH ME AROUND ANYMORE – I WON'T LET YOU ! I HAVE NO ONE LEFT SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW TO KEEP ME QUIET? MAKE YOUR FUCKING MOVE, CULLEN, CAUSE I'M READY!"
I actually wanted him to kill me. I would be free then. I would be with Jake.
I wanted to hear his rage, I waited to hear him scream at me. But it didn't happen. One thing is for sure…Edward is never scarier than when he's dead quiet.
Then he hung up.
And my heart stopped.
I waited. I couldn't move from the spot I was cemented in. I looked around, thinking he would come and take me home by force. But nothing happened. And this frightened me more.
Shivering, I found myself in my car rushing home, unsure why. Maybe I just wanted it to be over, so much so that I couldn't even wait a couple more hours to be there for Jake before facing Edward.
But the ride back took longer than I thought. There was construction going on along the highway and I didn't get home until about two hours after Edward hung up on me.
I peeked up at the Cullen house, where we lived alone now. It always amazed me how this place used to be so magical to me…and was now a prison. Without Carlise, Esme, Alice, Emmett, and even Jasper and Rosalie…this place wasn't the same anymore. Nothing was.
I ran up to the door and went inside. Once in the foyer, I could breathe again. But then a second after, a new fear took hold. Now I'd have Edward to deal with. This last fight was the worst one yet, at least on my part. I had never yelled like that before. I hoped this would be enough to earn his wrath and force him to finally finish me.
"Edward…", I whispered. The house was so dark. Every light was off.
I really wanted to just fall into a ball on the floor and wait for him to come to me. But that's my weak side talking again. I thought of Jake and how he suffered in his death. I remember the detective telling me how Jacob fought for his life with all he had.
I had to be brave. I had to make Jake proud.
"Where are you Cullen?", I called out, sounding hard as nails.
Nothing.
"Are you afraid to face me?", I forced myself to walk into the living room, boldly flicking the light switch on. No one was in this room. For a flash, I almost saw Emmett, Edward and Jasper there on the floor, playing XBox together. And my heart broke once again.
"Isn't this a tad corny, Edward?", I went towards the kitchen, scared to death but not showing it at all.
I shoved my hand up under the switches here, and found another empty room. He is just playing with me now. Bastard.
I dug into my purse and pulled out my cell phone. It's stupid, but I need more courage. I know just where to get it, too. I went into my old saved incoming messages. I had saved a very special one. I listened to it all the time and I needed it now for sure.
I couldn't wait until it started and then finally – "Hey Bells, it's Dad. Just wanted to let you know I won't be home tonight. Working late again. But don't worry, we'll do something you like next weekend, I promise, anything you want. I'm sorry I'm not around a lot. But I'm always thinking of you. I know, enough, sorry. Love you, see you tomorrow for breakfast. I'll have pancakes."
Then he laughs a little and says, "Goodbye, Bella. Sleep tight."
Tears are all over my face, like always when I hear this message. But I have courage now.
I shove the cell into my purse and put it on the counter. I want to grab one of the butcher knives in the wooden block staring me in the face but I don't. It won't hurt Edward and I'm not interested in saving myself. I want him to end me.
"Come on, Edward, stop this and just do it already.", I call out again, with no shiver in my voice.
"I was wrong.", I said loudly again, "I don't WANT forever. It's too hard. You were right. I'm only 21 years old and I want to die! What does that tell you ? I'm not strong enough for this ! You were the one who warned me over and over about this life! I believe you ! And I don't want it…please…"
Now I was pleading. As I went from room to room, turning lights on, and finding nothing but memories of the beloved family that disappeared, I was feeling more and more alone with each step.
"But first I want to know it ALL EDWARD !", I found myself shouting again, a new erupting strength in my veins, "I want to know what you did to them ! All of them ! I want the stories in detail ! Charlie, Renee, Phil ! And Carlisle ! ESME ! ALICE ! YOUR WHOLE FAMILY ! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID WITH THEM EDWARD MASEN ! I'M NOT CALLING YOU A CULLEN ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WORTHY OF IT ! I know you killed them ! I just want to know HOW before I join them !"
They all just vanished without a trace. Every time it seemed like I might leave him.
Only Jacob was left behind for me to find. And that was on purpose, because of his jealousy and because I foolishly told Edward that I was leaving Forks with Jake. I lashed out and told Edward off then, too. And poor Jacob paid dearly with his life. After Edward locked me in the basement, he took his time with Jake. The police said it was the grisliest and most demented murder they had ever seen. Edward tortured Jacob. It was bloody and slow. I will never be rid of those images. I didn't even recognize the body as Jake's when I found it. But I knew. I didn't tell the police it was Edward because I knew they'd only die trying to arrest a vampire.
After I reached the room that was Edward's when I first came to this house, and found no one, I sunk to the floor on my ass and just cried. I missed the Edward I fell in love with. I still remember the exhilaration when he danced with me on this very spot. I was his in every way then. I would've done anything for him, I was his slave.
"If any part of you feels any love at all for me…", I said softly, knowing he could hear me wherever he was, "Then please…please just let me go…please Edward. I can't stand it anymore."
Nothing.
Weeping, I felt myself say the words, "I hate you."
And I got to my feet, hoping maybe he really wasn't around after all. Only a couple more feet…I was slowly walking to the glass window that Edward liked to leap out with me on his back. I pushed the glass and it moved out and to the left of me, the blue moonlight world below waiting for me. It was so far down…and so beautiful.
"I'm sorry Dad.", I whispered as the wind pushed my hair back loosely around my shoulders, "I need to."
And I jumped.
Only I wasn't afraid. I knew Jacob would catch me at the bottom of this cliff and Edward could never reach me again. I hoped I would get to be with Jacob. I was technically committing suicide and Jake had not. I prayed God would understand my side of things.
And then I felt a tug and I spun. Something cold was holding my arm…no, wait, I was being lifted.
In seconds I realized what was happening and who I was with. I was bent over Edward's shoulder and his hand held my kicking legs like a vise against his chest. He stopped me again. I knew he was listening and closeby.
"NO!", I was screaming at the top of my lungs, thrashing and fighting even though it was no use, "NOOOOO ! Let me GO !"
"Stupid, stupid girl !", Edward's voice muttered to himself as he slowly walked me through the house. I already knew where he was taking me.
"I WON'T GO EDWARD!", I shrieked, trying to grab walls, corners, anything I could as we descended into the lower levels of the mansion, "PLEASE EDWARD, PLEASE ! JUST LET ME DIE!"
"What attempt is this, number 15, now Isabella ?", he sneered, "You are so pathetic !"
"Shut up !", he snapped, "No one can hear you out here, you know that!"
And for reasons I don't know, I heard myself calling for help.
"Jacob!", I was howling, "JAKE !"
"Prince Charming is dead, Bella.", Edward reminded with an ice cold tone, opening the basement door.
He went down the stairs with me on his back and didn't bother to turn the lights on. He didn't need them. I felt myself be placed on the queen sized bed he put here for me long ago. It was a basement, but in the Cullen home, even the basement was posh and huge.
I knew the restraints were coming next. This bed had hospital restraints to keep my hands down at my sides and my feet the same way. This is where I would go when I misbehaved. I could spend weeks here…months even. But I would give in sooner than that before. There was always someone I cared about for Edward to threaten, so I would apologize and give in. Now there was no one left to hurt except me. I wondered what card he would have to play against me now.
Before I could feel it happening, my arms and legs were restrained. I felt Edward's weight on the bed as he sat beside me.
I felt a wet swab on my inner elbow and then a little prick injected the vein.
I let out a little half growl half squeal sound. He had drugged me again to calm me down. I guess without Jasper around he had to use drugs to soothe me now. This wasn't the first time he'd done this. I knew I'd be asleep very soon, maybe for days.
Everything was already dark but now it was also spinning.
The last thing I remember was Edward taking my face in his cool hand and making me look at him. Nose to nose we stared each other down for a moment.
Then he said what he always says when he's won.
"You are MINE."
-end of chapter two-
