Thanks for all of your wonderful reviews, and thanks for remembering me and welcoming me back so sweetly. It's very nice of you all ! I hope I don't disappoint you, but I have learned that not every word I write will thrill everyone. I'm not afraid anymore of bad reviews – NOT THAT I'M ASKING FOR ANY – LOL!
I am Team Edward, I LOVE EDWARD and enjoy making a hero into a darker, more tortured type. I believe that if Edward lost Bella, and you will see flashbacks throughout this story that shows why he slowly lost his mind along the way, that we would see the monster in him emerge.
PS I don't think Edward would've really harmed the child he kidnapped, but he knew Bella would be more agreeable with him if a child was in danger. In Edward's head, Bella hates him sometimes, and when she shows that, he desperately and insanely has to find a way to make her stop behaving that way. He wants to believe that she still loves him. To me, this is sad. But anyway, let's see what our cute little kiddies are up to, shall we ? See ya !
Chapter 4
"Say the words Bella.", Edward folded his arms and waited as he stood over me.
I was sitting up now on the bed, my whipping had just ended and my hands were free. Absentmindedly rubbing my sore wrists, I tried to forget the pain in my body. He would treat the wounds and take care of me…after I said the words he wanted to hear.
The fact that I was still naked didn't matter much right now. A little boy's life was waiting on me to say my lines. I forced myself not to think of Jacob just now.
"I love you…Edward.", I said, trying to sound true in my conviction.
He sighed hard and turned away.
"I don't believe it, Bella.", he was clearly disappointed, "Again."
I shivered and closed my eyes. I had to speak to that Edward I first loved, that would sound true because it is true.
Standing up, I hurled myself into his arms and buried my face into his neck, smelling his seductive fragrance and breathing it in…for a moment I was 17 again…in his arms…untouched by pain or heartache yet. I hoped the right Edward inside him heard me this time.
"I love you Edward.", my voice cried and I felt my lips open and close over the skin right below his beautiful jaw line, "I love you…"
And I'm so sorry I destroyed you…God, I am sorry…His arms gently coiled around me, being careful not to touch my injured back too tightly. The tension left his body and I felt it as I clung onto him.
It was several minutes before I heard anything from him at all. Then I was relieved to hear the velvet voice responding.
"Bella…", he choked, "Bella, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
Is he reading my mind? I just thought the very same thing.
"I forgive you.", I felt a tear escape both my eyes at once. It's myself I can't forgive.
A flash of recent events stabbed into my brain as I forgave him. The whip made hard contact into my lower spine and I had screamed out like a savage at that stroke.
Edward sneered, "That's for crying over Jacob BLACK, you sickening little WHORE !"
I couldn't speak. I had forgotten how. I felt blood slowly moving down between the crack of my ass cheeks. I prayed Edward would lose control and just drink me…drain me…let me die. Please!
"Apologize you little bitch.", he demanded with a low deadly voice.
"I-", I sputtered, tears spilling out of both my eyes as I stared straight up at my useless bound hands that were turning a light shade of lavender, "I'm sorry."
My voice was so small.
"You certainly are.", he spat the words, his hand clutching my hair at the scalp and yanking it back so I was looking into his eyes from upside down, "Who do you belong to? Say it !"
I gasped and hurried to reply. "You, Edward.", I said meekly, "You!"
Jacob, please save me! Give me a heart attack and kill me, take me with you!
He gave a tsk sound and shoved my head away from him in disgust.
"I never believe you.", he growled, "Lying little slut."
I was broken out of my memory by his new voice…angry Edward was gone for now.
"What's happening to me, Bella?", he sounded like he was crying softly, tortured beyond repair.
"It's alright.", I lied, stroking his hair, my mouth kissing his cheek, "It's not your fault."
It's all mine.
At this, he cried harder, probably knowing I was just lying to calm him.
"God…", he quivered all over, "What have I done? Please, Bella, help me…"
This was another horrible part of all this…the Edward I loved had no control over the angry side of himself…and sometimes, when I did show him love…he would awaken as if from a deep sleep and remember what he'd done to me…and beg me for forgiveness. It was the most heart breaking thing for both of us. I couldn't find it in me to hate this Edward.
I had to take this chance to save that boy before Evil Edward returned.
"Edward?", I whispered into his ear as both my hands kept stroking the back of his unruly hair.
"Yes Bella?", he couldn't look me in the eye but I had his full attention, I felt his hands gently touching my slightly bloody back, and they were trembling hard. No part of me cared anymore that my blood might insight him into biting me. I prayed for an end to all this, and lately, as each person in my life disappeared, I dreamed of death.
"Let's go and free the little boy.", I dared to breathe the words, then pulled back to stare into his dark eyes, adding firmly, "Now. Alright?"
He nodded right away, anxious to set this travesty straight. This was my Edward…I was sure of that now. I wondered how long he would stay with me this time.
"You need clothes.", he averted his gaze from my body but quickly moved around the basement in a blur. Treating me as if I were made of wet sugar, he carefully helped me into an extra large t shirt, which was soft and didn't cling to my sore back, and a pair of my favorite most comfy jeans that had a couple holes in them. If Alice could see me now.
I almost smiled, thinking of her face if she saw these jeans, and then instantly, my heart shrunk with intense pain. Alice…my sister. My missing sister.
My mind went back to the last time I saw her. She was disappointed that I had not chosen her brother and even more devastated that she would not get to be my sister like we planned, but she did not abandon me. Still my friend, she listened to me for hours after my talk with Edward that ended our romance. I had found it easier to talk to Alice as we sat on the floor of my bedroom than to talk to Edward in the dining room of their home. I found the more I said, the more maybe she could tell Edward so that he would know I still cared for him and loved him a great deal…and I always would…and that it wasn't really anything he'd done or said that made me want Jacob. It's just the way it was. I didn't have control over it. I wanted Edward to know all these things. I prayed he might be in my trees, listening. Sometimes it's easier talking to your best girlfriend about things.
Edward led me upstairs into the mansion by my hand, not going too fast so I could easily keep up. My legs were heavy and slow, still affected by the punishment I had just endured. The t shirt felt damp on my back and I knew that Edward would take care of me as soon as the boy was back home again. I couldn't think of myself first in this case. The poor little kid was probably terrified. I was so afraid I'd find him tied up, blindfolded, and gagged.
But I was surprised when Edward unlocked the door to Carlisle's old bedroom. Inside was a little boy sitting on the bed, playing video games on the TV screen a few feet away. There was a bag of Doritos opened and nearly gone beside him and an opened coke can making a wet ring on the cherry wood night table at his side.
He was fine. Part of me was so glad that even when I thought Edward was totally gone and wickedly cruel, my sweet Edward was inside there somewhere, doing what he could to stop the monster or at least slow him down.
Edward looked at me with shame in his eyes and then turned his gaze to the little person who hardly noticed us come inside.
"Did you win Kevin?", Edward asked with a kind tone, even half smiling at the child's enthusiasm.
"YEA !", he spun his head towards us, smiling brightly and proudly at Edward, "TWICE! I'm a level 3 NOW !"
"Cool.", Edward tried to sound happy and did it pretty well, though I could see he was more in agony, thinking about what he'd just done to me and to Kevin's parents.
"I knew you could beat it.", Edward informed, sitting on the bed next to the boy.
I didn't know what to do except be there in the corner like a dumb umbrella stand.
Edward ruffled the boy's hair playfully and looked down, saying, "Kevin, pause it for a sec. I need to talk to you, 'kay?"
He obeyed and smiled up at his big friend. I knew that feeling so well, completely charmed and in the palm of Edward's hand…I wanted that feeling back again. But I knew it would never be. And that hurt worse than any whip.
Edward looked deep into the child's big blue eyes and stared for at least a minute before saying a word. The boy didn't blink…he was locked on Edward's golden irises as if helpless to pull away. Then I realized he was.
"Kevin…", Edward said softly but firmly, "You're going to go home now. You got lost playing soldiers in the woods. You lost track of time. You didn't mean to wander off out of your yard. You're very sorry."
I flashed again to Edward making me say I was sorry. I shivered against my will.
"You were never here.", he continued, "Now go."
The boy didn't say anything. He just got up and jogged out of the room like he was told to go get some candy. And that was that. He was free and it was over. I hoped.
I spoke before I knew I was doing it.
"You've had him for three days…is he hungry?", I asked, concerned.
"I had him for two hours.", Edward said with a monotone voice, purely ashamed of himself as he switched off the TV.
"Don't believe everything I tell you, Bella.", he warned, "I'm not a gentleman anymore."
I almost tried to argue that point but he stopped me.
"Let me take care of you.", he gently approached me, hardly able to look into my eyes, "Please? I know it's a lot to ask but…"
"It's alright, Edward.", I went to him and took his hand into mine. His was shivering.
"I want you to take care of me.", I said truthfully, knowing this Edward was not the guilty one who'd hurt me.
I had seen this Edward from time to time. He would appear after an especially rough time with mean Edward to clean up his mess. To beg and grovel for forgiveness, although he didn't think he deserved it. And again, Edward was with me…treating my wounds as he wept without tears. He gave me some medicine for the pain and I took it without questioning him. I trusted him, as weird as that may sound.
Edward brought me to his bedroom and tucked me into his bed. As I laid there, looking up at him, I noticed his hand nearly brushed a lock of hair from my eyes. But then he stopped himself, not thinking himself worthy enough to touch me that way anymore.
That hurt me. And I know it's not right, feeling that. This is the one who killed my father, my Jacob…all the Cullens…or maybe I'm the one who did that. I played with an immortal's mind and heart…I was playing with fire. I deserve to get burned…but I never thought others I loved would pay for my sins.
"Edward?", I called as he was about to turn away and leave me.
"Yes?", he kept his eyes downcast, as if a servant of mine.
My voice cracked and broke all the way though it but I found myself asking, "Would you stay with me…please?"
His eyes looked up and found mine as if I was insane to ask it. The little frown painted across his face did not please me, even though it should have.
He shook his head, almost to himself and hesitated…"Why?", he began and stopped, "What I did…"
"What you did wasn't YOU.", I pointed out without thinking about it, adding softly, "I know that."
He didn't move. I wanted to comfort him somehow, to make him see that I still cared for this part of him, the sick part that I was responsible for. I didn't know if I was doing something good or making it worse, but I asked in a whisper, "Sing to me?"
At this, he let out a pained breath and looked away, wondering how I could still ask this, how I could still want this from him. I didn't know either, I just knew I needed it to keep me sane. He is all I have left. I don't get this Edward back very often. I wanted to remember those sweet times…even if they were gone forever. I needed him to be tender with me…to strengthen me so I could handle the monster coming back later.
Without a word, he finally made his way over to the bed. As if it were made of acid, he just sat on the edge, clearing his throat nervously. I never knew vampires could clear their throat, but maybe it was just the fear clogging things up there. I closed my eyes and tried to relax, waiting.
He began to hum a melody…I didn't recognize it right away…it wasn't my lullaby.
Then his voice sang in a slow, haunting lyric…I got chills.
"You made me…love you…", he sang low in his voice, "I didn't want to do it…I didn't want to do it… "
"You made me love you…and all the time you knew it…I guess you always knew it."
I opened my eyes and saw he was rocking a little bit, staring at the floor, his fists clenched tight. Uh oh. This wasn't good.
"Edward…stay with me…please…", I whispered, afraid.
"You made me happy sometimes…you made me glad…. " he ignored me, "And there were times, dear, you made me feel so bad."
Oh no. Think, Bella, think.
"Ow!", I blurted out, holding my side, trying anything to snap him out of it.
He did, thankfully, perk right up and stop rocking and singing.
"What's wrong?", he rushed to my side, on his knees beside me in the bed. So concerned…so fragile.
"Cramp.", I lied.
He moved his fingers under the sheets and rubbed the fake area of my cramp on top of my shirt. I pretended it was in my rib area.
I was stupid, I was about to push my luck…but I had to try. I tried every time sweet Edward appeared.
"Edward?", I asked timidly, watching his face as he stared at my cramped area.
"Bella?", he responded with no anger at all.
"Can I ask this time?", I almost breathed the words.
His eyes darted up to mine in fear. He shrank back away from me but I didn't let him go far. I grabbed his hand.
"Please Edward?", I felt tears come to my eyes, "Please just tell me if Charlie's alive. I won't ask where he is or anything, just tell me that much, say yes or no."
"I don't know anything about that, Bella, I told you!", he pleaded, looking more tormented than before.
"Please, Edward, don't be afraid.", I assured him, rubbing his hand, "I won't tell him you said anything…I won't hate you, I swear!"
"STOP!", he roared and stood up, pulling away, clutching at his hair as he half paced beside the bed.
I felt the tears escape down my face and my voice was going all on its own.
"I know he can't be alive…", I nearly sobbed, "He wouldn't stay away for this long, he wouldn't be locked up somewhere all this time."
"STOP IT !", he shouted, turning away from me.
"I just need to know, please Edward!", I begged.
"I didn't DO IT !", he roared, spinning and shoving his hand into the row of records on the shelf over his stereo. They flew across the room into the corner, loud sharp crack sounds echoing in the stillness. The covers were all intact but I knew about 100 records just bought the farm. Those were precious to Edward and I knew that. Music was the one constant throughout his life, both in human and vampire form.
"You NEVER believe me!", he cried, pacing and yanking at his hair with both hands.
Then when he noticed the stereo staring at him he yanked it out in a half second, raging, smashing it to the floor. It crashed in a startling explosion sound, tiny little pieces all over the carpet.
Lie, Bella.
"I believe you.", I tried not to sound insincere.
"You think I killed Charlie!", he accused, "You think I killed JACOB! You think I killed my WHOLE FAMILY !"
Christ, this is going to wake up Bad Edward. Shit ! Why didn't I just let him put me to bed and leave it at that?
I decided to try and stop it from happening. I was on my feet and ran towards him.
"No!", he rushed forward and lifted me into his arms, bridal style.
We were nose to nose…panting and searching for the other through our eyes.
Finally, he whispered.
"You'll cut your feet.", he said, looking down at the debris of the stereo all over the place around his shoes.
"Oh.", I retorted, "Thank you Edward."
And I kissed his cheek, my fingers moving slowly down the other side of his face. Still so beautiful…when he's in there.
He closed his eyes as if my touch gave him a pleasurable slow burn.
"Don't thank me.", he almost asked, and he placed me ever so gently back on the bed, moving the sheet and blanket over me.
I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing.
Edward sat closer to me this time, and I closed my eyes, deciding not to provoke him any further. I almost hoped he wouldn't sing this time. It brought back memories that hurt too much.
After about five minutes or so, I felt his fingers on my hair. It was almost such a soft touch that it didn't even really touch me…but I felt it. It was silent…no lullabies…no songs. I was afraid that the music was dieing inside of him along with everything else…would there be a day when this sweet Edward was gone for good? What could I do to save him?
See Chapter 5 soon !
I will be going back into their past from time to time to show Edward's descent into madness along the way…sprinkling it in little by little.
See u soon ! Thanks for reading !
