Chapter 5
When Edward and I first broke up, I was sad for him. So sad, and guilty that I didn't call Jacob for about two weeks after that horrible night in the Volvo.
Even then, we just talked on the phone for a few days. I couldn't even tell him about Edward and me then. I felt wrong and dirty, saying the words to Jacob that meant I changed my mind and wanted him now, like Edward was some old shoe I was sick of. Something in me knew Edward was always watching and listening.
One day Jacob just came to my house on his own, his face worried when I opened my door.
"Jacob.", I huffed in surprise, not thinking I was ready to SEE him in person, have the chance of him touching me.
"What are you doing here?", I still stood in the doorway and didn't move to let him come inside.
"I know, Bella.", he informed, still looking sadly at me.
"Know what ?"
"I know about Edward…and you.", he said, his eyes gazing deeply into mine, daring me to deny it.
Oh. This is why Charlie suddenly got a phone call and had to go to the library. What a phony excuse. I knew that didn't sound kosher. Charlie told him! I'd kill him !
Charlie always did favor Jacob over Edward, I think his instincts told him that something was off about Edward.
And before I had a chance to say another word, Jacob plunged in and was kissing me, his hands gently on my cheeks. I tried to push him away but my heart wouldn't allow it. I was kissing him back, crying at the same time.
After that is when thins began to happen. The next morning, when I went to drive to the food store, my windshield was smashed. Immediately, I looked around, up into the surrounding trees. I didn't see anyone.
I didn't let myself believe it was Edward who'd done it. Charlie was immediately worried and kept talking to me about fatal attraction stories. He made sure I had a mace all the time, as if that would harm Edward. Charlie called my cell phone all the time when I wasn't with him, always to make sure I was alright. I remember rolling my eyes once and almost yelling at him that I was in no danger. Edward wouldn't hurt me and I knew that. Even if he did lose control and break my windshield, I just knew it was a one time thing. He would never do that on purpose. And he would never harm a hair on my head. I knew that without question.
Jacob was angry and wanted to confront Edward but I wouldn't allow that. I kept denying it was Edward and told Jacob to stay out of it. He was my boyfriend now but Edward was my concern and if anything had to be settled there, I would handle it.
So this time Jacob stayed out of it. He didn't like that, but he didn't have a choice.
I told myself that I couldn't blame Edward for doing it, if he did. If he had seen Jacob kissing me that way, I knew he probably lashed out because he was hurting. I understood that. I forgave him. But then I told myself it wasn't him. It was some kid that got drunk and was driving by or something…someone threw a rock or was just being an asshole, maybe someone was mad at Charlie, he was Chief of Police. Maybe this was someone Charlie had arrested once.
The summer was going by slowly. Jacob and I had a lot of nice times, most of which were clouded because of my guilt over Edward. I would wonder what he was doing, if he was still in Forks, if Alice was keeping him out of trouble, keeping him from brooding too hard. I had tried to call Alice a few times but always got the voicemail. Was she mad at me? Was she going to act like I didn't exist because I hurt Edward so badly?
I wanted to go to the Cullen house and find out. But then I didn't want to go and face Edward. I was afraid it would hurt me as much as him if we saw each other again now. I selfishly wished that I didn't care about Edward anymore, that I could just shrug my shoulders and move on, and be happy with Jacob and live our lives. But I couldn't. As much as I hated to admit it, part of me would always love Edward. He was part of me. Even if I hadn't chosen him to be the one in my life.
Edward said he'd always be my friend. He said I could call whenever I needed him.
No. I just can't.
That's the first time I considered moving out of Forks. Would Edward follow me? Would it be easier for him to move on without me so nearby? I so needed Alice to tell me my future.
But still, I didn't try to contact any of the Cullens. I felt like a drug addict going through withdrawal and I loathed it.
More time passed. It was still summertime. Jacob kept bringing up the future, what September would bring. Was I going away to college? He would still be in high school. That would be an obstacle for us. Would Edward follow me to college if I went? There would be no Jacob there. I was leaning towards the idea of going to Community College. I could stay in Forks, be with Jacob, and still work at Newton's to save money to go away to college for the final two years to get my degree. By then, Jacob could come with me.
Charlie didn't love that idea, he said Jacob was great but my future came first. He didn't want me to give up my dreams to be close to Jacob. But I wouldn't be. I'd still be going to school, just here in Forks.
I wondered if Edward would go to Dartmouth like he wanted. I pictured some other girl being Edward's Biology partner and almost felt sick to my stomach. God, what is wrong with me? Why can't my heart just stay on Jacob and be happy?
A couple other strange things happened. Charlie said my insurance company informed him that my windshield repair was all paid for by a third party. They weren't allowed to give any names. I knew then it was Edward. I still didn't hold any ill will against him.
Then, one morning, I woke up to find a dark red rosebud with lush green leaves sitting on my window sill. I never closed my window. I at least left it open a crack. I never wanted Edward to find my window closed. It would mean that he was no longer welcome. And that wasn't how I felt then.
There was no note, no indication who it was from, but I knew. I wondered what a dark red rose signified. Each color had its own meaning. I went to my computer and fired it up, waiting for awhile as I peeked out my window, my eyes scanning for bronze red hair, finding nothing.
I found out that rosebuds symbolize first love and my eyes began to prick with oncoming tears I tried to hold back. Black roses meant death. I looked at it very carefully. No, it was dark but it was NOT black. I could see red in it. Maybe this meant our first love was nearly dead ? No. No matter what, our love wasn't dead. I couldn't believe that.
Then I read further and my heart pulled in my chest when I think I found the right message. Crimson red roses mean "I still love you."
My eyes closed and a silent little tear slipped out. Without opening them, I whispered my reply, hoping he was within earshot, pretty sure he was.
"Edward…I still love you, too.", I breathed sadly, "I'll always love you. Don't you know that?"
I waited to see if he would come and talk to me. But he didn't.
Then the phone calls started.
For four days, our phone rang a lot. As soon as we answered, the person would hang up.
After the first few times, Charlie would start saying, "Edward's calling again."
I got mad that every bad thing that happened was somehow being blamed on Edward. Edward was no 17 year old kid. He's 109! He's more mature than that.
During one call, Charlie said right into the receiver, "Edward, we know it's you. If this doesn't stop now, I'm coming to arrest you for harassment."
I nearly laughed. That would be something to see. No jail could hold Edward.
A week after it started, Charlie changed our phone number.
Good one, Dad, I thought, Edward is a mind reader. I wish I could tell my Dad what I knew. The fact was, simply, if Edward wanted to call, he would. Nothing could deter him. One night, I was thinking about his motivations. Maybe he wanted to talk to me and was afraid to ask.
So I called him. It had been awhile. I told myself I could handle this.
I used my cell phone and laid on my bed, playing with my stuffed lion, pretending it was Edward, my masochistic little lion cub.
On the second ring, I heard, "Bella?"
"Hi.", I nearly squeaked at how lovely his voice sounded after all this time. Two whole months.
"Hello.", he sounded happy to hear from me, "Are you alright?"
Typical Edward. My protector. Well, not anymore.
"Yea, I'm fine.", I assured him, "Just wanted to call and say hi. Is that okay?"
"Oh, absolutely.", he sounded like he was smiling but nervous, "That's perfectly…okay."
"I know you hate that word still, don't you?", I teased, "Okay."
"It's growing on me.", he sounded so pleasant, I was amazed.
Then a little pause of silence. Hmmm…awkward. I hate that.
"So…", we both started at the same time. And Edward laughed. He honest to God laughed. Maybe he was more alright than I imagined.
"You first, love.", he said, then his breath hitched, "Shit. I'm sorry Bella. It was an accident."
"No problem.", I felt my chest tighten a bit and warm up as I put my lion doll's paws over his mouth, going along with what Edward was saying.
"How's your summer going?", I asked and rolled my eyes at myself. God, it sounds like I'm talking to Newton.
"Oh, excellent.", he sounded like he was joking, "Got a nice tan, been surfing, cruising the beach for chicks…"
We both laughed then.
"Chicks?", I teased, "Wasn't that like from Happy Days?"
His laughing calmed and he sighed, "I miss you."
I stopped playing with the lion doll and felt a little pang of hurt travel down my chest into my heart. He wasn't trying to get me back or beg me to be his again, he just stated it like a fact, sadly.
"I miss you, too.", I whispered.
There was a silence. I tried to hear if he was even breathing, but there was nothing.
"Still there?", I asked.
"Always.", he replied, still sounding empty.
I began to say something but Edward spoke just before me.
"Well, maybe we could have lunch tomorrow.", he suggested with hope, "I mean, you could…I could watch you have lunch. Just as friends."
"I don't know…", I hesitated. I feared if I were to be around Edward for long he'd charm me right back into his arms again. Jacob and I had agreed that Edward and I should give each other space for awhile.
He took a breath and tried again. "You can have whatever you want, anywhere you want."
Now he sounded like he was begging almost. I hated hearing him like this.
I tried to change the subject but the question just fell out of my mouth.
"Was it you who left me that rose on my window?", I asked, already knowing it was him but wanting to see if he'd tell me the truth.
Another deep breath. "Yes it was me."
"Edward, we're supposed to try being friends.", I tried to be tough but caring at the same time, "This is really hard for me. You're trying to blur the lines."
"I'm sorry I feel the way I feel.", he said in a more clipped tone of voice.
"Are you?"
"No, I didn't mean it that way.", he struggled verbally, "I meant I'm sorry if it's hurting you. I don't want to do that."
"I have to go.", I felt like I would cry at any moment and wanted to say goodbye before I lost it.
"Wait ! Wait !", he raised his voice a bit, desperate to keep talking, "Can I read you something? It's very brief. I've been reading it over and over all day. It reminds me of you."
How could a girl deal with something like this? How could I say no and hang up?
"Alright and then I have to go.", I tried to set the boundaries firmly.
"Alright.", he agreed, then read:
"How shall I hold my soul
That it may not be touching YOURS?
How shall I lift it, then, above you,
To where other things are waiting?
Ah, gladly, would I lodge it, all forgot,
And place it with some lost thing the dark is isolating.
On some black and silent spot that
Does not tremble when your depth vibrates.
You and me…all that touches us draws us together
Like a violin that draws one voice from two strings.
On what instrument have we been strand ?
And what violinist holds us in his hand…
O…sweetest song…"
Yes, I was blubbering, my lion doll stuffed over my mouth so he wouldn't hear me.
"I have to go.", my voice was clearly weeping and he could hear it, I'm sure.
"Bella, wait.", he stopped me again, "Bella…I love you. Please…please don't do this to me…to us."
"Edward !", I almost screeched, "That is not fair ! You said –"
"Fuck what I said !", he cursed, shocking me, "I love you! I tried to live without you, I really did, but I can't! That Jacob kid is just a kid, he'll fall in love with some new girl in 6 months – my love is forever, Bella, not HIS !"
"That is horrible Edward !"
"It's TRUE !", he raised his voice again, "Bella, listen, everything I have, everything I am is yours already…it's all laying here at your feet, like me. Our love is so true, it's magic, you felt it too, didn't you ?"
"Yes, Edward, I did.", I clenched my fist in pain, "I do. First love is the strongest ever. No one ever loses their first love. But, unfortunately, first loves don't always last. Sometimes, they end."
"No Bella!", he sounded so afraid.
"It's no one's fault.", I kept soothing, "That's just the way it is."
"Not for me.", he pointed out, "You are all I ever wanted, all I'll ever want. How can you just throw me away like this?"
"I have to go.", I was ready to cry all night now.
Then…it happened. The first time I was ever truly afraid of Edward.
"DON'T you hang up on ME!", he shouted, with venom in his voice. I also heard a loud crashing sound on his end of the phone, like he crushed or threw furniture.
I was frozen, listening in shock.
"You have taken everything from me !", he yelled, "My heart, my soul, my mind, I can't even PLAY PIANO anymore ! I won't live like this, sitting around all day, reading poetry and thinking of you every second, every month, every year ! I WON'T !"
"Edward, you're scaring me.", I said quietly, hiding my terror.
"Well you're KILLING me !", he spat back.
"I'm sorry you feel that way.", I shivered, hoping my real sorrow could be heard by him, "But I love Jacob. That hasn't changed."
"Bella—"
"No, Edward, don't, please.", I begged, wiping tears off the right side of my face,"I have to go."
I pressed END before Edward could utter another syllable.
Shaking, I found my feet traveling downstairs and before I knew it, my Dad was holding me, and I was crying, quivering, and he was comforting me, asking me what happened.
I was so afraid Edward would crash through my window, I knew Charlie couldn't have saved me from that, but still I felt safe in my father's arms. I couldn't speak, I just cried and clung to him. Something about the way Edward's voice had been…chilled my blood. I never saw that side of him turned against ME. I saw it when he fought James, though. He was enraged.
The scary question now was…what would he do now?
My eyes darted open and I remembered where I was. In Edward's bed. It was so comfortable and cool here where I laid and I nearly jumped when I saw Edward was sitting right beside me, smiling down upon me like a gorgeous angel.
I waited to see which Edward was with me now. Should I say something?
"Good morning, my love.", he cooed, his hands in his own lap as he admired me with his eyes. It was still the Edward I loved. I just felt it.
"You're still here.", I began to sit up. This was strange for this Edward to be here with me this long. It gave me a little hope.
"Yes, I'm still here.", he assured me, his hand about to reach out to touch my cheek with the backs of his fingers, but then he withdrew it right away, as if he did something bad, looking down at his naughty fingers…(oooooh, naughty ! lol sorry)
"I'm glad.", I said softly, touching his arm for a moment.
For that, I got a little smile from him…that adorable crooked one I fell for.
"I made you breakfast, if you're hungry.", he said with a low voice, looking down again at his fingers, "And then, if you like…"
He stopped and I was curious now.
"What, Edward?" I gave him a grin to continue.
"I know you didn't get a chance to…say goodbye…to Jacob.", he looked so ashamed, glancing quickly at my eyes, then down again, his brow furrowing in pain, "If you like, I can take you there. There's no headstone yet but…he is there."
Tears flooded my eyes so fast I couldn't make Edward out anymore. It had hurt that I wasn't able to go to the real funeral, I had only been at the viewing for 20 minutes before Edward called.
"I don't think Billy can afford a big headstone…", I mumbled incoherently.
"It's been taken care of already.", Edward said, "He will have the largest and most decadent headstone in the place. It should be there in two days."
Tears fell at his admission and then I got a clear view of his face.
I was touched…but at the same time, Edward WAS the one who killed Jacob. Did I want his headstone bought by the man who murdered him? Then I had to remind myself that the man who killed Jacob…was not the Edward I was looking at right now. I would save my hate for that Edward when he appeared.
I rubbed my eyes hard and ran my hands through my hair.
"I would like to go.", I gave a sad smile to Edward and he looked a little tiny bit more at ease…but not much.
Edward offered me his open hand and I placed mine inside. He helped me up and he led me downstairs towards the kitchen. I just hoped that mean Edward didn't come back before I got the chance to say my goodbyes to the man I loved.
See next chapter soon !
Love WinndSinger
