Chapter 10
Edward stayed with me at my house after I nearly starved. He wanted to make sure I was alright and could be trusted not to hurt myself again. He was so angry with me that I could want to hurt myself. He made me feel guilty, saying that I had to stay strong for Charlie. He could be found, Edward said, or come home and find out that I killed myself. Then he asked how I could do this to HIM…he waited over 100 years for me…and I was cruel to take that away and leave him in an empty eternal life now.
By the end of that talk, I was sobbing and apologizing. He sure knew how to press my buttons and get his way.
There were a couple of days in the start of that week where I knew I was still with mean Edward…but he was being kind, in his way…and patient. There was a hint of the Edward I used to know in there, as long as I was obeying him things were fine.
He didn't force feed me again, he didn't have to. I showered, dressed and cleaned the house. I went to class and Edward would surprise me with presents when I came home. I didn't protest the gifts with this Edward, I was afraid to. He made me wonderful dinners while I studied at the table. He made me gourmet lunches and packed it for me before I woke up in the morning.
Then, after dinner, he would tutor me and, like a brilliant teacher, he would explain things to me and show me where I had gone wrong. I felt something in me loving this Edward and that scared me. Charlie had told me all about Stockholm Syndrome and I knew that was happening to me. I found myself attracted to Edward all the time, like I used to be before Jacob. I looked for signs of sweet, sick Edward. But he never showed up. I was hurt about that. Didn't he care enough to come and save me? Was it his fault? Maybe he was trapped like I was…am.
Every phone call was my cue to run and grab it fast. I kept thinking maybe Charlie would be found or try to contact me. My mind was starting to believe Edward that he didn't take Charlie away.
The third day that Edward was staying with me the phone rang. We didn't have caller ID so I did as usual and ran to it, grabbing it up off the hook and anxiously saying, "Dad?"
Edward grinned at me, as if I were cute, while he washed the pan he had used in making dinner earlier.
"No, Bella, it's Jake.", he said, sounding a bit sad.
My eyes went to the back of Edward's head, his lovely hair brushed towards each other's side and meeting down into a sharp point at the back of his ivory neck, a perfect black birthmark in the valley of white. He made no movement that alerted me he was paying attention…he kept washing the pan.
"Hi Sue.", I said cheerfully, wondering if his vampire hearing included phones. I was taking a big chance here and I knew it. But I wanted to protect Jake.
There was a pause. Jacob was no fool.
"You're not alone.", he said as a fact, "Who's there with you?"
"No we haven't heard anything from Charlie yet.", I pretended to turn a little but I watched Edward like a hawk from the corner of my eye, "Edward's been taking good care of me in his place, though."
Edward kept washing the pan, no change in attitude at all. He placed it into the rack beside the sink, and started with his sponge on one of the dinner plates now.
Jake gasped. "EDWARD?" he shouted and I winced, clenching a fist around the phone cord.
"I'm coming there now.", he growled.
"NO!", I shouted and Edward turned to me, his brow furrowed as he washed.
I smiled at him and he returned my smile. I calmed down and said, "No, Sue, don't come over. Everything is fine here. I'm not feeling that well, anyway."
"Screw THAT, Bella!", he answered, not quieting down, "I'm coming to get you! Did he hurt you?"
"No, Sue, everything is fine I said.", I said through gritted teeth, "I don't want any company tonight."
Take a hint, Jake !
This tone I had was ruder than I would've spoken to the real Sue. I was sure Edward knew who I was talking to and I was about to get mine.
Jacob let out a frustrated breath, unsure of what to do for me now.
"If you want me to come get you, ", Jake offered one last time, "Say 'you're so funny, Sue.'"
"No.", I heard myself saying with a serious tone, "I haven't heard from Jacob lately and I don't want to."
"Bella…", he sounded helpless and scared for me. It was a quiet but heartbreaking sound.
"He's better off without me anyway.", I said with a sad voice, meaning it. I looked up and saw Edward staring back at me, silent but very serious also. He almost looked sorry for me.
I broke out of my drama and straightened up. "I have to go, Sue."
"No, Bella, wait !", he pleaded.
"Bye.", I said and hung up as if the phone was starting to burn me.
I took a deep breath and looked at Edward again. He turned back to his sink and picked up another dish.
"Sue Clearwater?", he asked calmly as I sat back at the table, picking up my pencil and staring at my notebook.
"Yea.", I sounded light, "She is worried about Charlie."
I just pushed the tip of my pencil up and down in the side margin of the page, unable to concentrate on homework now.
"Sounded like it.", he had his back to me, "She wanted to come over?"
"Uh…yea.", I felt my leg shaking and held it down to freeze it in place, "But I'm not in the mood."
"Me either.", he admitted, his back still to me, "Besides, we have a lot of work to do."
A lot of work? I thought I was almost all caught up now.
"I thought we just had the two chapters left to go over…", I turned some pages in my textbook.
I heard a crash in the sink and my eyes darted up to Edward's back. His fists were at the edge of the sink and his back was hunched over a bit, his head down.
"Why do you lie to me, Bella?", his voice was upset, not angry…yet.
I didn't say anything. I knew I was dead.
He spun around, not moving from the sink, his eyes filled with hurt.
"Haven't I taken care of you?", he asked, "Haven't I been nice to you?"
"Yes!", I said with a raised voice, "I just answered the phone! I thought it might be Charlie!"
"I thought that, too.", he looked at the phone, "But now I know you're a fraud! You don't care if Charlie's calling, you're waiting for HIM to call you ! Some DAUGHTER YOU ARE !"
Tears came to my eyes. I flew to my feet, ready to defend myself, verbally.
"That is NOT TRUE !", I yelled, clutching my pencil, "I am worried SICK about CHARLIE ! I haven't even THOUGHT about HIM !"
"How can I believe anything you say?", he narrowed his eyes, then mocked my girlie voice, "Oh, hi SUE !"
He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, "You really take me for a fool, don't you Bella?"
"NO EDWARD !", I felt tears pooling more in my eyes, "It's not like that ! You've been so good to me, it's almost like it was when we first met! I'm not trying to fool you !"
"Then explain that phone call.", he flexed his jaw, trying to control his temper. His eyes burned into me, accusingly.
"I told him not to come over.", I defended, "I told him I don't want to hear from him. What more do you WANT?"
"Honesty.", he sneered, "All I ever wanted from you was honesty. You just betray me over and over again. I don't know why you do it, but you make me believe you care for me again and again…and then you kill me all over again."
"That's NOT true!", I felt the tears on my face now, and he turned away from me, staring into the sink full of soapy water.
I came over to him, putting my arms around him from behind. My cheek touched his sleeve as I breathed the words.
"I love you, Edward.", I said, meaning that in ways I couldn't even explain.
"Shut your lying mouth !", he yanked away from my loving touch and in half seconds, he had me by the hair, so close to the scalp, and shoved my face into the soap water, holding it there.
I hadn't been ready for that, my mouth was open, about to speak when he did that. I had water in my mouth, and as I tried to exhale I inhaled right after and water went down my throat. My hands wildly tried to push against the edges of the sink and my body and legs struggled in vein.
I could hear Edward's voice shouting, and all I could make out of it was "I HATE LOVING YOU !"
Then I was choking on air, spitting up water, half my wet hair covering my eyes and face as I gasped and gagged. I felt bubbles erupting all around me as air came out.
I was out of the water and I heard Edward's voice growling in pain, and he brought my face to his lips, kissing the water on my cheek and nose…passionately.
I coughed, half opening my eyes, vision blurry…the soap stung my eyes as I hissed out loud, clenching them tight again, the burn so fucking intense.
My hands wanted to rub them but it was impossible. I was clinging to Edward's arms, my legs trying to push off the kitchen cabinets under the sink.
"Why?", he cried without tears, pressing his closed eyes into my cheek, "Why do you make me DO THIS ? Why DO YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME ?"
The anger and rage was back in a second, where before there was pain.
And my head was back in the water again, his voice screaming at me, words I couldn't hear at all this time, my entire head was submerged now. My body was half over the sink and I kicked my feet, trying to find the floor. I only swung at the air, though. My hands were in the sink, pushing against the bottom, feeling dishes…forks…I was trying to hold my breath this time, not letting water in…I was splashing water violently, begging in my brain for him to let me breathe. It seemed like I was under forever this time.
Now and then I would turn my head and one of my ears would hear his words.
"Should LET YOU DIE !", I heard him say with venom.
And again…I was out. Gasping and coughing as he sat me up on the edge of the sink, he was tearing at my shirt. I was so anxious to breathe, I didn't pay attention right away.
His mouth and teeth were on the hollow of my neck, at the bottom of it while I felt water erupt out of my mouth. The taste of soap was there and my eyes were afraid to open again in the fear of more burning pain.
I felt my breasts, wet from the water and knew he had torn my shirt open. I was wearing no bra as I was dressed for bed at the time.
"You're mine…", Edward sounded as if he were weeping again, his voice small, "You said you were mine always…"
I felt a sob come up out of me as his mouth practically inhaled my right breast.
I screamed out loud and he took a firm bite there…and I screamed again, wondering if he broke the skin. One thing I was certain of now was that I DID NOT WANT TO BECOME A VAMPIRE. Sure, I would be stronger and maybe I could get away from him. But that meant never being able to have Jacob, never having children…never able to die and escape him.
Those things had become important to me once I chose Jacob, once I had grown up a little bit. I remember telling Edward I didn't care about all that human stuff he wanted me to have…but the truth is…now…I wanted all those things.
I almost said, 'Teeth, EDWARD!' But I stopped myself. What if he turned me in spite of myself? Just to prove he could?
"Ughhh…", he growled, low and deep, "You fucking WITCH! Why don't you just LET ME GO ?"
I cried, hating this. I wish I were a witch that could release my hold on him with some magic words. I never knew why he loved me so much and I still don't. But even twisted Edward adores me, in his sick way.
He pressed his nose to my wet stomach, inhaling and shuddering all over. I whimpered, waiting for his attack. I just knew I'd feel teeth slicing into me any moment now.
"Don't…don't…", he squeaked, talking to himself…"Shhhh….shhhh…."
I didn't know what was happening here but I was so afraid. I did think of grabbing a fork or knife from the sudsy water and trying to stick it into him, just to buy me a few seconds to run. But Edward wouldn't get hurt by that. The knife would splinter upon impact and he would only get more angry at me.
I couldn't tell if Good Edward was trying to come back. I just panted and waited, afraid to move a muscle.
Then, he was grabbing me by my hair and yanked me off the sink edge, making me scramble after him as he dragged me to the hall closet where we kept coats and the vacuum cleaner. He opened the door with force and threw me inside, slamming it and almost taking off a toe as I screamed. There was so little room in here I was sitting on the floor, curled into a tight fetal like position.
This door had no lock but I heard a thud against the door, something propped up against it I was certain.
I heard him panting, pacing up and down the hallway outside the door. I shivered harder, trying to cover my mouth with my hands, my wet hair dripping over my face. What was he going to do with me? It sounded like he was trying to decide my fate.
"Not killing her…", he whispered to himself, sounding more and more insane with each pace, "No, not killing her…to kill her is to kill me. Can't kill her. Too beautiful. Too powerful."
I closed my eyes, quietly sobbing as he kept going.
"Can't change her.", he said, "Not yet. If she's a lying bitch now, she'll be a lying bitch forever, frozen in time. Like Rosalie. God, no! Have to wait until she's pure…until she's mine alone! Have to make her forget. Have to make her remember."
"How…how?", he asked himself, trying to figure things out as he paced faster.
"Time…", he answered himself, "Time. I have all the time in the world. I will make her mine again. Make her see."
"Yes.", he replied, sounding happier, "Yes. She will remember. She will."
"You know your problem…", he pointed out with a new attitude, "That Black kid!"
"I know.", he said to himself.
"You know what you have to do.", he whispered with a new darkness that made me cry harder, hardly able to silence myself.
"Not yet.", his voice said calmly, "She thinks she loves him. She'll hate us. She'll ALWAYS hate us."
"Alright.", he said after a long pause. Then he said, "She is very sick. Very sick. She needs help."
"I'll help her.", he said sweetly, with a noble voice, "I'll always help her."
The pacing slowed down and I held my breath. He slowly paced for hours. It was dark now but I had the little slit of light from under the closet door. I stayed quiet, hoping he was calming down.
I nearly fell asleep in my little ball when I heard something being moved away from the door. I tightened, staring at the door handle as it turned. The door opened and there was Edward, looking more beautiful than before. His ivory skin and dark red lips…his eyes…why did they always do me in ?
"Come, Bella.", he stepped back, coaxing me to come out with the voice of an angel, as if he were talking to a doe, "Come out, sweetheart. It's alright."
Now I was more afraid.
He moved backwards, giving me space. He squatted down so he could see my eyes. He smiled, that crooked smile. My weakness.
"I'm so sorry, Bella.", he almost sang the words with his hypnotizing voice, "It's all my fault and I'm sorry. Please…come to me."
He opened his arms. This is not the good Edward and I knew it. But maybe the "bad" Edward had some good in him, as misguided as it was. I started to move, my body sore.
"That's right, honey.", he cooed, "Keep coming. Don't be afraid."
He waited, his arms still open to me. I remembered my open t shirt that still hung on my body and I tried to hold it closed with one hand, crawling out with the other.
"That's a good girl.", he purred as I crawled out of the closet, towards him.
"Yesss….", he smiled as I let myself come into his arms. I was on my knees and so was he as he enveloped me in his strong embrace. He wasn't hurting me, he was really hugging me with love, rocking me gently.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie.", he said with a calm and loving tone, his hand petted my hair and he kissed my temple, "I love you so much. You know I don't mean to hurt you."
I started crying, against my will. I really felt that he meant this and it hurt to know it wasn't real. But then, I wanted to believe it.
"I'm sorry…I'm sorry…", he kept saying, holding me close, "Shhhh….I know, I was bad. I'm an asshole, I know it. I don't deserve you, my sweet little girl. I swear I'll never hurt you again. I promise."
I panted, feeling something…I actually felt comforted…and good. What the hell?
He kissed me gently, all over my face as my breathing calmed.
This went on and on until I wasn't crying anymore. I didn't even feel afraid anymore. Was this some new power he had? Or an old one he never used before? Or was it just me, turning as sick as he is?
"I love you, Bella.", he kissed my nose, "I'll always love you. Do you love me?"
He looked into my eyes and I felt myself nodding.
"Yes.", I breathed, my brain out to lunch.
"Say it, Bella, please?" he looked so fragile.
"I love you Edward.", I even smiled !
His smile grew like the Grinch's, spreading out all over his flawless face. He closed his eyes, as if so relieved…and thankful.
"I'm going to get you a new shirt.", he said so softly, as if I were three years old, placing a kiss on my forehead, "And then we can get back to our homework. Yes?"
"Yes.", I nodded enthusiastically, meaning it, as if nothing happened earlier.
He almost DROWNED me ! But I felt myself wanting him, needing him. Loving his approval and sweetness. Loving him.
"Good girl.", he lifted my chin up with his finger and placed a beautiful kiss on my lips. It was so full of love and no lust at all. I felt loved.
He dressed me in the new t shirt and threw away the ripped one. And we just went back to things like before. Edward started cleaning up the watery mess while I went back to doing my homework.
Once in awhile, I would ask him a question about something I didn't understand and he answered me with no bitterness, cleaning while he spoke, helping me to understand but not treating me like I was stupid. He encouraged me, telling me I was so smart. I remember feeling happy, as if everything would be alright.
I told myself it's good Jake called and this happened. Maybe we needed this to get past it. I told myself a lot of stupid things. I promised myself I wouldn't lie to him anymore and I told him so. That made him very happy and if he were human, I think he'd have gotten misty eyed when I said that to him.
It was when he took me to bed that night. He didn't try anything sexual and that relaxed me. He just stroked me, innocently as I laid there and he beside me, outside the quilt so he wouldn't make me feel cold.
His voice cracked with emotion when I said, "I'm sorry I lied to you, Edward. I'll never do that again. You don't deserve that."
After a long moment of silence, Edward spoke with a coarse voice.
"Thank you, Bella.", he was full of joy and looked choked up.
I closed my eyes, only for a moment, because I felt cheated at not being able to see the enchanting angel that loved me.
He smiled down at me like I was a kitten.
"You can tell me anything, you know.", he moved his icy finger over the edge of my bottom lip, "I'll understand. But lies…"
I frowned, seeing his face turn to sadness.
I stroked his hand that was touching me, wishing I could make him smile again.
"Lies hurt me so.", he shared quietly, looking away, "They mean you don't trust me. And how can we love each other without trust?"
I whimpered and he looked at me.
"I'm so sorry.", I wept, "I do trust you. I do ! I was just scared."
"Of me?", he looked more pained now, his finger dancing along my jaw.
"I don't know.", I breathed out, "I'm so confused. I don't know who to trust anymore."
"I know.", he looked at me with concern, "You've been through a lot, and losing your father…You need me now, more than ever. I know. I won't abandon you. I'll stay with you, always. I'll take care of you. You'll be fine. Better than fine."
And I believed that.
"I love you, Edward.", I sighed in contentment, holding his hand in mine.
"I love YOU, sweet Bella.", he replied absolutely, kissing my knuckles.
"Go to sleep now.", he glided his fingers over my eyes and I closed them with a smile on my lips.
I curled into him, on my side and snuggled. He let out a little chuckle, enjoying that and began to hum my lullaby to me.
I was in the grave hole, starving. The sun was getting lower, I could tell by the deep orange shades glowing into my prison. I was holding a worm in my hand, a long crimson colored one. Once I got used to holding it, it wasn't so bad. It was like a gummy worm, a candy I used to love.
Should I bite it in half or put the whole thing in my mouth? Biting it was horrifying to me. I opened my mouth and put my palm to it, letting the worm fall inside.
It wriggled a little but not violently so. I almost gagged but then I inhaled and accidentally swallowed it down.
I choked and coughed a little but the worm did not come back up. I didn't feel any different. I knew a little worm wouldn't fill my stomach. But I had gotten past the first hurdle. I ate it. I spent the next hour or so digging in the dirt for more worms. I placed them on the tarp, in a row. It would be dark soon and I wouldn't be able to search for them then.
Earlier, I had wrung out my wet shirt, I was still damp but I wasn't soaked like before.
Once in awhile, during the day, I had simply called out.
"Edward?", I called, "Are you out there?"
"I just want to know if you're close!", I hollered later on, "I'm not asking to come out or anything!"
I whimpered at the silence and the whipping wind laughing at me from above.
One thing is for sure: It sucks to be dead.
I kept thinking about the past…about Edward…about Jacob.
"You will give yourself to me.", Edward's voice stated like a fact.
I was okay with not talking about Jake. I could think of him, dream of him, talk to him in my heart.
I was even alright with not coming back here again. After these last two days, I don't think I could return here without having a fit.
But finally letting Edward have me….sexually. I had put Jacob through so much before he died, had hurt him. I felt like this would be the ultimate betrayal to Jacob. But Edward had waited for me to make the choice to make love to him. It had been awhile. Maybe, I told myself, if I gave myself to him, willingly, it wouldn't be painful. I didn't want to wait for bad Edward to snap and take me by force. And part of me did truly love Edward, the good part of him that was still in there.
Did I really have any choice in this ? If I said no to Edward, would he really bury me completely? I panicked, thinking of it. And how I felt like I'd have a heart attack before when he began to fill the hole.
By the time it was getting dark, I decided I would have to say yes to Edward.
And with the night approaching, I started to feel weak again. Scared. I barely made it through last night…and now another night was coming for me.
I started to try and climb out again, hoping the mud had hardened a bit during the sunny day. There were a few roots poking out of the mud walls and I tried to grab onto them, to use them like handles to lift myself up.
A couple of them were strong, but when all my weight was hanging from them, they broke and sent me falling on my ass with a screech.
I was pouring out profanities I'd never used before and pictured Edward laughing at me from his car, maybe reading a book while he waited for me to go insane.
And as mad as I felt, I also felt a little aroused. A beautiful captor enjoying my misery…waiting for me to give in and consent my body to his mercy.
A wicked angel. A dark love.
"Edward, please, not again!", I begged, clawing at the messy mud wall, "I can't stand another night in here, please !"
I cried like a baby, hoping he would have some mercy on me. I decided to try anything to get my freedom.
"Edward, I love you !", I sobbed, "Please…love me! I wanna go HOME! I wanna go home…you're my home!"
The sun just left a tiny sliver of light now in the hole. In minutes, it would be gone and I'd be in the dark alone.
"If you love me, Edward…", I shouted, tears pouring out of me, "Please save me! You said you would never hurt me again – PLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE !"
"Oh God!", I screamed, "It's getting dark! NO!"
I imagined him smiling to himself, listening…sighing and turning his page.
"UUUGGHHHH!", I leapt up, digging into the watery muck once more and falling on my back again. Everything was dizzy as I landed with a thud and I felt the exhaustion and lack of sleep kicking in….I couldn't get up and I didn't want to. I wanted to sleep. My mind wanted to shut off and take me out of this evil place, my brain wanted me to relax before it broke completely.
But as much as I wanted to close my eyes…I fought it. I called on all my strength, which wasn't much, and made my body stand up.
And I went back to begging.
"Edward!", I shrieked, "I admit it, I'm AFRAID! I want to get out, PLEASE! I don't want to be dead! I want to be with YOU ! I SWEAR ! I SWEAR !"
I was losing my mind…losing control of myself. I was betraying Jake by saying everything I said…I'm sure Jake didn't beg this way while Edward murdered him. But I didn't have any dignity left. I would say anything I had to say to get out, to get kindness, to get sleep and food. Even if it came from Edward.
I'm kidding myself, I said in my brain. I will never be free of Edward. I should just accept it and stop fighting. It's not like Edward was so bad to be around. When I listened, when I behaved, he was very nice to me. He would give me anything.
I would be his. I would behave. I would give myself to him.
"I want you, Edward, " I whimpered, looking up but seeing nothing…it was pure black again, I felt blind. If the walls caved in, I wouldn't even see them, just feel them as I suffocated. Would Edward hear that? Would he save me then?
"Please, I NEED YOU!", I groveled, panting harder, almost losing control of my breathing.
"Please don't let ME DIE HERE ALONE !", I screamed, tears never stopping.
"In the dark…", I sobbed…"I want to be with YOU! Please, I'm SORRY ! I love you, I love you, I love you !"
More blubbering came out of me. Wordless sounds I couldn't believe were coming from me echoed up into the empty air.
I was on my knees, touching the mud in front of me, close to the area Edward had stood earlier that morning in all his magnificence. What a sight that was…him…there…even if he was mean to me I wouldn't care…I just wanted him - NOW !
Anguished groans came out of me, and I sounded in pain, not only scared. Maybe I was in pain but my fear was greater.
"I promise to be good!", I begged, "I'll be a good girl…your good girl! Oh, please…God, please !"
I suddenly got a flash of good Edward, surely restrained somewhere deep inside of Edward's mind. I pictured him naked, bound with chains, and gagged with several thick chains around his head, padlocked in the back of his hair. He was screaming as much as he could, thrashing…wanting to help me, listening to me scream over and over again.
Then Bad Edward was walking up to him as he writhed on the hard concrete floor. Sweet, bound Edward's eyes looked up at his with pure rage and defiance.
"Crying like the BITCH you are, huh?", Bad Edward sneered, "She has an important lesson to learn and she will learn it. You have to be strict with children sometimes."
Then he struck bound Edward with a whip of chains, several long links of chain pounded over Edward's back as he growled out hard and ragged.
"You've spoiled her.", Bad Edward accused while good Edward panted in agony.
"Why do I always have to be the BAD GUY?"
And Edward screamed out again, feeling the crushing blow of the chain whip as it fell down across his cheek this time.
None of that was real, it was my take on what was happening in Edward's mind…but I knew I was right.
"Edward…", I was hardly audible…crying for him now instead of me. I slid onto my butt on the ground, leaning against the wall as I prayed for my Edward.
See next chapter soon !
Love Winnd
