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Exams. Suck. :P
There had been a big announcement just now at lunch. One that surprised everyone including Draco. Most were pleased, though, and everyone was talking in excited voices.
The Hogsmeade visit was to be held the very next day. The reason that the announcement had been made this late was security, and as an extra safety measure, nobody would be allowed to send out owls until after everyone was safely back. And there would, of course, be an obscene amount of Aurors present.
Draco frowned and looked around. Theo and Hermione had both obviously known. Neither had seen it fit to tell Draco. He didn't know if the Patil girl knew, but he assumed she didn't. He rather hoped she didn't.
Why couldn't he have been trusted? Hadn't he been Theo's friend as well as his deputy? Did they honestly still think he'd do anything to harm anyone? Did they still consider him a threat? Did she still consider him a threat? He glanced at Hermione.
Hogsmeade weekend had never seemed less fun.
"Why won't you do anything to get your little Muggleborn? You're practically obsessed with her!"
"Shh!" Draco glanced nervously at Professor Flitwick.
Blaise wasn't the least discouraged. "No, not until you give me an answer I can use."
"It's none of your business," Draco hissed. "Just leave me—"
"Mr. Malfoy! Less talk. Perhaps you could benefit from taking some notes, hmm?" Professor Flitwick sent Draco a meaningful glance and Draco flushed and shot Blaise a murderous look. Blaise, of course, was innocence personified.
"You have nothing to lose," Blaise continued, as soon as Flitwick's back was turned. "The worst that can happen is that you don't make any progress, and you're already not doing that."
Draco pressed his lips together and considered spearing Blaise's hand with his quill. He could call it an accident. It was sure to happen all the time.
"You're running out of time, Draco. In two days you're going to have a more difficult time getting close to her. It would be best if you could lay a foundation before that. You know, at least make her curious."
"Why are you so insistent?"
"Mr. Malfoy!"
Draco winced. "Sorry," he mumbled.
Blaise was smirking ever so slightly, and Draco considered whether he could jam his quill into his eye socket instead… and maybe still call it an accident.
"I'm living vicariously through you, mate. Thought you realized that by now," Blaise murmured.
Draco didn't reply.
"Look, Draco," Blaise implored. "I understand that it's not very nice to be rejected. It's not like I haven't tried it. But you have to see it from her point of view. She doesn't know what a lovesick puppy you really are."
Draco glared at Blaise, wondering if a quill in his eye and boils all over his body could still be called an accident.
"She only sees what you present to her, and my guess is that you don't want her to know what's going on and are overcompensating and thereby shooting yourself in the foot."
"Would you bloody stop trying to analyze me?" Draco growled.
"Mr. Malfoy! Five points from Slytherin, and if you cannot remain quiet, you will have to change seats."
"I should probably tell you," Blaise said with a grin, "that I put a nice little charm up so the good professor can't hear me. Perhaps I should have included you in it…"
Draco scowled and raised his hand. "Sir? Sir? I would rather like to change seats if it's ok with you, Professor."
Since classes had ended, Draco had been very quiet, almost lost in thought. Hermione glanced at him and frowned. He hadn't even complained when she wasn't ready to leave the second class ended! She had expected moodiness and questions – at least once they'd reached his room. After all, she had seen the way he had glared at her at lunch and she assumed that he didn't like not being in on all the secrets. Right now, however, he was just contemplating something in silence, seemingly not paying any attention to her at all.
"Aren't you going to ask me why we didn't tell you?" she prodded, ever the little suicide candidate.
"Hm?" Draco absent-mindedly turned towards her.
"Why we didn't tell you," she repeated.
"I'm a menace to society, of course you didn't tell me."
"You're such a prat sometimes, you know that?"
He smiled without humor. "That's what you like about me, I'm sure."
"You wish," she grumbled.
"I wish for a lot of things," he agreed. "I used to get what I wished for a lot more often than I do these days."
"Buck up, they say it builds character!" she cheerfully informed him.
His humorless smile turned into a smirk. "You saying I need more character?"
"You know what I mean," she muttered, scowling. What was with him today?
"You mean that I should be more like your lackluster friends," he pensively said.
She stiffened and raised her chin at him. "You'll never be like them. They have a sense of honor that you could never even dream of possessing."
"A person can dream of possessing many things," he replied. "But if you say I'm doomed to failure, why should I even try?"
"Why are you asking me this?" She was confused. "Why do you act as if my answer will make a difference?"
"Because it will," he calmly stated.
She crossed her arms. "In what way? Will you get worse just to spite me just because you can't bear that I might think you'd be improving?"
"You'd have to find out, wouldn't you?"
She rolled her eyes. "Of course I want you to better yourself! If everybody were a better person and nobody were… well…" She made a very telling gesture at him. "Then this world would be a much better place!"
"You're really not giving me much of a chance here, Granger," he quietly said. "I'm trying, but you almost act as if you don't want me to. What am I supposed to think?"
"Why does it matter how I act?" she demanded.
"Because I want something from you," he said so softly that she wasn't completely sure that she had heard him right.
"What?" she asked, frowning.
"Would you…" he hesitated and then swallowed. "Would you consider perhaps making a deal with me?"
"What kind of deal?" she asked.
He winced slightly. "Hopefully one that you won't find too bad," he muttered.
"What is it you want?" she tried again. Really, he wasn't being too forthcoming about this.
He hesitated again, staring at the floor and coloring slightly. "I thought… I mean… I know you don't understand, but…" He was avoiding looking at her and his voice faded into a mumble.
She remained silent, hoping that he'd eventually get to the point.
"I would like… I-I want to propose a deal where you kiss me," he finally muttered.
"WHAT?" Hermione stared at him as if he'd grown an extra head.
Draco felt his blush deepen and his chest constrict. "I'd make it worth your while," he mumbled barely audibly. "I know you don't want it but… I'd make it worth it to you. I promise."
"No," she said, emphatically shaking her head. "No way!"
His heart sank. "You didn't even hear me out," he said very quietly.
Draco, you idiot! You knew she wasn't going to consider it. Why did you bring it up? She would rather snog a toad than peck you on the cheek. Do you actually enjoy rejection?
"I don't need to!" she said, still shaking her head and edging away from him as if he'd suddenly jump her.
There was a lump forming in his throat. "I see," he said. "It's funny, because I knew you'd react this way and still I tried. Isn't that the definition of insanity or something?" He turned his back on her so she wouldn't notice just how stricken he was.
His want was beyond pathetic. Since when had she given him any reason to think that she might welcome any advances from him? Since when was she even remotely nice to him? She hadn't and she wasn't… Ok, she had been rather nice just yesterday, and maybe that was the reason for this insane idea that she might actually consider saying yes if he only compensated her enough. But, no matter how much she rejected him, he was still drawn to her and it was so hard to not just… try. He could feel her now as he always could; she was a bit wary of him right now, actually. And she was freaked out about the whole situation. It wasn't flattering at all. Yet, so often he felt warmth in her… kindness, gentleness… a very pure sense of good. It just wasn't directed at him, not ever. He had messed up too badly.
'She doesn't want you, Draco. It's too late for that.'
He buried his face in his hands for a second before letting them run through his hair.
It was done. He had tried every angle he could think of, even resorting to bribery, but her disgust for him ran too deep. She wasn't about to change her mind about him any time soon. He could die for her and she would still suspect him of some sort of evil ulterior motive. Soon it would be over, she would be free and he'd exchange this suffering with another kind of suffering when he suddenly wouldn't be able to feel her anymore.
He really hadn't wanted anything more than just one more kiss.
He'd even been prepared to offer her early freedom. It was a measure of his desperation that he was willing to let go of her two days early just to have one stupid kiss that would probably last all of five seconds before she couldn't stand it anymore. Her rejection left him feeling positively crushed. She wouldn't even pretend to consider it. And this time, she even knew that he'd taken her pain that day, but she still didn't even want to let him finish his proposition.
He really did need a girlfriend. Perhaps he'd begin looking for one next week when he'd once again have nothing else to do except homework. Perhaps he might find someone who could fill the void. Perhaps she'd even wear the bracelet when he kissed her, letting him feel her.
The thought made his stomach heave. For some reason he couldn't bear the thought of anyone else wearing the bracelet. It was Hermione's to wear. Even if she hated it with a passion. He didn't think he'd ever be able to put it on anyone else's wrist.
He felt her move behind him, where she still sat on his bed. That was another funny thing… Even though she'd never fallen asleep there again after that one time he'd forgotten about her a lifetime ago, he sometimes thought he could feel her there, even catch her scent. It soothed him in a way that nothing else could. It made him feel… less alone. Feeling her emotions had a bit of the same effect, but when she slept the feelings dimmed and she felt so far away.
He was fooling himself, he knew. He was alone. Blaise had proved himself a very good, albeit extremely annoying, friend and he had his mother, but other than that… there was nobody. This month had been one long pretense to him even before he became attracted to her. He'd been lonely for so long that actually feeling close to someone had been… overwhelming. Even though he knew it wasn't real, that he wasn't close to her, he enjoyed pretending so much that he didn't want it to end.
And still he had wanted to offer to end it just for one kiss, one taste of something that was just a little bit more tangible.
He would never have that. He might as well acknowledge it. He would have kisses and more, of course, but he wouldn't have that intimacy, which was really all he was looking for. Not with anyone. Somehow he just knew that it had eluded him and he was doomed not to find it again.
"What were you going to offer me?" she whispered behind him, still feeling apprehensive.
"It doesn't matter," he said with a sigh. "You turned it down, remember?"
"But don't I get to know what it was?" she asked.
"No, Granger, you don't. If you had heard me out before turning me down, I would have told you, but you didn't even give me that courtesy, so forget it."
"You would have preferred I let you think I might say yes?" she said, shaking her head again. "That wouldn't have been kind."
"Oh, and screaming 'no' before I even finished talking was kind?" It was too hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice, so he didn't even try. "If that's your kindness, then please, I'd rather you be cruel to me."
"That's not fair," she quietly said. "You sprung this on me, how did you expect me to act?"
"I expected you to act exactly the way you did. I just hoped that you wouldn't. I hoped that you might show me a little more consideration than that. I even hoped that you'd at least consider what I had to offer you in exchange. It would only have meant a few seconds of discomfort for you to get what you want."
He swallowed once again. He hated being reminded of how distasteful she found kissing him to be. It wasn't fair that he should want it so much when she wanted it so little. He'd give anything for her just to want the same thing as him for nothing more than ten minutes of her life.
"I think that maybe you just want what you can't have," she said, looking thoughtful.
"That's not how I work."
"How many things in your life haven't you been able to get?"
"Touché," he muttered, unwilling to argue the fact. True, he had always been spoiled and he knew it. Yet, he was fairly sure that when it came to girls, he couldn't just have his pick. For one thing, anyone who wasn't a pureblood had always been out of the question. And for another… they simply didn't always like him and quite a few didn't even pretend they did in spite of his family's money. Pansy was the only one who had genuinely liked him and he'd adored her for it. He hadn't ever been inclined to try and go for any of the girls who obviously weren't interested.
"I would still like to know what you thought would make me accept your deal."
He sighed. She would be the death of him yet. "Freedom," he finally admitted. "I thought your freedom might be worth it to you."
"Freedom," she echoed, slightly confused.
He glanced at her before looking away again. "Apparently I overestimated the value of you getting this Hogsmeade weekend to spend with your friends as you saw fit. Or perhaps I just underestimated your distaste for me. It hardly matters, though, does it?"
She slowly shook her head as if not quite comprehending. He could feel the motion and her confusion, but he still didn't want to look at her. It had been the only thing he'd had to offer that she might have accepted.
It wasn't enough.
She carefully cleared her throat before she softly spoke. "I'll do it."
A preview? Ugh...
Her eyes widened. "I'll be feeling you?"
"You wanted insight, didn't you? You'll never get a greater insight than that."
"You've been able to do this all this time?" she incredulously asked.
"Yeah. Don't look at me like that. I wasn't going to just do it for no reason."
