Not in the mood for A/Ns. Hardly in the mood for updates.
Hugh Jackman is yummy in Van Helsing, don't you agree? I think it's the only reason to even watch that movie. My boyfriend doesn't mind my drooling as he at least gets to watch it.
I have to pee.
Hermione couldn't sleep. She couldn't even get comfortable when she was on the bed. Instead she sat huddled together on the floor at the foot of her bed and tried very hard not to panic. Crookshanks was offering very little consolation, having claimed the bed for himself since it wasn't in use anyway.
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!
It was as coherent as she had been able to be for the past hour. She couldn't think, couldn't allow herself to think. She took a deep breath and tried again.
NO!
Her stomach was churning and her heart was pounding, but she had to do this. She had to process this, to think about it, to come up with some sort of explanation, plan or solution.
She took another deep breath, settling her stomach somewhat.
What had happened in Malfoy's room had been… an accident. Yes, she could tell that much. He had been as shocked as she had been and she had known his remorse the instant it hit. She also knew that she had been damned lucky that he had had the presence of mind to realize the mistake before it went too far – even though a part of her still insisted on being angry that he had allowed anything to happen at all. She rather wished that he had realized what was happening much sooner, before she had suffered such humiliation, but, unfortunately, there was nothing to be done about it now. What had happened had happened. She longed to blame him for the whole thing, and she did blame him, he shouldn't have let it go that far, but it had happened. She had to deal with it.
A shudder went through her as she remembered how lost she had been in those feelings of pure need. Feelings that hadn't even really belonged to her. She had never acted with such abandon, never allowed her emotions to rule her most important decisions, not since… well, not for a few years, anyway. And then she was suddenly ruled by someone else's emotions and it was all gone, all her planning and careful deliberations about what would be the sensible way to go about this whole confusing dating problem. She couldn't just pretend that nothing had happened now. She couldn't pursue anything with Theo and keep silent about what had happened between her and one of his best friends. She simply couldn't lie to him about something like this. But if she told him that she'd had no choice in the matter, she would surely break a friendship apart, and much as she was angry at Malfoy right now, he probably didn't deserve to lose a friend over something that had been nothing but a horrible mistake.
Even though, perhaps, he did deserve to lose his friend for asking her to kiss him, knowing that Theo was actually interested in her as a person. But then again, didn't she also deserve to have Theo turn his back on her for accepting to kiss Malfoy? She had done it for so little… to be free two days early. It wasn't even that important. At the time it had just seemed such a small price to pay, to allow him to kiss her, and then be able to go to Hogsmeade with her friends like she used to. But Theo wouldn't see it like that, would he? He'd only see her weakness, her loss of integrity, her selling herself to her slaver for what could only be termed crumbs.
What a mess.
Malfoy had told her that he wanted her and she had known it to be the truth. It boggled her mind and made her more than a little unsettled, but for some strange reason, he was attracted to her and would have slept with her if she had been willing to go through with it on her own. She decided not to put too much stock in it, though. All his feelings had been very strong and impulsive, and she was probably just the flavor of the month, so to speak. Having felt how the bond worked, she could see how it could blind you into wanting things you wouldn't otherwise want. She just hoped that even after the lust disappeared, he would remember that she wasn't just a Mudblood but also a human being. If he learned that from their little bet and refrained from tormenting others, then it would actually have been worth all the humiliations.
Not that he hadn't messed up everything else for her already… She sighed. She was just so tired of the Slytherins all seemingly playing cat and mouse with her. She was tired of being the weaker person to be bullied around and… kissed. She very much wished they would leave her alone to her studies and to mending her friendships.
She just wanted peace.
"My, my! Don't we look like shite today?" Blaise beamed at Draco as if he'd just been paying him a great compliment.
"Shut it!" Draco fought an urge to yawn as he made it into the middle of the entrance hall where several other students were also scattered about, waiting to be allowed to go to Hogsmeade. There were even a few aurors present in a group at the edge of the hall, talking. Draco eyed them warily, deciding that he would like to keep his distance from them. It wasn't that he'd actually done anything, but since that whole fiasco where he'd almost become a murderer, he just didn't trust these people to believe that he wouldn't do anything like it again. Ironically, the only person he truly trusted was Dumbledore himself.
"Didn't see you at breakfast," Blaise observed.
"Wasn't hungry," Draco clipped out. He really hadn't been. He had been spending the whole night fighting the urge to put the ring back on. He had promised her freedom and even though she probably hadn't realized it quite yet, he had already given it to her. It was the least he could do after what he'd done to her last night.
"Granger missed breakfast as well," Blaise smugly informed him, ignoring Draco's black mood as he always did these days. "Anything you'd like me to know about?"
"Yes, Blaise," he scathingly replied. "That is why I, as you so charmingly remarked, look like shite – because Granger spent the night with me."
"It would explain the smudges under your eyes, but you're right. You'd probably be in a better mood. That is, unless…" He coughed, unsuccessfully masking what was definitely too much mirth.
"Unless what?" Draco snapped.
Blaise smirked. "Perhaps you got a little nervous?" His raised eyebrows said it all.
Draco was appalled at the suggestion. And offended. Blaise was actually suggesting that he couldn't..!? "No such thing!" he growled.
"Good for you!" Blaise exclaimed, beaming. "Now pray that it won't when you get that far…"
"I'm not getting that far."
"Of course y—"
"No, Blaise! I mean it!" Blaise looked stunned at the outburst and Draco sighed and continued, "Whatever I might have wanted… It doesn't matter anymore. It's done. It's over." He pronounced each statement clearly as much for himself as for Blaise. He felt the truth of it in his bones, yet after the night he'd had he couldn't summon any feeling but numbness.
"You really do mean it this time," Blaise quietly said.
"I always meant it."
"No… you didn't. You wanted her; it was obvious. I was just encouraging what you already wanted. What happened?"
Draco couldn't tell him. He just couldn't put this whole horrible and, yes, humiliating experience into words. He couldn't tell him how wrong he had been, how he'd gone too far, and how Hermione would never forgive him for almost taking her against her will. He had never wanted that, but it didn't matter. He would make it up to her the only way he knew how. "She bought her freedom from me," he tonelessly said. "I won't be bothering her anymore."
He expected the other boy to object and make a nuisance of himself digging for more information, but Blaise surprised him. "I'm sorry, mate," he said in a low voice. "You know I don't like her much, but I really had hoped it would work out for you."
Draco shrugged. "There was nothing there that would ever have worked." He caught Blaise glancing across the hall where Tracey had just entered holding hands with her new beau. "You're still going to do nothing?"
Blaise had turned his back on the couple and now shrugged. "She doesn't need me to do anything, does she? Besides, I have a date today."
Draco blinked. A date? So soon? How could people move so fast from being head over heels to just being with someone else? He didn't understand. "What about Tracey?" he asked, because he couldn't stop himself.
"She's not going to change her mind, Draco. I'm moving on. The best way to get over a girl is other girls. You'll discover that soon enough."
"But…" Draco glanced back at Tracey, who looked as if she didn't have a care in the world. He'd always sort of thought it would somehow work out once she realized that Blaise was serious about her. How could she realize this if he was 'moving on'? "You sure you gave it enough time? She could still come around."
"If she comes around, she knows where to find me. I'm not going anywhere for the next seven months."
This was all wrong. "You can't just give up!"
"But you can?"
"It's different! She never wanted me!"
"That's bull. I saw you kiss her. She wanted it."
Draco sighed. "She was drunk back then."
"So? Alcohol doesn't alter your personality, it just loosens it up a little. If she kissed you like that, she must have been attracted to you on some level."
"Yes, because you certainly never snogged a girl while inebriated and lived to regret it the next day," Draco sarcastically shot back.
Blaise waved a dismissive hand. "I did. But Granger hadn't had that much to drink. Her speech wasn't slurred at all and she'd even spent a good while sleeping it off. Didn't see her having any problems running straight for the door, either. I think that you both just thought that blaming the liquor would be the easiest thing to do."
Draco stared at Blaise. Could she really have wanted it back then? No, it didn't make any sense. Blaise was just, as usual, trying to plant ideas in his head. "It's moot," he said. "Whether she wanted it or not… it doesn't matter anymore."
"I suspected as much. Tracey wanted it, obviously. Now she doesn't. She's probably sleeping with him now and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I used to be the only one she'd been with, but look at them," he gestured at Tracey, reaching up to kiss her boyfriend. "If they haven't shagged yet, it's just a matter of time. Very little time. Don't ask me to just stand by and watch. I can't. And I can't interfere either. Don't judge me for trying to get to a point where that's not keeping me awake at night."
Draco felt like a git for not understanding any of this sooner. "I'm sorry I was giving you a hard time about her," he softly said.
Blaise half-shrugged. "You were trying to look out for me, I suppose. But we were both idiots."
"Yeah…" There really wasn't much else to say.
"Buck up. If I were you, I would try and look less depressed."
"Why?"
"Granger just entered and it looks like she's coming over here. Want me to scare her off?"
Draco whipped around, surprised beyond reason that Hermione was in the same room without him knowing it. But how could he know? The place she had occupied was now nothing but a gaping hole inside of him. "You leave her alone," he said to Blaise without thinking. "Don't even look at her if she doesn't want you to or I swear I will maim you in a way so your next girlfriend won't have any use for you at all."
"Bitch," Blaise muttered at Draco, who pointedly ignored him.
Hermione was a nervous mess on the inside, but on the outside she held her head high and her strides were confident. She needed to get this over with. She needed to do this to be free. She comforted herself with the knowledge that she wouldn't really have to talk to him again after this if she didn't want to. So, pretending she wasn't cringing inside at the mere memory of what had happened only a few hours ago, she made a beeline for Draco.
Blast, he was with that intolerable Blaise Zabini. He probably knew everything, too! She glared at him.
Draco half-turned to Zabini. "Get lost," he curtly said. Zabini raised his eyebrows but complied. Somewhat. The hall was filling with students impatiently waiting for the security to clear and privacy was rapidly becoming limited. Zabini didn't find it necessary to go more than a few steps, barely out of earshot.
She turned her glare to Draco, who wasn't exactly looking at her. He looked just as uncomfortable, not to mention tired, as she felt. Good! She knew she should be ashamed that she so viciously wanted him to suffer for something that he'd hardly been able to control, but no matter how much she tried to tell herself to be fair, she found that she couldn't forgive him. Not yet.
"You promised to free me," she said, presenting her wrist to him.
He blinked, as if slightly taken aback. "I did free you," he said a bit hoarsely. "I mean, obviously you're still wearing it, but… I didn't put the ring back on, see?" He showed her his hands.
"That's nice," she said, quite unable to show him any gratitude or give him thanks. "But please take it off now."
"I need the ring," he muttered. "I didn't bring it. I didn't think to… Stupid." He looked around. "Seems there's still time. Wait here. I'll get it and remove it right away, I promise. Don't go anywhere."
He hurried off and Hermione found herself standing all alone in area predominantly inhabited by Slytherins. Oh, grand. But what else was new? Strangely, they seemed to mostly ignore her. Except Zabini. He was looking at her with a thoughtful expression. She bared her teeth at him, not in the mood for his offensive behavior. He raised his eyebrows, seemingly something he liked doing, and sauntered closer as if it had been an invitation.
"What now, Zabini?" she asked, not bothering to hide her hostility. "You in need of someone to call names again?"
He half-smirked. "No, Draco is the bitch of the day. Did you notice how rude he was? That boy needs some manners."
She snorted. "I'm sure you deserved it."
"But of course I did. Still, he could have been insulting me politely." He looked thoughtful again. "Look, Granger—" He was abruptly cut off as someone barged into him, nearly knocking him over.
Hermione blinked in confusion as Ginny's rather breathless person appeared before her. "There you are," she said to Hermione. "What on earth are you doing in this section today of all days? Can't you be with your friends for once? We promise to be good, I swear. Ron might even be tolerable for once and drop that moody act of his."
Hermione didn't have time to reply before Blaise, having righted himself, interrupted. "Damn, Red. I didn't know you'd gone completely blind, but, then again, that explains a lot of things, doesn't it?"
zomg who's who...or...
"Trust me, I cannot tell you how much I do not want you under me or anywhere else."
"That's what you say…"
"Wanker."
"Harridan."
"Cunt."
He just smirked. "Slag."
