I Feel Like…

My head drummed, the voices hummed around me, and I honestly wanted to smack the lady incessantly talking to me. I had no idea who the hell she was, but she obviously knew me. Which I simply did not know how.

I knew that I was being considerably rude, and it's not how a lady should act like. But did I care? Nope. Instead, I was thinking about last night's disastrous party. The worst part about it was that it was perfect; too perfect. And then I ruined it by my stupid mistakes. No, wait; not stupid mistakes, but stupid choices.

In addition, Josh had cornered me before the fundraiser brunch while I took a walk in the early wee hours of the morning, due to my bad dreams.

"Josh, what are you doing here?" I scoffed. I was again sitting in a bench, where less than a month ago all I had to worry about was the fundraiser.

He stood where he was at. "I haven't been taking my pills."

"What?!"

He just shrugged. "I don't want too."

The idiot seriously was becoming more stupid by the second. "You have to," I said. Before you start shoving your tongue down my throat, I silently added.

"I don't like feeling . . . nothing. You know that, Reed, out of all people."

A deep breath. "Don't make me into something that. . ."

"But you are."

Josh was being annoyingly persistent. "Please take them. For your own sake. I don't want you to get hurt." I got up, intending for the conversation to be over. "And it'll make several things easier to handle."

He laughed. "Like my emotions?"

"Don't forget about mine, too."

That was that. I had no idea what was going to happen between us, and I wasn't sure if I wanted too. The lines were becoming increasingly blurred, and I hated that I couldn't control at least one thing in my life.

"Mrs. Bradshaw? I'm so sorry, but I really need to attend some matters. Would it be OK if I . . .?" I gestured at the open area, implying to her that I needed to leave.

She was chewing on her olive that was inside her vodka (I thought we weren't even passing out hard liquor) and looked up at me, a little glassy in the eye. "Oh, no, it's not a problem! I'll just," hiccup, "go somewhere else!" Mrs. Bradshaw started to move until she stopped. I briefly wondered how she was going to be able to handle herself. She smiled at me. "Ma-maybe it's best if I stay here for a while." Hiccup.

Good thing she knew her limits. This lady was a true pro.

I apologized several more times as I finally got out of that lady's grasp. She nodded dumbly back at me, and I felt somewhat sad for her. Perhaps she was having marital problems, or her credit card maxed out. Either way, she needed to cut down on her drinking. And I definitely needed to get a few more.

Nice, lovely, old couples greeted me, and it took every ounce of effort not to tell them to leave me alone. Everyone could tell something was wrong with me today, and all the Billings girls left me alone. Noelle had implied that she was going to have a word with me later, but I didn't care. I didn't give two shits about anything.

I walked a little faster, grabbing a champagne glass to soothe my needs. I turned my heels to the left, walking into an empty hallway. I needed a breather. What the hell was going on? Why was I acting so . . . haggard? Why was everything my fault?

"No, Josh, things are not OK. They never will be." I immediately stopped, instantly cringing at the sound of 'Josh' and hearing Ivy's voice. Why did I always have to run into them?

They were inside a room. The door was slightly ajar, and thanks to the fact that no one was here, I could hear every word they said perfectly. I couldn't actually see them, but I saw shadows.

"I know. I'm confused. I-I need some . . . time. Please, Ivy, just listen-"

"No! You need some time?!" She paused, and I had a feeling she was taking a deep breath. "God, I've been waiting and waiting, and I honestly don't know what to do! I have no idea why-" She stopped, and my heart pounded a little. I could hear footsteps approaching fast. Crap.

"Ivy, come back here," Josh began.

"I think this time I'm going to make you wait," Ivy simply stated. "You can talk to me when you're ready." Her footsteps were quickly approaching, and the only thing I could do was rush out of there. But where?

I saw another door adjacent to the room Ivy and Josh were at. With surprising speed, I jumped over there, my three and a half heels bruising my toes at that movement. When Ivy opened the door, I shut mine simultaneously. I breathed a sigh of relief, leaning my head on the door.

Crap. Ivy just broke up with Josh. All because of me. She was absolutely right about me causing problems just by being here. And not only that, did Josh tell her about our . . . encounter yesterday? Did she hate me even more?

Was I a living relationship-wrecker?

I didn't notice that someone else was in the room, and I definitely didn't notice it was Sawyer, who was absent mildly laying on the only couch there. His legs were sprawled out, his hands on the back of his head. He was dressed somewhat casually, his collared shirt barely showing what he had underneath. He had one eye opened, looking at me curiously.

"Reed?" Sawyer sat up from the couch, concern over his handsome face. I stood by the door, not really wanting to talk to him. But on the other hand, I didn't want to go back outside.

I shook my head and smiled. "Sorry, it was kind of loud. I'll just leave," I said while I started to turn around.

"No, I should be sorry. I know I've made things incredibly awkward now." I stopped, my hand resting on the doorknob. "Ju-just stay, please." My feet slowly turned around, along with my body. I deliberated for a split second, thinking that maybe talking to Sawyer would be a good idea. Plus, I really didn't want to go outside.

Sawyer was fully up now, allowing me some space to sit on the couch. Sawyer seemed a little guilty and distressed, and I saw some blue circles under his eyes. Instantly, my heart panged, and I wanted to make his under-eye bags go away.

I slowly sat down, my butt perched and my back really straight. My thoughts went to how crappy I felt and the whole weird talk with Sawyer. As much as I didn't want to be here, I felt . . . I felt like I couldn't hold it back. The whole honesty thing with Sawyer was really getting to me, and it made me want to come back for more.

In stages, I slowly relaxed, the silence welcoming me in their arms. Sawyer and I didn't say anything for a while. I wasn't sure if I was even ready to go first.

"I'm sorry. I've screwed everything up. I don't think," Sawyer started. I finally looked at him, and his face was in his hands. His voice was slightly muffled and pinched. I didn't know why he was apologizing, but he continued regardless.

"You're not her. And I guess I'm feeling too . . . overprotective of you. You're a big girl," he laughed. Sawyer's face instantly became solemn and pure melancholy. He looked up at me, anguish apparent in his eyes. "Sh-she kept dropping hints, you know? About how she didn't want to live. And I could've done something about it. And now she's dead, all because of me."

My breathing stopped. He was finally doing a confession on his part, and my heart was sinking way to fast. I could feel some tears coming up. The stuff that had happened to me didn't even compare to what Sawyer was going through right now.

"Oh Sawyer, I-"

"And I had some control over it. God, I'm an idiot. I guess why I'm feeling the way I am bec- well, I . . ." His eyes locked into mine. "You know what? Forget about it." He took one long drink from the champagne bottle I failed to notice.

A pregnant silence followed afterward. Sawyer relaxed in his seat and I did the same, thinking about everything. He didn't need to finish his sentence because I knew. Sawyer was only doing the things he did because he cared about me and he didn't want me to get hurt. He was keeping me in line. And I was forever grateful.

"Today is her birthday, anyway."

I turned my head to side, and his jaw was clenched in an effort to stop the emotions from falling down. Sawyer's eyes were glassy, and almost suddenly, a perfect little crystal dropped, rolling down his cheek. He exhaled, facing away from me, a few more precious diamonds falling down.

Out of impulse, I scooted closer to Sawyer, wiping the tears away from his smooth cheeks. I tucked my head under his chin, deep within his chest, and wrapped my arm around his brood chest. I could hear him sigh, and I did the same, feeling utterly messed up.

After a few minutes, or several hours, I reached over and got the champagne bottle from Sawyer's grasp. He looked at me a little peculiar, but I ignored him, taking several gulps. I smacked my lips and said:

"To Jen," I started off. I raised the bottle up to the air, toasting her in heaven or wherever she was. "We hope you're doing mighty well, while we're stuck here. So yeah, happy birthday Jen." I took another sip, the alcohol finally getting to me. My brain decided to make more toasts, so I proceeded ahead.

"What else . . . To Josh and Ivy. I hope they last a long time, even though I'm the one who's screwing everything up. To Upton: I hope he gets to bang a lot of girls and not think about me." I hiccupped and burped. "To every . . . fucking person who tried to kill me, and are still somehow not making me able to go to sleep." I felt Sawyer's arm tighten around me, and a rush of emotions started to come forward.

"Why is everything so fucked up, you know? Like why does everything come back to me? I thought I was doing everyone a favor by doing nothing. And then-" I paused, taking a deep breath. "I have no idea how this all started." My voice cracked and I began to cry, feeling the weight of all the drama finally getting to me.

He hugged me tighter, and I continued to sob. His thin, tender fingers erased my tears, and I held onto him like there was no tomorrow.

And for a second, I thought there wasn't even a tomorrow. Not when I was sitting in Sawyer's arm like that. Not when I felt so secure.

So safe.


thanks for reviewing folks!

i'm so sorry for not updating in forever. school started and all this stuff was going on, not to mention having a major writers block. and yes, i know this is very crappy. beyond crappy. and i'm sure i have all these grammer mistakes, but i need to study (as you can see how well i'm studying), so whatever. that's why i havent written anything in such a long time and why this chapter sucks. anywho, i always value your opinions... (hint, hint)

review please! and thanks again for those who have