Remember, Haruna is a pervert, and nicknamed her best friends Yue and Nodoka 'The Polygamous Duo'. Also, somebody pointed out that Mundus Magicus is on Mars and that I was wrong in placing it on Venus. Sorry, but I wasn't wrong, RYOGA was. Remember, never take directions from him.
by lord Martiya
01: Party and The Salgarian
"YOU DID WHAT?"
After leaving her friends and her spaceship at her school, Haruna had come to Nerima along the NWC. And then, at a party to celebrate their return from Jusenkyo, she slipped to be the one who told Ukyo where to find Ranma KNOWING THAT AT THE TIME SHE WAS HELLBENT ON KILLING HIM AND THEIR FATHER.
"Come on, bro, it was just helping your childhood friend!" Haruna replied.
"But... Why?"
Flashback
Many months earlier, Ukyo's Okonomiyaki Cart, Mahora Campus.
"Why are you eyeing me like that?" Haruna asked while waiting for her okonomiyaki with her friends.
"You have the same last name of my fiance." Ukyo admitted. "THAT BASTARD!"
"What's happened to provoke this?" Konoka (the Yamato Nadesico of the group) asked.
"Oh, nothing... It's just that, when I was 10, he and his father accepted the engagement and our family okonomiyaki cart as my dowry, and then THAT GENMA FUCKER TOOK RANMA AND RAN AWAY WITH THE CART!"
Silence fell. Then, Haruna produced an old punctured picture of Genma.
"Is this the Saotome Genma you're talking about?" she asked.
"Yes... It's him! How?" Ukyo replied.
"Fucker's my dad. Sadly."
Silence.
"Don't worry, I'd like being orphaned of him: he took my brother away on a training trip before I started remembering, leaving behind only a seppuku pledge in Ranma's name if he didn't meet some crazy condition." Haruna explained.
"Crazy even for this school?" Ukyo asked.
"Even McDowell-san wouldn't consider it, and you know how crazy she can be. Anyway, you'll find them in Nerima at the Tendo Dojo. Ranma is currently living there as part of ANOTHER engagement signed before he was even born, and is now studying at Furinkan High."
"Why do you tell me this? I'm planning to beat the crap out of them!"
"Genma, I'd help if I could. Ranma... Wanna bet you'll fall for him in a couple days after seeing him again? Also, he probably doesn't even know about your engagement. Go ahead."
"Uh... Thanks."
"Don't thank me, give me nieces and nephews."
Then Haruna gave Ukyo a book. The Kamasutra.
"For luck."
End Flashback
Everybody but Ukyo stared at Haruna. After all, she had not only anticipated Ukyo falling again for Ranma, but had openly asked Ukyo to have sex with her brother and gave her THE handbook about that.
"RANMA, YOU PERVERT!"
Akane tried to hit Ranma, but was KOed by an anvil falling on her head.
"When she wake up, tell her that I WILL enforce good manners." Haruna said smiling.
"Ucchan, is that normal at that school?" Ranma asked his childhood friend.
"Almost." Ukyo replied. "But her class is particularly crazy, so..."
"How much?" Nabiki asked.
Haruna smiled in a creepy way, then produced a copy of the class register.
"From number one we are: a ghost, the gun-crazy daughter of a mage, a paparazzi, a military philosopher, an half-vampire who fears blood, a swimmer who can remain calm even when enslaved on an alien world, a mad cheerleader, an alien princess with a Big Fucking Sword, a nun-witch, a magically-powered robot, another mad ch-"
"STOP! IT'S ENOUGH!"
"We also have a vampire and a couple mad scientists, one of them being a time traveller to boot." Haruna added. "And I had other reasons for sending Ukyo to you."
"Really?" Genma asked (he was the only one still calm enough).
"We are Saotome. What's the difference between us and anyone with our same name?"
"We boobytrapped the family tomb as defence?" Ranma asked.
"... No: we STRUGGLE until we reach our objective, no matter how outlandish such objective may be, and to hell with whoever is so foolish to get in our way! By the way, that gave us enough enemies to force us into boobytrapping the family tomb. I just made a couple additions to the traps..."
"I know I'll regret this... What additions?" Genma asked.
Saotome Family Tomb
Two figures armed with sledgehammers were approaching the tomb, ready to destroy it.
"Are you sure we should do this? It's a tomb..." one of them said.
"She and the Regime destroyed our control on Megalomesembria and took our wealth! She MUST pay!" the other replied.
"Why, doc? You attacked her first, after all..."
"Shut up and go away, you talking rabbit, or we'll EAT you!"
"Of course you realize, this means WAR."
The figures would be later found white haired and scared into shit their pants. Oh, and with an insane fear of rabbits, hares and similar things.
"YOU ADDED GOLEMS OF BUGS BUNNY AND THE GHOSTLY TRIO?"
"Well, Chuck Norris would cause too much collateral damage... Anyway, that's exactly I decided to send Ukyo: she's beautiful, she can deal with the madness that follows us and can FIT in the family, while I'm not so sure of Ak-"
"SANDOKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!! SANDOKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!"
As the start of the song Sandokan woke up Akane and scared everybody, a guy in a lieutenant uniform of the Japanese Imperial Navy (Russian-Japanese War era) appeared in the house.
"Hello, you may call me The Salgarian, and as the new villain coming in Nerima I'm here for the traditional kidnapping of the Fairest and Most Lovely member of the Tendo household." he saluted.
"And you think we'll let you-" Soun started. Then, weapons clicked.
"Tendo, I suggest you look around." Genma said.
Soun did so, and found that they were surrounded by hundreds of beings with the looks of humans (mostly female) very little dressed and oddly colored armed with what appeared to be laser weapons. There was also a group of humans in an unknown black military uniform bearing a red octagon with a silver eight-beamed wheel on the chest. And these ones, armed with a mix of lasers and 'modern' firearms, included Tatsumiya Mana.
"To quote Douglas McArthur, whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons". The Salgarian said. "Please surrended yourself with no resistance and you and your eventual rescuers shall not be armed, Tendo Kasumi."
"What?" Kasumi asked.
"I'm kidnapping you."
"But... The tradition is to kidnap Akane." Nabiki intervened.
The intruders laughed as a single ma-woma-BEING.
"Nice joke." The Salgarian said. "What kind of IMBECILE would kidnap HER over Kasumi?"
"Hey! What are you insinuating?" Akane cried, catching a supposed insult.
"Well, for starters... You are cute, your sister is beautiful. Your manners are horrible, your sisters' are proper of a lady. Last year both Chinas cried that Japan was experimenting with chemical and biological weapons until the governement explained it was just your cooking, your sister could work in a luxury restaurant as the Chef. While just half trained you can defend yourself, your sister can't. Need particulars? No? Good. You'll find me at Furinkan High, where I adapted the school for some Salgari-themed task before you'll be able to rescue Kasumi."
"Wait... Salgari as in EMILIO Salgari? The Italian novelist who wrote the Sandokan novels?" Haruna asked.
"The one and only. Good day."
The horde teleported away with Kasumi.
"Well, that was new." Ranma said.
"Salgari... WHY HIM?" Haruna cried.
"Come on, it won't be that bad..."
"In one of his novels Salgari got twenty THOUSANDS people shit themselves to death, in a literal fashion. And he regularly tortured his main characters."
The presents look at her like she had grown a second head.
"Where the hell is Kuno when we need a human shield?" Ranma complained.
Somewhere in Mahora, Hasegawa Chisame and Albert Chamomille (Chamo for short) where looking at a fainted Kuno Tatewaki.
"Tell me again what Paru did him..." Chisame asked.
"Well, she just explained him about her brother's curse."
"And that made him comatose until two minutes ago and then made him run amok screaming about the Foul Sorcerer Saotome Genma until Yuna shot him a tranquillizer... Why?"
"He had a crush on Ranma's girl side and hated his male side."
Chisame facepalmed.
"At least OUR madness has some sense..."
"Sir, I have a report from Platinum Works." Mana, now dressed as a Jemadar-ranking Sepoy of the Bengal Army, told The Salgarian (now dressed in a Royal Navy uniform of the mid-'800s). "It explains why they always kidnapped the gorilla."
"Thanks the Elements! I was fearing this place had no sense at all!" The Salgarian exclaimed.
"Apparently they always had some other reason. Most kidnapped her to defend themselves from Ranma, or to use her against him. Mousse actually kidnapped a peluche, but he mistook it for her."
"Moron..."
"Indeed. Another kidnapper, Kirin of the Seven Gods of Luck, kidnapped her just because she happened holding in her hand the half of his sacred scroll in place of the legitimate owner, who is now his wife. Finally, a Toma guy had kidnapped a lot of women so he could chose his wife among them, but Akane was the only one with the balls to treat him as the unruly child he was, and he was masochist enough to chose her. To his defence, he had never saw a woman in person until he started kidnapping."
"And so she got the fame as 'The Most Desiderable' over Kasumi because people just assumed they had missed something about her that the kidnappers noticed and she HAD to be the best one..."
"That, and rumors about Kasumi being in love with Tofu Ono. And Tofu Ono can do nasty things with his fingers. On Nabiki not being more desiderated..."
"I know her fame. Oh, look, they're here at the first scenario."
"What's the novel?"
"Il Leone di Damasco. Right in the final battle."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Akane cried.
"I think it's the Venetian galley Capitana at the Battle of Lepanto, if they are any hint." Haruna replied pointing to an Arabian-looking man and a western-looking woman, both in Venetian armour. "Do we have to defeat you?"
"Indeed, no." the man replied. "You have to reach the Sultana and shave Ali Pasha. Questions?"
"Just one." Konatsu said. "Why is your companion dressed as a woman?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"According to Haruna-san, Capitan Tempesta is a woman, yet your companion is a man."
"FINALLY SOMEBODY GOT IT!" the 'woman' cried.
"We lost a bet, and he loves dressing as a woman to see if anyone will notice." the (other) man confirmed. "Now, let's the task begin."
The two teleported away, and arrows, musquet shots and cannonballs started flying.
"Where is Kodachi when you need her agility?" Ranma complained.
"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?" the infamous vampire Evangeline A.K. McDowell asked after seeing all the gymnastic clubs of the campus preparing a sacrifice to Kodachi and nearly dropping her thermos.
"The Black Rose goddess accepted to teach us if we show her our dedication." Sasaki Makie replied.
Evangeline looked at them, then made the question.
"Don't you think a human sacrifice is too much?"
"It's just a piglet!"
"IT'S HOT!"
"Whoever you are, you owe me your life and a thermos of tea. My personal brew."
For some reason, Ryoga wished she just let the gymnasts sacrifice him.
The rescue party had shaved Ali Pasha without losing people, and reached the next scenario. Where they met a cowboy.
"This scenario is inspired by the novel La Scotennatrice." he announced. "Meaning, 'she who skin people' or 'she who take scalps'. Your task is to keep your scalps. Good luck."
The cowboy teleported away just as the monsters from earlier appeared on horses and started attacking with tomahawks.
"Why it couldn't be a Mary Shelley fan?" Haruna complained.
Author Note
I won't try and deny it: the kidnapping scene is a blatant omage to Lord Ranma (a Ranma 1/2/Sailor Moon crossover where Sailor Pluto's machinations made Ranma the Fifth General of the Dark Kingdom and a foil to the Saotomes and Tendos, included ANOTHER Ranma).
And about Salgari... I've read his novels, and I know he hated his characters. A lot. Sandokan, Yanez, Tremal Naik, the Black Corsair, Capitan Tempesta and his other main characters have a penchant to get captured and tortured (the unluckyest one may be Shima, main character of L'Eroina di Port Arthur: in about four pages she lost her brother when a Japanese destroyer accidentally sank both a Russian one and the JAPANESE one she was on and then, rescued by the crew of the Petropavlosk, killed herself by blowing up the mine that had just hurt the ship). And that was just what he did to the main characters: villains and nondescript got much worse. After all, in La Rivincita di Yanez (published in English as Yanez' Revenge) Sandokan helped his friend by sicking on the enemy two hundred head hunters armed with machine guns and a mad scientist who infected them with CHOLERA, resulting in twenty thousands people literally shitting themselves to death (that was what Haruna was speaking about), while the novel Le Due Tigri (The Two Tigers), whose background is the Indian Mutiny of 1857, ends with the fall of Delhi to the British forces in a chapter named The Delhi Massacre. Ouch...
