I know it has been a longer wait than usual and I apologize for neglecting to warn you when I should have realized this would happen. I have a rather important exam in about a week and I cannot allow myself the distractions of ficcing and playing with my computer while cramming for it. So, yeah, the pesky Real Life is to blame. :) Rest assured that I didn't run out of inspiration or get bored or whatever some may fear. As for when the next update will happen, well... when next I have time, up to a week from now. After that I'll return to a more normal schedule until next time Real Life interferes. ;)
Oh, and it's five in the morning when I'm writing this, so do give me some credit for effort. ;)
"Hermione, can I talk to you?"
Hermione looked up from the book that she was studying without much enthusiasm. "Ginny? Um… sure…" She closed the book, feeling rather distracted and apprehensive about where this might be going. She knew what Ginny wanted, of course, but she really hadn't given that whole ordeal much thought. It just hadn't seemed that important, everything considered.
Ginny sat down and subtly checked for listeners. There were none, nobody cared to study on a Tuesday night in early December. "This is awkward. I don't know how to say this."
"Then don't." Hermione honestly wasn't all that interested in Ginny's explanations. Why would Ginny explain to her, anyway?
"But I have to!" Ginny wrung her hands and worried her lip. "I know you didn't believe me when I said that Zabini was lying about… you know."
"Because you were lying." No reason to be pretending. They both knew what was what.
Ginny had the decency to blush. "Yes, of course, but… it's not as bad as it seems, I swear! I haven't… I would never cheat on Harry."
"I know. Zabini told me as much." Hermione suppressed an urge to tell Ginny to go away, mentally telling herself off for being so unkind to her friends—even if only in her thoughts.
Ginny started and blinked. "He told you? What else did he tell you?"
Hermione sighed. It seemed like she really had to have this conversation. "That it was physical and that it didn't take you long to begin disliking each other."
Ginny shot out of her chair and began pacing. "That's the thing! We never liked each other. It was just that… passions were running high. I was a mess back then, trying to get over my crush on Harry and finally breaking it off with Michael and… things happened. I mean, you should understand!"
Hermione's eyebrows shot up. "Why would I understand?" she cautiously asked, knowing that she probably understood far better than Ginny would ever know.
"You snogged that Malfoy git, didn't you? Wasn't it the same thing?"
She slowly shook her head. "No… not the same thing."
"So you just wanted to do it, then?" Ginny frowned, perplexed.
"Magical as well as alcoholic coercion was involved. It was not the same thing."
"The thing is…" Ginny's pacing intensified. "Harry doesn't know and I really don't want him to find out."
"I gathered that."
Ginny bit her lip. "He knows that there's been others. I could hardly hide that. But he doesn't know that I actually slept with the likes of Zabini and he'd finish me if he ever found out, you know he would. Please never tell him."
Hermione shook her head. "You give Harry too little credit."
"He hates Slytherins and Zabini is one of the worst of the lot. He can't know!"
"If you don't tell him, then Zabini will forever be able to hold it over your head."
It was a very valid point and even Ginny reluctantly had to nod. "Yeah, but… he won't actually tell him. You think he will?"
Hermione shrugged. "If he feels provoked, he might. Why give him that power? Besides… keeping secrets from your boyfriend is never a good thing. The longer you don't tell him, the worse it will get."
Ginny plopped back down into her chair. "I understand what you're saying and why you're saying it… but it's just not that easy, Hermione."
Hermione sighed. "It never is, Ginny. It really never is."
"Please don't tell him." Ginny was pleading and not even pretending not to be.
"It's not my place to tell him."
"Please don't judge me."
"That's not my place either."
Ginny wearily rubbed her face. "I'll tell him… I will! I just have to find the right moment."
The elusive right moment. The one that Hermione was also waiting for to tell Theo certain parts—which parts was yet unclear—about what had happened between her and Draco. That was, if he was even interested in hearing it anymore.
Hermione sighed again. This wouldn't be fun for anyone.
This time when Draco came to, everything was different. The void seemed to have shrunk and the pain was a dull throbbing. More than that, he was aware. He was aware that he probably hadn't really eaten in a while and his stomach was rebelling. He was aware that he was in a dire need of a shower. He was aware that he was alone and he didn't even know what day it was. And, after a few minutes of gathering his thoughts, he became aware that he had been a complete and utter wanker to Pansy while being ill.
It was enough to make him hate himself. Most of his memories were fuzzy, but he was vaguely aware that she had been taking care of him and he had been taking advantage of her to fill the void, kissing her several times, and behaving in a way that was misleading at best. He had been so desperate for closeness that he hadn't even considered how much he would hurt her… again.
Damn Pansy for caring too much about him! She should look to Hermione for guidance. Hermione was smart; she knew he wasn't worth it. She would never have allowed him such liberties, no matter how ill he was.
He glanced to his bedside table and found that someone had put a plate of fruit there. He dimly recalled Pansy trying to coax him to eat something… it might have been fruit. He was starving, though, so he just appreciated the food within reach. Getting into a sitting position, he reached out and grabbed an apple. He was just about to bite into it when his door opened.
"You're awake!" Pansy closed the door behind her. "And eating!"
Why was she looking so happy? Draco sighed, losing some of his appetite.
She walked over to his mirror and righted her hair. "Sorry I had to leave, but I couldn't miss classes. Getting in trouble would hardly help you."
"What day is it?"
"Thursday."
"I only missed two days?"
Being satisfied with her hair, she turned and smiled a bit sadly at him. "You missed seven days of school as well as a weekend."
Damn. He was dead. He felt oddly resigned. "Guess I won't be around Hogwarts for NEWTs, then."
"Yes, you will."
"Come on, Pans. Seven days in a row of just staying away from classes? I'm surprised that my trunk hasn't been packed for me already. It's not like they weren't already monitoring my every step."
"And it's not like you were just skiving off for the fun of it. I've never seen anyone in such a bad shape."
"But nobody knew that!"
"They would have if you would have only agreed to go to the hospital wing or to let someone come and check on you."
"And then they'd ask how and why and it wouldn't just be my trunk but also Granger's that were packed. I couldn't let that happen. It wasn't her fault."
Pansy looked away and chose not to address that. "Theo kept Slughorn off your back."
"That's nice, but Slughorn won't be the one expelling me."
"Granger kept Dumbledore off your back."
Draco opened his mouth to reply and then realized he had nothing to say. He blinked. "What?"
"She took care of it by talking to the old geezer. She even cornered me and said she could get potions from Madam Pomfrey if needed, as if we'd ever need her. Theo must have told her about you, because Blaise said it wasn't him. Seems like your little Granger has been busy." She sounded bitter.
"How could she… Why…?"
"I really don't know," Pansy said, her mouth setting in a grim line.
Draco closed his eyes. Stupid. Inconsiderate. Ask Blaise about Hermione—not Pansy of all people. Not after what she's done for you. "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being here for me. It must have been difficult with me being barely coherent…"
"Oh." Her expression softened. "Don't mention it."
He had better get certain matters out of the way. "Look, whatever I may have said or… or done…"
Pansy's face fell again. "You don't give me a lot of credit, Draco."
He winced. "I was pretty out of it…"
"Don't you think I know that?" Her voice was razor-sharp and he flinched. "Don't you think I know I was just a bloody substitute? Every single time you woke and most times you were asleep, you called out for her!"
He didn't know what to say. She was right. He had used her. But she seemed to misunderstand one detail. "I was addicted to her through the bracelet, nothing more."
"Yes, I know that's why you got sick." She began pacing. "It was foolish of you to use it on someone like her. You tied her closely to you even though you had to know what would happen. You had to know you couldn't keep her close and would suffer for it."
"I thought I could control it. I never thought it would work this way with her… I mean, I used to hate her."
"But it happened."
"Yes."
"And it wrecked you." It was a statement not a question. She knew him too well, he realized. She knew that he hadn't just become ill from it.
He shrugged and smiled wryly. "Imagine having your soul ripped out. I thought it would kill me."
"But you're better now?"
"I guess. She only wore it for a month, after all."
"But you still miss her?"
"I think…" He swallowed and frowned. "I think I'll always somehow miss her."
Pansy stopped and stared sadly at him. "You shouldn't have made her wear it."
"I know that now, Pans… I made a mistake, all right?"
It didn't feel very much like a mistake, though. It felt like the only right thing he had ever done, because suddenly it was as if a veil lifted from the world and he could finally see. Pansy wouldn't understand that, or worse—maybe she would, so he wouldn't tell her. But he knew, in his head, that it had been a mistake, and that he should be the only one paying for it.
She flopped down heavily on his bed. "I don't like her."
"I know."
"In fact, I hate her."
He couldn't help his crooked smile. "I know."
"With a fiery passion."
He didn't reply again, but just rolled his eyes and fell back against his pillows.
"Why does she always have to be such a self-righteous, stuck-up little—?"
"Pans, please!" He didn't know whether to be angry or amused with her, so he settled for amused. She really did hate Hermione, she always had, and the feeling was mutual, he knew.
"Sorry," she muttered. "I just really don't like her."
He shrugged. "It's not going to be a problem. She really doesn't like me."
"That's another reason I don't like her. How dare she not appreciate what she so clearly doesn't even deserve?"
Good old Pansy, always thinking he was worth more than he actually was. She saw him for something he wasn't and even seeing his worst sides time and again didn't seem to convince her that she was wrong. Hermione, on the other hand… "You might have slightly different points of view on that."
She looked at him, her face softening again. "One day she'll realize what she threw away."
"And she won't be sorry," he curtly concluded. "I appreciate your efforts to cheer me, but it's really all right. It was just the magic affecting me, it'll fade. In a few days I won't even know why I looked at her twice. In a way it's really the magic I miss and not her."
Liar. He half-expected Pansy to shout the word at him, but she didn't. She didn't respond at all, but just looked down at her hands. He felt like a liar. Yet, he knew that this was the truth. This was what his father had been trying to tell him. Once you had complete control of someone's actions and complete access to their every emotion, you couldn't help but develop a protectiveness and affection for them. It would fade once she was just the annoying know-it-all Granger once again.
It had better fade. He didn't think he could live like this.
Malfoy was back in class. He looked a little worse for wear, but generally, he acted as if he'd never been gone. Pansy was gushing over him in a way that Hermione found absolutely nauseating, but, of course, Malfoy didn't seem the least bit annoyed. Then again, he had probably always preferred her company for that reason alone. It was absolutely disgusting and Hermione was very much inclined to just leave them to it.
There was just one problem: she needed to talk to him before he could talk to Dumbledore and ruin all of her careful half-truths.
She really didn't want to, though. He seemed content to ignore her and pretend the whole bracelet incident had never happened, and she wanted to do the same. Perhaps he would do fine on his own with Dumbledore…
No, she couldn't take that risk.
With a great sigh, she followed him out after the last class of the day. At least Pansy wasn't with him for once. "Malfoy," she muttered without conviction, half-hoping he wouldn't hear her and she could claim she tried.
No such luck.
He stiffened and then slowly turned back to face her. "Granger," he coolly replied, his eyes not quite focusing on her but sliding off to stare at some unknown spot past her shoulder. "What is it?"
"Dumbledore wants to see you," she replied, frowning a bit at his strange, detached behavior. Maybe he wasn't entirely fine yet?
"Yes, I heard, thanks," he murmured, beginning to turn away from her.
"Don't you want to know what I told him?" she all but growled in irritation. "Or do you just really want to be kicked out of Hogwarts?"
He snapped back. "Nobody asked you to interfere, Granger."
"No," she icily replied. "Nobody told me anything."
"Obviously someone told you too much. And I know who to blame."
"You didn't tell him anything either, and he was worried sick about you. It was really rotten of you. With friends like you, who needs enemies?" She almost winced at her own words. This was harsh. There was just something about him that provoked these shrewish statements from her time and again.
Draco's nostrils flared and his cool grey eyes darkened. He was furious. "Don't you dare lecture me on how to be a good friend, Granger! You know nothing! I gave up much more than just getting my curiosity satisfied for him. Even though you don't understand that, he should!"
"What did you give up?" Hermione challenged, more than a little curious.
He ignored her question. "I will tell Dumbledore what you told Theo you would say, all right? You're not the only one he keeps updated, you know. And obviously I know my Occlumency well enough to still be alive. Good enough? Or was there more you needed?"
Hermione stared in shock as Draco stalked off.
Draco hurried to his room and noisily shut the door after himself, wanting to keep the world at bay just for a short while.
He had overreacted. He knew he had overreacted. The look on Hermione's face… She had even looked slightly hurt. As if he could ever hurt her feelings. Still, she had been trying to help and he had blown up in her face.
It had just been so frustrating to see her. The first thing he'd felt was resentment that she hadn't been there for him when he'd been ill, which was absurd. He'd forced Blaise to swear that she wouldn't gain entrance to his room. Still, for some reason, his mind had been screaming, "Why didn't you even try? Do I really mean so little to you that you'd leave me alone to suffer?" while at the same time just being near her had made him feel… elated.
Because, bond or no bond, he'd missed just her presence.
And it scared him and made him angry with himself.
He needed to get past this.
He needed to try harder.
"It's not easy for me, you know. I had to… wait… but it turns out it doesn't really make a difference and it just made you both mad at me, so…" Theo's voice trailed off, sounding uncommonly weary.
"So…?" Hermione asked, not sure she knew what he was talking about, but having an idea that the problem was, as usual, Malfoy.
He shrugged and looked away. "I'll have to accept his choice, won't I?"
She instantly knew she had been right. "And what is his choice?"
