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Ruth.
I woke up the next morning,and Jay was beside me..he was doing that thing, the thing that when I woke up, he would appear to be sleeping, although I had uncovered his snoring habit, and he wasn't snoring, or heavily breathing. That was his cover blown. I could feel his eyes on the back of my head, and for once I didn't feel self concious, or even irritated that a person was taking notice of me. It was Jay, the only person that had come close to softening me. I felt so safe, the way he was holding me, the way he was last night, supportive, understanding, after everything I had put him through.
I wasn't stupid, I knew everyone in the department found it strange when me and Jay got together, I swear I even saw Noel and Mac stage some sort of intervention. They were looking out for their friend. Jay, was the only member of the department that didn't have a heavy, troubled secret weighing upon him, and because of this he was consistently cheery and nice..Noel and Mac knew this, and obviously didn't want to loose their playmate, maybe they foresaw the part where we broke up, when he just wondered round the department for weeks on end looking gutted.
I knew the one person in the department that Jay was propped up by, was Charlie. Charlie saw that Jay was a good person the minute he arrived in the department, even when Tess, and lets be honest, most of the department thought he was a cocky idiot. He proved us all wrong. Now, he is the one they all go to. But the only person who ever hears of Jays problems is Charlie, I can always tell. I could tell by the way Charlie had been looking at me, the way he clapped Jays back in a helpful fashion and brought him a cup of tea. Jay hadn't told me much about his family previously, but I knew his dad wasn't around him, either was his mum..he had withheld the information, but had finally snapped and told me, because of a comment I made..I had been in a self deprecating mood, and we had a fight, I told him he was golden balls of his family, and he snarled that he hardly had a family, and he was the only male of his family. For once, I was lost for words...maybe someone had it worse off then me. Charlie was like Jay's second dad, he always joked with him, looked for his approval, looked out for him, I remember Jay had a go at his son once, for being horrible to Charlie. Charlie looked out for Jay as well. It was sweet.
I finally got up, and saw Jay "sleeping"
"Jay, I know your not sleeping" I said, and he jerked up in surprise
"how did you know I wasn't sleeping?" he said, cheekily, but even if I didnt have the snoring problem, the fact that self labelled "I love my sleep/bed Jay" had just responded that quickly spoke for itself!
"One..you responded quickly. Two..you snore" I said, with a slight laugh at the way his smile fell as if someone was waving something distasteful under his nose
"I snore when I have a cold yes..." He started, but realised that his excuse was useless. He got up and smiled slightly, a different smile, a innocent childlike smile
"I like watching you sleep" he said, weaving his arms around me from behind, and I could feel minty breath on my neck
"Have you already brushed your teeth?" I questioned him
"Are you joking, that's over there! Miles away!" Jay said, indicating to my bathroom across the hall, and he carried on "I took one of your breath mints" he grinned, and I laughed, and turned and kissed him
"Of course you did" I smiled.
We both went into work around midday, we were working the same shift at the same time, at 1.00, but I liked to be early, and Jay didn't care to argue with me, even when he was moaning the whole way because it was "cold"
"well it has just been snowing" I replied
"And..this is the temperature of a fridge!" Jay complained, like a 3 year old
"Well, I would know, I used to sleep in one" I said, with a laugh and Jay laughed with me
"Well your upgraded now..you have me" he said, with a cheeky wink, and I linked his arm with a soft laugh as we walked into the department.
I should be used to the looks we get, we were the new Adam and Jess..initially my fear about the whole relationship..Adam and Jess were official now, they were engaged and hadn't had a argument in almost months. Me and Jay were the new gossip items, because we argued, broke up, and one of us ended up in hospital..exciting stuff for people who weren't us. I don't find gossip particularly enthralling, but I seem to be quite different to others.
Alice gave me an encouraging grin, and Jay and Noel exchanged a nod, both grinning like Cheshire cats.
Jay pecked me on the cheek as he went to get us both a chocolate bar from the vending machine..he said that he needed some chocolate in the cold weather, and then told me I was having some because I sometimes forget to eat..bless him.
I stood in the locker room and put my coat in the locker
"So, you and Jay back on?" I heard a voice say, and I whipped around..the obvious choice, Adam
"Yes" I said, a smile crossing my pale features
"Well thats good, you both work alot better together" Adam smiled, and he was now pretending he was looking out for his department, instead of fishing for gossip.
"Alright Adam?" Jay asked, going past him as he went out the door, and Adam winked at him, leaving me giggling at a confused looking Jay
"he knows?" Jay looked at me
"he seemed to find himself on a need to know basis" I replied, with a quick grin
"chocolate for madam" Jay said, whipping a dairy milk from behind his back, while getting out his galaxy bar
"how did you know..."
"I don't miss a trick" Jay said, winking, and sighed as Tess ushered him out the room to see a patient, and then she came in to see me presumably...or make coffee...or something.
"Its lovely you two have worked things out after everything" Tess said, and I panicked a little..Tess sounded like she was either going to start a lecture or a pep talk, and she had the kettle turned on.
"Yeah..its great" I said honestly..I know it sounded vague but what else could I say?
Tess crossed over to me.
"Ruth, I know this isn't really my place and you don't have to answer but.." Tess started, and faltered a little bit
"go on" I replied, intrigued to what Tess was taking so long to ask me
"Jay does know about the abortion pill doesn't he? Because whenever I spoke to him after you broke up he always talked about how it was down to him and he just seemed so down" Tess said, and I froze.
"No" I said, I could feel my face draining of its new found colouring
"Ruth.." Tess begun..I could feel a lecture coming on.
"Look I know its bad..honestly I haven't been thinking about it the last couple of weeks..I know he needs to know" I bumbled, awkwardly.
Tess frowned.
"Ok, its just I know he was really cut up about it, thinking it was all his fault and your argument that caused stress. I know this isn't in my boundaries as a nurse, but as your friend and as Jays friend.." Tess carried on
"Its fine" I said, staring into space, and Tess' pager went off, she said sorry and left, and I felt the door shut behind me
How could I of been so stupid..to miss that out..how could I have forgot about something that potentially could be a catalyst to my relationship..I knew Jay was hurt and blamed himself a little but Tess was basically saying how upset he was..how he thought it was indefinably his fault..everything was so good and now, there's another burden to bear. I hate being the one in this position, it would break my heart if Jay left, the only man never to let me down..but more importantly, what about his heart, I had already broken down his feelings once and been spared, given another chance, but twice? How would he react..would he be angry, hurt, or just heartbroken, emotionless? Only time would tell, and this is not going to be a easy decision to make, and the consequences are only going to bring forward feelings of guilt, uneasiness and hurt, in both of our cases, and in my case, both outcomes would cause these feelings.
I had to tell him...soon.
