Shadow
"Guys, you all have to be quiet. You'll have to wait to leave until you see us gone, OK?" explained Noelle. She was a little frustrated; everyone was flat out drunk and high. Nobody was paying any real attention, and I knew it was going to be hard for us to get through without any problems.
It didn't help I was completely stoned over and feeling like a whore.
"The other group has yet to come, Noelle. They should know by now," I said, tired. My words poured out like a jumbled mess. Gage, Trey, and a few others who knew the drill were with the other group of people.
"Fine, let's go," Noelle said.
There were mostly juniors and seniors in our group. Most of the Billings girls were also in our group; over to the side, I could hear Constance vomiting, and everyone said gross and ew in their drunken voices. I, however, was too upset with myself to say anything, let alone think. We began to walk, me trying very hard not to sit down and cry over what happened tonight. I felt disgusting. I wish it was fake; I wish it never happened.
"I wondered where you guys were at," I heard. Instantly, I snapped out of my thoughts and saw none other than Headmaster Hathaway himself. He was smiling, and he had about a dozen security guards around him. I gulped.
"Shit, we're so screwed," a drunken Missy said. Next to her, Lorna began to laugh incessantly.
"Yes, you are. Follow me, students," Headmaster Hathaway said in his calm voice. Over to the side, I saw Noelle frantically texting, most likely telling the other group of people to find another route to go through. At least she was being nice enough to warn them.
Several people groaned and moaned, each of them upset about a hangover and a good night's sleep. Noelle and I were practically leading the group. She kept on giving me sideways glances, and for a split second, I saw fear in her eyes. I quickly realized Noelle might lose her time at school again, all because of me.
We kept walking, and to my horror, I realized we were heading towards the chapel. Hathaway's guards opened the door, and we were pushed inside. The security guys told us to sit down, each of them ordering us to sit in certain places. We were all spread out; for a second, I felt I was in the in-house room at my hometown school.
I was sitting in the back row, next to some juniors and a distraught Kiki. Feeling thoroughly exhausted, I rested my head back, momentarily closing my eyes. When everyone had settled, I heard Hathaway speak.
"It seems like you guys want to stay up all night. All right then – so be it. Let's keep you up until dawn, and," here, he paused and mockingly looked at his Rolex, "an extra seven hours you guys thought you could party without my consent.
"Have fun."
He left with half of the security guys, and the room immediately became hushed, everyone scared. Poor Constance was still having a retching fit, and she puked again, the room instantly smelling of nasty bile. She was sobbing and my heart went out to her.
Suddenly, I saw a burly security guard bring a mop and a bucket of water. Menacingly, he stared at Constance who was hunched over and said, "Clean it up."
Everyone gasped. Hathaway wasn't lying; he fully intended to make this hell for us. Constance was shaking as she looked up at the guy. He simply extended his arm out and handed off the supplies. She was choking back her tears. But in the end, she cleaned it all up.
My state of mind flitted between sleeping and not sleeping, and thinking about the dreaded night. Even though I had the drugs forced down in my throat, everything that had happened between Josh was real. We had sex in a smelly room in a warehouse. He even uttered that he loved me.
But me? I felt downright horrible. Slutty. First off, I planned to sever all ties with Josh, but lo and behold – my stupidity got the better of me. And worse, we had made love, so to say, and it left me broken. It was only the second time I had done it, but this . . . ruined me. It was as if he made a promise, a deep and powerful promise, but a promise he couldn't keep. We couldn't keep.
Other questions surround me. Was Josh still with Ivy, or were they taking a break? What did this mean for Josh and I? What would everyone think?
Snapping out of my thoughts, I glanced back at the chapel clock and saw that it was a quarter past four. Hathaway said he wasn't going to let us go until we fulfilled the number of hours we were gone; therefore, we weren't leaving until eleven in the morning, with no food or water or a good night's sleep.
"Sir, may I get a drink of water?" a throaty voice asked. I followed the sound and saw that it came from Astrid, who was looking done for. She looked up at the security guard in sad, hopeful eyes. The man was holding a bottle of water.
He remained quiet.
"Sir?" Astrid asked again. The chapel was quiet, save for a few snores, but all eyes were fixated on Astrid and the security guard. He, yet again, failed to give a response. Any time now, Astrid was going to explode. Which she did.
"Fuck you!" she screamed. "My bloody throat hurts, my head hurts, and you're not going to be nice enough and give me water! Wanker! You're an absolute wanker!" Astrid went over to the guy and vehemently took the bottle, draining the entire bottle in less than ten seconds. Giving a tight smirk, Astrid sauntered towards the two wooden doors, getting ready to leave.
Then, all of a sudden, a man by the door grabbed for Astrid and single handedly took her out of the room. Everyone gaped at the onslaught, too shocked to even utter a sound. To the side, I saw Noelle shaking her head in disbelief.
Hathaway was an ass.
Come eleven o'clock, everyone in the chapel was gone. My throat felt as if I had sandpaper shoved down, and my limbs were exhausted. By the time we left, it was lunch time, so I went out to Pemberly and decided to take a shower. I was filthy, I smelled like weed, and after my encounter with Josh, I really needed a bath.
So, trying to make sure I didn't fall on my butt from sheer exhaustion, I made my way through the quad and up Pemberly's crappy stairs, gathering my toiletries from my room and heading to the showers. Immediately, I got in, putting it on full blast.
Letting the hot water soothe my aching muscles in places that hadn't been before, I wondered how I should deal with my predicaments. Who exactly were those people who tried to make me get high? Of course, I knew Hunter and Mercedes, but out of all people, they wanted to hang out with me? I tried to think back to my experience and how many people were there. I had a disgusting feeling that the same person who failed to kill me in the middle of the road was at it again.
And then Josh. What the hell was I thinking? I knew for a fact the effects of the drugs were long gone by the time I reached Josh's arm, so why didn't I move? Did I want it? No, not really. Not after everything that had happened. So what was wrong with me?
I shut the shower off after a very long time. As I made a move to get out of the shower, I heard some voices. My clothes were hanging in the other shower stall, and I didn't want to change right in front of them. So, I opted for an extra minute of waiting to get out.
"Did you hear about those guys who got caught from the party?" a girl asked. Her voice sounded familiar.
Someone, her friend, snorted. "I'm so glad I'm not part of that group. Pretty much all the people who are usually invited to Legacy went; it's a shame, really. They always talk about how none of it is for Billings, but hello bitches! You lied." With a jolt, I realized the person was Ivy. I stood stark still, not sure if I should come out or stay.
Ivy's friend laughed. "Well, it seems that Hathaway was like, going crazy over that. After he got all the people in the chapel, he and his security guards went to every room and checked to see if anyone else wasn't there. Rumor has it, his perfect little boy Sawyer helped him out. And it seems like the rest of the people who didn't get caught the first time are going to get punished. Real bad."
I digested the information. I didn't understand that Hathaway was such an intense person. He wasn't lying about watching us. Ivy's friend began to talk, so I focused my attention to her.
"Didn't Josh go? And what's up with you guys? I thought you were going out with him."
Closing my eyes, I tried very hard not to think about last night. Please, not right now, I chanted.
"Yeah, Josh went. I guess he's one of the later people. As for your other question, no, we're not together." Ivy sighed. "It's not a big deal or anything. We just sort of fell apart."
My heart stopped for second, I think. I sighed mentally, thanking whatever deity was out there. At least I wasn't a relationship-wrecker. But still, none of it felt right. I felt as if I was getting consumed with drama and never ending decisions to make.
Tonight, I decided, I was going to finish things once and for all.
Half of the school was gone. Those who came later from the party were now being punished. I assumed they also had hangovers, but they seemed normal when I saw then cleaning the entire school. Aside from the grumbling.
Everyone at school was staring at us. A distressed Noelle came over and told me that even though she wasn't going to get kicked out of school, the final three parties were in serious jeopardy. She said the Billings Alumni were working things out, and apparently, the Billings fundraiser website was selling items by the second.
Come eight in the evening, I went over the Ketlar to sort things out between Josh and I. I was shaking head to toe, and to be honest, I had no idea what I was going to say. I was even sure if I wanted to sever all ties with Josh in the first place. Regardless, I had to speak with him and clear things up.
Thankfully, when I went to Ketlar, not many guys were there. I went up the elevator and quickly got off, not wanting to wait time. I stopped in front of Josh's room, my heart beating erratically. I wasn't even sure if he was all by himself.
One, two, three, twenty seconds . . .
"Reed?"
I jumped at the sound of my name. I turned around and saw a baffled Josh peering right at me. He had books in his hand, and it certainly didn't help that he looked completely irresistible. Josh looked nervous and unsure.
He didn't wait for me to respond; instead, Josh went over to his door and slowly opened it, letting me through. I noticed the large amount of space between us, and I was thankful for it. However, this showed me he wasn't the only one with second thoughts.
Languidly, I went inside. My head started to get itchy due to my nervousness, and I was getting unbearably hot. Josh and I didn't speak as he dropped his books on his desk and sat down on his bed. I stood up, not having a single clue as to what I should do. Slowly, I sank down on Trey's bed.
"You're obviously not here for a chat," Josh said. He gave a tiny scoff and looked at me in the eye. I, in response, gave a tortured look back.
"Josh . . . whatever happened wasn't . . ." I paused, trying to think. It wasn't what?
"Real?" he supplied. His voice dripped with anger, yet there was a certain sad feeling about it. Oh God, I was so close to crying. Why, I didn't know, but I was.
I didn't know what to say. Really, I didn't. Why was I here? Did I want to end things with Josh forever? No, not exactly. I still wanted to be able to talk to him and not have any awkward silences. But romantically . . . I was unsure. I felt like we were trying too hard to go back the way we were. Despite everything, we had changed. Everything that happened in between us was destroying us. We just couldn't.
"Josh . . . I – I think we should . . ."
"Breakup?"
His question silenced me. I looked up into Josh's lovely greenish-blue eyes, finding an eerie calm. It seemed as if he was expecting it.
"Yeah," I finally answered. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. My breathing increased dramatically, and I fought hard not to pass out. And cry. I hadn't intended for this conversation to turn this way, but it did. I felt cowardly, knowing all too well that that was what was running through the back of my mind.
"Can I ask . . . why? We weren't dating to begin with . . . I mean, I wasn't the best person given our circumstances, but . . ." Josh glanced at me, his entire posture sagging. "I thought you wanted to fix this. I wanted to fix us. I was never sure, though. You said stuff . . . Everything just hung in the air, unfinished.
"And what happened at the party?" Josh asked, no doubt wondering why I jumped on him to have sex.
He was right. I left many things incomplete, and it was what ruined us. I forgot over and over again, caught up in my drama and my confused emotions, and I had failed to be a proper adult. Ignoring Josh was a horrible idea. And yes, I was extremely grateful for the fact that he saved me from the middle of the road, but none of it added up. This . . . couldn't be.
On top of that, how was I going to explain to Josh that I was high on drugs? Would he believe me? Or worse, would he tell me to go to the police? For now, I decided, I wasn't going to say anything. The important thing was to explain to him that I couldn't be with him anymore.
"I'm sorry. I think I wanted you – us – but we were different. Finding excuses was . . . easy," I began. Josh was silent, waiting for me to continue. "It was nice – wonderful, even, when we were together. But not anymore. And you were with Ivy, and I didn't know if you guys were still dating or whatever." Sighing, I collapsed on the bed, the weight of world getting to me.
"Sometimes, you need to move on and forget the past. Sometimes, it hurts like a mother. But please, Josh, please don't let this get in the way of your life. This is my choice. You're a great guy, but not . . . now," I finished softly.
Josh scoffed. "Don't say that. Just don't," he said bleakly. Josh raised his head up and looked straight at me. "I wish we can go back the way we were. You're right though, as usual. I fucked everything up. I should be sorry; I really am."
I shook my head. "Don't be. I guess we're both to blame." Sighing, I said, "It takes two to–"
"Create the heartbreak of the century?"
Smiling with a bit of sadness touched with it, I said, "The nicest goodbye between – us?"
My comment sounded a bit mean and irresponsible to Josh's feelings, but he just grinned back and said, "Sure."
I didn't know what washed over me. Was it relief? Maybe. Was I completely sad and beyond upset that this was over? Oh, yes. But was it worth it? I thought so.
"But you didn't answer my other question," Josh stated. I froze, trying to remember which one. Blankly, I stared right back at him. He gave me a look of 'you know what' as I tried to remember.
Oh . . .
What was I going to say to him? I had to think of a careful response. Part of the reason why I didn't want to tell him to truth was that it would give him and I false hope, and prior to our "alone time", I was on drugs.
"My past mistakes are mistakes. Whatever happens from this point onwards matters." Wanting to end this conversation, I quickly got up and slowly walked over to Josh. Outstretching my hand, I smiled to let him know everything was going to be alright.
Josh gave me a pained look before he got up, molding his soft hand with mine. Then, all of a sudden, he crushed my body with his. My heart jolted, afraid he was going to kiss me, but Josh just held me there. It felt comfortable, and after a while, I relaxed. We stayed there for a long time, neither of us moving, Josh keeping a tight hold on me.
"Once you leave this room . . ."
It'll be over, I silently finished. But it's also the start of something else.
It had been less than a minute after I had left Josh's room, and I was a mess. My limbs were shaking uncontrollably. It really was over. No more having Josh in my arms, no more having the only man I truly loved.
Right now, I was sitting on the emergency stairs, not wanting to draw attention to myself by almost crying in the elevator. My ragged breathing was bouncing off the walls. I kept on telling myself everything was for the better, but my mind and soul still needed to adjust to that concept.
Out of nowhere, the door banged open, and in came Sawyer, flushed red and grinning from ear to ear. At the sight of me, he immediately stopped smiling and sobered up. I turned away, ashamed at myself. I didn't want him to see me like this, and I certainly didn't want to burden him with my drama.
"Reed? Are you OK?" Immediately, Sawyer came down and sat by me. I shook my head.
"Sawyer, everything is fine. Just go back or something," I lied. In reality, I didn't want him to leave. But being the selfish person I was, my statement was anything but convincing.
Sawyer scoffed. "Yeah right. C'mon, you can tell me. Besides, the elevators aren't working for some reason, and I hate going up the stairs, so I can't go back." He smiled and nudged my shoulder. "It'll make you feel better."
I only shook my head again. "No."
He shrugged. "Fine by me. I'll just wait, then."
So he – we – waited. We sat and sat, Sawyer patiently sitting next to me. But as time went by, I realized something. Even though I was hurting tremendously at my decision, I was just upset over the fact that I didn't know what the future entailed. Everything was done between Josh and I, and for the past year and a half, our relationship was what kept me alive.
But now, looking at a patient and somber Sawyer, I understood exactly what the future was going to be like.
It was going to be like this. Perfect. Peaceful. Knowing. Just us.
A/N: Many thanks to my reviewers.
The magic number is... 30 chapters! I'm trying really hard to get this done, so bear with me. Also, what do you guys think of the breakup? OK? Bad?
